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Going Deeper: LGBTQ+ Language & Pronouns��Women’s League for Conservative Judaism�April 23, 2023 | Iyar 2, 5783

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Goals
Kavvanot/Intentions
(Brief!) Review of LGBTQ+ Aleph-Bet: Terms and Concepts
The “Why” – Grounding in Jewish Values
Language & Pronouns
Understanding Allyship & Microaggressions
Practice Scenarios
Questions
Closing

Agenda

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Keshet works for the full equality�of all LGBTQ Jews and our families in Jewish life. We strengthen Jewish communities. We equip Jewish organizations with the skills and knowledge to build LGBTQ-affirming communities, create spaces in which all queer Jewish youth feel seen and valued, and advance LGBTQ rights nationwide.��

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During our time together, we will:

Approach allyship from a framework of authentic relationship with and accountability to LGBTQ+ people.
Understand pronoun use and harness tools to practice pronoun use.
Understand language as a powerful tool for LGBTQ+ allyship.

Goals

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Growth and Learning Mindset
Take Space/Make Space
Take Lessons, Leave Stories
Trust Intent, Tend Impact
Prepare for Non-closure
Stay present (as much as possible!)
Have Fun!

Kavvanot - Intentions

H

Growth and Learning Mindset – we are here to learn, which means that we do not know everything yet. It’s a good thing to arrive at our growing edge – stretching and willing to know more. I wanna invite you to be willing to ask questions in the language you have them in, without worrying about “asking the wrong thing” or “saying the wrong word”Be willing to accept re-framing or pushback without feeling that you are being criticized for not knowing something yet. A no-commitment try-it-on as we all learn. I will ask some questions, there’ll be opportunity for sharing, but please feel free to pass if you’d prefer not to share. You can just say, “I’ll pass on that, thanks.”

Take Space / Make Space – try to remain aware of how much “airtime” you are taking up, and use that awareness to either speak up more or hold back and allow others to speak. If 3 times you’re first to speak, consider sitting back on the 4^th. And if you’re someone who usually sits back in group conversations, please consider this invitation to speak up more, if you wish.

Take Lessons, Leave Stories – while we cannot guarantee complete confidentiality in this space, we ask all participants to respect one another’s privacy, and refrain from sharing any identifiable details about what others may have shared without their explicit permission to share.

Trust Intent, Tend Impact – please be aware that the words that we use may have impacts on others in ways that we are not aware of or do not intend. If someone says something that does not sit well with you, please speak up and share. If someone shares with you that your words have negatively impacted them, please do your best to tend to the impact your words had, seek to understand, and think of this as a part of ongoing learning. Be willing to hear the “ouch,” tend the feeling that arises in yourself.

Prepare for non-closure – we cannot possibly address everything in the time that we have here today. Please treat this as a brief introduction and an invitation to further conversation and learning.

Stay Present (as much as possible) – CONTENT WARNING for mention of suicide on slide 11. Recognizing the various needs and settings we may all be in, please do your best to be fully present in this space and remove what distractions you can. Also, we’re all humans, in human bodies! Please stretch/take a break if you need it.

Have fun!

Any additional Kavvanot that you would like to add?

“I see a few thumbs up, I see thoughtful faces. For now, I don’t see any additions – feel free to pop in later, this invitation is not closed.”

“Ok, hearing none, seeing none.”

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LGBTQ+ Aleph-Bet: Terms and Concepts

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Binary?

“Opposite”

“Two and

only two”

“Mutually

exclusive”

H QUICK REVIEW! Binaries are a common cognitive shortcut that people use. We take in so much information and make so many decisions each day that we cannot process them all individually. To get around this, our brains get really good at creating categories and matching instances to those categories / making generalizations. This is important for our survival (we could not re-learn how to use a car, open a door, etc each time).

One way that our brains try to make sense of information overload is by creating binary categories (binary from bi=2), assuming that there are two and only two categories, which are opposite of one another.

Prompt participants to think of (low stakes) binaries we are familiar with. Point out that each of these is only a very rough approximation of a complex reality, and that we usually know this even as we use those binaries.

We’re getting ice cream. Do you want chocolate or [vanilla]?

Is this play a comedy or a [tragedy]?

Is that character the villain or the [hero]?

Are you a cat person or a [dog person]?

