For 3 years, I’ve been thinking about how to write this.
Perhaps the news flooding my social networks made me realize how to put into words what I’m about to tell you.
I’ve talked about being a victim/survivor of sexual assault in different occasions and different articles, I’ve made reference to this episode in some Medium posts. But now, knowing what different women have suffered within our tech community all over the world, it is very clear to me that the problem is not only men preying on women using their money, fame or positions to think they wouldn’t be held accountable of their actions. The problem is also how we deal and address this issues (abuse and harassment) within our smaller, local tech communities, where given the chance to take a stance against it, nothing was done.
In that year, on a trip to Brazil, I was a sexual abuse victim.
This episode was particularly painful, because it wasn’t only about IT, it was perpetrated by someone, that I, until that moment, held dear to my heart, as a friend, almost like a brother, his name: Jhon Cortés.
What we both have in common is that we are part of the Startup Weekend community, we’ve been part of it for a while and I knew that besides dealing with the trauma he caused me -assault that he denied the very next day and he alleged wasn’t able to remember, in his apology he mentioned that he has a sister and a girlfriend, like if any of those things would magically erase what he did-, I would have to deal with the fact, that given our common stuff, at some moment, I’ll see him again.
When we got to Brasilia, I decided without further thinking and without a plan, removed myself from the group, because on my emotional state there was no way I could keep acting like nothing happened, I couldn’t stand seeing him and other person who was a witness (Lamprea is his last name), and who did nothing to help me.
I was stranded on a city where I didn’t know anybody. Two volunteers who were working at the airport, Louraci and Ana, helped me when I talked with them about what happened to me just few days ago. Louraci hugged me, she couldn’t believe it and her reaction was to introduced me to Ana, who very kindly offered me to stay in her apartment. And that is how I spent almost 2 weeks living with a 70 year-old lady in Brasilia. After that, I flew to Natal to visit a friend I studied with in England 5 years ago, and my adventure in Brazil had a positive outcome in the end. Except for the nightmares, my lost of appetite (and weight), the panic attacks and insomnia, finally I was finding myself on a good spot with wonderful people and emotional support, which I think it was the key for my recovery.
Months went by, and I got an invitation to mentor a vertical event on a Startup Weekend Mega in Manizales, Colombia. It would be something as a summit for facilitators, organizers and mentors. I accepted immediately.
I knew deep down, that there was a possibility to see him again, but I focused on the “big picture”, there would be hundreds of people in the event, I would be able to ignore him. When I got to Manizales, that night there was an outdoor activity, I decided to go and say hello to some friends I hadn’t seen in a while, suddenly I heard “hola”, it was his voice, it was him. I panicked and left the group really distressed and having a crisis. I made a choice to confront him. Waited for him by the bus stop where the group had to return to. When he passed by, I pulled him and told him that I didn’t want him to say hello, to wave me, that I didn’t want to see him, otherwise I would tell everybody what he did. He agreed. I guess in that moment I was only thinking about my own feelings, that I didn’t want to have him close, but at the same time I didn’t want the event to turn into a “show”, because a million thoughts ran through my head “people is going to judge ME” “he said, she said” “people won’t believe it” “I was the one to blame”, etc.
He stuck to his word, even avoiding spaces where I was, and for me, that was enough… in that moment.
We had Techstars Summit in Guadalajara, Mexico. Again, a space where I would see the person who assaulted me. This time, I decided to explain to the Regional Manager, the reason I didn’t want to share any activities with Jhon Cortés. I was clear: “he sexually assaulted me, and I don’t want to have anything to do with him”. Thought that would be enough for the organization to take matters into their own hands, I thought they were not only doing that, but that somehow my confession and declaration would entail some kind of sanction, but no. Nothing happened.
I recognize that the Regional Manager, when Jhon arrived to the event, pulled him apart, and apparently arranged something so we didn’t have to share group activities, as I asked. But after Guadalajara’s Summit, I found out Jhon was (or still is) being part of Startup Weekend community. Even tho’ I blocked him from my social networks, occasionally I run into pictures of him with some friends of mine we had in common, on SW events, hackathons and such.
And it is this what leads me to think that harassment, abuse and how we address this, is a serious problem in our community; if we decide to speak up, something MIGHT happen, perhaps we will feel safe for a while, but then, nothing, turn the next page and start a new chapter. We know rapists, abusers and harassers by name and last name, but it doesn’t change things, because our community behave towards them as if they broke a glass in a party: clean it and forget about it.
I write this because I think it is fair that in a society who has failed to held men accountable of their behaviors, the least we can have as victims and as survivors is our voices. Yes, some might deem us as crazy ones or liars, some people won’t believe our stories, or some might try to blame it on us, I know some people won’t believe me, but I don’t write this for you to believe me, I write this for other women to know they are not alone, that even when it took me 3 years to say the name of the man who raped me, I was able to do it because many other women in our tech community have said: we’ve had enough of this behavior.
About Techstars reaction, I can’t say much, because my message about all this was a brief, personal conversation with Alex Santana; perhaps I could have escalated the message when I saw nothing was done with Jhon, but it is very difficult to put time and effort into something that at the same time you are trying to leave behind you. For me, it was enough he kept him away from me, that he didn’t interact with me. But now that you know, I do hope that situations like mine, if ever happened or happen in the future, can be handled in a professional way. I will always keep Startup Weekend close to my heart, and I’ll keep being part of the community cause I do believe in what we do and the impact we have all over the world. One decision of one of his members, doesn’t speak for the whole organization, and even when my relation with Alex kept the same or normal, I feel he could do more. I’m aware that even in organizations as big as Techstars, they lack of protocols and proper training that help their employees to know how to deal with serious accusations against its own volunteers, and I already offered my help to collaborate with them to design and build a plan to give response and know-how-to-act with similar events or situations.
We all can bring something positive and new to the table, and I believe it is time to stop believing “this is not our business”, because, if it attacks someone’s integrity -physical and emotional-, it should be our business, and we should think and rethink: What are we doing for this to be different?
Follow me on Twitter: @aleximenez