Reasons Not to Get Pregnant/Have a Child

Credit: z00mi.e

PREGNANCY REASONS:

1. A child will burst out through your vagina

2. Your vagina might rip in two

3. Your vagina can rip all the way to your asshole (or you can get permanent nerve pain if you get a c-section)

4. Have to pee all the fucking time

5. Your titties will get engorged & hurt

6. Your titties will inflate but later deflate & look like banana peels

7. Fetus exhibits parasitic behavior in regard to the woman

8. You can be allergic to pregnancy

9. You can get rashes on your body

10. Morning sickness 24/7

11. Your hips can be sore for life

12. Your legs can swell up the size of 2 potato sacks

13. Sometimes you cannot have sex for a year or more

14. Bellybutton hernia (both baby & mother)

15. Brown marks all over the body

16. Can get more hairy (hair grows everywhere)

17. Pregnancy can go wrong & you can die (especially in Texas)

18. Epidurals can go wrong & you can die

19. You can lose your abs

20. Your hair can fall out (like severely)

21. Your actual nails can fall out

22. Your teeth can fall out

23. The umbilical cord can get stuck (inside and outside uterus - can kill fetus & mother)

24. Your placenta can get left inside your vagina & kill you (hemorrhage)

25. Surgery equipment can get left inside your vagina

26. You can have constant fever during pregnancy

27. UTIs during & after pregnancy

28. Constant back pain, even after pregnancy

29. Bleeding gums/Gingivitis caused by pregnancy

30. Constipation during & after pregnancy

31. Diarrhea during & after pregnancy

32. Gas & bloating during pregnancy

33. Shitting yourself while pregnant

34. Shitting yourself during delivery

35. Acne breakouts all over body

36. Hemorrhoids caused by pregnancy that don’t go away

37. Fatigued all the time

38. Varicose veins

39. Pressure/pain on the hips & pelvis area

40. Swollen ankles

41. Whole body can swell

42. Irregular periods after birth

43. Your nipples get blisters

44. High blood pressure for life

45. Can’t eat what you want during pregnancy

46. Infections during birth (you can die from it)

47. Can gain extreme weight or lose extreme weight

48. Stretch marks everywhere

49. Shoe size increases

50. Higher risk of diabetes

51. Your coochie changes shape

52. Hurts when you sit after pregnancy

53. Miscarriages when trying to conceive (which can also kill you)

54. They can kick your intestines while pregnant

55. They can bruise or breaks your ribs

56. C-section gone wrong (left with severe issues or even death)

57. Everyone will know you did the nasty

58. Your vagina will be engorged

59. At least 10 strangers will look at your engorged vagina

60. Baby can choke on its own feces while coming out(can die)

61. Your vagina burns when you pee

62. Your butt can go flat like a pancake

63. Can still get period during pregnancy

64. Nails can get ugly/dead after pregnancy

65. You may be told to get the Husband Stitch (F THAT)

66. Develop Pyogenic Granuloma (raspberry-like gum tissue growths between their teeth)

67. Develop gallstones

68. Yeast infections

69. Sciatic nerve pain

70. You can rip your clit during birth

71. You can go blind (yes, it’s true)

72. Develop ovarian cysts

73. Develop Plantar Fasciitis

74. Develop chronic dry mouth

75. Your nipple can fall off (seriously)

76. Odor for weeks that helps baby "find you"

77. You can break your tailbone if you push too hard

78. 2 years for your organs to go back to their original placement after birth

79. You can die during childbirth

80. You can pass your family’s illnesses on to your child

81. The world sucks already

82. The world is overpopulated

83. Your nipples stretch and get long with milking

84. You could end up having to have someone’s arm elbow deep in you to pull out the placenta to stop a hemorrhage

85. Fetus can poop inside you & if they ingest it, they can have future breathing issues

86. Your LABIA can rip off during childbirth

BABY/KID REASONS:

