Grief and the 12 Steps
September 17-October 1, 2022
I would like to get two volunteers to serve as co-hosts tonight
If those of you who haven’t done it yet could change your name to be your first name and where you are from like “Taury – Saudi Arabia”
Please keep your mic muted when not talking
All are encouraged to ask questions or if you have something you would like to add that would be great, but please try to keep it to 30 seconds or less and try to keep it to once per session in the interest of time and fairness
I will now turn off the chat – please remind me to start it again at the end of the session
All the files for the workshop are on the google drive that I sent you the link for including the recordings
Review
If people could send me a little review on what you liked, what you didn’t like, how the workshop went for you, how I could improve it that would be great. I always enjoy feedback
You can email me at smithstrat@gmail.com
Please hang out at the end so we can say goodbye to each other!
The next Design for Living that Really Works Big Book Step workshop starts next Saturday and will take place over 9 weeks starting at 10 AM Eastern time (9 Central, 8 Mountain, 7 Pacific time)
If you are interested, contact me and I will send you the information
Please let anyone you know who might be interested
Step 1 Review
Step 2 Review
Step 3 Review
Step 4 Review
Step 5 Review
Short Meditation
Set-Aside Prayer
God, please help me set aside everything I think I know about
myself and others, my disease, the twelve steps�and all spiritual terms - especially you God;
so that I may have an open mind and a
new experience with all these things.�Please help me see the Truth.
Amen.
Third Step Prayer
God, I offer myself to Thee –
To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. �Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. �Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness �to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.�May I do Thy will always!
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
P. 76. If we can answer to our satisfaction…to…we ask God to help us be willing.
Again, it is our own defects that are causing us to suffer. It is never the outside condition. Every X on your sheet is a defect of character and every one of them can be removed if you are willing to have it removed. These are the manifestations of self that were discussed in the fourth step that are blocking us from God. When these are removed, we experience the presence of God within and find that is what we have been looking for all along.
Fold over the top of the inventory sheet so the names are hidden. In the end, the names on our sheet are not really what are causing us to suffer. It is the fact that we have resentment, not what we are resentful about. It is the fact that we have fear, not what we are afraid of.
Without the names at the top, do you want any of these defects?
Marriage falling apart
Wife
Her friend 1
Her friend 2
X
X
X
X
X
Myself
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
S
S
S
X
X
X
X
X
X
Hurt the Children
What others will think
Letting go of what it could be
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
Leaving out my part
Hidden Behavior
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
Wife should be different
X
X
Truth about relationship
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
Stuck and will never get out
She will change any day now
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
My Daughter
My Son
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
When we focus on doing the work to identify and have these removed – not on getting our way with the people and things on our list – life gets dramatically better in a short time.
Are you willing to forgive the person you lost?
Are you willing to forgive your family and others that may be involved?
Are you willing to forgive yourself?
Forgiveness benefits the forgiver. It is not for the benefit of the one we hold a resentment toward. Forgiveness of ourselves and others is the path from self-will to God’s will, from bedevilments to promises, from alcoholism to a happy, joyous and free sobriety. Nothing will do more to bring about a felt experience of God and free us from self-created suffering.
Fear
Are you willing to let go of your fears?
Are you willing to trust infinite God rather than your finite self?
Are you willing to throw yourself into love and service when you are experiencing fear and to seek to be what God would have you be?
Are you willing to ask God for strength to do the right thing?
Acceptance
Are you willing to accept this loss?
Are you willing to accept the facts of the situation?
Are you willing to stop wishing for a better past?
Honesty
Are you willing to be honest with others in areas where you have been dishonest or have been putting up a false front?
Are you willing to let go of any beliefs you might have that are keeping you trapped as a prisoner in your own life?
Are you willing to let go of your negative stories about life?
Are you willing to let go of being a victim – to overcome your difficulties and use your experience to help others?
Are you willing to let go of any other defects of character that are blocking you from your Inner Resource - from God?
As an action for step 6, return to the moral inventory checklist. Go through everything you have written on your sheet and ask yourself: Am I willing to have this defect of character removed? If so, circle the X. Remember that we have said that we are willing to go to any lengths to have a spiritual experience. We must be willing to let go absolutely.
