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GOAL: Equip you with strategies to teach students effective conflict resolution and relationship-building skills

AGENDA:

Welcome
Movie & Discussion
Tools for Us
Tools for Students

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Theresa Hicks, MSEd�

Catholic School Partnership Specialist

theresa@friendzy.co

945.213.6244

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What was the main problem in the movie?
Why was there tension?
What could have been done better?

Let’s Talk It Out

JOY: What did you talk about? Reference questions and get large group input (run around with Mic so everyone can hear)

When we are under pressure, it reveals our character. And sometimes like this little old lady we blow it and don’t show up at our highest and best.

Video Comments:

WHITNEY: Students are looking to the world to see how adults handle tension and conflict. That’s where kids learn.

JOY: Who likes conflict? Who does not like conflict? YET - Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships. Our greatest wounds come from people. And so does our greatest healing.

Conflict can take a negative emotional toll. It takes effort to get angry at some. It’s exhausting to be mad. Plus you get to feel horrible and guilty when you blow up or lose your cool. It’s also taxing to have to ignore someone or be passive aggressive.

JOY: EX: This past thanksgiving… Gathered my two adult children, my parents, my son’s girl friends and we reminisced about our past. We talked about vacations and adventure and old arguments…Brandon 11 ish. Stout little man. Running back. Argued. I grab him by the shoulder to keep him from storming off.

He took off running and his shirt stayed in my hand. I looked down and looked at the shirt and it said John 3:16… SLIDE

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We don’t have a conflict management problem…

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I can only control MYSELF

Out of My Control

My words

How I respond to my feelings

How I treat others

When to ask for help

How I react

How others act

Other people’s feelings

Other people’s thoughts

My boundaries

What others say

Circle of Control

In My Control

Control the controllables Whitney

As Joy said, we don’t have a conflict management problem, we have an emotion management problem. When our emotions get the best of us (like we saw in the video or as Joy shared her “mom” moment), we may not show up as our best selves. We might react in ways that aren’t helpful to us or to others. As a counselor, one of my favorite tools to use with students was the circle of control. I use this myself as an adult!
The Circle of Control theory, often associated with Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," is a concept that illustrates the idea that there are aspects of our lives that we can control, influence, and those that we cannot.
The Circle of Control theory suggests that our lives can be represented by a circle, with two distinct regions: the inner circle, representing things within our control, and the outer circle, representing things outside our control.
Inner Circle (Control): This circle encompasses aspects of our lives over which we have direct control. This includes our attitudes, behaviors, responses, choices, and actions. These are areas where we have the power to make decisions and enact change.
Outer Circle (No Control): This circle is the elements of our lives that we cannot directly influence or control. This can include external events, the actions of others, the words of others, the thoughts of others, natural disasters, and more. These are things that happen independently of our will or actions.
What we have to remember: Focus on the Inner Circle: The theory suggests we should focus our time, energy, and attention primarily on the inner circle—those aspects of our lives that we can control. By doing so, we become more proactive and effective in managing our lives, rather than feeling overwhelmed by external circumstances.
Acceptance of the Outer Circle: While we cannot control everything in our lives, it is helpful for us to accept the existence of the outer circle and learning to cope with it. This involves remaining resilience and flexible and recognizing that certain events and circumstances are beyond our control. We have to learn to adapt, adjust, or find ways to lessen their impact.

Overall, this theory allows us to take a collective deep breath. We can only control that inner circle. Like the lady in the video, she couldn’t control that she thought the man was eating her cookies, but she could have controlled her response. She could have double-checked her purse before reacting, she could have asked him nicely not to eat her cookies (and would have found out they weren’t hers)...instead she found herself feeling remorseful for her words and actions in the end.

When I shift to this mindset, I find I can take a deep breath and focus my energy on the things that I can impact…and release the rest.

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We know what to do…

DID YOU KNOW?

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Rant and make others feel uncomfortable.
Express yourself directly and stand up for your point of view.

Question 1: Which is the best way?

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Intimidate others and speak aggressively.
Be kind, respectful, and clearly communicate your feelings and needs.

Question 2: Which is the best way?

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Ignore other’s needs, feelings and opinions. Glare at them and roll your eyes.
Listen to the other person's point of view. Your body language is upright, calm and confident.

Question 2: Which is the best way?

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Finished with this slide 35-40 minutes (3:45-3:50pm)

In order to remedy this emotion management problem (which results in conflicts and tension!) we must learn how to regulate emotions. Emotions can come on strong and quick, and they can be quick to take the driver’s seat. While things in our outer circle of control might influence our emotions, our emotions and responses to them are within our inner circle of control. The definition of emotional regulation encompasses both positive and negative feelings, along with how we can strengthen them, use them, and control them.

