Hash House Harriers Hymnal
Compiled by: Meatless Wonder
Alcoholic’s Anthem
Tune: Men of Harlech
What’s the use of drinking tea,
Indulging in sobriety,
In teetotal perversity?
It’s healthier to booze.
What’s the use of milk and water?
These are drinks that never oughter,
Be allowed in any quarter.
Come on, lose you blues.
Mix yourself a shandy.
Drown yourself in brandy.
Sherry sweet, or whisky neat,
Or any kind of liquor that is handy.
There’s no blinking sense in drinking
Anything that doesn’t make you stinking.
There’s no happiness like sinking
Blotto to the floor.
Put an end to all frustration.
Drinking can be your salvation.
End it all in dissipation
Alcoholic’s Anthem
continued
Rotten to the core.
Abberrations metabolic,
Ceilings that are hyperbolic,
These are for the alcoholic
Lying on the floor.
Vodka for the arty.
Gin will make you hearty.
Lemonade was only made
For drinking when your mother’s at the party.
Just steer clear of Coor’s beer
And anything that isn’t labeled clear.
Then there’s nothing more to fear.
Bottoms up me boys!
As I Was Walking
Tune: Old 100th
As I was walking through the woods,
I shat myself. I knew I would.
I cried for help, but no help came,
And so I shat myself again.
As I was walking through St Paul
The bishop grabbed me by the balls.
I cried for help, but no help came,
And so he grabbed my balls again.
As I was walking through St Giles,
Some asshole grabbed me by my piles.
I cried for help, but no help came,
And so he grabbed my piles again.
As I was walking through the street,
Some harlot grabbed me by my meat.
I cried for help, but no help came,
And so she grabbed my meat again.
As I Was Walking
continued
As I was lying in the grass,
Some bugger shoved it up my ass.
I cried for help, but no help came,
And so he shoved it up again!
All Australians Are Born Illegitimate
Tune: The Old Grey Mare
All Australians are born illegitimate, born illegitimate, born illegitimate.
All Australians are born illegitimate….bastards through and through.
They ain’t got no birth certificate, birth certificate, birth certificate.
They ain’t got no birth certificate….bastards through and through.
They don’t know who their daddy is, who their daddy is, who their daddy is.
They don’t know who their daddy is….bastards through and through.
The Union Jack is on the Aussie Flag, on the Aussie Flag, on the Aussie Flag.
The Union Jack is on the Aussie Flag….bastards through and through.
An Dem Bier
Aka: How Much Beer
Tune: Ode To Joy
How much beer has he been drinking?
He is looking really lit.
As we stand here aren’t we thinking,
“Do we really give a shit?”
Who’s this wanker so unseemly
That his mother surely frowned.
Grab your drink, and hold it firmly.
Drink it, drink it down down down
Assholes Are Cheap Today
Tune: La Donna E Mobile
Assholes are cheap today,
Cheaper than yesterday.
Little ones at half a Crown,
Standing up, or lying down.
Large ones at three and eight
Cause us to palpitate.
We’ve got a big supply
Of Gluteus Maximi.
A pledge your money back.
Just don’t say no to crack.
A bum deal you’ll get from us.
Assholes are cheap!
Assholes, assholes!
Assholes are cheap!
Assholes, assholes!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Assholes are cheap!
Autohash Song
Tune: Mercedes Benz
Dear Lord, won’t you give me a ride to the beer?
My friends are all drinking, and I’m stuck out here.
I’ll ride in a Chevy, a Ford, or a truck,
And if you give me a ride, then I’ll throw in a…
Down, down, down, down
Balls To Mr Bangelstein
Tune: Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin
Part 1 - Spoken
Leader - A prayer, a prayer, a prayer for the constipated.
Response - SHIT!
Leader - A prayer, a prayer, a prayer for the inebriated.
Response - PISS!
Leader - A prayer, a praayer, a prayer for the frustrated.
Response - FUCK!
Leader - A prayer, a prayer, a prayer for the dehydrated.
Response - BEER!
Leader - A prayer, a prayer, a prayer to the emasculated.
Response - BALLS!
Balls To Mr Bangelstein
continued
Part 2 - Sung
Balls to Mr Bangelstein, Bangelstein, Bangelstein
Balls to Mr Bangelstein, dirty old man.
He sits on the steeple, and shits on the people.
So balls to Mr Bangelstein, dirty old man.
He keeps us all waiting while he’s masturbating.
So balls to Mr Bangelstein, dirty old man.
He ups them, he downs them, he bloody well grounds them.
So balls to Mr Bangelstein, dirty old man.
He tried Mrs Bangelstein, but she’s old and rotten between.
So balls to Mr Bangelstein, dirty old man.
Barcelona
Tune: Mañana
Way down in Barcelona where the ladies learn to knit,
A lady stuck her needle in another lady’s tit.
Said the lady to the lady, “We’re here to learn to knit,
Not to stick our needle in another lady’s tit.”
Chorus:
Mañana, mañana
Is my banana good enough for you? OLE’!
Way down in Barcelona where the drummers play the drum
A drummer stuck his drumstick up another drummer’s bum.
Said the drummer to the drummer, “We’re here to play the drum
Not to stick our drumstick up another drummer’s bum.”
Way down in Barcelona where the lepers decompose,
A leper picked a snotty from another leper’s nose.
Said the leper to the leper, “We’re here to decompose,
Not to pick a snotty from another leper’s nose”
Barcelona
continued
Way down in Barcelona where the swimmers learn to swim,
A swimmer stuck her finger in another swimmer’s quim.
Said the swimmer to the swimmer, “We’re here to learn to swim,
Not to stick our finger in another swimmer’s quim.”
Way down in Barcelona where the beggars beg for food,
A beggar hocked a loogie in another beggar’s gruel.
Said the beggar to the beggar, “We’re here to beg for food,
Not hock a loogie in another beggar’s gruel”
Way down in Barcelona where the wankers yank their crank,
A wanker took a yank off another wanker’s crank.
Said the wanker to the wanker, “We’re here to yank our crank,
Not to take a yank off another wanker’s crank”
Way down in Barcelona where the miners shovel coal,
A miner shoved his shovel in another miner’s hole.
Said the miner to the miner, “We’re here to shovel coal,
Not to shove our shovel in another miner’s hole.”
Barcelona
continued
Way down in Barcelona where the birdies learn to fly,
A birdie dropped a turdy in another birdie’s eye.
Said the birdie to the birdie, “We’re here to learn to fly,
Not to drop a turdy in another birdie’s eye.”
Closing verse:
Way down in New York city where the cabbies drive so fast,
A cabby drove his cab up another cabby’s ass.
Said the cabby to the cabby,
(Roll window down, and flash the bird)
“EH, FUCK YOU, BUDDY!”
By The Light Of The Flickering Match
Tune: By The Light of the Silvery Moon
By the light (by the light, by the light)
Of the flickering match (by the light, by the light)
I saw her snatch (by the light, by the light)
In the watermelon patch.
By the light (by the light, by the light)
Of the flickering match (by the light, by the light)
I saw it gleam, I heard her scream, “You are burning my snatch,
With that goddamn match!”
Bye Bye Cherry
Tune: Bye Bye Blackbird
Back you ass against the wall
Here I come, balls and all.
Bye bye cherry.
Won’t your mother be disgusted
When she finds your cherry’s busted?
Bye bye cherry.
Wrap your legs around a little tighter.
I can feel my load is getting lighter.
So, shake that ass, and wiggle those tits
‘Til my little pecker spits.
Cherry, bye bye.
Canadian Nudie Bars
Tune: Merry Old Land Of Oz
Nip nip here
Nip nip there
And a bevy of porno stars.
There’s jugs, and mugs of Molson Beer
In Canadian Nudie bars.
Dirty hos
Put on shows
And a lot of them don’t have scars.
They’ll even take it up the nose
In Canadian Nudie bars.
You can touch and squeeze them
They don’t even care.
Would they even dye their pubes
To match my hair? (Uh huh!)
Color me there!
Canadian Nudie Bars
continued
Do like me.
Say oui oui.
And tell ‘em you’re a friend of Bill Maher’s.
That’s you’ll get to watch them pee
In Canadian Nudie bars.
Ha ha ha
Ho ho ho
Ha ha ha ha, Oh!
I guy can get his hockey pucked
In Canadian Nudie bars.
Chicago
Tune: The Bear Went Over The Mountain
Verse Structure: General, Specific, Innuendo Twist
A (man, woman, hasher) came in, wanted (something general).
(Something specific) he/she wanted
(Innuendo twist) he/she got! I don’t work there anymore.
Good song to make up your own verses. And feel free to inject hasher’s names into them. Just don’t be lazy and repeat the first item twice. You will be judged.
Song begins with the Chorus:
I used to work in Chicago in an old department store.
I used to work in Chicago. I don’t work there anymore.
A woman came in for a computer (A computer from the store)
An Apple she wanted
My Wang she got! I don’t work there anymore!
A man came in for a telephone. ( A telephone from the store)
AT&T he wanted.
T.I.T. he got (visual aids help)! I don’t work there anymore!
