“I’m sorry, sir, could you please repeat that?”
I said that the ‘Sue you and Agent Vemi killed, who went by the name of ‘Al’, appears to have resurfaced. As such, you will be sent back to the Discworld to ensure she dies irrevocably.
Dafydd nodded. “I can’t imagine how she escaped the Auditors...” Then he paused and looked back at the SO. “So I’ll be working with Vemi again?”
The sunflower shifted uncomfortably. That may be a problem. Agents Vemi and Penny are currently on indefinite leave. Their last known location is the Assassins’ Guild in Ankh-Morpork, on the Discworld, but it is possible that they have moved since then. Unless you can persuade them to assist you, you will be working alone.
Dafydd frowned. “Alone? Can’t I take Selene with me?”
The Sunflower Official looked even more unhappy. Unfortunately, official PPC documentation clearly states that an unfinished mission must be finished by the agents who began it. In the absence of Vemi, that means you.
The Pyro sighed heavily. “Fine. Do I have to make another charge list?”
Not for ‘Al’, considering she has already been charged once. However... another character has appeared, going by the name of ‘Sam’. She seems to be a secondary ‘Sue, and as such also needs to be eliminated.
“Great. Just great. I’ll go back to my RC and get it over with, then.”
One more thing, the Sunflower said as Dafydd turned to leave. We would prefer you to operate out of Agent Vemi’s Response Centre for this mission. You will find it open, and the details of the Words as they currently stand within.
“Fine. Great. Bye.”
It was some time later that Agent Dafydd, clad in his usual black, sat under a tree in Hide Park, Ankh-Morpork, considering his next move. His careful inquiries had revealed that Vemi was indeed still residing in the Assassins Guild, but his sudden appearance when she was walking down a corridor had been less than welcome. She had informed him in no uncertain terms that she had severed her ties with the PPC, and would no longer kill without a fee. However, as the bruises he now sported showed, she was perfectly willing to inflict pain, especially when startled.
“I suppose I’m just lucky she didn’t pull one of her daggers out on me,” he muttered, staring up at the sickly yellow leaves. Then he sighed. “At least she agreed to help me get rid of Miss ‘Sue if I did pay. Ah, well. I guess I’m alone on this one.”
He rose, pulled out the Remote Activator and, to the complete astonishment of the four thieves moving stealthily towards him, vanished through a portal.
“So my car’s been ripping reality this whole time and I just never noticed?”
IT APPEARS SO. APPARENTLY THE SEVERITY OF THE RIP DEPENDS ON HOW BADLY THE ENGINE SPUTTERS.
“Ow ow ow,” muttered Dafydd, quickly taking two Bleeprin tablets. “Death and car-talk do not mix.” He turned to ask Vemi to add it to the charge list, then recalled that Vemi wasn’t there, and furthermore that he had no need of a charge list. “Well, that’s one good thing,” he muttered.
He suffered through the next few lines of bad humour and other irritating ‘Sueness, and then almost screamed as ‘Sue Two, aka Sam, appeared and was perfectly happy about doing so.
“Stupid stupid sub-‘Sues and their stupid stupid websites,” he muttered, then started scribbling charges. In the meantime, the second ‘Sue babbled about computers, the dead father from the previous mission, and then…
DO YOU HAVE A PLAN?
“Of course! I looked it up before I came here.”
“What? No, no, and most emphatically no!” The two ‘Sues and one anthropomorphic personification looked round as the assassin stepped out of the shadows and grabbed Sam by the throat. “Sam from modern earth, in the name of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum you are charged with having impossible knowledge, crossing dimensions without a suitable method, being completely unfazed by Death, having hideously stupid ideas, annoying PPC agents, causing me to have to come back, alone, to deal with you, and being a Mary Sue. And as for you,” he turned and grabbed hold of Al with his other arm, “you are absolutely the most annoying thing in creation. Why couldn’t you just die?”
“W-what are you going to do to us?” asked Sam.
“Oh, didn’t I mention? You are sentenced to death, ‘Sue, and good riddance.” With that, he whacked the pair over the head with the hilt of his sword and dumped them to the floor. As he reached for the Remote Activator, he looked over at Death, who still hadn’t moved. “Sorry about this, sir. They’ll be away soon.”
GOOD, replied the animate skeleton. THEY WERE BECOMING ANNOYING.
Dafydd grinned as he opened a portal to the Assassins’ Guild. “It’s all taken care of.” Dragging the pair with him, he stepped through.
Dumping the two in a corner of a little used courtyard, he reached into his pocket and pulled out two Ankh-Morpork dollars. Placing one on the forehead of each ‘Sue, he grabbed a pen and paper and wrote a quick note.
Vemi,
I hope this is sufficient fee for you. These ‘Sues need to be terminated as soon as possible. I enclose a copy of the charge list, so that you may determine the appropriate method.
I doubt I’ll be on the Disc again, but you are welcome to visit HQ at any time. I--
There he paused. He’d been in their RC, and knew that the pair had left all their equipment in HQ. There was no way for them to get back, unless an agent opened a portal for them. So really, he only had one choice.
I’ve left my Remote Activator here, for if you wish to return home at any point. Stay safe, and don’t get yourself killed.
Dafydd
He glanced down at his watch. The time he’d arranged for Vemi to meet him was only about two minutes away. In fact, he could hear her footsteps coming now, too light for human ears to detect. It was time to leave.
Dafydd opened the portal and stepped through. Poking his head back, he dropped the Remote Activator between the two ‘Sues, right next to the note. As Vemi came around the corner, Dafydd stepped fully into her old Response Centre and flicked a switch on the console, deactivating the portal.
“Well, that’s that. I guess I’d better go and tell Makes-Thinks I need a new RA.”
Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Al and Death: The Continuing/Complete Adventures belongs to W.H. Woolhat, and is quoted, paraphrased and dissected here for the purposes of parody and humour; no claim of ownership is made by Huinesoron or any other members of the PPC.
Archivist’s Note: This particular 'Sue was a thorn in DOGA's side, which is why she had to die twice. After the first time, she - or rather, her author, although she doesn't bother to distinguish between the two - managed to bring down half of the old DOGA siteplex [in June 2004], which is why we now use alternate means. When it was discovered that she'd continued her 'adventures', there was no real choice but to take her down. This was one of Dafydd's most personally satisfying missions. ~Terri Ryan, DOGA Archivist
Al and Death: The Complete Adventures
by W.H. Woolhat
Published: May-Jun 2004
Timeline: May 2004