What accountability is not …
But if that is what it’s not … then what in the world is it?
Source: (Jessica Harris) https://beggarsdaughter.com/the-mistake-accountability/
Session 3: Build and Activate Your Support Team
Mark Kesler
180 Ministries
Take Your Next Step
The “First Things” in Your 180 Recovery Journey
(1) Commit to a 180 group and use FASTT check-ins.
(2) Practice the Seven Prayers for Purity
(3) Enlist for yourself 2 support partners.
(4) Complete a 90-in-90 to get through withdrawal.
(5) Write out your sexual sin history and share it with a trusted listener.
(6) Immerse yourself in God’s acceptance, forgiveness, and grace.
(7) Clarify what “sober” means for you by creating your 3-Circles.
(8) Create and start using your first 30- or 7-Day plan.
(9) Write out your boundaries (and discuss with spouse)
(10) Learn and use your “Stopwatch acting out cycle”
(11) Learn how to do an effective fall (relapse) debrief.
(12) Learn how temptation works and how to defeat it.
“More coffee?” the server asked with a click of her blue pen. The sound snapped Tyler back to reality.
“Yeah, sure. That’d be great.”
Looking up from his mug Tyler saw James walk past the window and come through the front door. Tyler waived briefly to get James’ attention as he thought to himself, “It WAS just a text. Nothing happened, right?”
It was during vacation a few months ago that Tyler’s wife discovered the messages to numbers she did not recognize. The messages were from different numbers. Much of the conversation was sexually explicit. A woman had been sharing pictures. Though Tyler had not met any of these women in person, one was suggesting they could arrange to meet. This led to the discovery of Tyler’s porn habit. The vacation quickly turned painful and unpleasant.
Story Page 1
The Good Week
By Mark Kesler
180 Ministries
Soon after, Tyler found himself staring tearfully at the carpet in his pastor’s office looking for answers. He could lose his wife and family if he didn't do something. But what to do? Tyler’s pastor recommended that he find a guy in the church's men’s group who could hold him accountable, so he could make some changes and get rid of this problem. Tyler approached James, a guy he knew who seemed like someone who really had things together. After the two talked briefly James said yes, that he was willing to be Tyler’s accountability partner. They agreed to meet each week on Fridays for breakfast.
For the first month or so everything was great. Tyler was doing well and was finding it easy to move ahead. If temptations to look at porn entered his mind, he easily squelched them. He wasn’t thinking at all about talking more with those women. Heck, he deleted that app from his phone and was really glad now to have the help that James was giving him.
Story Page 2
That next Friday, Tyler met James for their now usual breakfast sessions, but they hadn’t met or connected for a few weeks other than seeing each other at church. Tyler was feeling a bit uncomfortable. What should he say? After all, had anything bad really happened? He hadn’t received a message back from the number. He hadn’t really meant to send it anyway, had he? Maybe he should just drop it.
Story Page 3
“Yep, accountability WAS the thing I lacked,” thought Tyler who was glad to demonstrate to his wife he was taking action. Even though the stress levels and anxiety over his work and his marriage were increasing, it seemed to Tyler that he was handling it just fine. Tyler was traveling for work and something caught his attention on the TV in the hotel at night. It was just a commercial, but something about it reminded him of the exchanges he had had months ago with those women. And he remembered the pictures. Fortunately he had long since deleted them.
But before Tyler was fully aware of what he was doing, he dug out a phone number for one of the women in that group and sent a text. “Man, what in the world am I doing?” Tyler thought. And then he was afraid, and he shut everything down and went for a walk.
But still, there was something unsettling about how he felt on that trip. It was as if there was a tractor beam pulling on Tyler’s brain when he least wanted that. Should he tell James? Could he tell James? What would James say? What would James think of him? Tyler felt ashamed.
James asked casually, “So, Tyler, great to see you. It’s been awhile. Are you doing well?” Tyler dumped sugar in his coffee and took a sip. “Yeah, uh yeah”, he said, “Things have been busy, you know. But I’m good.” James was preoccupied scanning the menu. Tyler squirmed a bit and shuffled his feet.
“Oh, that’s great to hear, Tyler,” James said as he perused the menu specials.
“Yeah, it’s been a good week,” said Tyler hesitantly as the server walked away with their orders, “Nothing so far that I can’t handle.”