Chicago
continued
And: A woman came in for a:
Doughnut - Glazed she wanted - Creamfilled she got
Lift - Elevator - My shaft
Flooring - Carpet - Laid
Steak - T-bone - My boneless round
Carpet - Deep pile - Shagged
Hand tool - Hammer - Nailed
Hand tool - Screwdriver - Screwed
Firearm - Handgun - Fingerbanged
Stockings - Nylons - Hosed
Fabric - Velvet - Felt
Booze - Liquor - Licked her I did
Fasteners - Bolts - My nuts
Beer - Six pack - Ate
Seafood - Lobster - Crabs
Philosophy - Metaphysical conversation - Fucked
Hardware - Plumbing - My pipe
Crewmen - Sailors - Semen
Cigarettes - Camels - Humped
Drain cleaner - Liquid Plumber - Pipes cleaned
Potted Meat - Canned Ham - Porked
Chicago
continued
Also: A man came in for:
Toy - Balloon - Blown
Pastry - Doughnut - My Hole
Candy - Lollipop - Licked
Animal - Horse - Rode
Carpet - Shagged he wanted - Piles he got
Tires - Wheels - Rimmed
Beverage - Beer - Busch (again with visual aids)
Christopher Robin
Tune: Christopher Robin
Little boy kneels at the foot of the stairs.
Clutched in his hands is a tuft of white hairs.
Oh my! Just fancy that!
Christopher Robin castrated the cat!
Little boy kneels at the foot of the bed.
Lily-white hands are caressing his head.
Oh my! Couldn’t be worse.
Christopher Robin is shagging his nurse.
Little boy sits on the lavatory pan,
Gently caressing his little old man.
Flip, flop, into the tank.
Christopher Robin is having a wank.
Close To Brew
Tune: Close To You
Why do Hashers suddenly appear
Every time beer is near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to brew.
Ahhhhhh Ahhhh Ahh
Close to brew
Ahhhhhh Ahhhh Ahh
Down down down
Come And Sit On My Face If You Love Me
Tune: Red River Valley
Come and sit on my face if you love me.
Come and sit on my face if you care.
Let me drink from your Red River Valley
And much on your curly pubic hair.
Oh, if I had the wings of an eagle,
And the balls of a hairy baboon.
I would fly to the ends of creation,
Just to butt fuck the man in the moon.
Take it in your hand Mrs Murphy.
It only weighs a quarter of a pound/
It has hair on its neck like a turkey,
And it spits when you jerk it up and down.
Put it in your mouth Mrs Murphy
It feels just like a rolling pin.
But if you roll it between your lips Mrs Murphy
Soon it will be useful again.
Come And Sit On My Face If You Love Me, continued
Put it between your breasts Mrs Murphy,
And look straight into its one eye
It will lie at peace between your bosom,
Until that milky tear it will cry.
Put it between your legs Mrs Murphy
It only want to crawl up inside.
It had a helmet on its head like a soldier
And it will shoot all its ammo then will die.
But don’t touch (insert hasher’s name) Mrs Murphy.
His is covered up with nasty scabs.
It has warts on it just like a horned toad,
And it’s protected by an army of crabs.
Dead Dog Rover
Tune: I’m Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover
I’m looking over
My dead dog, Rover,
That I overran with the mower.
One leg is missing,
The other is gone.
The third one is scattered
All over the lawn.
There’s no explaining
The one remaining.
It’s spinning on the carport floor.
I’m looking over
My dead dog, Rover,
That I overran…
That I overran…
That I overran with the mower.
Did You Ever Stop To Wonder?
Tune: Itself
Did you ever stop to wonder
If your mom gave dad a blowjob
Just before she kissed you goodnight?
KISS!
Dixie
Tune: Dixie
Oh, I wish I was in Dixie,
Cause she’s fucking hot!
Do Your Balls Hang Low?
Tune: Turkey In The Straw
(Balls version)
Do your balls hand low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a know?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder
Like a Continental Soldier?
So your balls hang low?
Chorus
Ting-a-ling, goddamn, find a woman if you can.
If you can’t find a woman, find a clean old man.
If you’re ever in Gibraltar, take a flying fuck at Walter
Can you do the double shuffle when your balls hang low?
Do You Tits Hang Low?
Tune: Turkey In The Straw
Lyrics: Twin Peaks and She Mussel Bitch, Austin H3
Do your tits hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a know?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder?
Do you need a bolder holder?
Do your tits hang low?
Are your tits real small?
Are they flat just like a wall?
Can you hide them with your hands?
Can you see them there at all?
Would you look just like a male
If it weren’t for your pigtails?
Are your tits real small?
Do You Tits Hang Low?
continued
Are your tits just right?
Are your blouses kinda tight?
If you had a disagreement
Could you use them in a fight?
Do the boys throw fits
When you flash your tits?
Are your tits just right?
Do your tits go squish
When you poke them just like this?
Do they feel just like
A slimy jellyfish?
Does you man’s pecker stand
When he holds them in his hand?
Do your tits go squish?
Are your tits real hard?
Could you use them as a guard?
Do you nipples poke through
Your pink leotard?
When it’s wet and cold.
Do they stand out proud and bold?
Are your tits real hard?
Do You Tits Hang Low?
continued
Do your tits have hair?
Do people stop, and stare
When you wear a French braid
down to your underwear?
Do people think that your breasts
Look like your father’s chest?
Do your tits have hair?
Are your tits really real?
How long did they take to heal?
Are they silicone
Or saline filled?
Do the boys hearts race
When you shake them in their face?
Are your tits really real?
If your tits are teenie weenie,
Or too big for your bikini,
No matter how they look,
No matter how they feel,
Be glad that you got ‘em,
Cause you know the boys will want ‘em.
Your TITS, TITS TITS!
Doggie’s Meeting (traditional)
Tune: Aurelia (aka: The Church’s One Foundation)
The doggies held a meeting
They came from near and far.
Some came by motorcycle
Some came by motor car.
Each doggie passed the entrance
Each doggie signed the book
Each doggie hung his asshole
Upon his very own hook.
And when they were assembled
Each mother, son, and sire
A dirty little mongrel
Stood up and shouted, “FIRE!”
The dogs were in a panic
They had no time to look.
Each doggie grabbed and asshole
From the nearest hook.
Doggie’s Meeting (traditional)
continued
A doggie’s often listless
For he is rather sore
To wear another’s asshole
He’s never worn before.
And that’s the only reason
A dog will leave his bone
To sniff another’s asshole
To see if it’s his own
A-A-Asshole
Does A Hasher
Tune: Turkey In The Straw
Does a Hasher like to walk?
Does a Hasher like to run?
Does a Hasher like to be
Where they’re having all the fun?
Can you drink a 12 ounce beer,
While your friends all sing and cheer?
Well, your time has come!
Drink it down down down down
Dose Of Clap
Tune: He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands
He’s got a dose of clap on his dick.
He’s got a dose of clap on his dick.
He’s got a dose of clap on his dick,
And all it does is drip, drip, drip.
Down Down Down Calypso
Tune: Shake Shake Shake Senora
Down down down, d-down down, d-down down
Down down down, d-down down, d-down down
Down down down, d-down down, d-down down
Down down down, d-down down, d-down down
You lay trail like a Donnie
You’re like a retarded bunny.
Learn to use fucking flour
We’ll make you do down downs for half an hour.
Drink drink drink your down down
Drink it for your crime
Drink drink drink your down down
You fuck up all the time
Drink drink drink your down down
Drink it from your shoe
Drink drink drink your down down
Pour what’s left on you
Down Down Down Your Beer
Tune: Row Row Row Your Boat
Down down down your beer,
To pay for your crime.
Quit complaining about the taste,
There’s no sperm this time.
Eat, Bite, Fuck, Suck (aka Vlad)
Tune: Itself
Well, went to a party, and what did we do?
We took off our socks, and we took off our shoes.
We took of our coats, and we took off our pants.
I had a hunch we weren’t gonna dance.
Chorus: repeat after each verse
Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew
Nipple, bosom, hair-pie, finger-fuck, screw
Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit
Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig and lion shit
AW FUCK! AW FUCK AW FUCK!
Well, everybody, everybody’s ass was bare
No broads left, just a queer over there.
Whole damn thing didn’t bother me a bit.
I just jumped on the pile, and grabbed some tit.
Eat, Bite, Fuck, Suck (aka Vlad)
continued
Well out of nowhere that dildo did appear,
With variable speed, and a link to fear.
I grabbed the thing, and shoved it in fast.
When the lights came up, it was up a guy’s ass.
Well my baby’s not a sports fan,
But she plays with balls whenever she can
Because her favorite sport you see,
Is playing tonsil (gulp) hockey.
Keep repeating chorus faster, and faster
Engineer Song
Tune: Froggy Went A Courtin’
An engineer told me before he died,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
An engineer told me before he died
A hummmm a hummmm
An engineer told me before he died
I have no reason to believe he lied
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
He had a wife with a cunt so wide,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
He had a wife with a cunt so wide,
A hummmm a hummmm
He had a wife with a cunt so wide,
That she could never be satisfied
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Engineer Song
continued
So he built a bloody great wheel,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
So he built a bloody great wheel,
A hummmm a hummmm
So he built a bloody great wheel,
Two balls of brass, and a prick of steel.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Balls of brass he filled with cream,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
Balls of brass he filled with cream,
A hummmm a hummmm
Balls of brass he filled with cream,
And the whole bloody issue was driven by steam.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Engineer Song
continued
He laid his wife onto the bed,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
He laid his wife onto the bed,
A hummmm a hummmm
He laid his wife onto the bed,
And he tied her legs up over her head.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
There she laid a beggin’ a fuck,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
There she laid a beggin’ a fuck,
A hummmm a hummmm
There she laid a beggin’ a fuck,
He shook her hand, and wished her luck.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Engineer Song
continued
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
A hummmm a hummmm
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
And in and out went the prick of steel.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Up and up went the level of steam,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
Up and up went the level of steam,
A hummmm a hummmm
Up and up went the level of steam,
And down and down went the level of cream.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Engineer Song
continued
Until at last that maiden cried,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
Until at last that maiden cried,
A hummmm a hummmm
Until at last that maiden cried,
”Enought! Enough! I’m satisfied!”.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Now we come to the tragic bit,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
Now we come to the tragic bit,
A hummmm a hummmm
Now we come to the tragic bit,
There was no way of stopping it!
