Dealing with Rejections

Utahloy International School Guangzhou College Counseling

Developed in Collaboration with UISG Social Emotional Counseling

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For any questions or suggestions: contact Yein Oh

yoh@uisgz.org, yeinoh.ed@gmail.com

Realities of Admissions..

“We could have admitted five or six classes to Princeton from the [applicant] pool.”

Janet Rapelye, former dean of admissions at Princeton

So when you receive a letter that starts with…

… we regret to inform you

First, deep breath!

Box�Breathing technique

(repeat for 4 cycles)

Now, what are the feelings and thoughts that come to your mind?

Why does rejection hurt so much? 🤔

• “The answer is — our brains are wired to respond that way. When scientists placed people in functional MRI machines and asked them to recall a recent rejection, they discovered something amazing. The same areas of our brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. That’s why even small rejections hurt more than we think they should, because they elicit literal (albeit, emotional) pain.” - NPR
• Source

Maybe, you will go through the 5 stages of grief

• (Grieving the possibility that you wanted)
• Keep in mind, the stages are not linear!

What can I do to process the rejection?

Here are some unhelpful ways you may react — and then healthy suggestions to cope

I am having a lot of negative thoughts about my competence and self-worth

Detach rejection from your competence &

your self-worth

• You are not a failure! You are still a competent person
• Do not start going through an exhaustive search for your own deficiencies and weaknesses.
• List your strengths and traits that you will ALWAYS have
• What would you tell a friend who just faced a rejection? (Would you tell them what you would say to yourself?)

I am preoccupied with the reasons why I am not accepted

Stop trying to understand the reasons behind the rejection

• Yes, you might have not been qualified.
• But also, you might have been very qualified!

→ You will likely never know. Such is the nature of admissions

→ It is helpful to reach a mindset where the reasons do not matter. Is that possible?

• Keep in mind, there are many other external factors beyond your control involved in admissions completely beyond your control.

I feel a storm of negative emotions

Name and accept your emotions

• Difficult feelings will naturally arise them may be helpful
• There may be many feelings at once, so take a look at the feeling wheel
• And then, accept them (I.e. don’t judge them but observe them in a non-judgmental way)
• Keep in mind, you are not your emotions
• Not “I am sad” but “I am feeling sadness”

I’m worried about a lot of things

Process your worries

• If feelings are the affective/emotional part, then worries are the cognitive aspect
• List all the worries
• E.g. “My parents may say…”
• E.g. “My teachers may be disappointed..”
• What the underlying expectations / assumption behind the thoughts, that might be irrational?
• E.g. You expect your parents and teachers to think of you as perfect
• E.g. You expect that you should be perfect
• E.g. this will ruin your life
• https://psychcentral.com/health/tips-to-help-stop-ruminating

I don’t know how to cope

Find your unique coping mechanism

Everyone has their own coping style - what’s yours?

• 101 coping skills: https://anxietyhelpbox.com/101-fun-coping-skills-poster/

Although this may be your first rejection, this probably wasn’t the first time you felt such negative emotions. What has worked before?

• How does your unique strengths help you with coping?
• Not all coping methods are helpful. What might they be?

My plans for my future are ruined

Focus on the solution

• You are capable of making NEW plans
• What concrete steps can / should you take?

Examples

• Possibly reaching out to university to understand the situation (for US and UK universities)
• Apply to plan B, C, D (universities with later deadlines, Clearing for UK)
• Retake exams (partially or fully)
• Gap year & apply next year

Talk with your college counsellor to strategize

My self-confidence and self-esteem took a big toll

Think about your strengths to regain self-confidence & self-esteem.

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But even better, try self-compassion!

How do I practice self-compassion?

Repeat after me

After the pain has subsided, evaluate:

What does university mean to you?

• The university that has rejected you is just one door out of many that you knocked on.
• There are so many more out there!
• University may impact your success, but does not determine it
• What is your vision of success and how does university contribute to it?

After the pain has subsided, evaluate:

How did you envision success?

• Success and development are never linear
• It’s totally okay to drop out / get rejected / take a gap year / take a detour / rest → life will not collapse around you!

A final note

During her doctoral dissertation defense, Caitlin Kirby wore a skirt she made out of 17 rejection letters she collected during her studies

A final note

• What does a rejection mean?
• It signals that you took the courage to attempt something.
• And that alone is worth applauding for 👏
• A rejection is simply another stepping stone in your journey forward

“What makes you strong is not that you're always successful, it's about you being resilient in the face of failure.”

We know that people are often defined as sharply by setbacks, and by their responses to them, as by getting what they want when they want it, including a “yes” from Yale or a welcome from the University of Chicago. One of the most potentially meaningful aspects of the college admissions process is, in fact, rejection. And that’s partly because college is, or should be, disruptive. It’s about becoming a new person, not letting the ink dry on who, at seventeen or eighteen, you already are. In that sense defeat can be a springboard. And figuring out how to rebound from disappointment is infinitely more beneficial than any diploma.

• Frank Bruni, Where You’ll Go is Not Who You’ll Be

The presentation / content was created by Yein Oh (currently the college counsellor at Utahloy International School Guangzhou).

If you have questions or feedback, please contact her at yeinoh.ed@gmail.com

I hope you and your students have found this useful! :)