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“So, who’s gonna tell ‘em?”

The talk about "the talk" that nobody wants to talk about.

Dustin Thostenson dustin@delta3consulting.com

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Individuals and Interactions

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The Downlow

Me

dustinThostenson@ delta3consulting.com

You

Keys

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Conflict!

Option 1

Option 2

Option 3

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Desire ____ Concern

Concern ___ Desire

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&

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Pool of Shared Meaning

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What’s the worse that can happen? How will you know?
<click> Learn to look: -’An expert is someone who knows all points of failure in a given realm!”

content AND conditions:
Why:

when it's safe, you can say anything.
if you don't feel safe, you can't take any feedback. The pool of meaning has a lid on it. "What do you mean I look good? Is that some kind of joke?"
When it's unsafe you start to go blind: when emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down. More on that Shortly
Silence and violence

Silence -- Masking / avoiding / withdrawing
Violence

controlling - everyone knows the this is the best (hyperbole) coerce others into your way of thinking. --force views or dominate
labeling -you must be the dumbest
Attacking - names
!!!!! Use actual trump quotes to support this area!!!

know thyself, esp under stress
Do these sound familiar? Do you know how you react?

Listen to the words, watch the body.
Don’t get so caught up in what you are trying to sell.

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Create a mutual purpose

Recognize the purpose

behind the strategy

Invent a mutual purpose

Brainstorm new strategies

Make it Safe

why talk? mutual purpose. no malicious intent
do they trust your motives.

Mutual respect: the continuance condition

respect is like air. if you don't respect them, pray "Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I"

if you step out

Apologize / contrast to fix misunderstanding --I don't think you are trying to hurt us --I do think you want us all to succeed

CRIB

Commit to seek a mutual purpose -- this isn't working. you are this and I am that. Can we find some agreement?
Recognize the purpose behind the strategy -- "What do you want and what are you pushing for?"
Invent a mutual purpose -- if you are still at odds: can we find agreement where one doesn't hate the other? We don’t need to have winners and loosers
Brainstorm new strategies: set the boundaries -- “We need to come up with something that doesn’t jeopardize our data but allows you to be effective in your work”

>> Write down your Safety concerns,

I don’t want. I do want.

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Master your stories

See

=> Tell

=> Feel

=> Act

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Christopher Avery

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Clever Stories

Victim

Villain

Helpless

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STATE

Your Path

Share your Facts
Tell your Story
Ask for Others’ paths
Talk Tentatively
Encourage Testing

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Share

your FACTS

“You’re killing this team.”

______________________

"When you are in meetings I’ve found that you are talking 40% of the time or more. Sometimes you raise your voice to drown out other people. They have told me that they don’t want to engage anymore."

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Tell

your Story

"I noticed....”

Don't pile it on

Use Contrasting

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Ask

for

Others’

Paths

Keep adding to the

Pool of Shared Meaning

Ask for their Facts, and Stories, and Feelings

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Talk

Tentatively

Never say Always

No Conclusions

Goldilocks Test

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Encourage Testing

Invite opposing views.

Play Devil’s advocate

Strong beliefs

Change by:

Controlling yourself,

Learning to Look,

Tone down your Approach,

Catch yourself

>Invite opposing views -don’t turn an invitation into a veiled threat. --managers hold authority.

>Devil’s advocate -Maybe I’m wrong here. “What if the opposite is true?” “What if the reason is ….” -Keep doing it until someone engages.

>Strong believe challenge -You may know in your heart you are right. That means that you aren’t listening. Everyone is committed to silence or violence. Pool of shared meaning is shallow and tainted.

It starts with the stories we tell our self.

--We are Justified in using dirty tricks to fight for the truth..

Debate tricks:

Stack the Deck. Cite information to support our claim.

Exaggeration - “Everyone knows that this is the best”

Inflammatory “All right-thinking people would agree with me”

Appeal to authority “We’ll see what the boss thinks”

Attack the person “You're not so naive as to actually believe that?”

Draw hasty generalizations “If it happened there it’ll happen here”

Attach a straw man “Sure we can follow your play--if we want to offend our top customers and lose the business”

How do we change?

Control yourself. “How would I behave if these were the results I really wanted”

Learn to look. Find when ppl start to resist you. == Raised volume. -- Overstating facts -- Turn attention away from the topic

Tone down your approach

Others may have something to say. They may have a piece of the puzzle

--this is counter intuitive. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!

Are we trying to be effective?

Catch yourself

Christopher Avery rewards you points when you can spot the stages of Responsibility Process. First in others, then a hundred fold in yourself.

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Explore Others’ Paths

”Slow down the conversation,

so that insight can occur in the space between words and you can discover what the conversation really wants and needs to be about”

-- Susan Scott ‘Fierce Conversations’

Be fully present for this conversation.

It will NOT follow your script.

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Be AMPP’d

Explore Others’ Paths

Ask to get things rolling
Mirror to confirm feelings
Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story
Prime when you're getting nowhere

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Remember your ABC’s

Explore Others’ Paths

Agree

Build

Compare

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Decide how to decide

Command
Consult
Vote
Consensus

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Decision

Who?

Does What?

By When?

How will you follow up?

Be S.M.A.R.T!

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“Is it worth it?”

- Missy Elliott

yes. I've had it with multiple people who are over-powering meetings. Sometimes I would use supporting data, such as running a stop-watch during the meeting.
I've had it with friends who are focused on certain aspects of their job more and don't focus on others.

Many of us have blind spots. In IT there are more people further down the line of Aspergers.
Said one co-worker who was recently promoted "I can't read people. When my manager pulled me into that meeting I didn't know if I was getting promoted or fired"
said another "I don't care what people think"

Do you care about getting work done?
Do you care about how much people are willing to deal with the challenges of working with you?
Do you care about the flow of work drying up because people are avoiding you?
Do you care about continued employment?
Do you care to know if the repeating process is because of situations outside of your control or within your control?

It's overwhelming. We're asking people to do things they don't have much experience with.
Denning Krueger effect:

if they new how to deal with their problems they wouldn't be having them.

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Summary of Principles

Learn to Look

Deliverable 4

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STATE my Path

Explore Others’ Paths

Move to Action

Start with the Heart

Learn to Look

Make it safe

Master my Stories

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The ‘Fierce Conversations’

Confrontation Model

Name the issue
Select a specific example the illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change
Describe your emotions about this issue
Clarify what is at stake
Identify your contribution to the problem
Indicate your wish to resolve the issue
Invite the other person to respond

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“So, who’s gonna tell ‘em?”

Dustin Thostenson Dustin@delta3consulting.com

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