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Engineer Song
continued
She was split from ass to tit,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
She was split from ass to tit,
A hummmm a hummmm
She was split from ass to tit,
And the whole bloody issue was covered in shit.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
It jumped off her, and onto him,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
It jumped off her, and onto him,
A hummmm a hummmm
It jumped off her, and onto him,
And then it buggered their next of kin.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Engineer Song
continued
It hopped onto a crosstown bus,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
It hopped onto a crosstown bus,
A hummmm a hummmm
It hopped onto a crosstown bus,
And now it’s buggering all of us.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Last time that machine was seen,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
Last time that machine was seen,
A hummmm a hummmm
Last time that machine was seen,
It was in Buckingham Palace fucking the Queen.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Engineer Song
continued
Moral of the story’s mighty clear,
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
Moral of the story’s mighty clear,
A hummmm a hummmm
Moral of the story’s mighty clear,
Never fuck an engineer.
A bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
A bum tittty bum titty bum titty bum
Everyone From Florida Is Stupid
Tune:
Everyone from Florida is stupid.
Everyone from Florida is dumb.
I may not be the brightest guy,
But next to them my IQ’s high.
And if they ran a hash, they’d run like this.
Feels Like A Woman To Me
Tune: She’s Always A Woman
She’s got the greatest tongue work that you’ve ever seen.
And she’ll lick both your balls till they’re shiny and clean.
Yes, that pink little pussy is tight as can be.
Well, I know it’s the cat, but it feels like a woman to me.
Get Fucked
Tune: Itself?
When I was a young boy, I had to go to school.
I didn’t like the teachers, and I couldn’t stand their rules.
My mother said, “Speak nicely, son, then you won’t get whacked.”
But everytime the teach spoke, I would answer back….
Chorus:
Get fucked! Get Fucked! You can go get fucked!
And if you think I give a shit, then you are out of luck.
I could search for big long words. For ages I could hunt.
But I’d rather just be done with it, so get fucked you silly cunt!
Then along came the war, and to the Army I did go.
One day I was called to the office to see the new C. O.
He said, “ The mission’s dangerous, but we need the very best,
And if you should come back alive, we’ll pin a medal to your chest.”
I said…(chorus)
Get Fucked
continued
Then I had to go to work, and by Christ it was so hard!
Twelve hours a day pushing broom around a lorry yard.
The boss said, “We’re in a mess. There’s only one way I can see.
You’ll have to do some overtime, an hour a day for free.”
I said…(chorus)
Well I was sick of the missus, so I asked her for a divorce.
She must have been sick of me because she said, “Of course!”
She said, “I’ll keep the TV, the house, the kids, the car,
And I’ll hold all your money so you don’t spend it in the bar.”
I said….(chorus)
Now I’m here in Houston running with the Hash.
I’ve come a long way to be here, and I’ve paid my registration cash.
But if you think you can abuse me because of my silly face.
Then I have two words to say, and this is the time and place.
I said….(chorus)
They say it comes to all of us, so one day I must die.
Then I will have to stand before the GM in the sky.
He’ll say, “You are an Austin Hasher. You sinned every Sunday.
Before you get the big down down, is there anything you’d like to say?” I said….(chorus)
Girl From Arkansas
Tune: Honey Babe ~ Art Mooney
I know a girl from Arkansas, honey, honey
I know a girl from Arkansas, babe, babe
I know a girl from Arkansas
She can take you balls and all
Honey, baby, mine
Chorus:
Go to your left, your right, your left
Go to your left, your right, your left
I know a girl who lives on the hill, honey, honey
know a girl who lives on the hill, babe, babe
I know a girl who lives on the hill
She won’t do it, but her sister will
Honey, baby, mine
Get It Up, Get It In
Tune: Bonanza Theme
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do.
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around.
Hit the spot, make me hot. I will scream out loud.
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around.
Suck my toes, insert your hose. Make my juices flow.
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around
When I am done and I have cum. We'll start another round.
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around
Girl From Arkansas
continued
I don’t know, but I been told, honey, honey
I don’t know, but I been told, babe, babe
I don’t know, but I been told
Eskimo pussy is mighty cold
Honey, baby, mine
If I die on the Russian Front, honey, honey
If I die on the Russian Front, babe, babe
If I die on the Russian Front
Bury me with a Russian cunt
Honey, baby, mine
If I die on the Cuban Rear, honey, honey
If I die on the Cuban Rear, babe, babe
If I die on the Cuban Rear
Bury me with a Cuban queer
Honey, baby, mine
I know a girl from ol’ Kentuck, honey, honey
I know a girl from ol’ Kentuck, babe, babe
I know a girl from ol’ Kentuck
She can’t cook, but she sure can fuck
Honey, baby, mine
Girl From Arkansas
continued
I know girl from Niagra Falls, honey, honey
I know a girl from Niagra Falls, babe, babe
I know a girl from Niagra Falls
She’s got mortgage on my balls
Honey, baby, mine
I know a girl from Oklahoma, honey, honey
I know a girl from Oklahoma, babe, babe
I know a girl from Oklahoma
She’s not bad if you can stand the aroma
Honey, baby, mine
I know a girl from Sioux Falls, honey, honey
I know a girl from Sioux Falls, babe, babe
I know a girl from Sioux Falls
She’ll suck your dick, and swallow your balls
Honey, baby, mine
I know a hasher from Motor City, honey, honey
I know a hasher from Motor City, babe, babe
I know a hasher from Motor City
His breath smells bad, and his dick is shitty
Honey, baby, mine
God Bless My Underpants
Tune: God Bless America
God bless my underpants, brand that I like.
Stand inside them, and ride them
Between my buns when I run, or ride a bike.
From the waistband, to the leg holes,
To the fly flap all covered in piss.
God bless my underpants!
They look like this!
Has Anybody Seen JC?
Tune: Five Foot Two, Eyes Of Blue
Five foot nine, he’s divine
Says he comes from Palestine
Has anybody seen JC? ( JC, JC, JC)
He is camp, he is cool
He walks across your swimming pool
Has anybody seen JC? (JC, JC, JC)
Well is you see a five foot Jew all covered in thorns
Holes in his hands, spear in his side,
Man, that cat’s been crucified!
Five foot nine, he’s divine
Changes water into wine.
Has anybody seen JC? (JC, JC, JC)
Mary says that he’s the most
And she’s been fucked by the Holy Ghost
Has anybody seen, has anybody seen, has anybody seen JC?
He Wanks His Crank
Tune: La Marseillaise
He wanks his crank in the morning.
He wanks his crank in the night.
He wanks his crank with his left hand,
And cleans it up with his right.
Heineken Schmeineken
Chant
Heineken, Schmeineken
Fuck that shit!
Pabst -- Blue -- Ribbon
Her Left Tit
Tune: My Bonnie
Her left tit hangs down to her belly.
Her right tit hangs down to her knee.
If her left tit did equal her right tit,
She’d get lots more weenie from me.
Here’s to ________
Tune: Itself
Here’s to ________ ,he’s true blue.
He’s a Hasher through and through.
He’s a pisspot so they say.
He tried to go to heaven, but he went the other way!
Drink it down down down down.
Here’s To Brother Hasher
Tune: Ach, Du Lieber Augustin
Here’s to brother Hasher,
Brother Hasher, brother Hasher.
Here’s to brother Hasher,
May he chug-a-lug.
He’s happy. He’s jolly.
He’s fucked up by golly!
So here’s to brother Hasher,
May he chug-a-lug.
So drink motherfucker,
Drink motherfucker
Drink motherfucker
Drink motherfucker
He’s A Really Nice Guy
Tune: He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands
He’s a really nice guy, but he’s got a small dick.
He’s a really nice guy, but he’s got a small dick.
He’s a really nice guy, but he’s got a small dick,
And all it does is drip, drip, drip
He’s The Meanest
Tune: Itself
He’s the meanest.
He sucks the horse’s penis.
He’s the meanest.
He’s a horse’s ass.
Ever since he found it,
All he does is pound it.
He’s the meanest,
He’s a horse’s ass.
He’s always pissing on us.
He’s rotten and dishonest.
He’s the meanest.
He’s a horse’s ass.
His One Skin
Tune: My Bonnie
His one skin hangs down to his two skin.
His two skin hangs down to his three.
His three skin hangs down to his foreskin.
His foreskin hangs down to his knee.
Roll back, roll back
Oh roll back that foreskin for me, for me
Roll back, roll back
Oh roll back that foreskin for me.
Hog Calling Time In Nebraska
Tune: Red River Valley
When it’s hog calling time in Nebraska
When it’s hog calling time in Nebraska
When it’s hog calling time in Nebraska
Then it’s hog calling time in Nebraska
(Repeat ad nauseum)
Hot Vagina
Tune: I’ve Been Working On The Railroad
Hot vagina for your breakfast.
Hot vagina for your lunch.
Hot vagina for your dinner.
Just munch, munch, munch, munch, munch.
It’s so tasty and delicious.
Bite-size and ready to eat.
So take a tip, go and eat your chick..
Hot vagina can’t be beat!
How Would You Like A Finger
Tune: Chant - Hava Nagila
How would
You like
A finger in your ear?
