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Subtlety

Avoid:

This is important because…

The purposes are…

This quotation shows that….

In this quotation he…

Consider Instead:

Resonating with most readers is the seriousness…

Twain’s emphasis on the description on the material items of the family…

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Voice

Avoid:

Avoid “you” unless you really intend to talk to your reader

This makes you feel sad because...

Consider instead:

How would you react when your only empathetic parental figure is sold away from you?

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Avoid “I” unless it’s appropriate to share a personal experience.

I think that Huck’s reason for bonding with Jim...

As a child who grew up around violence, I see a familiar and ironic optimism that defines Huck’s relationship with Pap…

Voice, continued

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Syntax

Avoid: Uncombined ideas

Twain does this to emphasize his message. His message is that society is too focused on material objects. This criticizes mankind for not focusing on the important things in life.

Consider Instead:

Twain criticizes a society that is too focused on material objects instead of projects of more intrinsic value.

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Syntax, continued

Remember:

Appositives
Relative Clauses
Initial or terminal phrases

Jim, arguably the most influential figure on Huck’s morality, is nevertheless frequently depicted as a stereotype.

The journey down the river is a voyage into Huck’s mental freedom, breaking the restrictions of an oppressive societal influence.

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Diction

We do not want to sound like an awkward thesaurus.

However, apt words make for more sophisticated writing.

Sometimes apt words actually help you express an important analytical idea.

Consider:

1.) juxtapose

2.) ostensible

3.) incongruous

4.) conventional

5.) ephemeral

6.) elicit

7.) ambivalence

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Revision Steps:

Retype original writing sample. Make sure this is labeled “original” or “before.”
Add a quotation from the text that supports your ideas to your Version 2.
Polish writing sample by using techniques above. (Make sure this is labeled “Version 2”)
You need to use at least one of the vocabulary words provided on the diction slide, but you are welcome to use more. Please put this word in bold.

(continue on next page)

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Select one sentence from your Version 2 that you’d like to work with. Type the words “Syntax Exercise 1” underneath your Version 2 paragraph.
Paste your original sentence underneath the heading Syntax Exercise.
Rewrite this sentence in three different ways, keeping the main ideas in tact, but altering your use of syntax or diction. These should appear numbered beneath your original sentence

1.
2.
3. (continued on next page)

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Type “Final Version” in your document. Your final version will occur under this heading.
Select one sentence from your Version 2. This sentence will not make the cut into your Final Version. Please indicate this with a strikethrough in your Version 2.
The phrase “not just ______ but also______” can be powerful. Find a way to incorporate this into your Final Version.
Select the strongest of your “Syntax Exercise” sentences to appear in your Final Version. It can be the original sentence, if you feel this was the strongest. (continued on next page)

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Perform one last round of polishing on your final version. This should be the fanciest thing you’ve ever written.

After you are finished with your final version, copy and paste your original so that it appears immediately before your final copy.

These should be clearly labeled “original version” and “final version”.

*Please bring a printed copy of this activity to class tomorrow!*