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Screen Time Agreements

That Stick

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On a scale of 1 – 10, how much conflict

is screen time creating in your family?

Huge�conflict

No�conflict

Moderate�conflict

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But Lisa,

that doesn’t sound like

an agreement that stuck

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The only agreements that stick

are ones that work for everyone…

and everyone enters voluntarily

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Agenda

The agreement my own family reached
How fear fuels conflict
A collaborative process to harness that fear and tap into kids’ intrinsic motivation to take care of themselves
How other families are using the method
How you can apply it to your own situation

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If you’re a good parent,

keep your kids’ screen time

to an absolute minimum!

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Brain Development

Cyberbullying

Self-Esteem

Sexual Predators

Screen Time Fears

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Fear fuels conflict

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My Family’s Screen Time Agreement

What we watch and how much we watch is up to each of us, provided it’s not interfering with

Rest
Connection
Meaningful activities

If any of us is concerned, we talk and problem solve

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Do you feel guilt or shame

about how much time

your kids spend on screens?

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Do you feel guilt or shame

about how much time

you spend on screens?

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My Family’s Screen Time Agreement

What we watch and how much we watch is up to each of us, provided it’s not interfering with

Rest
Connection
Meaningful activities

If any of us is concerned, we talk and problem solve

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The method yields different agreements

depending on what’s important

to the people involved

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But Lisa, your kids

are screen time fiends

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The only agreements that stick

are ones that work for everyone…

and everyone enters voluntarily

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How fears fuel conflict

Parent gets scared

Parent wants to contribute

Parent loses trust

Parent imposes restrictions

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Kids can’t be trusted

so parents need to impose screen time

limits and stick to them no matter what

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There are two problems

with Power Over decisions

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There are two problems with

Power Over Decisions

Parents don’t have all the information

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There are two problems with

Power Over Decisions

Parents don’t have all the information
They invite rebellion

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Think back to a time your parents

took something away from you

How did you feel?
What did you do in response?

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Parents are in a vicious cycle

Parent imposes a restriction

Kid’s needs aren’t met

Kid sneaks and lies

Parent punishes sneaking and lying

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The only way to make

a Power Over Decision stick

is through enforcement

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I can’t trust myself with a screen

How can I trust my kids?

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Parents’ mistrust is misplaced

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It’s not that we can’t trust ourselves

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It’s not that we can’t trust our kids

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No one can trust the screen

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Misconception Reality

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We’re on the same team

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What I explained to my kids

Screens are designed to keep us on them. I don’t want the screen to have power over me.

If I can’t trust that I can say “No” to something, I can’t trust that I’m in choice when I say “Yes” to it.

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The only agreements that stick

are ones that work for everyone…

and everyone enters voluntarily

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A three phase process for reaching agreements that stick

Consult with everyone throughout the process

Co-create new strategies

3

2

Take inventory

1

Come up with criteria

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Propose a Family Meeting

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She doesn’t want to use force

because she knows it won’t stick

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Make requests, not demands

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Trust that if a proposal doesn’t work for someone,

you can work together

to come up with something that will

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The only agreements that stick

are ones that work for everyone…

and everyone enters voluntarily

in response to requests, not demands

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What I explained to my kids

Screens are designed to keep us on them. I don’t want the screen to have power over me.

If I can’t trust that I can say “No” to something, I can’t trust that I’m in choice when I say “Yes” to it.

Do you experience screens like I do?

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A three phase process for reaching agreements that stick

Consult with everyone throughout the process

Co-create new strategies

3

2

Take inventory

1

Come up with criteria

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Come up with criteria for the agreement

When it comes to screens…

What does each of us want for ourselves?
Each other?
Our family as a whole?

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Harness your fears

to discover what’s important to you

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Leah, Perry & Oliver’s Criteria

We want a solution that supports…

Choice in how we relate to devices
Connection among family members
Variety of opportunities for fun
Meaningful use of screens
Actually getting to rest
Discerning what enough is

Nothing on this list is controversial

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What would you add?

We want a solution that supports…

Choice in how we relate to devices
Connection among family members
Variety of opportunities for fun
Meaningful use of screens
Actually getting to rest
Discerning what enough is

Nothing on this list is controversial

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A three phase process for reaching agreements that stick

Consult with everyone throughout the process

Co-create new strategies

3

2

Take inventory

1

Come up with criteria

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Inventory What’s Working

Make a list of devices
What do you like about the way you’re using them?
Does everyone else like that too?

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Inventory What’s Working

Tell your neighbor one thing about screens that’s working well for everyone in your family.

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Inventory What’s Working and What Isn’t

What do you not like about the way you’re using devices?
What do you not like about the way other people are using them?

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Inventory What’s Working

Tell your neighbor the biggest source of conflict

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Leah, Perry, and Oliver’s Conflicts

Perry watching the news while Leah makes breakfast on the weekend
The amount of time Oliver spends on Youtube
The amount of screen time Oliver has in the afternoons when he doesn’t have plans
Lack of clarity about when Oliver is going to get a phone

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A three phase process for reaching agreements that stick

Consult with everyone throughout the process

Co-create new strategies

3

2

Take inventory

1

Come up with criteria

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Leah, Perry, and Oliver’s Conflicts

Perry watching the news while Leah makes breakfast on the weekend

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Leah, Perry & Oliver’s Criteria

We want a solution that supports…

Choice in how we relate to devices
Connection among family members
Variety of opportunities for fun
Meaningful use of screens
Actually getting to rest
Discerning what enough is

Nothing on this list is controversial

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Leah, Perry & Oliver’s Criteria

We want a solution that supports…

Choice in how we relate to devices
Connection among family members
Variety of opportunities for fun
Meaningful use of screens
Actually getting to rest
Discerning what enough is

Nothing on this list is controversial

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Leah, Perry, and Oliver’s Conflicts

The amount of time Oliver spends on Youtube

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Oliver doesn’t want the screen

to have power over him

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But what if your kids say

they’re fine with screens

having power over them?

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Propose an experiment

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The Experiment

First week

Family member decides how much screen to watch
Collect data about how they feel and you feel

Second week

Observer decides how much screen the family member watches
Collect data about how they feel and you feel

Afterward

Base collaborative agreements on the data

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Forcing a child to put on a jacket when it’s cold

Inviting them to put their jacket in their backpack

vs.

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It’s a chance for the child

to learn how to be responsive

to their own needs

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“This isn’t working!

It’s not sticking!”

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Collaboration isn’t going

to lead to peace

in every moment

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Agreements can evolve

without a power struggle

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Questions?

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Leah, Perry, and Oliver’s Conflicts

The amount of screen time Oliver has in the afternoons when he doesn’t have plans

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It hard to communicate in a connected way

when we’re freaking out

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What’s the horror story

you’re telling yourself?

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“How do you feel

about the amount of screen

you’re watching?”

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What if your kid

wants more screen time

and you’re worried

that’s not going to contribute

to their well-being?

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What needs are screens meeting?

Stimulation
Rest
Connection
Fun
Freedom

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What needs are screens meeting?

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Sometimes more screen time

might meet the most needs

given the capacity limits

of everyone involved

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The only agreements that stick

are ones that work for everyone…

and everyone enters voluntarily

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“Are you sure?

I want the agreement

we make to stick

and if it doesn’t work

for you, it won’t.”