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Compassionate Communication

Skills 101 – Module 1

Google Compassionate Communication Program

go/compassionate

compassionintech.com/skills-101.1-slides

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Compassionate Communication

Skills 101 – Module 1

Earl J. Wagner

e@compassionintech.com

Compassion In Tech

compassionintech.com/skills-101.1-slides

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We will start at 5 minutes after

How did you hear about this course?

What are you hoping to get out of it?

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Trainer Motivation:

Help participants start to feel comfortable in the course.

As with all sessions, begin at 5 minutes after the start time.

This gives people a chance to arrive and get settled.

They may be coming late from another meeting.

However, we don’t want to have the first 5 minutes silent.

Then the people who arrived on time may feel annoyed that they made the effort but have to wait for people who didn’t.

So we want to inspire a little FOMO and actually talk about stuff.

In later sessions we have an open Q&A for participants to ask about learning and practicing NVC.

Since we haven’t covered anything yet, just ask about these topics.

Trainer:

[When someone came for a particular reason, e.g. a difficult conversation or relationship:

Start by responding with an empathy guess.
Acknowledge the reason and translate it to the Comp Comm skills. Talk about which session we’ll cover it within.]

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Google Compassionate

Communication Facilitation Team

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Earl J. Wagner e@compassionintech.com	Omar Benjelloun	Thripthy Antony
Program Founder and Lead	Trainer	Trainer

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What to Expect

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Learn with practice

Advance through milestones

Achieve realistic expectations

Trainer:

Many Americans have a dream of visiting Paris, enjoying the cafes, and going to the Eiffel Tower.

Some take a single class in French then book their flight.

But that might not be wise.

Learning this approach is like learning a new language.

It can be very helpful with the situations you face, but to apply it effectively you have to learn with practice.

Other people have a dream of running a marathon.

So do you just sign up and show up on race day?

Again, this is a skill you develop over time.

You take on bigger challenges, build your capacity, and advance through milestones.

Finally, some people want to climb a mountain.

So do they take a rock-climbing class and then fly to the Himalayas?

Again, I want you to have realistic expectations about what you can accomplish with this.

We want to help you build up your skills over time so that at each point you can achieve realistic expectations.

Many people take a class like when they’re facing a extremely difficult situation

Some people want to use this for the difficult conversation they’ve been intending to have for years with their manager, their spouse, their child.

We can help you get to the point where you can address that situation

In fact, I want you to hold us to it.

By the end of the course, our assistants will be there to coach to you so you can make noticeable improvements to the situation.

But we want you to practice on the easy cases first.

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Course Commitments

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Support your breakout partners:

Contribute to the class & program:

OPTIONAL: Have camera on in lecture

OPTIONAL: Fill out homework forms

REQUIRED: Attend every session (join by :05)

REQUIRED: Understand each breakout activity

REQUIRED: Do breakouts with cameras on and private audio

REQUIRED: Hold what you hear in confidentiality

REQUIRED: Do every breakout activity and record participation

1) Mark exercise completed, 2) Click another cell to save

Trainer Motivation:

We require learners to do several actions, so we want to be clear about why we’re asking.

At the top level, we provide framing for all of these actions, then the needs for the actions, then the actions.

Even before presenting any of the points, be sure to provide the overall framing.

Then, for each requirement, explain the needs along with the requirement.

We have three motivations:

We want a great class experience, but we can only control the lectures, so we need your help to make the exercises work
As part of that, we require everyone to complete each exercise and session in order, so that everyone is prepared
And we want you to hold confidentiality, so everyone feels safe to share

Trainer:

As we say on the Grow page, this is a highly interactive course

Every session will have two breakouts, first is an icebreaker activity, then we teach you skills, then another breakout in which you practice the skills.

We want you to have a great experience in this course, to learn a lot and find it really engaging.

As the facilitation team, my assistant and I can do everything we can to make sure the lecture part of the course is high quality.

In addition, we also want you to have a high-quality experience in the breakouts, and that requires some actions from each of you.

We want to be sure that you’re supported by breakout partners who are fully engaged and up to speed.

So we require that everyone attend all of the sessions in order.

If you miss a session, we completely understand and have no judgments about it, but we will drop you because we don’t trust that you can support your exercise partners.

You’re free to switch to self-paced learning with the slides on the course page, but you can’t switch back.

So the first requirement is that you join no later than 5 minutes after the start time.

Before then, we’ll have an open discussion and it’s a great opportunity to get your questions answered in real time.

It can be really frustrating to join a breakout room and have your partner ask “so what are we doing again?”

We also require that you understand every breakout activity, again not just so you get something out of them, but also so you can best support your partner.

So ask questions to clarify your understanding before you go into a breakout room.