How would
You like
A finger in your rear?
No sir. Not fucking likely!
Not fucking likely!
Not fucking likely, hey!
I Am The Very Model Of A Common Hash House Harrier
Tune: I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General
I am the very model of a common Hash House Harrier.
I often run, but sometimes walk to check out this girl’s derriere.
I know the local kennels to the north that’s historical,
And sing their favorite songs with innuendo metaphorical.
Accused of violations, I will drink my down down thoroughly,
No drop is left behind for my vessel’s ran atop of me.
I hold my own at Jesus Saves, S & M, and Yogi Bear.
I wear my kilt out to On After without any underwear.
When I’m on urban trail, I wear my shiggy socks to look the fool,
But then I run bare legged in the shiggy because scars are cool.
I’ll dash through mud and briars now, but wait, there’s beer ulterior!
I am the very model of a common Hash House Harrier.
I Am Pussy
Tune: I Am Woman
I am pussy. Hear me roar.
My clit’s too big to ignore.
And if I don’t reach orgasm, I pretend.
Well I’ve jerked them off before.
I’ve even banged them on the floor.
And no one will ever dry hump me again.
Yes, I am wide. It’s the perfect place to hide.
Yes, when I get wet, they say it’s like a tide.
And if I have to, I can fuck anything.
Because I am strong!
I am stretchable!
I AM PUSSY!
I Don’t Want To Hear A Song
Tune: I Don’t Want To Grow Up (Toys-R-Us Jingle)
I don’t want to hear a song that I’ve already heard.
Yeah, I get it. He’s a piss pot. Alouette’s a French bird.
“I used to work in Chicago”, that’s all bullshit!
Just go and show your tits!
Oh, she’s got too much class,
Perhaps she’ll show her ass.
Just don’t sing me another Hash song.
I Love My Wife
Tune: Itself
I love my wife, yes I do, yes I do.
I love her truly.
I love the hole that she pisses through.
I love her ruby red lips, her lily white tits,
And her nut brown asshole.
I’d eat her shit, gobble gobble, chomp chomp
With a rusty spoon.
I Masturbated
Tune: I Wanna Be Sedated
Twenty, twenty, twenty-four hours ago,
I masturbated.
No one to do, not even a ho.
I masturbated.
Just grab me some lotion, and a magazine
Sitting in my chair, I’m gonna leave a sticky stain.
My face is getting twitchy
I’m gonna show my O--O-O-O-O
Down down down down, d-down down down down
I masturbated!
Down down down down, d-down down down down
I masturbated!
I Need A Sheep
Tune: Scotland The Brave
Bring me some whisky, mother.
I’m feeling frisky, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night.
I need a lover, mother
No, not my brother, mother
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night.
Chorus
Baa baa, b-baa baa, baa baa
Baa baa, b-baa baa, baa baa
Baa baa, b-baa baa, baa baa
Baa baa, b-baa
Gerbils don’t make it, mother
They just can’t take it, mother
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night
Owls, bats, and other critter
Just tend to give me jitters
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night
I Need A Sheep
continued
Sheep never talk about it
They never, ever doubt it
Always so placid, and affectionate at night
Give me the lanolinen
Better than flannel linen
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night.
I Want To Fuck The
Lowest Hole In Your Head
Tune: She Was Coming Around The Mountain
I want to fuck the lowest hole in your head.
I want to fuck the lowest hole. That’s what I said.
It’s not the one further south.
It’s the one you call your mouth.
I want to fuck the lowest hole in your head.
I Wanna Be Inebriated
Tune: I Wanna Be Sedated
Twenty, twenty, twenty four bottles ago,
I wanna be inebriated.
A case of beer, and it’s gotta go.
I wanna be inebriated.
So get me to the circle,
And put it in my hand.
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Down my throat it will be slammed.
Don’t care if it is bottled.
Don’t care if it is canned.
Oh no, no, no, no, no,
A down, down, down down
A down, down, down down
I wanna be inebriated!
A down, down, down down
A down, down, down down
I wanna be inebriated!
I Wish I Were A Hasher With A Wiener
Tune: I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Wiener
Oh, I wish I were a Hasher with a wiener.
That is what I’d really like to be-e-e.
Cause if I were a Hasher with a wiener,
I wouldn’t have to stop, and squat to pee.
Ice The Bitch
Tune: Do, Re, Mi
Ice the bitch, She Mussel Bitch
Numb, the price you have to pay.
Sit right there, and down that beer.
Yes you pissed off the RA.
Damn! Your ass is turning red,
And your lips are turning blue.
Place that mug above your head,
And prove you’ve downed that brew.
If Your Girlfriend Tastes Like Shit
Tune: If You’re Happy and You Know It
If your girlfriend tastes like shit, turn her over.
If your girlfriend tastes like shit, turn her over.
If your girlfriend tastes like shit,
It’s her asshole, not her clit.
If your girlfriend tastes like shit, turn her over.
If your boyfriend tastes like shit, he’s a homo
If your boyfriend tastes like shit, he’s a homo
If your boyfriend tastes like shit, you know he’s packing it
If your boyfriend tastes like shit, he’s a homo
Incest Time In Texas
Tune: Yellow Rose Of Texas
When it’s incest time in Texas,
And there’s no cunt to be found,
Your mother’s in the outhouse,
Her panties halfway down.
No time for masturbation.
No time to beat your meat.
When it’s incest time in Texas,
Mother fucking can’t be beat!
It’s A Small Dick
Tune: It’s A Small World After All
Well it’s not too long, and it’s not to thick.
It gets hard too slow, and it cums too quick.
It gets lost in her twat, but it’s all that he’s got.
It’s a small dick after all.
It’s a small dick after all
It’s a small dick after all.
Always limp from alcohol.
It’s a small, small dick.
I’ve Got A Start On A Twelve Inch Hard-on
Tune: I’m Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover
I’ve got a start on
A twelve inch hard-on
That I’ve had all afternoon.
I went to the doctor.
She told me to cough.
I wish that she would have
Just whacked the thing off.
Come to me Venus
Massage my penis
And shrivel it like a prune.
I’ve got a start on
A twelve inch hard-on
That I’ll probably have….
That I’ll probably have….
That I’ll probably have till June!
Lady In Red
Tune: ?
‘Twas a cold winter’s evening, the gents were all leaving,
O’Leary was closing the bar.
When he turned, and he said to the Lady in Red,
“Get out, you can’t stay where you are.”
Well she shed a sad tear in her bucket of beer,
As she thought of the cold night ahead.
Then a gentleman dapper stepped out of the crapper,
And these are the words that he said.
Her mother never taught her the things a young girl should know
About the ways of Hashers, and how they come and go. (Mostly cum)
Now age has taken her beauty, and sin has left a bad scar,
So think of your mother, and sister, boys, and let her sleep under the bar.
(With old Granddad)
Large Balls
Tune: ?
Miss Jones was walking down the street,
When a young fellow she happened to meet.
He was giving the girls a hell of a treat,
Twisting and turning his balls.
Chorus:
But they were large balls, huge balls!
Twice as heavy as lead (chung chung)
And with a dexterous twist of his muscular wrist
He threw them right over his head.
Ta-ra-ra-boom, ta-ra-ra-boom, ta-ra-ra-boom-boom-boom
A policeman to the scene was brought.
He said, “A leason’ll have to be taught,
Because there is no reason that anyone ought
To be twisting and turning his balls.”
Large Balls
continued
The prisoner standing in the dock,
He gave the judge a hell of a shock
Insisting on showing the jury his cock,
And twisting and turning his balls
The judge, he said, “The case is clear.
The fine will be one barrel of beer
For any young bugger that comes in here
Twisting and turning his balls.”
Little Brown Mouse
Tune: The Girl I left Behind Me
Oh,the liquor was spilled on the barroom floor,
And the shop was closed for the night,
When out of his hole crawled a little brown mouse,
And he sat in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the liquor off the barroom floor,
And back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
“Bring on the Goddamn cat!”
Well, out came the cat, and they had a little spat,
And the cat ate the little brown mouse. (Chomp chomp)
And the moral of the story is, you can’t drink liquor on the house!
Lobster Song
Tune: Itself (The Old Chisholm Trail?)
Hey Mr Fisherman, home from the sea,
Have you a lobster that you can sell to me?
Chorus: (sang after each verse)
Singing ai-tiddly-ai, shit or bust
Never let your bullocks dangle in the dust.
Why yes sir, yes sir, I have three,
And the biggest of the bastards I will sell to thee.
Well I took the lobster home, but I couldn’t find a dish.
So I put him in the pot where the missus takes a piss.
In the middle of the night, as you well know
The missus got up for to have a heave ho.
First there came a groan, and then there came a grunt.
And then the bloody lobster grabbed her by the cunt.
Lobster Song
continued
The missus grabbed a brush, and I grabbed a broom,
And we chased the fucking lobster all around the room.
We hit it on the head, and we hit it on the side.
We hit the bloody lobster till the bastard died.
Oh, the story has a moral, and this is it,
Always have a shifty before you take a shit.
That’s the end of my story, there is no more.
There’s an apple up my asshole, and you can have the core.
Well, down in Nagasaki, the monkey fucked the cat.
And all the cat could do was fuck the monkey back.
Love Me Tender
Tune: Love Me Tender
Love me tender, love me sweet,
Wrap your lips around my meat.
Watch me smile, and watch me grin,
As my cum rolls down, down, down down
Meet The Hashers
Tune: The Flintstones Theme
Hashers, meet the Hashers.
They’re the biggest drunks in history.