If you still have defects that you are not willing to have removed, discuss them with your sponsor. Pray each day for the willingness with a prayer something like this: God please help me be willing to turn over my _________(resentment, fear, etc.) to you.
If I choose to hold on to a resentment or a fear or any other defect, I am staying in self-will and choosing the bedevilments in my life – I will continue to struggle
When I turn my will over and choose to allow God to remove my defects of character and act from the asset side of the ledger, my spirit awakens, the Promises come into my life – I am free
This is how we turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand God
Step Seven - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings
P.76, second paragraph, When ready, we say something like this: “My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen.” We have now completed Step Seven.
We now have a choice. We can choose to ask God to remove our defects of character and for strength to act from the asset side of the ledger or we can hold on to our defects and continue to react from the liability side.
Do you see that you now have a choice?
Are you willing to have your defects removed so that you can be more useful to God and your fellows?
If you are ready to surrender to a loving God, to let go of your character defects, to let go of your story and start life anew please join in the seventh step prayer:
Seventh-Step Prayer
My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen.
If we want to do God’s will, the first thing we need to do is accept the situation exactly as it is. Most or all of our suffering comes from resistance (self-will). If you have resentment, ask for forgiveness and understanding. If you have fear, ask for courage, faith and love. If you have been dishonest, ask for the strength to be honest. Where you have suffered from self-delusion ask to see the Truth. If you have harmed others, ask for the strength to make it right with them.
This is how we turn our will and our life over to the care of God
As an action for Step 7, return to your self-will sheet we worked on in Step 3. In silent prayer, ask what God’s will is for you in this situation. Then write down anything that comes to mind. You can use the Inventory Checklist for ideas.
It could be something like: God’s will for me in dealing with this loss is to find acceptance, to forgive everyone involved including myself, to be honest and humble and unselfish, to stay in the present moment, to be helpful to others who also may be struggling, to not get lost in the bondage of self-created suffering today
Through this process we are letting go of the stories that we think define us and the people in our lives. We no longer need anything from anyone involved. We don’t need an apology, an explanation or to continue to work through our problems and wrestle with them. We are done with them. We only seek to do God’s will with these people from this day forward.
In Unison: Loving God within, I now let go of my negative stories about life. I am done with them. I now turn the page and start a bright new chapter where I take full responsibility for my life and seek only to do your will. My new story is one of love, forgiveness, abundance, service, peace and joy. Please direct my thoughts and actions and give me strength to do your will with all people concerned from this day forward.
As we are freed from our liabilities and we act from the assets in our lives – as we move from self-will to God’s will - our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. We begin life anew.
We now seek to leave the past behind, only using our experience to grow and help others. We can still love anyone we may we lost in the present.
Are you willing to leave the past behind and unshackle yourself from resentment, guilt, and resistance to what is?
We also seek only to do God’s will now and let the future unfold as it will and in this way, we are freed from the bondage of fear.
Are you willing to do God’s will now and let the future unfold as it will?
As we let go of the past and future we shift our focus into the present moment, which is the only place we can connect with our Higher Power.
Prayer: God, please help me let go of the past and future and keep my attention in the present moment where I can do your will and experience a felt connection with you and all people
Step 8 - Made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
P. 76. Now we need more action…to…probably there are some misgivings.
When should we start on making a list and making amends?
It is important to move directly from doing Steps 6 and 7 into making amends without delay. People who pause here invariably slide backward into the bedevilments. Try to start making amends immediately and continue at several per week until they are done.
Based on your experience, do you agree that faith without works is dead?
Can you see that your effort to run your life on self-will and run the show yourself has left a trail of debris?
Do you still have some misgivings about making amends?
Why might we not be willing to make amends?
For now, take out your inventory sheet and transfer the names of people you have harmed to the spaces on sheets provided (p.50 of guide or loose sheets).
Make a list of all people you have harmed in the first column and write the way you have harmed them in the second column.
You do not have to be willing to make amends to them in order to put them on the list. It’s just a list. Then in the third column write a yes for willing, a no for not willing or a maybe. If we are not willing that means we are really stuck on step 6 with those individuals. Pray for willingness. Leave “Are my motives good” column and date amends made blank for now.