We want you have a human connection with your breakout partner.

It can be really disconnecting to be talking about something personal to a blank screen.

So we require that you have your cameras on during breakouts.

Also, we require you to preserve the confidentiality of what you hear, by not sharing the details of what your breakout partner says, and also by joining in a private place, or with headphones on.

In this graphic, you can see how we want you to record your participation.

Click into the appropriate cell, put an X, then click out of the cell so your X gets saved (it won’t be saved otherwise).

OK, aside from the requirements, we have a couple of requests.

We encourage you to have your cameras on during the lecture, to build a sense of community and to help us get a sense of how people are responding to the content. But it’s not required.

Also, we’ll have homework forms for you to track how you apply your skills, and we’ll go over the anonymized results at the beginning of the following class. You filling out a form helps people get a sense of how others are doing and contributes to the community, but again, not required.

Trainer Segue:

Why is all of this important? Because you’re going to put it into practice right now

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GROUP QUESTION (3 x 3 mins each)

What are your most difficult communication challenges at work?

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Compassionate Communication Offerings

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go/compassionate-skills-...

101	1	Debug the discussion in real time	101 Focus: Connection
101	2	Identify what really matters
101	3	Work with emotional reactivity

200		Practice empathy and skills in a workshop

201	1	Express appreciation	201 Focus: Collaboration
201	2	Apologize and give actionable feedback
201	3	Help them help you achieve your goals

Trainer Motivation:

Summarize the overall program, and set expectations for what will and what won’t be covered (in 101 and in the program overall).

Trainer:

Who’s willing to share some difficult communication challenges, or just why you’re taking the course?

I’ll talk about whether we’ll cover it in this course, or another course.

[When someone came for a particular reason, e.g. a difficult conversation or relationship:

If you sense there’s any emotional charge behind the question, start by responding with an empathy guess.
Acknowledge the reason and translate it to the Comp Comm skills. Talk about which session we’ll cover it within.]

[One common response is someone being too impulsive, or quick to attack after being criticized, or wanting to work on their emotional reactivity, etc.]

The third session of this 101 course covers working with emotional reactivity - in others and in yourself.

Overall, this course can help with not taking things personally. It helps when you can easily understand where people are coming from, and why they say what they do.

There are also practices for emotional self-regulation, with the most prominent being meditation.

This course is a great complement to a meditation practice.

There’s a quote attributed to Viktor Frankl, the author and Holocaust survivor:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response”

You can think of meditation as helping you find that space to choose, and Compassionate Communication as one especially useful option for how to respond.

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AGENDA

Debug the discussion in real time

Have the conversation about the conversation, and ensure your message is heard and you hear the reaction

TOPIC: Compassionate Connection
SKILL: Connection Requests

The Four Checks

GROUP EXERCISE: Making Connection Requests

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0:35: 10 mins for Agenda and Compassionate Connection

We’re going to work with a situation where you want to deliver a message, and make sure it’s received

Think about other conversations you want to have, and if/how you’d apply these skills, such as someone else delivering a message to you

Think about a conversation where you deliver information, such as giving someone bad news

That can create disconnection.

These skills help you create and maintain the connection.

We’ll teach you skills to start the conversation, make sure they understand what you’re saying, to hear how they’re reacting, and and that you understand their reaction.

Then you can apply these skills to other conversations

Trainer:

Apply these when something is (at risk of) going wrong, or a risk of a disconnect with the other person

We’re covering how to debug the discussion in real time, how to have the conversation…

I want to emphasize the debugging metaphor - if the system is running as expected, there isn’t anything to debug.

If the conversation is going smoothly, you may not need these skills!

Think of these skills as your first aid kit, your tool kit to help get the conversation back on track when you notice that there’s a miscommunication, or a risk of one

These skills are optimized for synchronous communication

talking f2f or virtually, and to some extent over chat

They’re less effective over email which is best for broadcasting information anyway

For giving hard-to-hear messages, or any conversation, 1:1 or with groups

For the group exercise, I want you to think of an example of giving a hard-to-hear message

We’ll give you an example scenario you can use, but if you can think of one from your own life, using that will help your learning

It can be one from the past, present, or future

But I don’t want you to over-index on that - the four checks are useful for virtually any conversation, 1:1 and with groups

Trainer Seque:

Goal of the class is Compassionate Connection

Aka, getting on the same page, getting in alignment, getting on the same wavelength

IOW, vibing

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Ever have this?

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Or this?

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This is what we want for you instead

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Goal of 101: Compassionate Connection

Why are we doing what we’re doing?

