Dear Liisphyra

Episode 22 (S3E1): One for the History Books

Official Transcript

Written by Katie Siegel

[cheerful intro theme]

Liisphyra: Gooooood morning, Grevelon, and welcome back to Dear Liisphyra. My name’s Liisphyra Lyndambar. And if this is your first time tuning in, on this show I give advice to any folks and creatures who may need it!

Well, first off, let’s address the giant jeebler in the room. What was originally supposed to be a quick little pause in our regularly-scheduled programming turned into a…slightly longer pause.

I’ll try to give the short version of a very long story: the radio station got a new neighbor who turned out to be an infamous wanted mage, and the Towering Forest rangers turned the station into a stakeout spot to try to capture him.

Oh. That was shorter than I thought it’d be. I guess we have time for the medium version of the story, then.

So, the mage’s name is Darglen Hoppenflyner. I met him when he brought a plate of cookies to the radio station, introducing himself as our new neighbor and offering his services if we ever needed anything fixed.

He seemed like a really nice guy! But I guess Almarazel the Destroyer of Five Hundred Trees also seemed like a nice guy. Before he, y’know, destroyed all those trees. Just goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover. Or…by its cookies. If books brought cookies to their neighbors. Okay, I’m losing the thread.

And this is turning into the long version of the story, I’ll speed it up. So then, while I was in the middle of a show, we received a letter from the Towering Forest rangers that the wanted mage Darglen Hoppenflyner had just moved in near the radio station. I put two and two together and got For. That’s what he said his name was when he brought us the cookies: For Fiverman.

Looking back, it wasn’t the most believable alias, but hey—my full name is Liisphyra Venali Niessa Ilmadia Lyndambar, so who was I to judge?

The Towering Forest rangers requested to use the radio station to stake out Darglen’s tree, so we went off the air and made room for their stakeout. And waited. And waited. Aaaand waited.

Eventually, it became clear that Darglen had been listening to Dear Liisphyra and heard that the rangers were coming. And as much as I love gaining new Liisteners, it did mean that he was never seen leaving his tree after that.

After weeks and weeks of stakeout, the rangers stopped seeing him moving about inside his tree, and a while after that they went to discover that he had managed to leave without being seen, leaving nothing behind. Except some cookies, but no one wanted to eat those.

Oh! Also, our station manager Ruvyn ate a bunch of his cookies, which apparently he uses to enchant people and get them to do his bidding. One of the rangers thinks he wanted to gain access to the radio station for some malicious machination. They had a healer dispel the effects of the enchanted cookies, so we’re pretty sure Ruvyn’s good now. The healer gave us a solid 78% assurance that the enchantment had been lifted.

So the rangers left. And Darglen Hoppenflyner is still at large.

Okay, medium-length story over. Glad to be back! We got a ton of letters during the stakeout, so let’s give some advice. If you need some advice, you can send your letters to “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station.

[rustling paper] This first letter is from Rolla. Rolla writes:

“Dear Liisphyra,

My name is Rolla and I’m a warlock. In order to pledge myself to my patron and gain my warlock powers, I had to promise my firstborn child to my patron. This was an easy agreement to make, seeing as how I don't want to have children.

For that reason, I didn't think that this would ever be a problem. That is, until we got this assignment for one of my classes in school. Each of us were tasked with a sack of hilwis seeds and were told we had to take care of it for a week as if it were a real baby. As soon as I started taking care of my sack of seeds, my warlock patron appeared in a spray of sparks, announcing that they had arrived to collect my first born child.

I tried to explain that it was only a sack of hilwis seeds, but my patron was firm that an agreement was an agreement.  While I'm not particularly devastated by this loss,  I am a little concerned about my grade for this assignment. We were given very specifically-labeled sacks of hilwis seeds, so I can't just go and pick up another one. I'm already not doing very well in this class, so failing this assignment is not ideal. Should I try to reason with my patron again, or just accept that I wasn't able to properly care for my pretend child and take the failing grade?

Thanks,

Rolla.”

I remember doing that assignment in school! My best friend Raedra helped me strap my pretend baby to my body for the majority of the week, because we figured that was the safest way to prevent me from dropping it. Even so, I had a few close calls, one of which almost sent my fake baby flying into the Bogglepit Thicket.

It sounds like your patron is pretty convinced that your agreement is now settled, so, I don’t know if bringing it up with them again will do anything. But it’s kind of good, when you think about it. I mean, even if you're sure that you'll never have children, it's nice to know you don't have that hanging over your head anymore. Especially since it seems like your patron is pretty flexible with the defining terms of your agreement.

For example, someday in the future you might want to adopt a baby goat, and now you know your patron won't show up in a spray of sparks and say, “Well, technically it's a kid!” and whisk it away. So take a moment to congratulate yourself that you can now safely get a baby goat if you wanted!