When it comes to gender, the same is true. The binary of “man or woman” is a very broad and very limited way to categorize people, there is huge variety in each category - and they really do not function as opposites in any way that holds up to scrutiny. Just as none of the binaries we listed above could fully describe reality, there are plenty of people who do not fit into the categories of “woman” or “man.” Whenever we try to create broad and all-inclusive categories for a complex reality those categories will never be perfect, and should not be treated as absolute. Having only two options

Can be harmful, and can’t possibly describe everyone.

Prompt participants to list some things that are built with the assumption that the gender binary is absolute, or the assumption that that all people can/should be categorized as men or women (suggestions if no one has any - medical care / forms / housing / trips / restrooms / sports teams / social groups / etc). Point out how much harm that can do.

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Three Axes

Sex Assigned at Birth

Sexual Orientation

Gender Identity

Male

Female

Intersex

Cisgender

Transgender

Woman

Man

Genderqueer

Genderfluid

Nonbinary

Bisexual

Straight

Lesbian

Gay

Pansexual

Asexual

Queer

Terms in alphabetical order

Agender

And More …

H Sexual orientation describes a pattern of whether, how, and to whom a person experiences romantic/sexual attraction.

These are examples of some sexual orientations that you may hear about – not a complete list, people use these terms in whichever ways feel most accurate and empowering to them. As with gender, an individual is the one and only expert/authority on their own identities.

Gay – can refer to men who are attracted only/mainly to men, some women who are attracted only/mainly to women also use it.

Bisexual vs. pansexual – both refer to experiencing attraction to more than one gender of people. Because there are more than two genders some people prefer the term pansexual (pan is a prefix meaning “all”) over bisexual (bi is a prefix meaning “two”). Plenty of bisexual people consider this awareness already to be part of their understanding of what it means to be bi (genders like my own and genders unlike my own = 2). Both uses are completely valid, always respect the terms that people use for themselves.

Asexual – Not all people experience sexual/romantic attraction, or experience it as a major or driving factor in their lives and relationships. As a culture, we have spent a lot of time normalizing and destigmatizing the experience of sexuality, but not nearly as much time destigmatizing the experiences of asexual people.

Queer:

Shows up on both the gender and orientation side of the triangle. This is intentional! “Queer” is a word that is fundamentally about defying categorization and limitations. It means something different to each person who uses it. Some things to keep in mind about it are

For some people it is used to describe identities that cannot be captured by a single one of the terms above, and may reflect complexity both in terms of gender identity and in terms of orientation. For others, it is purely about sexual orientation.
For some, it reflects a particular political or ideological approach to gender and/or sexuality, usually related to critiquing or resisting the systems of power and expectations that have been woven into gender and sexuality
Some use it as an umbrella term for everyone who is “not cis and straight.” We do not recommend this because:
Queer has a loaded history as a reclaimed word. It has it’s origins as a slur, and there is real pain associated with it for many people. Others find it empowering to reclaim this word. It is important to respect the autonomy and identities of people, and use only the words that they choose for their identities.

Core Points:

We are moving away from talking about words that describe what gender an individual is, and towards words that describe orientation.

Sexual orientation describes a pattern of whether, how, and to whom a person experiences romantic/sexual attraction.

These are examples of some sexual orientations that you may hear about – not a complete list, people use these terms in whichever ways feel most accurate and empowering to them. As with gender, an individual is the one and only expert/authority on their own identities.

Reminder: The identities on the three categories of this triangle are independent of one another! They can exist in any combination! A person can by cisgender and straight/gay/queer/bi/any, OR transgender and straight/queer/gay/pan/etc!

� Reminder: Keshet’s terminology sheet will be offered as a handout / follow up email. The purpose of this conversation is not to give you unchanging objective categories into which you can categorize all people, but to begin to familiarize yourself with some of the terms that you may hear and give you tools for learning more.

�If Asked:

Gay – can refer to men who are attracted only/mainly to men, some women who are attracted only/mainly to women also use it.

Bisexual vs. pansexual – both refer to experiencing attraction to more than one gender of people. Because there are more than two genders some people prefer the term pansexual (pan is a prefix meaning “all”) over bisexual (bi is a prefix meaning “two”). Plenty of bisexual people consider this awareness already to be part of their understanding of what it means to be bi (genders like my own and genders unlike my own = 2). Both uses are completely valid, always respect the terms that people use for themselves.

