Dublin Community Mediation
Whitechurch Library Building,
Taylor’s Lane, Rathfarnham, Dublin 16, D16 PN53.
Tel: 01 4515910 / 089 9633170
Email: info@dcmhelp.ie
Ballymun Community Law Centre CLG
T: + 353 (0) 1 862 5805
Pat Lynch
Mediation4U@gmail.com
PPN SUMMER SCHOOL
Mediation
Conflict Coaching
Handling Difficult Conversations
INTRODUCTION
Pat Lynch
Certified Mediator and Conflict Coach
@
DCM and BCLC
THIS EVENINGS AGENDA
Introduction
Mediation Awareness and Process
Conflict Coaching Awareness and Process
Thoughts When Handling Difficult Conversations
Q&A
MEDIATION
Process of bringing two or more parties together in a safe and confidential environment
to assist in a resolution of the difficulties between them.
The mediator is an impartial participant whose conduct is governed by the Mediation Act
There are normally 2 private meeting before the parties get into joint session (if the difficulties are mediatable)
Issues can be resolved in 1 or more joint sessions, determined by the willingness of the parties to work together and/or the number of issues between them.
Either party can withdraw from the mediation at any time.
CONFLICT COACHING
I would be confident that we are all going to experience conflict at some
stage of our lives.
This conflict can manifest itself in many ways and sometimes its difficult to
solve it on you own.
Conflict Coaching can help in many ways.
It can help in preparing you for Mediation.
It can help in preparing you for a difficult conversation that you want
to have.
If you are the type of person who is easily triggered or reacts negatively
on conversation it can help you identify and control you triggers.
The process is one on one coaching where the difficulties being
experienced in conversation can be identified, solutions found and
preparation for difficult conversations going forward established.
HANDLING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Think about the powerful impact within these four simple phrases:
Difficult conversations – putting it all together
Creating a learning conversation
What is/ are your purposes? Do they make sense?
- some useful purposes
If you decide to go ahead with a conversation - remember
Difficult conversations – putting it all together
Some liberating assumptions
If you decide to raise the issues what kind of attitude or meta-skill would be helpful towards achieving your purposes?
Intractability: longstanding history/suffering, exhausted efforts to solve, unable to put baggage from past aside
Taboo: too sensitive to mention/ un-discussable without major blow-up
Threat: fear of critical attack/ harassment re. behaviour, competence, judgement
Aggression: oppressive/ intimidating manner of criticism, disdainful/ dismissive responses, etc.
Evasion: of issue, discussion, accountability using socially acceptable techniques
Subversion: efforts to derail, disrupt to avoid difficulties
Incompetence: limited self-awareness, sensitivity to others, processing and communication skills
Difficult conversations – putting it all together
What makes conversations difficult?
Lack of awareness of self/another/ context
Poor role/boundary/relationship management
Getting triggered/ low emotional intelligence
Focus on blame Vs impact
Unhelpful assumptions
One-sidedness
Misuse of rank/ position/power
Poor understanding/ handling of conflict dynamics
Difficult or Learning conversations
Many conversations are thinly veiled attempts to persuade or coerce others to agree with our view of reality.
How can we raise sensitive or difficult issues in a way that is acceptable to all parties?
How do we make the un-discussable discussable?
How do we get the job done and maintain healthy relationships?
Really 4 simultaneous conversations:
Issue/story:
what happened?
identity:
what’s at stake &
what’s at risk
feeling:
how are we
handling emotions?
power:
how are we
handling our power?
The ‘issue/ story’ conversation
truth:
what happened?
Arguing about who is right / �telling the truth
From
To
Exploring each other’s stories:
+ what is important
+ perceptions and interpretations of events�+ how they reach their conclusions
Assuming they meant it
Separating intent from impact
Recognising complex, multiple
intentions
Blaming and judging
Mapping contribution system
Giving problem-solver Vs. defender role
Perceptual positions and framing
It’s a triangle!
No it’s a square!!
No it’s a rectangle!!!
The ‘identity conversation� what’s at risk/at stake ?
What are we
identified with
and protecting?
from:
to:
protecting self image
expanding and “complexifying” your identity
self rejection and self criticism
building self esteem and confidence
losing your balance
regaining your balance
Triggers/ Protective Responses
The ‘feelings’ conversation
How are we �handling �our emotions?
“letting ‘em have it”, avoiding/
passive aggression
Owning, understanding, expressing emotions
language of alienation/
labeling
Language of compassion/ empathy
strength of feeling
Clarifying needs, interests and values
impulsive reaction
Inquiry and considered requests
Why are Feelings important in conflict?
We often suppress feelings or explode or both rather than welcome and unfold their meaning
Feelings: our emotional dashboard
Emotions are signals – meaningful messages
Our own needs, values, beliefs and expectations create out emotions not the actions of others!
Uncovering needs in conversation
Positions:
Interests:
Needs:
-what we must have
-what we really want
-what we say we want
Taking the heat out of conflict �Rosenberg Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
Then wait for response in silence!
The “Power” conversation�Rank, power & our relationship
How are we using
our powers?
power balance/imbalance based on multiple sources of power
from:
to:
power struggles & unconscious use of power
power balancing & aware/ uplifting use of rank and power
coercion & powerlessness
choice & power-sharing
dependence/ independence
interdependence
The nature of power
Our power
– is often outside our awareness
– is often gifted as well as gained
– stems from sources we can access /over which we have control
– enables us to influence people and make things happen
– is relative and shifts constantly
– is more visible to those with less power
Rank is complex
Rank and rankism in action
Difficult Conversations
Key aspects of our thinking that influence how we handle difficult conversations� (Clark & Myers)
Why learning rather than resolution?
Negative emotions alert us ……
Forms of speech: Advocacy and Inquiry
Links that may be helpful to committees