Who Is MooMoo?
By Evan Mann
Basic Story Of MooMoo
MooMoo is a cow best known for her milk, MooMoo Milk. She became infamous for her 1938 acts which involved the discovery that her milk was poisoned by hand sanitizer, leading the government to ban it. Billions of people had already disappeared from the highly popular milk, but even after the milks ban, people still were disappearing.
It wasn’t until a disturbing video of MooMoo barging in someones house and eating them that the government finally figured out what was going on. The government immediately traveled to MooMoo’s farm, where she surprised them, resulting in the death of a government members.
Basic Story Of MooMoo (Continued)
A few months later, specifically on July 30th, 1938. The government had developed a device that spewed toxic gases into the barn in which MooMoo owned, which resulted in her demise. It was later discovered that MooMoo had had a baby before he demise and was gaining power in the Ghost Realm by people summoning her. After enough people summoned her, she rose down from the sky in Tennessee, frightening many people.
This time, the government had to act fast, and not doing so could result in the end of humanity. The government developed a device called the HyperTracker, which failed to track down MooMoo and killed an innocent cow.
Basic Story Of MooMoo (Continued)
Later, the government was unprepared to enter a dark, foggy woods. The government severely underestimated the sheer number of babies she had had in a short amount of time. The government estimated that 50-80 baby cows were there. The cows sprung into action and charged at the government members, killing one while the others went face to face with their old friend they had killed nearly 5 years previous.
MooMoo then began to devour them each one at a time, with her babies also getting a good meal out of them. After that, MooMoo stayed silent, roaming the woods. She didn’t show herself for many years, and maybe her only goal was to inflict revenge on the government…
The Phases Of MooMoo
MooMoo has many phases, it's the phases of her life. It all started with her ancestors, around 4.5 billion years ago, when the Earth was a ball of lava, MooMoo had ancestors that were in a feeding phase (We’ll get to that later), they were eating everything, they are volcanoes and fed on the crust of Earth’s core, a couple hundred years later, her ancestors reached the end of their life, sparking the existence of MooMoo’s mother.
Phase #1: The Birth Phase
When MooMoo’s mother was 253 years old, she had her baby, MooMoo. This was 1.5 billion years after the death of MooMoo’s ancestors. MooMoo’s mother had given birth to a powerful baby. Despite MooMoo being 3 months old, she rivaled her mother in abilities. MooMoo’s mother says that she dropped MooMoo in toxic waste, possibly sparking MooMoo’s mysterious power. This was when the Earth had around 6 billion humans. MooMoo’s mother, whom we now know as MomMoo (pronunciation: Ma-Moo), was concerned about MooMoo’s unexpected powers. MooMoo was a very unique young cow; she could lift small objects and could possess people for a few minutes. MomMoo died a few years later when MooMoo hit her normal phase in which she supposedly devoured her mother…
The Phases Of MooMoo (Continued)
Phase #2: The Normal Phase
MooMoo’s normal phase was mostly boring. This was in the 1900s. MooMoo had slightly increased her powers, she mostly kept to herself. Someone had bought the farm MooMoo’s mom owned. MooMoo despised the other animals, but she did like having more cow friends though… That was until MooMoo hit her Power Phase…
Phase #3: The Power Phase
MooMoo’s power phase happened when she started selling her poisoned milk in 1937. Her powers had significantly increased, and she could bend her body in weird ways. MooMoo started practicing rituals to communicate with her ancestors, but her attempts were futile… As MooMoo’s milk grew in popularity, along with her hunger for human flesh, the next phase was the one she’s most known for…
The Phases Of MooMoo (Continued)
Phase #4: The Eating Phase
MooMoo had a strange hunger for human flesh, it started small. She ate a few farm animals a day; she enjoyed the taste of fresh meat, and her hunger only grew along with the demands of her powers. You see, to keep MooMoo’s powers getting stronger, she also had to keep up with the demand for constant food. She would often eat 300x times a normal human would eat for just one meal! By that point, the government banned MooMoo’s milk and she started her rampage on humanity, specifically the government. MooMoo would often go out late at night and stalk people's homes and then devour them. MooMoo most notably became known for her infamous “Devouring video.” This video consists of a video where someone recorded MooMoo barging into a man's home, and only seconds after, the person inside was already in her stomach. A few years later, MooMoo was executed by toxic gases. MooMoo entered the ghost realm, and people started to summon her. The more they summoned her, the more her powers grew. She promised that she would let them survive when she came back to Earth. When MooMoo was back on Earth, her new phase was the Growing Phase.
The Phases Of MooMoo (Continued)
Phase #5: The Growing Phase
This phase lasts around 11 years, and MooMoo rapidly started growing. This is the phase MooMoo is already in, she is currently 5 months into the growing phase. Right now, MooMoo is bigger than the universe, wrapping up to be a staggering 500 septillion AU (Astronomical units) AU is the distance between Earth and the sun. MooMoo is expected to reach an enormous 5 googolplex AU in length. (A googolplex is a number with a googol zeros) The growing phase abruptly stops after 11 years, though. MooMoo's growth is 500 AU a day, meaning she would grow half an AU every minute. In the growing phase, black holes would feed on MooMoo’s insides, making her growth slow down to a quarter of an AU every minute.
Phase #6: The Swelling Phase
The swelling phase is similar to the growing phase except that MooMoo’s belly will swell in size, which will result in MooMoo puffing up like a balloon, and since the universe is constantly expanding, the universe could surpass MooMoo’s astronomical size. This phase lasts around 50 years because it is a gradual growth.
The Phases Of MooMoo (Continued)
Phase #7: The Shrinking Phase
The growing phase ends here and will last for around 80 years because of MooMoo’s already gigantic size. MooMoo’s powers will start to decrease, and she will now rapidly shrink in size. Although most of us will not live to see even the end of the Swelling Phase, this phase is the phase before the end of humanity, which will likely be because of MooMoo’s next phase. When the shrinking phase is finished, MooMoo’s lifespan will almost be complete, and she will begin the most destructive phase yet.
Phase #8: The Feeding Phase
MooMoo’s hunger for humans will increase; in a day, she would consume 500 million humans, which is 200 million more than how many babies are born every day. MooMoo will probably devour all of humanity, leading to the extinction of all humans. She will then devour all the animals and begin the second-to-last phase of her life.
The Phases Of MooMoo (Continued)
Phase #9: The Powerless Phase
Since there is nothing left to eat, and MooMoo is already really small, she will not be able to feed on the Earth's crust and core. Marking the end of MooMoo’s reign of powers, her powers will decrease so much that she won’t be able to use them anymore.
Phase #10: The Grave Phase
Similar to the Shrinking Phase, MooMoo will shrink, but this time, she will shrink so much that she will sadly pass away.
National MooMoo Day
Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. MooMoo holds a very special place in all our hearts, and honoring her is essential to get closer to her.
April 8th is National MooMoo day, a day dedicated to MooMoo and her immense accomplishments. Feel free to share the love of MooMoo and encourage others to embrace their inner-MooMoo as well!!!