1. Wake up every 2 hours due to crying/screaming

2. Your titties will wake you up too

3. They will learn how to curse at you

4. They'll work as hard as possible to leave you (as a baby, child, teen, & adult)

5. Random tantrums

6. They poop & you have to change them

7. They pee & you have to change them

8. They will have diarrhea & you have to change them

9. Exploding poop (can get on your face, in your mouth, etc)

10. They will vomit on you multiple times at once & get on your face or in your mouth

11. You will not have a social life

12. They can threaten to kill you or will kill you

13. They spit on you (unintentionally)

14. They spit on you (intentionally)

15. They don't sleep when you need to sleep (sleep deprivation)

16. Daycare/babysitting is expensive

17. Screaming everywhere (grocery store, restaurant, plane, etc)

18. They will throw food at you

19. They will throw toys at you

20. They will sit on your face & fart (you can get pinkeye)

21. They will poke your eyes

22. They will pull on your earrings & can rip them out

23. They will ruin your favorite clothes

24. You have to sign up the kid to school

25. Clothes are expensive

26. Food is expensive

27. School supplies are expensive

28. Doctor’s appointments are expensive

29. Insurance for the child is expensive

30. Holiday gifts are expensive

31. Have to pretend to be Santa Clause early on Christmas

32. Your house will turn into a childcare facility

33. You can’t take them everywhere

34. Have to know what shots they need to have (costs money)

35. They will call you ugly

36. They are brutally honest even in public

37. They sneeze on your face (boogers can shoot into your eyes & mouth

38. They cough on your face

39. They will eat your food, not their own that you spent time preparing bc they asked for it

40. Your baby daddy might leave you (left to parent by yourself)

41. Child can get infections (more money)

42. They always lose one shoe/one sock

43. You always have to carry & bring extra bags

44. They get sick (more money)

45. A lot of food on the floor

46. Have to help them w/their confusing new-style math homework

47. You have to carry around a heavy-ass car seat

48. You need to buy 3 different car seats in their lifetime (more money)

49. Will make you go do things outside even when you don’t want to

50. Have to know when to size up w/diapers

51. They can get bullied

52. They can be a bully

53. Can break a bone or get hurt (more money/bills)

54. Can get electrocuted (deal w/crying or medical bill)

55. They will break your favorite things

56. They will shove tiny things up all their face holes (more money/bills)

57. They will snitch on you

58. Kid can come out looking ugly af

59. They bite

60. $600-$800 a month for daycare PER child

61. Cannot spontaneously get a camper to save more money because space is way too tight

62. They may poop somewhere & you may eat it thinking it’s chocolate

63. They may chew and spit out Oreos to make a “chocolate drink” & have you taste it

64. Kid may continuously leave bite marks on your walls & you have to sand & repaint them

65. Kid may slash your car tires because they don’t want to go to school

66. Kid may press on fridge water dispenser flooding & ruining your floor

67. Kid may order thousands of dollars from your phone

68. Toddler may get eggs & crush them in your bed

69. Kid may put their toys in the toilet

70. Toddler may quite literally sit inside the dirty toilet bowl

Reasons to never have kids

CREDIT TO: @its.mee.rylee

1. I don’t want kids.
2. I know I shouldn’t have kids
3. My sister says I shouldn’t have kids
4. I hate children
5. Clothes are expensive
6. Medical bills are expensive
7. Cars are expensive
8. Car seats and strollers are expensive
9. Electronics are expensive
10. Diapers are expensive
11. More food is expensive
12. Toys are expensive
13. College is expensive
14. Childcare is expensive
15. Just having a hospital room to give birth in is expensive
16. My body will be fucked up
17. Woken up throughout the night / no sleep
18. They’re sticky
19. They throw food
20. They throw things
21. They bite everything
22. They touch everything
23. They’re loud
24. They’re messy
25. I don’t have the patience
26. I have to make sure they’re not mentally ill
27. I’m too much like my mother
28. I don’t think I’ll ever heal from my own trauma and issues
29. I’m supposed to end my family’s bloodline
30. Walmart Temper tantrums
31. Temper tantrums in general
32. They might be stupid
33. They might be boring
34. They might have no talents
35. They cry over everything