Reflect and Discuss:
Story Page 4
Accountability vs Support
Accountability
“We join accountability groups, or partnerships, when we’re guilted into admitting we should change our life. So we begrudgingly join the group (or partnership). But it feels like going to the dentist. We don’t want to go, we know it’ll hurt, but we know it’s good for us. It’s certainly no fun, and if we could rationalize a way out of it, we would. The motivation is imposed, or guilted, upon us by the rest of the group.”
Support
“But in a support group (or partnership), we bring the motivation. There is something in our life that we actually, truly want to change. Or it’s a goal we’re passionate about achieving. But we know we can’t do it ourselves because we’ve been trying and it’s not working. So we ask trusted people in our life for help. We come into support situations grateful for the help, not dreading the “help” of accountability.”
Source: Dave Wernli, see https://identityinwholeness.com/why-you-need-support-not-accountability/
If I believe: | PORN is my PROBLEM | PORN is my current SOLUTION to my problem(s) |
Then my focus in recovery is on: | “Stopping the bad” Lack of Willpower and Self-Control “Sin Management” | “Starting the new” Learning better skills, habits, and tools. |
Then to avoid relapse I focus mostly on: | More Accountability | More Connection (More Support) |
Then the responsibility is on: | Someone (or something) else outside of me is responsible. | Me (with the help of the Holy Spirit and Others) |
And the result I get is likely: | More Isolation, Hiding, Guilt, Shame, Fear | More Transparency, Learning, Change, Growth |
20% of recovery is
not looking at porn
80% of recovery is
Learning better skills, habits and tools.
Accountability without ownership and support fails every time!
Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 (NLT)
I observed yet another example of something meaningless under the sun. This is the case of a man who is all alone, without a child or a brother, yet who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, “Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?” It is all so meaningless and depressing.
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
My next step is to get two support partners
1) Take responsibility for your own success or failure.
2) Clearly define the goals for the accountability partnership.
3) Come up with a plan for your accountability meetings.
4) Be ready to go deep with conversation.
Be sure to read: https://www..com/blog/accountability-partner/ and some great examples of questions are here: https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/covenanteyes5-questions-i-wish-my-accountability-partner-would-ask-me/
My next step is to REBOOT my support relationships
Don’t skip meeting/connecting with your support partners
Don’t let “attending a group meeting” to become your substitute for connecting with support partners
Person 1: “Did you complete your to-do list this week?”
Person 2: “No.”
Person 1: “Did you do ____ unwanted behavior last week?”
Person 2: “Yes.”
Person 1: “OK, better luck next time.”
Be sure to read: https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/accountability-partner/
(1 of 2)
My next step is to REBOOT my support relationships.
3) Beware of goals that are too general
4) Accountability partner acts more like the police than a friend
Be sure to read: https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/accountability-partner/
(2 of 2)
My next step is to become a better support partner
If you are serving as a support partner, practice using the four GROW questions as a way to help them take ownership:
Resources
During the coming week, make time to read these articles to stretch and deepen your thinking about accountability and support:
Based on these articles, what is one thing that is going really well in your use of support partners and one thing that needs to improve?
The Extra Bits
The Six Basic Human Needs
A major part of recovery is learning to take responsibility for your own needs and learning how to recognize and meet these needs for yourself and others in much healthier ways.
Becoming an Owner not a Victim
When we say:
What are we talking about?
We are not saying you are responsible to meet all your own needs. No human can do that. But it DOES mean knowing what your needs are and learning how to take positive, healthy action.
Example: Traveling for work
Engage your support team about YOUR accountability these areas.
This is the TRUE help you need!
Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 (MSG)
I turned my head and saw yet another wisp of smoke on its way to nothingness: a solitary person, completely alone—no children, no family, no friends—yet working obsessively late into the night, compulsively greedy for more and more, never bothering to ask, “Why am I working like a dog, never having any fun? And who cares?” More smoke. A bad business.
It’s better to have a partner than go it alone.�Share the work, share the wealth.�And if one falls down, the other helps,�But if there’s no one to help, tough!
Two in a bed warm each other.�Alone, you shiver all night.
By yourself you’re unprotected.�With a friend you can face the worst.�Can you round up a third?�A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.
Read (or listen) to the story “The Good Week”
You can find the handout and the story HERE
Reflect and Discuss:
Think about where you are now. Is your current experience with “accountability” similar to or different from Tyler’s?