From the town of Austin,
They’re the leaders in debauchery.
Halfminds! Trailing shiggy through the years.
Watch them as they down a lot of beers.
Down down, down down down down….
Motorboat
Tune: Motoring
Sister Hasher, oh the time has come
And you’re the only one to say, “It’s okay.”
Those big ol’ boobies, why not set them free?
You know them titties want to spend more time with me.
It’s true.
Motorboat!
Face and boobs unite!
Your titties feel oh so right.
You know it’s B-b-b-b-b-b-b tonight.
My Grandfather’s Cock
Tune: My Grandfather’s Clock
My grandfather’s cock was too long for his jock,
And it dragged several feet on the floor.
It was longer by half than the old man himself,
And it weight near a hundredweight more.
He’d a horn in the morn of the day that he was born.
It was always his pleasure, and his pride.
But it dropped, shrank, never to rise again,
On the day the old man died.
Our Lager
Prayer
Our lager which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the Beer, The Bitter, and the Lager
Bar-men
Peri Periwinkle/Bagpipe Song
Tune: Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin/Scotland The Brave
Noo a lassie was roamin’ by the banks of Loch Lomand
She tripped on her dress, and a wee chunk o’stane.
Noo a parson was passin’, an on her took passion.
He lifted her up, an’ carried her hame.
Chorus:
Singin’ peri-periwinkle, I see your wee winkle.
Singin’ peri-periwinkle, but ya canna see mine.
Noo he fed her, an’ cled her, an’ into bed led her.
Noo the wee little lassie is sufferin’ shame.
For he climbed in beside her, an’ proceeded to ride her.
Noo the wee little lassie is the whore of Dunblane.
Noo all the little angels are sent up, are sent up,
Noo all the little angels are sent up on high.
Which end up? Arse end up! Which end up? Arse end up!
Noo all the little angels arse end up on high!
Switch tunes:
Peri Periwinkle/Bagpipe Song
continued
Chorus:
Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na…
Here’s to the lassie with the black hairy assie,
Who was liftin’ up her kiltie at the Texas Interhash (substitute hash name).
And here’s to the jockey with the upstanding cocky.
Who was ridin’ the lassie with the black hairy assie,
Who was liftin’ up her kiltie at the Texas Interhash.
And here’s to the Yankee who was wankin’ in his hankie,
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky.
Who was ridin’ the lassie with the black hairy assie,
Who was liftin’ up her kiltie at the Texas Interhash.
And here’s to the queerie who was leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hankie
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky.
Who was ridin’ the lassie with the black hairy assie,
Who was liftin’ up her kiltie at the Texas Interhash.
Peri Periwinkle/Bagpipe Song
continued
And here’s to the harlot who was working in a car lot
To support the queerie who was leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hankie
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky.
Who was ridin’ the lassie with the black hairy assie,
Who was liftin’ up her kiltie at the Texas Interhash.
And here’s to the Hasher who was posin’ as a flasher
Hustling johnnies from the harlot who was working in a car lot
To support the queerie who was leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hankie
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky.
Who was ridin’ the lassie with the black hairy assie,
Who was liftin’ up her kiltie at the Texas Interhash.
And here’s to the wenchy doin’ down downs on a benchy
For the pleasure of the Hasher who was posin’ as a flasher
Hustling johnnies from the harlot who was working in a car lot
To support the queerie who was leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hankie
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky.
Who was ridin’ the lassie with the black hairy assie,
Who was liftin’ up her kiltie at the Texas Interhash.
Peri Periwinkle/Bagpipe Song
continued
Now the moral o’ this ditty is when in Austin City
And you’re out with your favorite girly chasin’ hairs all short and curly
Just remember to take her hashin’, and give her a good bashin’,
But keep her from the wenchy doin’ down downs on a benchy.
For the pleasure of the Hasher who was posin’ as a flasher
Hustling johnnies from the harlot who was working in a car lot
To support the queerie who was leering through his beery
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hankie
At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky.
Who was ridin’ the lassie with the black hairy assie,
Who was liftin’ up her kiltie at the Texas Interhash.
Poetry
Tune: Little Brown Jug (Chorus sung only between each rhyme)
Chorus:
Poetry, poetry, how do you like my poetry?
Not as mellow as Longfellow, but it’s poetry.
Little Jack Horner,
Sat in the corner,
Eating his sister Mary.
He stuck in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, "Hey, what happened to your cherry?"
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
who sat down beside her,
and said, "Hey, what's in the bowl bitch?"
Poetry
continued
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
That crawled up inside her,
So she beat it to death with her spoon.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king’s horses, and all the king’s men,
Has one fucking big omelet.
Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone...
But when she bent over...
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own.
There once was an old lady
That lived in a shoe,
She had so many kids that her
Cunt could stretch over a trash can.
Poetry
continued
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She said "with my pension, that's all I can do"
It may be substandard, but just down the block,
I know an old lady who lives in a sock.
Little Boy Blew,
Because he needed the money.
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
To get her poor daughter a dress,
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
And so was her daughter I guess.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill came down with half a crown
But not for fetching water.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
On and elephant.
Jill got down and helped
Jack off the elephant.
Poetry
continued
Jack and Jill went up the hill
for just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
and Jack has left the city.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill,
each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
do you think they went for water?
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Silly Jill forgot the pill
and now they have a daughter.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down on top of Jill
and now they have another daughter.
Poetry
continued
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill! Forgot that pill!
So now they have a son.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
With a keg of brandy
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed
Now it's Jack, Jill and Andy
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high,
Pulled down his fly,
And Jill said,
"Where's the beef!"
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
Poetry
continued
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Both carrying a bucket.
When Jill bent down
Her ass was round
And Jack decided to fuck it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For a bit of hanky panky
Jill came back
With a very sore crack
Jack must have been a Yankee
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
each with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
the fuckin' whore!
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candlestick
And burnt his balls.
Poetry
continued
Jack was nimble
Jack was quick
but Jill preferred the candlestick!
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was as white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day,
school one day, school one day,
It followed her to school one day -
And a big black dog fucked it!
Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
between two hunks of bread.
Poetry
continued
Mary had a little lamb
And it was always gruntin'
She tied it to a five-bar gate
and kicked its little cunt in.
Mary had a little lamb,
its fleece was white as snow.
And every where that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go.
Now Mary found the price of meat too high,
which really didn't please her.
Tonight she is having the leg of lamb,
the rest is in the freezer.
Mary had a little lamb,
she tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon.
Mary had a little watch,
she kept it in her garter.
And when the boys asked her the time,
she knew what they were after.
Poetry
continued
Mary had a little lamb;
You've heard this tale before;
But did you know she passed her plate;
And had a little more!
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her yard.
Every time she took her panties off,
His little wooly dick got hard.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as charcoal
Every time it jumped the fence
You could see its little arsehole.
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were astounded.
Everywhere that Mary went,
Gynecologists surrounded.
Poetry
continued
When Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised.
When Old McDonald had a farm,
The doctor nearly died.
Mary had a little lamb
A little roast, a little jam
An ice-cream soda topped with fizz
Boy, how sick our Mary is.
Little Willie, full of glee,
put radium in grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it quite a lark
to see her shining in the dark.
Little Willie,
Brand new skates
Hole in ice
Pearly gates
Poetry
continued
The birds may kiss the bees goodbye,
The buttercup...the butterfly.
The morning dew may kiss the grass,
And you my friend, may kiss my ass.
Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam,
where the deer and the antelope play.
Where seldom is heard,
a discouraging word,
after all, just what can an antelope say?
A man's occupation
is to stick his cockulation
up the woman's ventilation
to increase the population
of the coming generation
Roses are violet
Reds are blue
I'm a dyslexic
And stuff too you
Poetry
continued
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
and so am I.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
I'm amnesiac,
And …
Roses are red
Violets are blue
That's what they tell me
Because I'm blind.
Roses are red
Violets are for plucking
Girls out of high school
Are ready for college
Poof, He’s A Fairy
Tune: Pop Goes The Weasel
He doesn’t go out with the girls anymore.
The neighborhood boys are leery.
He sits at home, and beats his meat.
POOF! He’s a Fairy!
Red Flag
Tune: O Tannenbaum
The working class can kiss my ass.
I’ve got the foreman’s job at last.
I’m out of work, and on the dole.
You can shove that Red Flag up your hole.
“Twas on Gibraltar Rock so fair,
I saw a maiden lying there.
And as she lay in sweet repose,
A gust of wind blew up her clothes
A sailor who was passing by,
He tipped his hat, and winked his eye.
And then he saw to his despair,
She had the Red Flag flying there.
The working class can kiss my ass.
I’ve got the foreman’s job at last.
I’m out of work, and on the dole.
You can shove that Red Flag up your hole.
Red Rocket
Tune: Red Robin Jingle
Red Rocket,
CUMMMM!
Rock Around The Cock
A current work-in-progress being penned by Urine Deep Shit.
Tune: Rock Around The Clock
1, 2, 3 inch, 4 inch cock
5, 6, 7 inch, 8 inch cock
9, 10, 11 inch, 12 inch cock
I’m gonna lie about the size all night
Put your O-face on, and join me hon’
It could still be fun even if it’s only 1.
You’re gonna rock around my cock all night
As long as you consider 2 minutes all night.
I’m gonna cock block you from that other guy tonight!
Roedean School
Tune: We Shall Not Be Moved (sort of)
We are from Roedean, good girls are we.
We take great pride in our virginity.
We take precautions. Avoiding abortions.
For we are from Roedean School.