Mutually understand what’s motivating us:

I’m aware of what’s important to us:

my feelings and needs
and their feelings and needs

They’re aware of what’s important to us:

their feelings and needs
and my feelings and needs

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TOPIC:

Goal of

Comp Comm Skills 101

Compassionate

Connection

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What’s important to me:

my feelings & needs

What’s important to them:

their feelings & needs

Trainer:

Through these three sessions we’ll be learning and practicing skills to build and maintain a state of compassionate connection

Psychologists would say we’re “co-creating an intersubjective field”

Here’s how we define it:

What’s important to me, my F&Ns

What’s important to them, their F&Ns

I’m aware of it

They’re aware of it

Put it together, WE’RE BOTH GETTING IT!

That’s what we’re talking about

Today we’re learning some skills to create the communication channel, then you can use the channel to communicate what’s important.

You can use these skills to clear out any obstacles, remove the friction in the channel

Best of all it’s backwards compatible - the other person don’t have to have these skills for you to use them to build and maintain this channel

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My KR is to select either System X or Y to solve Z
My teammate Eric has been working on System X
Eric has been vocally encouraging me to choose X
After researching the options, I’m going to propose the team uses System Y
I’m briefing our manager before telling Eric

Example Conversation: “System X”

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Connection Requests

SKILLS:

The Four Checks

Just because…

I want to say it doesn’t mean they’re ready to hear it

Check out their willingness

I said it doesn’t mean they understood it

Check out their understanding

They understand it doesn’t mean they’re OK with it

Check out their reaction

I heard it doesn’t mean I understand it

Check out my understanding

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0:45 – 15 mins for 4 Checks

Motivation:

These set up the channel for communication - both about the task and, in a meta way, about what’s motivating us.

This treats communication as a protocol:

You can send and receive messages - you’re the initiator who sends or receives

Ask before sending a message, otherwise you’ll send a message and it won’t be received
Check that the message was received after you’ve sent it
You want to receive a message, so ask them to send you a message
Confirm that you received their message

Three points:

These aren’t linear steps, they’re tactics we can use at any point in the conversation
If the conversation is going well, you may not need them at all. We’ll tell you when they’re helpful, use them only when they’d be helpful
For each of these, we will give you example wording. You’ll practice them in the exercise, so choose the phrases that feel most natural to you.

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When I want to start the conversation:

Check if & how they’re open to talk

“Is now a good time to talk?”
“Are you willing to talk about <x> now?”
“There’s something on my mind. I’m concerned about <x>. Are you open to talking about it?”
“<X> is on my mind. Can you help me figure out what factors are most important?”

…

“If now is bad, would you be willing to plan a time to talk later?”

Connection Request

Type 1

SKILL:

Check out their willingness

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When I’ve just explained a lot (Basic):

1) Invite them to share what they heard:

“Does that make sense?”
“Are you still with me?”
“Are you following me?”
“Are you understanding my reasoning here?”

2) Clarify if necessary:

“Ah, OK, that’s different from what I’m wanting to get across. I’m actually thinking…”

Connection Request

Type 2A

SKILL:

Check out their understanding

(Basic)

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When I’ve just explained a lot (Advanced):

If it’s still not clear they understand…

Own the clarity of the message:
“I just said a lot and I don't know if it conveyed what I was trying to say…”
“I want to be sure I made sense / I came across clearly…”
“Sometimes I leave a conversation with someone realizing we weren’t on the same page…”
“I want to know I’m covering the main things I want to say…”
Directly ask for a reflection: “I’m curious”...
“How are you making sense of what I just said?”
“What are you getting from all of this?”
“Can you share what you heard me say?”
“Would you give me a sense of what you heard from me?”

Connection Request

Type 2B

SKILL:

Check out their understanding

(Advanced)

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When I’ve said something that might bother them, or they seem pensive:

Ask their reaction to what I said

“So, what do you think?”
“How was it to hear all of this?”
“Do you have any concerns hearing this?”
“Wow, I just said a lot. What comes up for you hearing that?”
“What’s it like for you to hear my perspective?”
“How are you feeling about all of this?”
“What comes to mind for you hearing me say this?”

Connection Request

Type 3

SKILL:

Check out their reaction

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When they’ve just spoken:

Ask them to hear my reflection

Ask their willingness to hear:
“I want to be sure I understand.”
“Can I check my understanding of what’s important to you?”
“I heard you say a lot of important stuff. Are you OK with me confirming what I heard?”
Then give reflection:
“What I’m hearing you say is…”
“It sounds like what’s important to you is…”

Connection Request

Type 4

SKILL:

Check out my understanding

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Connection Requests

SKILLS:

The Four Checks

Just because…

I want to say it doesn’t mean they’re ready to hear it

Check out their willingness

I said it doesn’t mean they understood it

Check out their understanding

They understand it doesn’t mean they’re OK with it

Check out their reaction

I heard it doesn’t mean I understand it

Check out my understanding

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Motivation:

These set up the channel for communication - both about the task and, in a meta way, about what’s motivating us.