Asexual – Not all people experience sexual/romantic attraction, or experience it as a major or driving factor in their lives and relationships. As a culture, we have spent a lot of time normalizing and destigmatizing the experience of sexuality, but not nearly as much time destigmatizing the experiences of asexual people.

Queer:

Shows up on both the gender and orientation side of the triangle. This is intentional! “Queer” is a word that is fundamentally about defying categorization and limitations. It means something different to each person who uses it. Some things to keep in mind about it are

For some people it is used to describe identities that cannot be captured by a single one of the terms above, and may reflect complexity both in terms of gender identity and in terms of orientation. For others, it is purely about sexual orientation.
For some, it reflects a particular political or ideological approach to gender and/or sexuality, usually related to critiquing or resisting the systems of power and expectations that have been woven into gender and sexuality
Some use it as an umbrella term for everyone who is “not cis and straight.” We do not recommend this because:
Queer has a loaded history as a reclaimed word. It has it’s origins as a slur, and there is real pain associated with it for many people. Others find it empowering to reclaim this word eg. “You can’t insult me by calling me what I am.” It is important to respect the autonomy and identities of people, and use only the words that they choose for their identities.

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The “Why”

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Taking this Responsibility Seriously

Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people.
LGBTQ youth are four times more likely to seriously consider suicide, to make a plan for suicide, and to attempt suicide than their peers.
LGBTQ youth who report having at least one accepting adult were 40% less likely to report a suicide attempt in the past year.
Transgender and non-binary youth who reported having their pronouns respected by all or most of the people in their lives attempted suicide at half the rate of those who did not have their pronouns respected.

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Language��“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”� - Proverbs 18:21�

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Be mindful of language.

Hi, everyone!

And for you?

Thanks, friends.

Have a great night!

Can I get you all something?

Good morning, folks!

ladies

girls

sir

ma’am

gentlemen

guys

etc.

Avoid:

Consider using instead:

Why?

Shifting to gender-inclusive language respects and acknowledges

the gender identities of all people and removes assumption.

Rakhel

Note that many of the ways that English speakers communicate include gender in ways that we do not think of. From greetings to common expressions, gender – and assumptions about gender – are frequently present. Try to use language that does not make assumptions!

It is amazing to notice all of the ways that assumptions about gender, family structure, orientation, etc. are built into many everyday expressions, greetings, etc. It can be helpful to pick – and practice – alternate language.

Great British Baking Show addresses the room as bakers.

Pick something specific, even empowering: campers, artists, hikers, dancers

Other examples of subtle language shifts:

Hemaphrodite > intersex

Homosexual > gay/lesbian

Born female/male, female/male-bodied > assigned female/male at birth

A gay / a transgender / transgendered > a gay / transgender person

Normal people > straight/cis

Both genders/opposite sexes > all genders

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Pronouns

Rakhel

Next few slides will focus on pronouns. They are an important piece of LGBTQ belonging so we’ll go over some key points, but they’re only one piece of LGBTQ identity. This is not info to memorize, or a finite way to handle language changes. Rather, it’s a tool, an invitation to harness your relationships with students and with one another to use the most affirming language possible, remembering that people’s words may change.

Notes:

• Everyone has pronouns, not just LGBTQ+ folks! For example, we could say: “Moishe uses Moishe’s ingredients to make Moishe’s grandma a challah,” which could sound clunk. Instead, we could say, “Moishe uses his ingredients to make his grandma a challah.”

• You cannot tell someone’s gender from their pronouns, and you cannot tell someone pronouns from their gender.

�

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Why Share Pronouns?

It allows others to refer to you correctly.
It challenges the assumption that we can or should “guess” people’s pronouns.
If you are a person whose pronouns are regularly respected by others, sharing your pronouns takes the burden off of those whose pronouns are regularly disrespected to be the first / only ones sharing.

Rakhel

But how do you know what pronouns to use for someone? Create spaces where they can tell you!

Note – we strongly advise against requiring or demanding that people share pronouns. Doing so can be harmful to people who are not out, are actively exploring their identities, and many others. In addition, by framing this as a demand rather than modeling and educating, you may activate defensiveness among those who are struggling with the concept, which can have negative consequences for the people you are seeking to support.

Note again – this is not the same as allowing others to belittle the idea – it is worth responding with some of these reasons why sharing pronouns benefits many people. But giving each person time and space to try on the idea is helpful.