Emotional regulation involves three components:

Initiating actions triggered by emotions.
Inhibiting actions triggered by emotions.
Modulating responses triggered by emotions.

Ideally, the third component is the best way to make the most of the regulatory processes.

Every day, we face hundreds of emotion-provoking stimuli, and most of them require some action or response from our end. It is only natural for the mind to get hooked into some negative thought patterns or unmindfully ignore emotions after getting bombarded with so many stimuli every day (Davidson, 1998).

Studies on emotional regulation indicate that there is a significant positive correlation between emotion regulation and depression management and anxiety management.

When we confront a provoking stimulus, the natural reaction of the brain is to activate the amygdala, a brain site that regulates the fight-or-flight responses (Lee, 2018; Van der Kolk, 1994). Emotional regulation processes allow us to buy time before we act on the fight or flight triggers.

The increased time gap between stimulus and response restores the mental faculties that involve rational thinking and reasoning. As a result, we can save ourselves from sudden emotional breakdowns or burnout.

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“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

VIKTOR FRANKL | Man’s Search for Meaning

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STICK to the Basics

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Matthew 18:15

.

IF YOUR BROTHER OR SISTER SINS, GO AND POINT OUT THEIR FAULT, JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

IF THEY LISTEN TO YOU, YOU HAVE WON THEM OVER.

Key Verse

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FRIENDZY

COMPETITION

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…about a conflict you recently faced.

Track in your note catcher…

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WHITNEY: This is a tool I often used this tool in my practice with students to help them understand the steps towards solving conflicts in a way that’s healthy and productive. Explicitly teaching conflict resolution strategies is a proactive way for us to cultivate safe spaces in our school buildings. Teaching conflict resolution skills also builds self-confidence and self-efficacy skills as students realize they can be their own problem solvers! These skills are teachable, and the truth is many of us as adults may not have had the opportunity to learn these skills ourselves. Students are looking at the adults in their lives to learn how they should navigate the world around them. We want to show students that conflicts can be solved, relationships can remain intact, and that having tension doesn’t mean our reaction should be violent or unkind but that we can lean into tension with vulnerability, honesty, care, and compassion…and move to a place of forgiveness.. Students don’t have the best example these days when they turn on the tv and see adults in the midst of tension…not exactly the best example sometimes on how to deal with conflict. But when we look at Scripture.

Conflict is an inevitable part of life. We may have conflicts with our family, our friends, colleagues, or even strangers who cut us off in traffic! God created us all with our own unique ideas and interests, so disagreements are bound to happen. That said, as we think about practicing our faith in action when it comes to conflict, God shows us this so clearly in the Gospel of Matthew. As we dig into this idea of STICKing with the Basics when it comes to navigating conflict, I want to use this passage as a framework for us.

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“Know this, my dear brothers: everyone should be quick to hear,* slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of a man does not accomplish the righteousness of God.”

JAMES 1:19-20

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Breathing calms your brain and lowers stress levels

STOP is the first step in sticking with the basics. When confronted with an emotion-evoking stimuli, our brain response and quickly go into fight, flight or freeze mode. We might not be able to think logically about what to do. Stop gives us the opportunity to pause, collect ourselves, so we are better able to process what to do next. Taking a few deep breaths can be a really helpful strategy when we STOP.

Breathing calms your brain. Deep breathing helps get more oxygen into your bloodstream, opening up your capillaries. It has a physical effect on your body to help you calm down and lower stress. It stimulates the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain to the abdomen and is in charge of turning off the “fight or flight” reflex. It encourages a full oxygen exchange in our bodies, which slows our heart rate and lowers and stabilizes our blood pressure. This is particularly important if you are feeling anxious, angry or stressed out by a difficult situation.

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Think about the conflict and how you want to show up

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Do not view the conflict as a contest you are trying to win
Remain flexible - there are solutions yet to be discovered.
Distinguish the people from the problem
Determine underlying needs
Identify areas of common ground
Plan to ask questions to understand their perspective

THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS

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Speak for yourself
Own your feelings or needs
Use words wisely
Practice in non-stressful times

I-Statement—Talk It Out WHITNEY…

I feel when you .
I wish you could/Can you please ?
Express how you feel and specifically name the action or words that made you feel that way. Make a request for change in a kind way.

One tool for talking it out is using an I-Statement, where you start by saying how you feel because of the person’s actions. For example, the woman in the movie could have said, “I felt upset when you ate my cookie. Can you please stop eating my cookies?”
What could have happened if the woman used an I-Statement?

