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WE’RE PUTTING YOU DOWN

John Zachary Townsend

INT. RESTAURANT-NIGHT

A fancy restaurant. CLINT, dressed nicely, is seated across

from his parents, MAUREEN and OLIVER.

CLINT

So do you think I could borrow two

thousand dollars? Just for another

month’s rent and food. I promise

I’m really close to finding a full

time job.

OLIVER

Clint you’re mother and I have been

talking, and we’ve decided we can’t

continue to support you anymore.

CLINT

Okay. So, you mean, you’re not

going to pay my rent anymore?

OLIVER

No. We’ve decided to have you put

down.

MAUREEN

Like a dog. Believe us, this was

not an easy decision.

OLIVER

We did a lot of thinking, and this

just seems like the most practical

option.

CLINT

You’re going to have me murdered?

MAUREEN

We prefer put to sleep.

CLINT

Why can’t I just move back home?

OLIVER

We considered that. But then we

realized it would probably take you

a while to find a job back home-

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MAUREEN

-We checked, the Chipotle isn’t

hiring.

OLIVER

You wouldn’t pay rent. You’d

probably assume we’d let you eat

for free too!

MAUREEN

And then we figured even if you did

get a job, and saved up some money,

and tried to move back to New York,

who are we to assume you wouldn’t

fail again and ask us for more

money?

OLIVER

This is the best choice.

CLINT

This can’t be happening. I’m a

human being! I have inalieable

rights!

MAUREEN

You gave those rights up when you

decided to get a BFA.

OLIVER

Look buddy, we’re just as upset as

you are.

CLINT

No you’re not! You’re not the one

dying here!

MAUREEN

And you’re not the one who wasted

200,000 dollars on an art school

degree.

CLINT

You said you wanted me to follow my

dream.

OLIVER

Yeah we didn’t realize your dream

was an unpaid internship and a

studio apartment in Bed-Stuy.

CLINT

Look I know it’s been rough, and I

haven’t had the best luck...

2.

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MAUREEN

...Honey. Sometimes you invest in a

Google. Sometimes you invest in a

Friendster. And you were a

Friendster, that’s fine.

CLINT

Well, ride it out. I could turn

into a Google.

OLIVER

You are not a Google.

CLINT

You don’t know that!

MAUREEN

Honey, the decision has been made.

Clint pulls out his phone.

OLIVER

What are you doing?

CLINT

I’m texting your friend Mallory

that you want to put me down.

MAUREEN

Tell her we said thanks.

CLINT

Thanks?

OLIVER

She’s the one who suggested we put

you down.

MAUREEN

She had her son Trevor put down.

CLINT

You told me Trevor drove his truck

into a tree when he was drunk?

OLIVER

Oh no that was just the story they

came up with to cover up the

shameful truth.

CLINT

What was the shameful...

3.

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MAUREEN

His web series never reached it’s

Kickstarter goal.

OLIVER

Look, kid. It’s not personal. We’re

just cutting our loses.

MAUREEN

You would understand if you’d ever

made something of yourself.

CLINT

You consider killing your first

born ‘cutting your loses’?

MAUREEN

I guess ‘putting our loses to

sleep’ would be more appropriate.

Maureen and Oliver high five each other.

OLIVER

Good one Maureen!

MAUREEN

I love you honey.

OLIVER

I love you.

Maureen and Oliver make out furiously.

MAUREEN

Let’s have another baby. A

successful one this time.

OLIVER

You got it babe.

BLACKOUT

4.