Note: You cannot tell someone’s gender from their pronouns, and you cannot tell someone pronouns from their gender.

We call people the names they ask for all the time.

Eg. Someone changes their maiden name to their married last name.

Eg. Robert on ID, “Hi I’m Bob” – Jacquelyn, Jackie!

Note before moving to the next slide: for some people, a grammar chart is so helpful and clear, and for others, a grammar chart is overwhelming and awful. If you’re in this latter group, please don’t worry - this is just a tool to help you understand that multiple pronouns that exist, it is not something to memorize!

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Subjective	Objective	Possessive	Reflexive	Example
She	Her	Hers	Herself	The challah is hers. She created the recipe herself. This loaf is for her.
He	Him	His	Himself	The kibbeh is his. He created the recipe himself. This one is for him.
They	Them	Theirs	Themselves /�Themself	This babka is theirs. They created the recipe themself. This one is for them.
Ze	Hir	Hirs	Hirself	The hamentaschen are hirs. Ze created the recipe hirself. This one is for hir.
Ze	Zir	Zirs	Zirself	The dafina is zirs. Ze created the recipe zirself. This bowl is zirs.

Pronoun Chart

Rakhel

Another important part of language is pronouns – how we refer to people in the third person. For many people, referring to them by the correct pronouns is as important a sign of day-to-day respect as referring to them by their names correctly.

Some examples of common pronouns are listed here, along with how to use them in various parts of the sentence.

[Read slide]

“They” is used as a singular pronoun and is often gender-neutral. This is an example of linguistic evolution in which an existing term expands its meanings to meet a need of the people who speak the language (similar to how the word “call” expanded to refer to using a telephone).

Accepted by dictionaries, including Oxford English Dictionary and Merriam-Webster.
Long history of use: Shakespeare and Jane Austen
We do it all the time: “Someone left their sweater, I hope we can get it back to them!”

Ze/Hir and Ze/Zir are examples of neopronouns, pronouns designed specifically to be gender-expansive. This is an example of linguistic evolution in which a community of people meet a need by creating a new word (similar to *inventing* the work telephone to describe a new piece of technology). Both are ways in which all languages typically evolve, and both are in fairly common use.

Note, if asked – this chart only addresses English pronouns. Many other languages, including Hebrew, have linguistic gender not only as part of third-person pronouns but present in other parts of speech as well. In Hebrew, the Nonbinary Hebrew Project (nonbinaryhebrew.com) offers one set of tools for using Hebrew in a gender-expansive way. In addition, some Israelis are using the pronoun “hem” to indicate a gender-expansive identity, while others combine or alternate between masculine and feminine forms to indicate gender expansiveness. A full conversation about what is currently evolving in Hebrew and what might be the best fit for your specific setting goes beyond the time we have in this introductory training, but we (or Keshet) can follow up and talk about this with you at greater length.

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Image borrowed from the book A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns

by Archie Bongiovanni & Tristan Jimerson

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Pronouns in Action

Tracey Labgold she/her

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When Mistakes Happen�(… and they will!)

Avoid explaining how or why the mistake happened. You can simply say:

I’m Sorry or/and Thank You

… correct the pronoun, and continue the sentence.

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Pronoun Scenario

Jo, a staff member on your team uses they/them pronouns. You have known Jo for several years, and have a good relationship with them. They started going by a new name about a year ago. Today, before a meeting, another coworker on your team used she/her pronouns to describe Jo. The coworker said this while other staff were arriving for the meeting, so you know that Jo, as well as other staff members, have overheard this.

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Allyship & Microaggressions

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Allyship

The process of being in relationship with people who hold a marginalized identity that you do not share, and using your own platform, privilege, or power to work with them to increase safety, dignity, and belonging for members of that group.

Allyship is action-oriented, accountable, and ongoing, and may look different from situation to situation. Being an ally does not mean that you will get everything right, it means that you will listen, learn, and grow when you do not.

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Implicit Bias

The attitudes, stereotypes, and assumptions that we're not even aware of, and often run counter to our consciously held values. These implicit assumptions can impact our everyday choices, particularly when we are already under stress or in a hurry.

Definition adapted from Dr Sue, https://www.vox.com/2015/2/16/8031073/what-are-microaggressions

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What are Microaggressions?