That's rough about the assignment, though. Hmm…well, sometimes, when I was in school, I would get notes from my moms asking my teachers to excuse me from certain assignments. Mostly just the ones they knew would likely lead to bodily harm to myself and those around me. You know, gym class.

Maybe you can ask your patron to write you a note excusing you from the assignment, and explaining to your teacher what happened. Oh, or, if you don't think that’ll work (either because your teacher won't accept the note, or your patron won't write it), see if you can borrow one of your classmates' hilwis seed babies long enough to have someone cast a duplication charm on it so you can get a new one.  Your teacher will never know the difference!

Also, take a moment to congratulate yourself on setting a new precedent for warlock/patron agreements. Now, anyone who’s in an agreement to hand over their firstborn child knows that all they have to do is start treating a sack of seeds like a real baby.

Of course, I'm not sure how much other warlock patrons will respect this precedent, or even how your own patron will feel after collecting their tenth sack of seeds, but it's still pretty cool nonetheless.

Hope that helps; thanks for writing in!

[rustling paper] Our next letter comes from Yarenne. They write:

“Dear Liisphyra,

I'm going through something I've heard about before, but never experienced myself: a spell block. I'm a wizard, and while it takes some time to learn spells, once I've learned it, I usually don't have any difficulty casting it. However, for the first time since I started casting spells, a spell I’ve cast doesn't appear to be working.

Here's what happened. I went on a date last week, and felt like the person and I had a real connection. At the end of the date, I asked them if I could cast a telepathy spell on them, so that we could talk in our minds whenever we wanted. They said okay, so I cast the spell.

Since then, I've sent the person several mental messages, but haven't been able to get a response. When I ran into them the other day, I asked if they'd been receiving my messages, and they said they hadn't.

I’ve poured over the language of the spell, and I can't figure out where I got it wrong. The only explanation I can come up with is that my magic is getting blocked somehow. So my question is, how can I get over the spell block and get this spell working again?  

Best,

Yarenne”

So…it's totally possible that you’re experiencing a spell block. However, I would ask if this spell block seems to be affecting any other magic you've cast in the meantime. If the answer is no, I would say that something else is probably going on.

While I think it's very sweet that you wanted to continue this connection you felt with this person, offering a telepathic link to them seems a bit…um…intimate, for a first date. My guess is that they politely accepted, because they didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Which could be a good sign! Because if they really disliked you, they probably wouldn't have been concerned about your feelings! But I would say if they didn't broach the idea of going on a second date when you ran into them the other day, it's likely they are receiving your telepathic messages, and are just ignoring them.

I hate being the bearer of bad news. But on the bright side, now you know that offering a telepathic spell to someone might be more of a...fifth date thing. Or a tenth date thing. Or maybe wait until you're in a long-term committed relationship. But don't let this get you down! There are lots of other ways to show your admiration for someone and tell them that you wish to continue seeing them. Maybe just run your idea by some friends first.

Hope that helps; thanks for writing in!

We’re gonna take a quick break, and then we’ll be back to take a call. If you need some advice, just tell your speaking plant to call “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station. But first, a word from our sponsor.

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[music ends]

Liisphyra: Aaaand we’re back, with Dear Liisphyra. And we’ve got a caller on the vine. Hello caller, you’re on the air!

Bruchenne: Hi Liisphyra, thanks for taking my call.

Liisphyra: Thanks for calling! What's your name?

Bruchenne: Well, my real name is Bruchenne.

 Liisphyra: Oh! Like the Great Immortal Sorcerer Bruchenne.

 Bruchenne: Yes actually, exactly like that.

Liisphyra: Wait…are you the Great Immortal Sorcerer Bruchenne?

Bruchenne: My friends just call me Bruchenne.

Liisphyra: Oh my Namrys—

Bruchenne: At least, my old friends did when I used to go by that name. Being an immortal sorcerer, I eventually got to the point where I didn't want to just be known as the Great Immortal Sorcerer Bruchenne. I wanted to see what it was like to live another life. So I changed my name, changed my looks, and started a new life.

Liisphyra: Wow…I knew you’d disappeared off the face of Grevelon a long time ago. So you've just been living under another name this whole time?

Bruchenne: Actually, I've gone by many different names over the years. For those of you listening, if you've ever come across a person who seemed oddly familiar to you but you just couldn't put your finger on it, that was probably me. Surprise!

Liisphyra: So what life are you living currently?

Bruchenne: Well if you don't mind, I think I'll keep that to myself. Don't want the people who know this face to know about my past lives.

Liisphyra: Oh, totally understandable. So how can I help you today?

Bruchenne: Without giving too much away about my current identity, I'm taking some classes at a university. I like to take classes that challenge me, but every once in a while I throw an easy one onto my schedule, just to show off a little.