Chorus:
Up school! Up school! Up school!
Right up school!
La, lala lala lala lala
La, lala lala lala lala
Our school porter, he is a fool.
He’s only got a teeny weeny tool.
It’s alright for keyholes, and little girlie pee-holes
But no good for Roedean School.
When we go out to the Vicar’s for tea.
He likes to bounce us up and down on his knee.
We feed him brandy, which makes him feel randy.
For we are from Roedean School.
Roedean School
continued
When we go to the beach for a swim.
People remark on the size of our quim.
“You can bet your bottom dollar, it’s as big as a horse’s collar.”
For we are from Roedean School.
Our Head Prefect, her name is Jane.
She only likes it now and again,
And again, and again, and again, and again.
For she is from Roedean School.
Our house mistress, she can’t be beat.
She let go walking in the street.
We sell our titties for three-penny bitties.
For we are from Roedean School.
Our sports mistress, she is the best.
She teaches us to develop our chest.
We wear tight sweaters, and carry French letters,
For we are from Roedean School.
Each week at Roedean, we have a dance.
We don’t wear bras, and we don’t wear pants.
We like to give all the fellows a chance
For we are from Roedean School.
Roedean School
continued
Our Head Gardener, he makes us drool.
He’s got a great big, dirty whoppin’ tool.
It’s alright for tunnels, and Queen Mary’s funnels.
And perfect for Roedean School.
We have a new girl, her name is Flo.
Nobody thought that she would have a go.
But she surprised the Vicar by raising him quicker.
Than any other girl from Roedean School.
We are from Roedean, lesbos are we.
Caused by living in an all-girl dormit’ry.
It’s lights out at seven, candles out at eleven.
For we are from Roedean School.
Our school doctor, she is a beaut.
Teaches us to swerve when our boyfriends shoot.
It saves many marriages, and force miscarriages.
For we are from Roedean School.
We go to Roedean, don’t we have fun?
We know exactly how it is done.
When we lie down, we hole it in one.
For we are from Roedean School.
Roedean School
continued
Those girls from Cheltenham, they are just sissies.
They get worked up over one or two kissies.
It takes wax candles, and long broom handles,
To rouse the girls from Roedean School.
We go to Roedean, we can be had.
Don’t take my word, boy, ask your old dad.
He brings his friends for breath-taking trends.
For we are from Roedean School.
In our winter, we wear our J. D.s
Long combinations well below our knees.
It’s alright for dragging, but no good for shagging.
For we are from Roedean School.
Rubber Dildo
Tune: Rubber Ducky
Rubber dildo, you’re the one.
You make showers lots of fun.
Rubber dildo, I think I’m in love with you.
Rubber dildo, shouts of joy.
You’re a woman’s favorite toy.
Rubber dildo, I think I’m in love with you.
Every day when I make my way to the tubby.
I am so dog-gone happy that I’m not stuck with a hubby.
Rub-a-dub-dubby
Rubber dildo, you’re so fine.
I’m so thankful that you’re mine.
Rubber dildo, I think I’m in love with,
Rubber dildo, I want to hold on with,
Rubber dildo, I think I’m in love with you.
Rule Britannia
Tune: Rule Brittania
Rule Britannia, marmalade and jam.
Five Chinese crackers up your asshole.
Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang!
Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the seas.
Britons never, never, never shit green peas.
Sally In The Alley
Tune: Itself
Sally in the alley sifting cinders
Lifted up her leg, and farted like a man.
The blast from her ass blew out six winders.
Cheeks of her ass went BAM! BAM! BAM!
Scrotum
Tune: Ja Da
Scrotum! Scrotum!
S-C-R-O-T-U-M
Mangy, grungy
S-C-R-O-T-U-M
Scrotum, scrotum, covered with hair.
What would I do if you weren’t there?
Scrotum! Scrotum!
It’s what I keep my gonads in!
She Was Coming Around The Mountain
Tune: She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain
She was coming around the mountain doing ninety
When the chain on her motorcycle broke.
And she landed in the grass
With the kickstand up her ass,
And her tits were playing Dixie on the spokes.
She’s A Little Sexpot
Tune: I’m A Little Teapot
She’s a little sexpot,
Short and hot.
Here are her titties,
Here’s her G-spot.
When she gets all worked up
Hear her shout,
“Just bend me over,
And eat me out.”
Short Hymn
Tune: ?
(with reverence)
Hymn, Hymn
Fuck him!
Soldier Song
Tune: itself
Asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be.
To piss, to piss, two pistols on my knee.
For cunt, for cunt, for country and for queen.
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole
A soldier I will be.
Some Die Of Drinking Water
Tune: British Grenadier
Some die of drinking water.
Some die of drinking beer.
Some die from dehydration.
Some die from diarrhea.
But of all the world’s diseases,
There’s none that can compare.
To the drip, drip, drip of the syphilitic prick
Of a Hash House Harrier.
Thank God You Finally Shut Up
Tune: Looney Tunes Theme
Thank God you finally shut up.
She finally quit her bitchin’.
Now drink your beer. Get out of here,
And get back in the kitchen!
The Balls Of O’Leary
Tune: The Bells Of St Mary
The balls of O’Leary
Are wrinkled and hairy
They are stately, and shapely
Like the dome of St Paul.
The women all muster
To view that grand cluster
Oh, they stand and they stare
At that bloody great pair
Of O’Leary’s balls.
The Captain’s Wife’s Lament
Tune: Itself
The ship sailed into harbor
After fifteen months at sea.
The Captain hit the tavern
With his crew of fifty three.
After drinking up their pay,
They staggered through the town,
But all the Inns and Public Houses
Turned the sailors down.
The Captain said, “fear not me lads,
You all can come with me.
I live just ‘round the corner,
And you can stay for free.”
But when the Captain’s wife awoke
Upon the break of day,
They say you could hear her wailin’
Clear to Botany Bay.
The Captain’s Wife’s Lament
continued
She said there’s
Seamen all around the bed,
And seamen on the floor.
Seamen in the bathroom,
And behind the closet door.
There’s seamen in the fireplace,
And seamen in the hall.
The living room is carpeted
With seamen, wall to wall.
There’s seamen in the entryway,
And seamen on the stair,
And worst of all, there’s even Seamen
In my underwear.
There’s some behind the larder,
And beneath the table too.
I do believe you seamen
Got into my Irish Stew.
The Captain’s Wife’s Lament
continued
There’s seamen here in front of me,
And seamen in the rear.
My god, there’s even seamen
Hanging from the chandelier.
There’s seamen on the windowsill,
And seamen on the yard.
The seamen even left a stain
Upon the Saint Bernard.
Although I am a patient wife
Tis more than I can bear.
To wake up in the morning
With your seamen in my hair.
I ne’er again wish to see thee
Darken up my door.
So clean up all your seamen,
And come round my way no more.
So clean up all your seamen,
And come round my way no more.
The Day My Puppy Died
Tune: American Pie
A long, long time ago,
I can still remember my very first blowjob.
And how my little pecker quivered
With every tongue lash she delivered,
And when she licked my ballsack,
I could hardly hold my load back.
I tried to stick it up her butt,
But I split her ass, and ripped her gut.
I knew I’d have to get a slut
The day my puppy died.
Oh, why, why did my dog have to die?
That retriever had a beaver that would never run dry.
She’d fetch my slippers, and then unzip my fly.
Oh why did my dog have to die?
The Monks Of Saint Bernard
Tune: ?
The monks of St Bernard, St Bernard, St Bernard,
They don’t give a buggar at all. (Why not!)
They rise up right early, right early, right early
And pee through a hole in the wall.
The green leaves are yellow
The green leaves are yellow
The green leaves are yellow
And so is the hole in the wall….in the wall.
The monks of Tintagel were so small and fragile,
They couldn’t reach the hole in the wall. ( )
They went to King Authur, and had a palaver,
He built them a hole in the floor.
The green grass is yellow
The green grass is yellow
The green grass is yellow
And so is the hole in the floor...in the floor.
The monks of Boscastle, they don’t give a hassle,
They don’t give a hassle at all. (Why not?)
They rise up right early, right early, right early
The Monks Of Saint Bernard
continued
And pee on the Old Harbour Wall.
The green seas are yellow
The green seas are yellow
The green seas are yellow
And so is the Old Harbour Wall...Harbour Wall
The Nuns of Hitchin played hell in the kitchen.
The couldn’t reach the hole in the wall. ( )
They lifted their habits, and piddled like rabbits
Over the old garden wall.
The green peas were yellow
The green peas were yellow
The green peas were yellow
And so is the old garden wall...garden wall.
The Nipples On Her Tits
Tune: Turkey In The Straw
Oh, the wiggle of her ass would make a dead man cum,
And the nipples on her tits are as big as my thumb.
She’s a mean mother fucker. She’s a great cock sucker.
She’s a harriette!
The Old Brown Cow
Tune: The Old Grey Mare
The old brown cow went phrrrt up against the wall,
Phrrrt up against the wall, phrrrt up against the wall.
The old brown cow went phrrrt up against the wall,
And the wall was covered in shit, shit, shit.
The Scotsman Kilt
Tune: The Scotsman’s Kilt
A Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair.
One could tell by how he walked that he’s drunk more than his share.
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet.
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o,
Ring di diddle i o
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
‘Bout that time two young and lovely girls just happened by.
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye,
“See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath their kilt.”
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o,
Ring di diddle i o
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath their kilt.
The Scotsman Kilt
continued
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be,
Then lifted up his kilt about an inch so that they could see.