36. They just say random shit
37. They lie all the time
38. They have no remorse
39. I have to potty train them
40. I have to change their diapers
41. I have to get rid of spiders and bugs for THEM
42. They could turn out to be racist bigots
43. They could be serial killers
44. They could be rapists
45. They could be allergic to animals
46. They could be allergic to peanuts
47. They could be picky eaters
48. Children are so fucking stupid
49. They’re the weakest links
50. Giving birth could literally kill me
51. Just being pregnant could kill me
52. I could give birth to a stillborn then the pregnancy is worth nothing
53. The mental trauma of that
54. Postpartum depression
55. They injure themselves so easily
56. They scream all the time for no reason
57. They’re so dramatic
58. They could die before me
59. The world can’t handle two of me
60. Morning sickness
61. Morning sickness so bad a tooth could break
62. They run around restaurants and stores
63. They break things
64. They sneeze and cough without covering their mouths
65. They run away from you any chance they get
66. Biting during breastfeeding
67. They kill animals
68. They hit and grab at animals
69. They get scared too easy
70. They take up too much space
71. They’re not even cute
72. Epidural could paralyze me
73. My nipples will dry and bleed during breastfeeding
74. They throw things at you
75. They poke your eyes
76. My clit could rip
77. No time to myself
78. Clots in nipples
79. They could get pregnant or get someone pregnant at 13
80. More severe pregnancy brain
81. The hormones
82. They’re impatient as hell
83. Piñatas
84. Kids don’t understand logic
85. They don’t listen
86. I have to wake up early to take them to school
87. Possible pac-man ears
88. They’re selfish
89. They spill every drink
90. They want to feed you plastic food
91. You can sweat blue?!
92. You have to birth the placenta too
93. They’ll cut you bangs in your sleep
94. They’ll chop your hair in your sleep
95. Screaming in car
96. They don’t go to sleep
97. I don’t want to subject them to all the horrors of the world
98. The world will probably be uninhabitable by the time they’re actually able to enjoy it
99. They could get shot in school
100. They could shoot up a school
101. Racism still exists
102. Sexism still exists
103. I’ll have no freedom
104. The world is already overpopulated, I will not add to the problem
105. They play in and eat dirt
106. They hit dogs and then the dogs get in trouble when it defends itself
107. They bury themselves in sand at the beach
108. They stick random things in their mouths
109. Peanut butter baby
110. They’ll cover themselves with paint
111. Covering themselves with butter
112. And dump glitter everywhere WHILE LOOKING AT YOU
113. My relationship with my so could fall apart
114. They kick sand at you at the beach
115. They have no concept of personal space
116. I can’t even handle kids for 4 hours so how could I handle them for 24 hours a day
117. Adolescent egocentrism
118. They run over cats with lawn mowers
119. They bother other people
120. They run around stores without shoes
121. Baby powder EVERYWHERE
122. Stupid questions
123. They shit on the floor then lie about it
124. They talk too much
125. They dump buckets of water on cats
126. They don’t look where they’re going
127. They bump into you and spill your drink
128. A gang of 13 year olds offered to impregnate a 20 year old
129. They follow strangers
130. My tits will sag
131. Defacing a 230 year old statue with crayons
132. First hand and second hand embarrassment from their stupid shit
133. Holding the water dispenser down on the fridge and flooding the kitchen
134. Screaming on planes
135. They’re bipolar
136. I want a relationship like my parents have
137. Pushing strollers around
138. They eat crayons
139. They eat glue sticks
140. Walking through groups speaking loudly and turning around to laugh at them
141. Your pelvic floor can collapse after birth
142. They stare at other people
143. Annabelle.
144. They ruin gender reveals
145. Pets are better
146. PICKY AF
147. They stand in front of bikes in the bike lane
148. They kick the backs of seats on planes
149. They kick the backs of seats in cars
150. Screaming for the entirety of an 8 hour flight
151. Falling asleep while eating Nesquik mix
152. America sucks
153. Stealing a swan and her babies
154. Eating the swan
155. Being stupid enough to think it was a duck
156. They might want a mullet or a bowl cut
157. They just shove people
158. They staple their friend’s arm
159. Screaming and talking in movie theaters
160. We won’t have clean water in 17 years
