RESILIENT KIDS�Coping with Stress and Anxiety�How Parents Can Help!

by: Elaine Cawley, School Psychologist

Abington School District

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The Anxiety Formula�(Chansky, 2004)

Overestimation of Threat

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Under-estimation of Ability to Cope

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Anxious Response

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7 C of Resilience�Kenneth Ginsberg, MD

1. Competence – ability to know how to handle situations effectively; acquired through actual experience

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In thinking about your child’s competence and how to fortify it, ask yourself:

• Do I help my child focus on his strengths and build on them?
• Do I notice what he does well or do I focus on his mistakes?
• When I need to point out a mistake, am I clear and focused or do I communicate that I believe he always messes up?
• Do I communicate in a way that empowers my child to make his own decisions or do I undermine his sense of competence by giving him information in ways he can’t grasp? In other words, do I lecture him or do I facilitate his thinking?
• Do I let him make safe mistakes so he has the opportunity to right himself or do I try to protect him from every trip and fall?
• As I try to protect him, does my interference mistakenly send the message, “I don’t think you can handle this?”

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2. Confidence – the solid belief in one’s own ability; gained by demonstrating competence in real situations.

In thinking about your child’s degree of confidence, consider the following questions:

• Do I see the best in my child so that he can see the best in himself?
• Do I clearly express that I expect the best qualities (not achievements, but personal qualities such as fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness) in him?
• Do I help him recognize what he has done right or well?
• Do I treat him as an incapable child or as a youngster who is learning to navigate his world?
• Do I praise him often enough? Do I praise him honestly about specific achievements or do I give such diffuse praise that it doesn’t seem authentic?
• Do I catch him being good when he is generous, helpful, and kind or when he does something without being asked or cajoled?
• Do I hold realistically high expectations?
• Do I unintentionally push him to take on more than he can realistically handle, causing him to stumble and lose confidence?
• When I need to criticize or correct him, do I focus only on what he’s doing wrong or do I remind him that he is capable of doing well?
• Do I avoid instilling shame in my child?

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3. Connection – close ties with family, friends, school and community are more likely to have a solid sense of security

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Some questions to ponder when considering how connected your child is to family and the broader world include:

• Do we build a sense of physical safety and emotional security within our home?
• Does my child know that I am absolutely crazy in love with him?
• Do I understand that the challenges my child will put me through on his path towards independence are normal developmental phases or will I take them so personally that our relationship will be harmed?
• Do I allow my child to have and express all types of emotions or do I suppress unpleasant feelings?
• Is he learning that going to other people for emotional support during difficult times is productive or shameful?
• Do we have a television and entertainment center in almost every room or do we create a common space where our family shares time together?
• Do I encourage my child to take pride in the various ethnic, religious, or cultural groups to which we belong?
• Do I jealously guard my child from developing close relationships with others or do I foster healthy relationships that I know will reinforce my positive messages?

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4. Character – fundamental sense of right and wrong to ensure they are prepared to make wise choices.

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Some basic questions to ask yourself include:

• Do I help my child understand how his behaviors affect other people in good and bad ways?
• Am I helping my child recognize himself as a caring person?
• Do I allow him to consider right versus wrong and look beyond immediate satisfaction or selfish needs?
• Do I value him so clearly that I model the importance of caring for others?
• Do I help him develop a sense of spirituality?
• Am I careful to avoid racist, ethnic, or hateful statements or stereotypes?
• Do I express how I think of others’ needs when I make decisions or take actions?

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5. Contribution – understanding that the world is a better place because they are in it.

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Before we can foster this sense of contribution, here are some things to consider:

• Do I communicate to my child (at appropriate age levels, of course) that many people in the world do not have as much human contact, money, freedom, and security as they need?
• Do I teach the important value of serving others?
• Do I make clear to my child that I believe he can improve the world?
• Do I create opportunities for each child to contribute in some specific way?
• Do I search my child’s circle for other adults who might serve as role models who contribute to their communities and the world? Do I use these adults as examples to encourage my child to be the best he can be?

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6. Coping – wide repertoire of coping and stress reducing skills.

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Before we begin teaching children coping and stress-reduction skills, questions to ask ourselves:

• Do I help him understand the difference between a real crisis and something that just feels like an emergency?
• Do I model positive coping strategies on a consistent basis?
• Do I allow my child enough time to use imaginative play? Do I recognize that fantasy and play are childhood’s tools to solve problems?
• Do I believe that telling him to “just stop” the negative behaviors will do any good?
• Do I recognize that for many young people, risk behaviors are attempts to alleviate their stress and pain?
• If my child participates in negative behaviors, do I condemn him for it? Do I recognize that I may only increase his sense of shame and therefore drive him toward more negativity?
• Do I model problem-solving step by step or do I just react emotionally when I’m overwhelmed?
• Do I model the response that sometimes the best thing to do is conserve energy and let go of the belief that I can tackle all problems?
• As I struggle to compose myself so I can make fair, wise decisions under pressure, do I model how I take control rather than respond impulsively or rashly to stressful situations?
• Do I create a family environment in which talking, listening, and sharing is safe, comfortable, and productive?

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7. Control – realize you can control outcomes of your decisions and actions.

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Some questions about control:

• Do I help my child understand that life’s events are not purely random and most things happen as a direct result of someone’s actions and choices?
• On the other hand, do I help my child understand that he isn’t responsible for many of the bad circumstances in his life ?
• Do I help him think about the future, but take it one step at a time?
• Do I help him recognize even his small successes so he can experience the knowledge that he can succeed?
• Do I help him understand that no one can control all circumstances, but everyone can shift the odds by choosing positive or protective behaviors?
• Do I understand that discipline is about teaching, not punishing or controlling? Do I use discipline as a means to help my child understand that his actions produce certain consequences?
• Do I reward demonstrated responsibility with increased privileges?

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Strategies when your child is fearful -

what Parents Can Do

• ENCOURAGEMENT
• Validate the child’s feelings – empathetic response �“Yes going to school can feel scary sometimes”
• DON’T exaggerate child’s fears/worries – Keep it real
• Express confidence in your child’s ability to cope
• FACING FEARS
• Encourage partial success – builds confidence
• Mastery comes from “hanging in” not avoiding
• REWARD FOR BRAVE BEHAVIOR
• Praise and natural consequences will be the most powerful reinforces

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Strategies when your child is fearful

• Be Generous with Praise/ AVOID Negativity and Extreme language
• Find opportunities to compliment your child
• Be Specific and focus on the “good thing” he/she has done ; Draw on past successful experiences
• Recognize Teachable Moments
• Orchestrate positive experiences where the child handled their stress successful and provide direct feedback about what they did
• Capitalize on the child’s strengths and interests

Strategies to Build Coping Skills

• Teach cognitive flexibility – “Go with the flow”

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• Self Awareness - “Did that work for you?”
• Generate ideas, What solutions might work?

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• Use Non-judgmental language “Don’t judge until you walked in their shoes”
• Unexpected – expected (not good/bad, right/wrong)
• Example: It is not wrong to wear a bathing suit
• It is expected to wear a bathing suit at the pool; It is unexpected to wear a bathing suit to school.

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Dr. Ginsberg Video on the 7 C’s

https://vimeo.com/17600346

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REMEMBER

Resilience is BOUNCING BACK, OVERCOMING DIFFICULTIES!!

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Resources

Parenting videos on a variety of topics:

https://www.kidsinthehouse.com/playlists

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Books:

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