If you have left someone off your list that you have a resentment toward, ask God to show you any way you may have harmed them. Commonly we get free of resentment when we make amends for our part in something – even if our part is small and just consists of holding a grudge or talking badly about the other person.
Have you forgiven or do you at least want to forgive everyone on your list?
The path to freedom is to completely forgive everyone for everything they have done and are currently doing, take 100% responsibility for our own actions and make amends where we have done harm to others. We then must forgive ourselves because continuing to beat ourselves up is just more self-centeredness.
Step 9- Made direct amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
We are out to amend our relationships with others which means more than just saying we are sorry. If we have harmed others, we must take responsibility for it, talk to the people involved and do what we can to make it right. The ninth step will free us from much of our longstanding fear and bring us closer to God by bringing us closer to others.
p. 76-77, Probably there are still some…to…talk of spiritual discoveries.
Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.
We are going to “fit ourselves” means that we are going to change. And we are going to change so that we can be of maximum service to God and others.
Are you willing to fit yourself to be of maximum service to God and others?
Do you have a sincere desire to right the wrong?
This means that we let go of how the person we are making the amends to might react - they do not need to forgive us, apologize for what they may have done, admit any wrong, praise us, reward us or do anything. We only want to set right any wrongs we have done.
Can you make this amends without trying to use it to manipulate others into some desired outcome for yourself?
If you can do the amends with good motives, then write yes in the column that asks Are my motives good? If you are not sure, discuss with a sponsor.
P.77. We don’t use this as an excuse…to…expressing our regret.
It has been true in many of our experiences that the amends we make where the other person has harmed us more than we have harmed them are the most beneficial to us. These difficult amends seem to bring the most relief and a strong feeling of connection to a Higher Power.
P.77-78. Under no condition…to…water over the dam
P.83, Yes there is a long period of reconstruction…to…not a theory, we have to live it.
Do you see that you must take the lead with your family?
Do you agree that simply saying you are sorry is not enough?
Are you prepared to frankly analyze the past with your family without criticizing them?
In Unison: God, please give me the strength to take the lead with my family. Please show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.
P.83. There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen—we send them an honest letter…We should be sensible, tactful considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet, we don’t crawl before anyone.
This writing gives helpful directions for making amends with those we have lost
Servile means subservient and scraping means excessive submissiveness.
This can be turned into a prayer: God help me be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping.”
More suggestions:
If you are balking at an amends, you are probably stuck on step 6 or 7. Once we have done these steps in earnest we almost feel “carried” through the amends by our Higher Power.
Try to make amends with all of the people on your list as soon as possible – but you may want to discuss some or all of them with your sponsor first
Honest Letter Amends
Start with the Seventh Step prayer. Write an honest amends letter to the person you have lost. This is not necessarily a letter to be sent to anyone still living.
P. 83-84. Ninth Step Promises, “If we are painstaking…to…if we work for them.”
These promises come when we get into Step Nine. The promises describe what it feels like to have a vital spiritual experience and to be tapping our once unsuspected Inner Resource.
Until we reach steps 6-9, we may have regretted the past and viewed our past only from a self-centered point of view – our loss, what happened to us, what people have done to us, how things affected us, what people might have thought about us, mistakes we have made, beating up on ourselves – judging ourselves and others
As we complete step 9 we let all that go – we forgive ourselves and others and no longer sit in judgment – we are freed from the bondage of the past - Instead we will seek to use our past experiences only to be helpful to others
Prayer: God, from this day forward, show me how I can use my past experiences to be helpful to others
Step 10 – Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
The tenth step is really a continuous practice of steps 1-9. Admit unmanageability, be willing to believe that our Inner Resource can restore us to sanity, make a decision, inventory, share, become willing to give it to God, turn it over and make amends where necessary. We do not need to wait for the end of the day – it can be done at any time.
P.85, It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble in we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.
Have you ever eased up on the program of action and found yourself backsliding into the “bondage of self?”