For that reason, I'm taking a History of Grevelon class. Figured I'd be pretty good at that, since I've lived through a lot of Grevelon’s history. And I've actually learned some new things that I wasn't aware about when they were happening.

My issue is that recently we were split into groups and told to create a presentation on a historical figure. I wanted to do our presentation on Bebenen the Brave-ish. But then, to my surprise, they all decided they wanted to do a presentation on me. Obviously not realizing that the topic of their presentation was sitting at the table with them.

At first I thought this could be pretty fun. I've been conducting my own “research,” which mostly involves digging through my memories and some of the journals I kept. But when I met with my group members to discuss the results of their research, it turns out that the information these books have on me is so dry.

They’re all about my birthplace and how many siblings I had and the locations of all my known residences. Who cares? None of these books talk about the time I downed three fire breathing potions and roasted everyone’s marshmallows at Plona and Plana’s Campfire Lyrepalooza. That's the kind of stuff these kids should be learning about in school.

Liisphyra: I remember learning about you in school. Definitely don't remember you being described as anyone who would attend any kind of…palooza.

Bruchenne: The thing is, we need to cite all of our sources. So I can't just tell them about the time I tightrope-walked across Verreh Canyon with a hive of frizzybees strapped to my back, because none of these boring books have any record of that!

So do I just have to sit through this dry presentation and watch people continue to think that I was just your run-of-the-duplication-spell boring immortal sorcerer? I don't want to tell them who I am, or else I'll have to start school all over again under a different identity. All those credits gone to waste!

Liisphyra: That is a conundrum. What about your journals? Maybe you could say you found them somewhere, and have a historian confirm that they were yours. Then you can use the journals as a source for your presentation.

Bruchenne: Ehh, I thought about that. But I've got some personal stuff in there. As much as I want people to know about the time I surfed a giant wave in Kraken Kove on the back of a dragon scale, they don't necessarily need to know about the time I…you know, let me not talk about that live on a radio show.

Liisphyra: Right, that makes sense. Besides, a discovery like that would probably send waves throughout the historian community, and if any historians listen to this radio show, they'd be able to trace the journals back to you.

Bruchenne: Right.

Liisphyra: Well…what about the reference books your classmates are using?

Bruchenne: Those boring things?

Liisphyra: What if they weren't boring? What if you were able to change them somehow?

Bruchenne: Like with some kind of modification spell?

Liisphyra: Yeah! That kind of spell could be pretty powerful, but maybe you could find someone who could do it for you.

Bruchenne: Or I could just…do it myself.

Liisphyra: Oh Namrys, I forgot who I was speaking to for a moment. Of course, as an immortal sorcerer who has lived for many many years, I'm sure that's something you could easily do yourself.

Bruchenne: Yes it is. But honestly it's refreshing that you didn't immediately assume I could. So if I find a reference book they haven't used yet, I can modify it to include all the cool stuff I've done.

Liisphyra: Exactly!

Bruchenne: That is a great idea. I think I'll do that.

Liisphyra: And maybe, once you’re finished with school and receive your degree, you can take your history into your own hands and publish an autobiography!

Bruchenne: Oo, that's  also a great idea. Hm…I need to take some writing classes. This was great, thanks for the advice.

Liisphyra: Anytime! I’d love a signed copy of your autobiography when you write it.

Bruchenne: Absolutely. Alright, I've gotta go modify a library book. Thank you, Liisphyra,

Liisphyra: Good luck! Thanks for calling!

Bruchenne: Bye bye now.

Liisphyra: Wow. I knew this show had the potential to do big things, but I never thought we’d change history.

After being off the air for so long, forgot how quickly time can fly by while doing this show. I guess that’s all the time we have for today.

Thank you so much for listening to Dear Liisphyra. Next up we have…[shuffling papers] “The gentle clicking of knitting needles by a crackling fire while a two-headed pupskim screams in harmony in the distance.” Hm, had me at the beginning there, lost me by the end. Well, maybe it’s someone else’s cup of pemblefruit juice!

I’ll talk to you all again real soon, but in the meantime, keep your chin up, and…always look for loopholes in your warlock/patron agreements. Bye!

[chill guitar outro theme]

Nicole:

Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra, which was created, written, and edited by Katie Siegel. Liisphyra, the sponsor, and Bruchenne were voiced by Katie Siegel. And I’m Nicole. Hi!

If you enjoy the show and want to help it grow, please take a minute and leave a kind review on the Apple Podcasts app. If you do, Katie will send you a telepathic message telling you how much she appreciates you.

For more Dear Liisphyra, check out @DearLiisphyra on TikTok. You can also follow @DearLiisphyra on Twitter and Instagram. Or don’t, live your life. Bye!