I-Statements take practice. This can be a new way for us to communicate. Typically our go-to is to call out what the other person has done to “wrong”us. But when we try to resolve conflict with a You-statement, this can create a natural defensiveness. While someone may have hurt our feelings, we can’t control others. We can only control how we showup.
SLIDE for Aggressive and Assertive Communication

NEW SLIDE: When we are working to resolve conflict, our tone of voice matters. Even if we are saying the right words, but we use the wrong tone, it can hinder our message being heard.

If we are going to talk it out, we must first consider our tone of voice.

Ex. You made me so mad when you did _______! You are ______(name calling). This is aggressive communication. We saw this play out in the video.

When we use I-statements we are only speaking for ourselves. We are owning our feelings, our needs, and owning the part we may have played. When we talk over others, refuse to listen, speak in an angry tone or demonstrate tense body language, this is not going to help the situation. Even if we try to use an i-statement, but we have tense body language or language, our message and words might be misinterpreted! Our words matter, and we need to be mindful…even in tense moments.

WHITNEY ASK FOR VOLUNTEER? Give a sentence and have them use assertive language and then aggressive language. Laugh at the difference!! WHAT SENTENCE???

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I felt ____ when you ____.

Can you please ____?

Next time can you ____?

I-STATEMENT

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Aggressive vs. Assertive Communication

When we are working to resolve conflict, our tone of voice matters. Even if we are saying the right words, but we use the wrong tone, it can hinder our message being heard.

If we are going to talk it out, we must first consider our tone of voice.

Ex. You made me so mad when you did _______! You are ______(name calling). This is aggressive communication. We saw this play out in the video.

When we use I-statements we are only speaking for ourselves. We are owning our feelings, our needs, and owning the part we may have played. When we talk over others, refuse to listen, speak in an angry tone or demonstrate tense body language, this is not going to help the situation. Even if we try to use an i-statement, but we have tense body language or language, our message and words might be misinterpreted! Our words matter, and we need to be mindful…even in tense moments.

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Assertive vs Aggressive Communication

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We can control how we respond and how we show up for ourselves and for others

Now that we’ve stopped and thought about how we feel, we’ve use i-statements, now it’s time to choose a solution. We’ve been able to turn off our fight/flight/freeze mode, and we can think logically about solutions. What are some common tensions we may have experience as adults/educators?

Maybe you’ve experienced….

Collaboration Challenges: You are collaborating with your colleagues on lesson planning, curriculum development or implementing new teaching strategies. Among the group, there are differing opinions on the best approaches. How can you Talk It Out?

Parent-Teacher Disagreements: This can be a real challenge. You have a challenging parent-teacher conference where you and the parents have different opinions about their students’ performance, disciplinary actions, or they have different expectations for their child’s education. How can you Talk It Out?

Work-Life Balance: You are called to be an educator, but the reality is educators carry a lot of weight–no matter what role you play in the school. You might feel stretched and experience conflict between your professional responsibilities and your personal obligations. We know this can result in stress, burnout, and tension in the workplace. How can you Talk It Out?

Team Dynamics: Working in a school requires collaboration and teamwork, but we are all humans with our own ideas, interests, personalities, and stories. Tensions may arise within teaching teams or departments due to differences in teaching styles, communication breakdowns, or conflicting priorities. If you experience this, how can you Talk It Out?

Administrative Decisions: As a professional, you might have differing opinions about policies and procedures or administrative decisions. You respect your administration, but you feel the tension rising as you are not in favor of recent changes that have been put in place. You have a good relationship with your administration, so you decided to set a meeting and have a conversation. How do you Talk It Out?

Student Disputes: We know helping students navigate conflict is commonplace in schools. Conflicts may range from incidents like disagreements over group work, bullying behaviors, social media behaviors, unkindness, or arguments during recess. We know that strong instruction can’t happen when our students are distracted by tension between their peers. You have probably found yourself in the role of a conflict mediator. How do you help students Talk It Out?

So you choose a solution: Maybe you need to take a break, use an i-statement, talk to a trusted friend to confide in, ask for help, compromise, go for a run to blow off some steam, what solution will help bring you closer to resolve?

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Practice forgiveness (ask & extend)
Commit to working through tension
Be assertive not aggressive

KEEP MOVING FORWARD…

Read the Key Verse Colossians 3:13 again: “Bear with each other and
forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
When you have resolved the conflict, you both need to make the decision to move on and move forward. Practice forgiveness, and don’t hold a grudge…easier said than done, I know! Our relationships are worth it though to commit to working through tension and to move towards a place of peace, understanding and forgiveness. While getting to this point may take work and effort, I find many times our relationships are even more strengthened once we’ve put in this work.