The bondage of self for grief might be where we are lost in a negative story about our lives we have developed since we experienced the loss
This is going to happen. All of us slip back into the bondage of self at times. High-stress situations, not being honest about what is going on inside of us, ceasing to pray meditate and help others, going to fewer meetings or none at all, being too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, anniversaries of the loss, other reminders of the loss, moments of existential despair, being sick or in pain, problems with sleep and just everyday mood changes can all lead back to the bondage of self. The feelings we have struggled with in grief may return. As we take our will back, things turn dark and old familiar feelings of resentment, fear and self-pity will return. It is not necessarily a failure on our part, it is just part of life as it is a rare individual who can remain mindful at all times.
If we find ourselves back in the bondage of self, it’s time for a tenth step and to do the work to move from self-will back to God’s will.
P.85. “Every day is the day we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. How can I best serve thee - Thy will not mine be done…We can exercise our willpower along these lines all we wish. It’s the proper use of the will.”
Step 11 – Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out
P.86. When we retire at night…to…corrective measures should be taken.
Doing a daily inventory will help us be mindful of where we are and what is going on inside of us. If we have drifted back into the bondage of self, this will help us catch it early
P.86. On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead to end of paragraph.
Morning Prayer: God please direct my thinking today. Please let it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
P.86-87, In thinking about our day we may face indecision…We come to rely upon it.
P.87. We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only.
The purpose of prayer is not to influence God, but to change the nature of the one who prays - Søren Kierkegaard
P.133. second line from top, We are sure God wants us to be happy joyous and free…to…demonstrate His omnipotence.
In the context of the AA program, when we talk about God’s will, we are not talking about God controlling everything that happens such as someone dying or getting sick. We use the term God’s will very specifically to describe how a loving, forgiving God would have us be – how God wants us to think and act in our lives.
God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. If we follow the program and do God’s will for us, that will be the result.
Step 12 – Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps
The purpose of the steps is to awaken our spirit - Do you feel as though your spirit has been awakened through this work? If not, keep at it, it works if you work it.
Spiritual awakening is moving from feeling “separate from” to feeling “part of.” It is moving from fear to love, from focusing on what we have lost to what we can add or what we can “pack into the stream of life.”
We Tried to Carry This Message to Alcoholics
Carrying this message is essential to keeping the promises in our lives. If we don’t carry this message, we will move backwards through the steps until our lives are again unmanageable. This message is the program laid out in the Big Book and our personal experience with the AA program of action.
P. 124. This painful past…to…can avert death and misery for them.
Our painful past may be of infinite value to other alcoholics still struggling with their problem. We think each alcoholic who has been relieved owes something to those who have not, and when the occasion requires, we should be only too willing to bring former mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their hiding places. Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have—the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.
Are you willing to put your loss and your experience with grief in God’s hands?
Are you willing to share your dark past if it can be helpful to help others?
In this way the program helps us put our greatest sources of grief to good use in helping others recover
p.89. Life will take on new meaning…to…is the bright spot of our lives.
A major loss can lead us to a place where it feels like life has no meaning. Using our experience to help others gives life new meaning.
Has working with someone else in this grief workshop helped you?
Practice These Principles in All Our Affairs
This means that in order to get and keep the promises in our lives we need to practice the principles of the AA program – or work the steps - in all aspects of our lives.
Make it the goal of each day to be kind to everyone you encounter - try to make their day a little better. It is amazing how much life changes when we make being kind and helpful and loving toward others our top priority.
P.102. (five lines from top of page): “Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it.”
Do not think of what you can get out of life, but what you can bring to it.
A Vision for You (P.164)
Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit and we will surely meet some of you as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
May God bless you and keep you--until then.
The next Design for Living that Really Works Big Book Step workshop starts next Saturday and will take place over 9 weeks starting at 10 AM Eastern time (9 Central, 8 Mountain, 7 Pacific time)
If you are interested, contact me and I will send you the information
Please let anyone you know who might be interested
End of Workshop-Thanks for coming!
Thank you to our co-hosts tonight who were ____.
If anyone has any comments about the workshop, things you liked, things you think could be improved, can you please either put them in the chat here or email me?
Thanks to all of those who contributed to the 7th tradition