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WE’RE PUTTING YOU DOWN
John Zachary Townsend
INT. RESTAURANT-NIGHT
A fancy restaurant. CLINT, dressed nicely, is seated across
from his parents, MAUREEN and OLIVER.
CLINT
So do you think I could borrow two
thousand dollars? Just for another
month’s rent and food. I promise
I’m really close to finding a full
time job.
OLIVER
Clint you’re mother and I have been
talking, and we’ve decided we can’t
continue to support you anymore.
CLINT
Okay. So, you mean, you’re not
going to pay my rent anymore?
OLIVER
No. We’ve decided to have you put
down.
MAUREEN
Like a dog. Believe us, this was
not an easy decision.
OLIVER
We did a lot of thinking, and this
just seems like the most practical
option.
CLINT
You’re going to have me murdered?
MAUREEN
We prefer put to sleep.
CLINT
Why can’t I just move back home?
OLIVER
We considered that. But then we
realized it would probably take you
a while to find a job back home-
Page 2 of 4
MAUREEN
-We checked, the Chipotle isn’t
hiring.
OLIVER
You wouldn’t pay rent. You’d
probably assume we’d let you eat
for free too!
MAUREEN
And then we figured even if you did
get a job, and saved up some money,
and tried to move back to New York,
who are we to assume you wouldn’t
fail again and ask us for more
money?
OLIVER
This is the best choice.
CLINT
This can’t be happening. I’m a
human being! I have inalieable
rights!
MAUREEN
You gave those rights up when you
decided to get a BFA.
OLIVER
Look buddy, we’re just as upset as
you are.
CLINT
No you’re not! You’re not the one
dying here!
MAUREEN
And you’re not the one who wasted
200,000 dollars on an art school
degree.
CLINT
You said you wanted me to follow my
dream.
OLIVER
Yeah we didn’t realize your dream
was an unpaid internship and a
studio apartment in Bed-Stuy.
CLINT
Look I know it’s been rough, and I
haven’t had the best luck...
2.
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MAUREEN
...Honey. Sometimes you invest in a
Google. Sometimes you invest in a
Friendster. And you were a
Friendster, that’s fine.
CLINT
Well, ride it out. I could turn
into a Google.
OLIVER
You are not a Google.
CLINT
You don’t know that!
MAUREEN
Honey, the decision has been made.
Clint pulls out his phone.
OLIVER
What are you doing?
CLINT
I’m texting your friend Mallory
that you want to put me down.
MAUREEN
Tell her we said thanks.
CLINT
Thanks?
OLIVER
She’s the one who suggested we put
you down.
MAUREEN
She had her son Trevor put down.
CLINT
You told me Trevor drove his truck
into a tree when he was drunk?
OLIVER
Oh no that was just the story they
came up with to cover up the
shameful truth.
CLINT
What was the shameful...
3.
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MAUREEN
His web series never reached it’s
Kickstarter goal.
OLIVER
Look, kid. It’s not personal. We’re
just cutting our loses.
MAUREEN
You would understand if you’d ever
made something of yourself.
CLINT
You consider killing your first
born ‘cutting your loses’?
MAUREEN
I guess ‘putting our loses to
sleep’ would be more appropriate.
Maureen and Oliver high five each other.
OLIVER
Good one Maureen!
MAUREEN
I love you honey.
OLIVER
I love you.
Maureen and Oliver make out furiously.
MAUREEN
Let’s have another baby. A
successful one this time.
OLIVER
You got it babe.
BLACKOUT
4.