“The everyday, subtle, intentional — and oftentimes unintentional — interactions or behaviors that communicate some sort of bias toward historically marginalized groups.”

- Kevin Nadal

Professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice

“Microaggressions often appear to be a compliment or a joke, but contain a hidden insult about a group of people.”

– Dr. Derald Wing Sue

Often rooted in implicit bias…

Source: https://www.pfizer.com/news/hot-topics/understanding_racial_microaggression_and_its_effect_on_mental_health and https://www.vox.com/2015/2/16/8031073/what-are-microaggressions

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“Small” Actions, Large Impact

Cumulative psychological impact, in line with trauma.
Associated with anger, depression, anxiety, lower productivity.
Associated with physical symptoms such as headaches, loss of sleep, increased blood pressure.
Make environments less affirming and validating
Those who experience microaggressions are often told they are “overreacting,” “too sensitive,” “aggressive,” or are pressured to minimize/deny the incidents.

Source: https://www.pfizer.com/news/hot-topics/understanding_racial_microaggression_and_its_effect_on_mental_health and https://www.vox.com/2015/2/16/8031073/what-are-microaggressions

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Examples

The Action	The Message
“You look so good, I never would have guessed you are trans!”	Being trans is not “good;” being seen as cis is the ultimate goal.
“He came out as gay, probably because it’s what all the cool kids are doing these days.”	Invalidates one’s LGBTQ+ identity and implies that it is a trend or a phase.
“I’m not transphobic, I just think it’s confusing/too difficult to use singular ‘they’ pronouns.”	Implies that one’s own comfort or sense of “correct” grammar is more important than another person’s dignity.

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Examples

The Action	The Message
“She’s bi, but she’s dating a man, so is she really queer?”	Disrespects bisexuality and expresses that bi people have to be in a “same gender” relationship to be a valid LGBTQ+ person.
“Adam – who used to be Sarah – came over for dinner the other day.”	At best, expresses disrespect for Adam’s name and identity. At worst, outs Adam as trans and potential danger.
“When you go home to your Mom and Dad, have them sign this permission slip.”	Assumes all children in the class have, and live with, their mother and father.

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Acting Against Implicit Bias

Be aware of your own biases and fears (we all have them! This is not a cause for shame!)
Seek out interaction with people who differ from you (in terms of race, culture, ethnicity, and other qualities).
Try not to get defensive.
Be open to discussing your own attitudes and biases and how they might have hurt others or in some sense revealed bias on your part.
Be an ally by intervening personally against all forms of bias and discrimination.

Adapted from Dr. Sue, https://www.vox.com/2015/2/16/8031073/what-are-microaggressions

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Practice Scenarios

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Scenarios

Read your scenario as a group and elect a scribe to take notes in the grid while you discuss the scenario. Use the following questions as a guide:

What is the potential impact on LGBTQ+ participants or community members?
How might you intervene in the moment?
What could you do differently or shift?

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What questions do you have?

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לא עליך המלאכה לגמור, ולא אתה בן חורין ליבטל ממנה. �

Lo aleikha ham’lakha ligmor, velo atah ben khorin lehibatel mimenah.

It is not upon you to complete the work, but you are not free to desist from it.

- Pirkei Avot 2:16

RClose with the note that this conversation was just the beginning – 90 minutes can only just scratch the surface. Encourage questions, further learning, and continued work.

Also note this approach to institutional change work – it is most successful when done in realistic, achievable chunks that take into account current resources and capacity. Over time, this work can be sustained and can grow!

(context for this quote, if asked)

Pirkei Avot (pronounced peer-KAY ah-VOT) is a collection of Jewish wisdom literature that was composed in Israel between 190 – 230 CE. The title translates literally to “chapters of the fathers / chapters of the ancestors,” and is sometimes called in English “Ethics of the Ancestors.”

This quote (said by Rabbi Tarfon, a prominent sage who lived in Israel in the first century CE), is a great way to close a training and frame a call to action: we believe that learning and institutional change are ongoing. The intention is not to leave this space feeling overwhelmed by the number of things that we could do, but to approach the work with the intention of working sustainably and being committed for the long haul.

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Further Resources

keshetonline.org/resources-and-events

keshetonline.org/youth

Stay in Touch!

education@keshetonline.org

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Thank you for joining us!