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o,
Ring di diddle i o
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
They marveled for a moment, then one said, “We’d best be gone,
But let’s leave a present for our friend before we move along.”
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied in a bow
Around the bonnie spar the Scotsman’s kilt did lifted show.
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o,
Ring di diddle i o
Around the bonnie spar the Scotsman’s kilt did lifted show.
The Scotsman Kilt
continued
The Scotsman woke to nature’s call, and stumbled towards the trees.
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
Then in a startled voice he says to what’s before his eyes,
“Lad, I don’t know where you’ve been, but I see you won first prize.”
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o,
Ring di diddle i o
Lad, I don’t know where you’ve been, but I see you won first prize.
The Sexual Life Of a Camel
Tune: Eton Boating Song
Lily went down to pass water.
She pissed a magnificent stream.
She peed for an hour and a quarter,
And you couldn’t see Lily for steam.
Chorus:
Singing, bum titty titty, bum titty titty, titty bum
Bum titty titty, bum titty titty yay
Singing bum titty titty, bum titty titty, titty bum
Oh, the assholes are here to stay.
The sexual life of the camel
Is stranger than anyone thinks.
At the height of the mating season,
He tries to bugger the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx’s posterior orifice
Is clogged by the sands of the Nile.
Which accounts for the humps on the camel,
And the Sphinx’s inscrutable smile.
The Sexual Life Of a Camel
continued
The sexual life of an ostrich
Is hard to understand.
At the height of the mating season,
She buries her head in the sand.
When along comes a male ostrich,
His prick standing high in the air.
Oh why doesn’t he up her, and stuff her?
He just doesn’t bloody well care.
In the process of civilization,
From anthropoid ape down to man,
It’s commonly known that the Navy
Has buggered whatever it can.
But recent extensive researches
By Darwin, and Huxley, and Hall
Have conclusively shown that the hedgehog
Has never been buggered at all.
The Sexual Life Of a Camel
continued
We therefore believe our conclusion
Is incontrovertibly shown
That comparably safety on shipboard
Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
Oh, why haven’t they done it at Spithead,
As they have at Harvard and Yale,
And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
By shaving the spines off it’s tail?
So come on all ye Hashers
And should the occasion rise,
Grab yourself a hedgehog,
And give it a big surprise.
But the following simple instructions
Will ensure that you shall not fail.
Simply ream out it’s arse with a hose pipe,
And shave all the spines off it’s tail.
The Sexual Life Of a Camel
continued
It was Christmas Eve in the harem.
The eunuchs all standing there
Watching the Vestal Virgins
Combing their pubic hair.
When the voice of Father Christmas
Came echoing down the hall,
Saying what would you like for Christmas?
The eunuchs all answered, “Balls!”
The old men were having a birthday,
Standing at the bar.
Thinking about the old times.
Thinking back that far.
When along came a dusky maiden.
By Christ, she was so fair.
Asking what would they like for their birthday?
The old men all shouted, “Hair!”
The Sexual Life Of a Camel
continued
“What will you have,” asked the waiter,
Calmly picking his nose.
“Two hard boiled eggs,” said the customer,
“You can’t get your fingers in those.”
The waiter replied to the customer,
“The eggs are quite safe to eat.
What could I possibly do to them?
Excuse me while I take a leak.”
My name is Cecil.
I come from Leicester Square.
I wear open-toed sandals
With flowers in my hair.
For we’re all queers together
That’s why we go around in pairs.
Yes we’re all queers together.
Excuse us while we go upstairs.
The Sexual Life Of a Camel
continued
I went for a ride on a choo-choo
I found that I had to stand.
A little boy offered me his seat.
I went for it with my hand.
For we’re all queers together
That’s why we go around in pairs.
Yes we’re all queers together.
Excuse us while we go upstairs.
I went to sell my motorcar
At a bar while quenching my thirst,
A man asked me my bottom price.
I said let me sell my car first.
For we’re all queers together
That’s why we go around in pairs.
Yes we’re all queers together.
Excuse us while we go upstairs.
There Was A Little Bird
Tune: itself
There was a little bird,
No bigger than a turd,
A-sittin’ on a telephone pole.
He ruffled up his neck,
And he shit about a peck.
And he puckered up his little asshole.
(pointing to violators): Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole
He puckered up his little asshole.
They Ought To Be Thoroughly Pissed On
Tune: itself
They ought to be thoroughly pissed on.
They ought to be publicly shot! (Bang, Bang)
They ought to be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester, and rot.
This Is Your Down Down Song
Tune: Ta-Rah-Rah-Boom Te-Ay
This is your down down song
It isn’t very long.
Drink it down down down down
Twenty Toes
Tune: various (Yankee Doodle, I’m a Lumberjack, ?)
There’s a game called Twenty Toes
It’s played all over town.
The women play with ten toes up,
The men with ten toes down, down, down, down
U-G-L-Y
Chant
Tits down, ass up, that’s the way we like to fuck your mama, your mama, your mama says you’re ugly.
U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, you’re ugly, you’re ugly, your daddy says you’re ugly.
D-A-D-D-Y, you don’t even know that guy. Your daddy, your daddy, your daddy says you’re ugly.
U-N-C-L-E, he might be your real daddy. Your uncle, your uncle, your uncle says you’re ugly.
C-O-U-S-I-N, that who you’ll be marryin’. Your cousin, your cousin, your cousin says you’re ugly.
T-R-A-N-N-Y, your girlfriend used to be a guy. Your tranny, your tranny, your tranny says you’re ugly.
B-A-B-B-Y, if you fuck it, it will die. A baby, a baby, a baby says you’re ugly.
Visitor’s Song
Tune: Underdog Theme
SONGMASTER: There’s no need to fear!
PACK: We’ve got lots of beer!
When visitors in this hash appear,
And pay five bucks to drink our beer,
And offend all those who see or hear,
The cry goes out both far and near to,
DRINK IT DOWN
Drink it down
DRINK IT DOWN
Drink it down.
Speed of lightening, sound of thunder
Chug it down, or show us Chunder
Drink it down, down down down down
Drink it down
Walking Down Canal Street
Tune: Various (I’ve heard it as a Cadence, to The Candy Man, and to The Doggies Meeting tune, and at least one other) Always sang with a leader, followed by the pack repeating the the leader
Walking down Canal Street,
Banging on every door.
Goddamn, son-of-a-bitch!
I couldn’t find a whore.
Finally found a whore.
She was tall and thin.
Goddamn, son-of-a-bitch!
I couldn’t get it in.
Finally got it in.
Wiggled it about.
Goddamn, son-of-a-bitch!
I couldn’t get it out.
Walking Down Canal Street
continued
Finally got it out.
It was red and sore.
Moral to the story is
To never fuck a whore.
Six weeks later,
Went to take a piss.
Goddamn, son-of-a-bitch!
She gave me syphilis.
Went to the doctor
To see about the sores.
He said, “You stupid bastard,
Don’t fuck New Orleans whores.”
Nine months later,
I’d forgotten what I did.
Goddamn, son-of-a-bitch!
She brought me home a kid.
War Hares
Tune: War Pigs (Black Sabbath)
He runs slower than molasses
Cause he’s scoping young boys’ asses.
Master of inebriation,
And delayed ejaculation.
All those oozing sores are burning
From the tricks that he’s been turning.
With the ladies he has no luck,
Cause he’s always too drunk to fuck.
Down-down-down
Wee Wee Song
Tune: Itself
When I was just a wee wee tot,
They took me from my wee wee cot,
And put me on my wee wee pot
To see if I could wee or not.
When they found that I could not,
They took me from my wee wee pot
And put me in my wee wee cot
Where I wee weed quite a lot.
Now I’m old and turning gray.
I can only wee wee once a day.
We’re Off To See Our Dealer
Tune: We’re Off To See The Wizard
We’re off to see our dealer
The wonderful dealer of ours
The things he’s got
Are better than pot
And full of fantastic powers.
If you want to spin like a UFO
That dealer of ours will make it so.
We know, we know, we know, we know, we knoooow!
Over the hill your mind he’ll blow.
We’re off to see our dealer
That wonderful dealer of ours.
We’ve Got Virgins
Tune: Frere Jacques
We’ve got virgins
We’ve got virgins
At our Hash
At our Hash
Gonna get ‘em drunked up
Gonna get ‘em fucked up
Down the hatch
Up the ass.
What A Wank
Tune: William Tell Overture
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank wank.
What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank in the morning.
Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank in the night.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank wank.
What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
When I Was A Little Girl
Tune: Happy Wanderer
When I was a little girl, I had a little thing,
And if I tried, I could fit my little finger in.
Finger in, finger in, finger in
Finger i-i-i-i-i-i-i, finger in, finger in.
My little finger in.
I’ve grown into a woman now. My thing has lost its charm.
I can fit five fingers in, and half my fucking arm.
Fucking arm, fucking arm, fucking arm,
Fucking a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a, fucking arm, fucking arm.
And half my fucking arm.
Now I’m over seventy, my thing’s half fucking dead.
I can fit both arms in, and half my fucking head.
Fucking head, fucking head, fucking head,
Fucking heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh , heh, fucking head, fucking head,
And half my fucking head.
When I Was A Little Girl
continued
Now my age is ninety two. My thing has turned half black.
I can fit my husband in. I just can’t get him back.
Get him back, get him back, get him back,
Get him ba--a-a-a-a-a-a, get him back, get him back,
I just can’t get him back.
Where Were You Last Week
Tune: Where Oh Where Were You Last Week (from Hee Haw)
Where, Oh where were you last week?