161. They try to open shops when there’s a sign that says they’re closed
162. They can poop inside you
163. And if they ingest the poop then they can have breathing problems in the future
164. The fetus can dig their nails into your uterus
165. Pregnancy can cause nevus sebaceous
166. They litter
167. Wheelying with bikes thinking they’re the shit
168. Babies can’t drink water. That's just stupid.
169. They scare you and make you drop all your coffee
170. They just leave things lying around
171. They pick their nose and eat it
172. They suck their thumb which is just gross
173. If they suck on their thumb too much they’ll get buck teeth
174. They accidentally call the cops
175. Constantly screaming for your attention
176. Underage drinking and driving
177. ZERO spatial awareness
178. They get lost
179. Ice cream in hair
180. Moaning/weird noises
181. They pee the bed
182. I have to clean that up
183. They throw up in the middle of the night
184. I have to clean that up
185. Epileptic throw ups
186. Making you fall off a ladder and dump paint all over you
187. They pull at your hair and clothes
188. They drool
189. They spit up on you
190. They lock themselves in safes
191. History teachings are whitewashed
192. They take things without asking
193. Paint everywhere
194. Hair tourniquets
195. They get sick so easily
196. How am I supposed to hold things if I’m always holding a baby??
197. They cough so gross
198. They cough like the cat meme
199. They don’t just sit normally. or still.
200. Sperm can alter your dna in pregnancy
201. 16+ hour labor
202. Chewing on hair
203. Your vagina stretches big enough to fit a watermelon
204. They lie on the public floor
205. They hold their breaths long enough to pass out when they don’t get what they want
206. Maternity leave is practically nonexistent
207. I can’t pick up and go wherever I want without them
208. I wouldn’t even be able to abort it if I needed to
209. They’re snitches
210. Susceptible to pinworm
211. SARDINES AND CRACKERS
212. Talking with their mouth full
213. Babies were just INSIDE SOMEONE
214. You can get DIABETES from pregnancy??
215. Buckling them in the car while it’s pouring so you get drenched
216. Stupid fears (cotton balls???)
217. They could like the father better
218. Shitting on you after birth
219. They get possessed
220. They make secret languages
221. Not following rules
222. Hitting others in the head with golf clubs
223. Birth defects that make them suffer
224. Chronic diseases
225. Thalidomide/drug mix up
226. Paul Dolan’s research states that single, childless women are happier, healthier, and live longer
227. They’re violent
228. Drawing pictures of all their classmates dead
229. Saying school shootings are “cool”
230. If u don’t have kids u won’t end up in a cabin where you would have to sacrifice one another in order to save the world
231. Playing in the toilet
232. Playing with poop
233. Coming to me with poop on their fingers
234. It’s so hard to even put shoes on when you’re pregnant bc the belly gets in the way
235. They could just murder me in my sleep
236. They could offer me up to get sacrificed
237. The “husband stitch”
238. Biting your face
239. Bathing expensive electronics
240. You age faster
241. Inducing pregnancy with a WATER BALLOON?!
242. I refuse to create more american taxpayers
243. The uncomfortableness of telling everyone you’re pregnant
244. Installing games on my account that charge me hundreds of dollars
245. Screaming bloody murder bc someone touched the elf on the shelf
246. Waking up to that and thinking someone died just to find out it was because of THAT
247. Blowing out my birthday candles
248. Not being able to understand the babble phase
249. Mastitis
250. Pooping while birth
251. Pushing for hours
252. Holding your legs up the entire time
253. Holding yourself up with your arms then getting sore/swollen arms
254. Taking off their poopy diaper then sitting on your face
255. After being shot multiple times, it was a toddler who killed Vito Corleone
256. Babies are BIG and I’d have to push that out of me?!!
257. Birth can cause a stroke
258. They might have to cut your vagina open if it doesn’t tear or spread enough
259. Snot bubbles out of their nose which is just gross
260. Then I have to wipe it which is even more gross
261. You have to occupy kids at all times, even when I’m in the shower
262. Super gluing their eyes shut
263. Peeing on me
264. Constantly screaming
265. A kid bit his teacher’s artery open in her wrist and almost killed her
266. Coughing Lou goes into people’s mouths
267. They steal lights
268. Your feet grow