“BEAR WITH EACH OTHER AND

FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER IF ANY

OF YOU HAS A GRIEVANCE

AGAINST SOMEONE. FORGIVE AS

THE LORD FORGAVE YOU.”

COLOSSIANS 3:13

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COLOSSIANS 3:13

.

BEAR WITH EACH OTHER AND

FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER IF ANY

OF YOU HAS A GRIEVANCE

AGAINST SOMEONE. FORGIVE AS

THE LORD FORGAVE YOU.

Key Verse

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Dear Lord,

We thank you for the gift of friendship. Thank you for giving us the strength and courage to work through our problem. We ask you to be with us as we move forward with peace and understanding. Help us as we practice forgiveness. We ask that you bless our friendship. May we show kindness and love towards each other always. In Jesus’s Name.

Amen.

The Peace Cross

I feel ____ when you ____. Can you please ____?

Next time can you ____?

If you like this idea of STICK and in particular teaching the communication skills necessary to walk through conflict to your students, I want to take this a step further. In my time working at Overbrook Catholic School in Nashville, I worked closely with Sister Grace Mary who taught 2nd grade. She loved the work I was doing with conflict resolution, and she added an extra faith component to it that I just loved called the peace cross.

There is a proactive and faith based strategy that was part of the classroom routine…Explain how it works.

For Parents: This was introduced at the back to school night to let parents know there was a protocol for students to problem solve and work through conflicts. Parents loved knowing there was a protocol in place–it created a safe classroom where relationships were valued and tension was worked through in healthy ways. Students used this all the time, and it worked!

Working through conflict can be hard, but God is with us to give us strength and courage as we work through it. One way we can remember God is with us is to hold a Cross between us as we resolve our problems to remind us of His presence. This is called the Peace Cross. As we Talk It Out using an I-Statement, the person talking can hold the Cross. When it’s the other friend’s turn, they hold the Cross. This can prevent students from talking over each other and help them to focus on listening. Once students move to the point of forgiveness and moving forward, say a quick prayer together:

Praying together can be a beautiful way for students to feel reconnected in a more positive way and signifies that the conflict has been resolved.

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Resources

Sample Unit

L anding Page

We create safe school environments when we STICK to the basics. These skills are for us first and then for our students.

OPEN LINK TO SHOW LANDING PAGE: Here is where you can find the tools you need to practically teach these skills to your students. Whitney and I are avaialbe for coaching sessions to help you launch a months worth of teaching conflict skills to your students.

A safe climate does not occur magically—rather, it must be cultivated through deliberate school-wide strategies, norms, expectations, and rules. A safe and supportive school culture includes proactively equipping us as educators and our students in how to work through challenges From classroom skirmishes and text message tiffs to playground problems and lunchroom squabbles, conflict is a part of life. The good news is that navigating tension is not only teachable, but it creates a richness and depth to relationships; God hardwired us to weather the tough stuff! Teaching conflict resolution skills can empower students to be their own problem-solvers, and it can reduce incidents of unkindness, bullying, discipline referrals, violence, and more. Join us as we discuss how we can help students to learn healthy communication skills, problem-solving strategies, and the importance of forgiveness. Together, we can help students learn to talk it out.

Feeling safe and valued is vital to a child’s development. Learning suffers when students fear for their safety, worry about conflict, or don’t sense their teachers have high expectations for their success. In a healthy, supportive climate, students are engaged and take intellectual risks. They follow well-established rules and norms for behavior that their teachers and school leaders model and maintain. Such a community is characterized by positive relationships between teachers and students, a place where genuine respect is the norm, and where all students feel they belong.

The same is true for adults—both the teachers and families who make up a school community. In a nurturing culture, educators and family members share candid exchanges based on mutual interests and respect.

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Please take a few minutes to complete this feedback form Diocese of San Diego

https://bit.ly/4gEUehD

Professional Learning Day Feedback

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What resonated with you?
What was a helpful idea?
How is this relevant for your students?

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WHITNEY: This is a tool I often used this tool in my practice with students to help them understand the steps towards solving conflicts in a way that’s healthy and productive. Explicitly teaching conflict resolution strategies is a proactive way for us to cultivate safe spaces in our school buildings. Teaching conflict resolution skills also builds self-confidence and self-efficacy skills as students realize they can be their own problem solvers! These skills are teachable, and the truth is many of us as adults may not have had the opportunity to learn these skills ourselves. Students are looking at the adults in their lives to learn how they should navigate the world around them. We want to show students that conflicts can be solved, relationships can remain intact, and that having tension doesn’t mean our reaction should be violent or unkind but that we can lean into tension with vulnerability, honesty, care, and compassion…and move to a place of forgiveness.. Students don’t have the best example these days when they turn on the tv and see adults in the midst of tension…not exactly the best example sometimes on how to deal with conflict. But when we look at Scripture.