Why did you make us Hash all alone?
You fat lazy bastard, you weren’t even here,
So we fucked all the virgins, and drank all the beer.
Down, down, drink it all down.
Drink it all down, drink all that beer.
You fat lazy bastard, you weren’t even here,
So we drank all the virgins, and fucked all the beer.
While The Train Is In The Station
Tune: Humoresque
While the train is in the station,
Please refrain from urination.
Have regard for Railway property.
If you want to pass some water,
Please go ask a Railway Porter.
He will show you to the lavatory.
While the train is stationary,
And you want to go quite heavy,
Do not drop your load inside the train.
From the carriage you must wander
And a penny you must squander
Then relieve yourself with might and mane.
Whip It Out At The Ball Game
Tune: Take Me Out to the Ball Game
Whip it out at the ball game.
Wave it round at the crowd.
Dip it in peanuts, and Cracker Jacks.
I don’t care if you give it a whack,
Cause it’s beat your meat at the ball game.
If you don’t cum it a shame.
For it’s one, two, you’re covered in goo
At the old ball game.
Why Was He (She) Born So Beautiful?
Tune: Itself
Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He’s no fucking use to anyone.
He’s no fucking use at all.
He may be a joy to his mother,
But he’s a pain in the asshole to me.
HIM! HIM! FUCK HIM!
Will You Marry Me? (duet)
Tune: Itself
Men:
If I give you half a crown,
Will take your knickers down?
Will you marry, marry marry marry,
Will you marry me?
Women:
If you give me half a crown
I won’t take my knickers down.
I won’t marry, marry marry marry,
I won’t marry you.
If I give you fish and chips,
Will you let me feel your tits?
Will you marry, marry marry marry,
Will you marry me?
If you give me fish and chips,
I won’t let you feel my tits.
I won’t marry, marry marry marry,
I won’t marry you.
Will You Marry Me? (duet)
continued
If I give you my big chest,
And all the money I possess,
Will you marry, marry marry marry,
Will you marry me?
If you give me your big chest,
And all the money you possess.,
I will marry, marry marry marry,
I will marry you.
Ho ho ho! I wouldn’t think it funny?
You don’t want me.
You just want my money!
With An F
Tune: William Tell Overture
With an F, with an F, with an F-U-C
With an F-U-C-K Y-O-U
With an F, with an F, With an F-U-C
With a K, and a Y-O U
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you in the morning.
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you in the night.
With an F, with an F, with an F-U-C
With an F-U-C-K Y-O-U
With an F, with an F, With an F-U-C
With a K, and a Y-O U
Why Did You Run So Slow?
Tune: Turkey In The Straw
Why did you run so slow?
Did you stop for a show?
Did you even fucking jog,
Or maybe you tip toed?
No clue how you are here,
While we all still have beer?
Why did you run so slow?
Why I Was Late To The Hash Today
Tune; The Scotsman’s Kilt(?)
Dear Hash, I sing this song to you to tell you of my plight.
For as I write this letter I am not a pretty sight.
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray.
And I sing this song to tell you why I was late to the Hash today.
While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear.
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea.
And my foreman, he is not too pleased, he is an awful sod.
He said I had to carry them down the ladder in my hod.
Well moving all those bricks by hand, it went so very slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel, and secured the rope below.
But in my haste to do this job, I blindly couldn’t see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.
So when I unsecured the rope, the barrel fell like lead.
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found,
Halfway up I met that bloody barrel coming down.
The barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped.
And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with my head.
Why I Was Late To The Hash Today
continued
But I held on tightly, numb with shock from that massive blow
As the barrel spilled out half its load some fourteen floors below.
Now when the bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I outweighed the barrel, and I started down once more.
But I help on tightly to the rope, my body wracked with pain.
And halfway down I met that bloody barrel once again.
The force of that collision halfway round the city block
Caused multiple abrasions, and a nasty state of shock.
But I held on tightly to the rope as I sped down to the ground,
And landed on those building bricks the barrel had scattered round.
Now as I lay there on the bricks, I thought I’d passed the worst,
Then the barrel hit the pulley, and the bottom of it burst.
A shower of bricks came down on me, oh I was out of hope.
Lying, bleeding on the ground, I let go of the rope.
The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say,
I hope that you will understand why I was late to the Hash today.
Why Was He Born So Beautiful?
Tune: itself
Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He’s no fucking use to anyone.
He’s no fucking use at all.
He may be a joy to his mother,
But he’s a pain in the asshole to me.
Him, him, fuck him!
Woodpecker’s Hole
Tune: Dixie
I put my finger in the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Take it out! Take it out! Take it out!
REMOVE IT!
I removed my finger from the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Put it back! Put it back! Put it back!
REPLACE IT!
I replaced my finger in the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Turn it round! Turn it round! Turn it round!
REVOLVE IT!
I revolved my finger in the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Turn it back! Turn it back! Turn it back!
REVERSE IT!
Woodpecker’s Hole
continued
I reversed my finger in the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
In and out! In and out! In and out!
RECIPROCATE IT!
I reciprocated my finger in the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Speed it up! Speed it up! Speed it up!
ACCELERATE IT!
I accelerated my finger in the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Slow it down! Slow it down! Slow it down!
RETARD IT!
I retarded my finger in the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Take it out! Take it out! Take it out!
RETRACT IT!
I revolved my finger in the woodpecker’s hole,
And the woodpecker said, “God bless my soul,
Take a whiff! Take a whiff! Take a whiff!
REVOLTING!
Would You Like To Sit On My Face
Tune: Would You Like To Swing On A Star
Would you like to sit on my face?
It’s a very comfortable place.
Drag your hole down over my nose,
Or would you rather ride my hose?
My hose is an animal which lives in my pants.
It’ll jump out, and get you if you give it a chance.
Or would you rather fuck in my car?
Carry sperm juice home in a jar?
Ride my rocket up to the moon,
And eat my sperm juice with a spoon?
Ya Ho
Tune: When Johnny Comes Marching Home
A Harriette set trail one day. Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
A Harriette set trail one day. Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
A Harriette set trail one day.
She said, “Hey Hasher, ya fancy a lay?
Get in. Get Out. Quit fuckin’ about!”
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her toe. Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her toe. Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her toe.
She said, “Hey Hasher, you’re way too low!
Get in. Get out. Quit fuckin’ about!”
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee. Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee, Ya ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee.
She said, “Hey Hasher, you’re teasin’ me!
Get in. Get out. Quit fuckin’ about!”
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Ya Ho
continued
Thigh--”Hey Hasher, you’re way too shy!”
Eye--”Hey Hasher, you’re way too high!”
I put my cock into her mouth--She said, “Mmmmphhh, mmmphhh”
Tit--”Hey Hasher, just squeeze a bit!”
Roughly here--”What the fuck? You fucking queer!”
Elbow--”Yeah, I’m just gonna go.”
My cock into her ass--”Hey Hasher, you’re giving me gas.”
Shove my face into her merkin--”Nah, that’s not really workin’”
(Reverent)
And now she lies in a wooden box. (x3)
From suck too many Hasher’s cocks!
Ya Ho
continued
We dig her up every now and then (x3)
We fucked her once. We’ll fuck her again!
The worms have eaten her through and through. (x3)
Many more holes for me to screw!
And now she’s gone, but not forgotten. (x3)
We fucked her dead. We’ll fuck her rotten!
You Can Tell A Man That Boozes
Tune: Itself
It was early last September
As near as I remember
While strolling down the lane in tipsy pride.
No one was I disturbing,
As I lay there by the curbing
When a pig came up, and lay there by my side.
As I lay there in the gutter
Thinking thought I cannot utter,,
A lady passing by was heard her say,
“You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses.”
And the pig got up, and slowly walked away.
Young Roger Of Kildare
Tune: The Wake In Kildare (var)?
Oh mother, mother dear,
May I go to the fair?
May I go with Young Roger,
Young Roger of Kildare?
For I know he’s kind and gentle,
And will love me for my sake.
And I know he will not harm me
Coming home from the lake.
Yes daughter, daughter dear,
You may got to the fair.
You may go with Young Roger,
Young Roger of Kildare.
For I know he’s kind and gentle,
And will love you for your sake.
And I know he will not harm you
Coming home from the lake.
Young Roger Of Kildare
continued
So she went with Young Roger.
She went to the fair.
She went with Young Roger,
Young Roger of Kildare.
And he stuffed her up with ice cream,
And he stuffed her up with cake.
And he stuffed it right up her
Coming home from the lake.
So all you pretty maidens,
Beware, oh beware!
Beware of YoungRoger,
Young Roger of Kildare.
For although he’s kind and gentle,
And will love you for your sake.
But keep your legs together
Coming home from the lake.
You’re Stupid, You’re Stupid
Chant
You’re stupid, you’re stupid
You’re really fucking dumb.
If it wasn’t for your mother,
You’d be a spot of cum!
Zicky-Zacky
Chant (to point out breaches in circle etiquette)
Zicky-zacky, zicky-zacky,
Hoy, Hoy, Hoy!
Zicky-zacky, zicky-zacky,
Hoy, Hoy, Hoy!
Zulu Warrior
Tune: itself
Ole-dee-mama, Kira-le-dee-mama
Ole-dee-mama, Kira-le-dee-mama
Ole, zooma zooma zooma,
Ole, zooma zooma chief.
Ole, zooma zooma zooma,
Ole, zooma zooma chief!
Drink it down you Zulu warrior!
Drink it down you Zulu chief!
Drink it down you Zulu warrior!
Drink it down you Zulu chief, chief, chief!