This treats communication as a protocol:

You can send and receive messages - you’re the initiator who sends or receives

Ask before sending a message, otherwise you’ll send a message and it won’t be received
Check that the message was received after you’ve sent it
You want to receive a message, so ask them to send you a message
Confirm that you received their message

Three points:

These aren’t linear steps, they’re tactics we can use at any point in the conversation
If the conversation is going well, you may not need them at all. We’ll tell you when they’re helpful, use them only when they’d be helpful
For each of these, we will give you example wording. You’ll practice them in the exercise, so choose the phrases that feel most natural to you.

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GROUP EXERCISE: Making Connection

Requests (2 x 6 mins each)

Speaker: Plan to deliver a difficult message (real or imagined).
Speaker: Tell the listener who they will role-play.
Speaker: Start with a CR #1 to talk.
Listener: Agree to talk.
Speaker: Give details and request a basic reflection (CR #2A).
Listener: Give reaction (not reflection).
Speaker: Rephrase details, and continue with more CRs.

Try to use all 4 CRs! (including CR #3 and CR #4)

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CR #1: Check out their willingness

CR #2: Check out their understanding

CR #3: Check out their reaction

CR #4: Check out my understanding

Use this slide the first time we explain the exercise, we want the learners’ attention to be focused on the steps.

Then, show the next slide with reminders of the 4 checks when they’re doing the exercise.

Between the lead facilitator and assistant, whoever didn’t present the 4 checks should be the speaker.

That way the learners get more experience hearing more people say the 4 checks.

When talking to manager about not selecting System X, it could make sense to do the advanced CR 2B

“It’s important for us to be on the same page, because Eric might have a negative reaction in the team meeting.”

“So are you with me that we we’re doing this because of <reason 1>?”

“And <reason 2>?”

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GROUP EXERCISE:

Making Connection Requests (2 x 6 mins each)

Speaker: Plan to deliver a difficult message (real or imagined).
Speaker: Tell the listener who they will role-play.
Speaker: Start with a CR #1 to talk.
Listener: Agree to talk.
Speaker: Talk with details and request a reflection (CR #2A).
Listener: Give incomplete/incorrect reflection.
Speaker: Rephrase and continue, making another CR, repeat.

Try to use all 4 CRs! (including CR #3 and CR #4)

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GROUP EXERCISE:

Making Connection Requests (2 x 6 mins each)

Speaker: Plan to deliver a message that can be misunderstood (real or imagined).
Speaker: Tell the listener who they will role-play.
Speaker: Start with a CR #1 to talk.
Listener: Agree to talk.
Speaker: Talk with details and request a reflection (CR #2).
Listener: Give incomplete/incorrect reflection.
Speaker: Rephrase and continue, making another CR, repeat.

Try to use all 4 CRs! (including CR #3 and CR #4)

The Four Checks

Check out their willingness
Check out their understanding
Check out their reaction
Check out my understanding

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Goal of 101: Compassionate Connection

Mutually understanding what’s important to each of us

I’m aware of what’s important to us

They’re aware of what’s important to us

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Goal of

Comp Comm Skills 101

Compassionate

Connection

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What’s important to me:

my feelings & needs

What’s important to them:

their feelings & needs

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Marshall Rosenberg

American, 1934 – 2015

Psychologist
Conflict mediator
Teacher
Author

Nonviolent Communication:

A Language of Life

History of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

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The text of this work by Compassion In Tech is licensed under

Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0)

All images retain the copyright of their original owners

License

To use one of these slides, copy and paste this entire attribution:

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GROUP EXERCISE: Discuss Connection

(4 mins each)

Talk about some or all of these:

Which part of connection is the hardest?
Which part of connection do you neglect most?
What stops you from connecting?
Do you define connection differently?

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Trainer Motivation:

Help participants start to feel comfortable in the course.

As with all sessions, begin at 5 minutes after the start time.

This gives people a chance to arrive and get settled.

They may be coming late from another meeting.

However, we don’t want to have the first 5 minutes silent.

Then the people who arrived on time may feel annoyed that they made the effort but have to wait for people who didn’t.

So we want to inspire a little FOMO and actually talk about stuff.

In later sessions we have an open Q&A for participants to ask about learning and practicing NVC.

Since we haven’t covered anything yet, just ask about these topics.

Trainer:

[When someone came for a particular reason, e.g. a difficult conversation or relationship:

Start by responding with an empathy guess.
Acknowledge the reason and translate it to the Comp Comm skills. Talk about which session we’ll cover it within.]