Conflict is an inevitable part of life. We may have conflicts with our family, our friends, colleagues, or even strangers who cut us off in traffic! God created us all with our own unique ideas and interests, so disagreements are bound to happen. That said, as we think about practicing our faith in action when it comes to conflict, God shows us this so clearly in the Gospel of Matthew. As we dig into this idea of STICKing with the Basics when it comes to navigating conflict, I want to use this passage as a framework for us.

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What is notable about what Matthew says in this verse?

Think back to the conflict you remembered earlier. How could this verse help you remember the value of talking it out?

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Emotional Regulation Defined

“Emotional regulation refers to the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feelings. Emotional regulation can be automatic or controlled, conscious or unconscious, and may have effects at one or more points in the emotion producing process.”

(Gross, 1998, p. 275).

Stimuli Pause Identify Feelings React

The definition of emotional regulation encompasses both positive and negative feelings, along with how we can strengthen them, use them, and control them.

Emotional regulation involves three components:

Initiating actions triggered by emotions.
Inhibiting actions triggered by emotions.
Modulating responses triggered by emotions.

Ideally, the third component is the best way to make the most of the regulatory processes.

Every day, we face hundreds of emotion-provoking stimuli, and most of them require some action or response from our end. It is only natural for the mind to get hooked into some negative contemplation or unmindfully ignore emotions after getting bombarded with so many stimuli every day (Davidson, 1998).

Studies on emotional regulation indicate that there is a significant positive correlation between emotion regulation and depression management. People with lower levels of anxiety show higher emotional control and social-emotional intelligence.

The way we feel and interpret them affects how we think, how we decide, and how we coordinate our actions in day-to-day lives.

When we confront a provoking stimulus, the natural reaction of the brain is to activate the amygdala, a brain site that regulates the fight-or-flight responses (Lee, 2018; Van der Kolk, 1994). Emotional regulation processes allow us to buy time before we act on the fight or flight triggers.

The increased time gap between stimulus and response restores the mental faculties that involve rational thinking and reasoning. As a result, we can save ourselves from sudden emotional breakdowns or burnout.

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Matthew 26:31-35

Then Jesus told them, “This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written: ‘I will strike the shepherd and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’ But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.” Peter replied, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.” “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” But Peter declared, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the other disciples said the same.

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Now Peter was sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl came to him. “You also were with Jesus of Galilee,” she said. But he denied it before them all. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. Then he went out to the gateway, where another servant girl saw him and said to the people there, “This fellow was with Jesus of Nazareth.”

He denied it again, with an oath: “I don’t know the man!”

Matthew 26:31-35

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After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, “Surely you are one of them; your accent gives you away.”

Then he began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know the man!”

Immediately a rooster crowed. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: “Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Matthew 26:31-35

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Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Matthew 28: 16-20

PARAPHRASE:

What resonates with me about this passage is we see Jesus go the disciples, go to Peter and share what He knows is about to happen–that he will deny Him 3 times. He goes to his dear friend to try to prevent this from happening–to alert him of his upcoming pitfall. As we know, fear gets the best of Peter and he finds himself doing just that.

Likely we’ve all found ourselves in situations where we may say or do something out of fear or worry about what others might think, or say–and we can end up hurting others. We know Peter felt great sorrow when he realized what he did.

In Matthew 28, Jesus has risen from the dead, and the disciples go to Galilee as Jesus told them to. Jesus shows us forgiveness in action as He gathers the eleven disciples together (including Peter!) and commissions them all to continue to spread the Word of God with all people and reminds them that He will be with them always. What a powerful image of forgiveness and unconditional love! As Christians, we are called to live according to God’s will, but sometimes we may fall short. But because of the Crucifixion, our sins are forgiven. Now this doesn’t mean we should go around being unkind to others because we know Jesus will forgive us! Rather we have a God who loves us as we are and who died for us. He shows us grace and mercy because as humans, we will mess up!

I want us to remember this example of how we can handle conflict in a Biblical way as Jesus showed us. If we see a conflict coming, go directly to that friend of ours and say, “Friend, it feels like we might have a problem heading our way! I care about you, so let’s talk it out so we can prevent feelings from being hurt.” And you know what? If our friends do make mistakes, let us remember that we have a God who shows us the greatest example of what it looks like to love and forgive. How blessed are we to have such a Savior!

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Stop before you blow it. Pause. Think before you act.