269. Picking diaper and eating shit
270. Cutting their own hair
271. Reaching into the toilet and flinging pissy shitty toilet water everywhere and all over themselves  
272. The preteen and teenager stages
273. I would commit genocide for my kid and I don’t think that’s good for the human race
274. Post pregnancy belly
275. Abs splitting
276. Pulling my placenta out by the umbilical cord feeling like velcro
277. That hurting worse than the delivery
278. The placenta feeling like the size of a medium handbag
279. You can feel them moving your insides during a c-section
280. The sound of the doctors “cleaning you out”
281. Episiotomy
282. Episiotomies sound like cutting jeans
283. Why chainsaws were invented
284. Tearing UPWARDS
285. Excruciating pain peeing after that
286. Nerve damage and feeling nothing after that
287. The epidural needle goes SO DEEP
288. Epidural liquid can leave spine and go to brain
289. When your water breaks, you feel every movement the baby makes
290. They climb into claw machines then have to get rescued
291. You’re always the DD and have to deal with drunk people bc you can’t drink when preggo
292. Your belly can get HUUUGGEEE like it looks like you’re having triplets
293. Postpartum hair loss
294. Screaming directly into your ear
295. Making sparks with silverware at restaurants
296. You need car seats and strollers for travel
297. Climbing on the oven then it opens
298. I could have sextuplets
299. They leave handprints on windows
300. Spontaneously taking their clothes off
301. Bullies are so horrendous nowadays, it’s criminal
302. Bullies putting peanuts in their locker if they’re allergic
303. They talk over you
304. They interrupt
305. They can move your rib cage in a c-section
306. They stay obsessed with your boobs long after breastfeeding
307. They steal seats on planes
308. Demanding to sit in laps during meals
309. Fetuses can throw tantrums
310. Wiping food on your clothes
311. They rip doorknobs off then lock you in the room thinking it’s funny
312. Fetuses can calcify and feel like a bladder stone
313. Hangs on doors and misaligns them
314. They throw tantrums and destroy finished puzzles
315. They lick fish tanks
316. They climb into aquarium tanks
317. I might carry the Alzheimer’s gene
318. The daughter takes the mom’s beauty
319. The baby can invert the uterus and pull out organs with it
320. Babies can be born with organs on the outside
321. Babies can be born with the umbilical cord around their neck
322. They have to cut the umbilical cord
323. The sound of that
324. Poop can explode out of their diaper and up their shirt
325. Non-stop gargling in restaurants
326. They drag dogs by their paws
327. Separated pelvis
328. They stand on booths in restaurants
329. Learning instruments
330. Taking my food just to take my food and not even eat it
331. Terrorizing the pets
332. Amniotic fluid can POUR out of you
333. They lock you out of rooms
334. They pee on you on purpose when they’re mad
335. They manipulate and only apologize when they want something, not bc they’re actually apologetic
336. I will never have a moment of peace and quiet ever again
337. Teaching them to swim
338. Umbilical cord detaches and fetus stops growing
339. They shoot teachers
340. They’re just so violent for no reason
341. Stepping on dogs’ tails after being told how to pet it then trying to shove through the gate
342. Emergency early c-section which can stop oxygen to the brain and put me in a vegetative state if I survive
343. They open your presents and ruin it
344. Constantly digging at the uterus
345. Biting tables
346. They take all your intestines out while you’re awake during a C-section
347. They keep kittens from their moms
348. I wouldn’t even be able to take 10 mins alone to shower
349. They smash your face into cake that has rods in it so you have to get neurosurgery and can lose an eye
350. They bury money
351. They bury adult toys then the dog digs it up
352. They crawl all over you while sleeping (worse than cats)
353. Your asshole can come out
354. They sing creepily
355. The baby can give you hand foot mouth and your nails can fall off
356. Possessions
357. Your toenails can fall off
358. All intestines fall down after birth
359. 9 months of period blood will occur after birth
360. Hemorrhoids
361. Can’t control bladder anymore
362. Your teeth can fall out
363. Skin tags?
364. Ending up with diseases you didn’t have before pregnancy
365. Contractions don’t stop after birth of baby, the only stop after the placenta
366. Your feet can grow two sizes
367. Broken tail bones
368. Body temperature deregulates
369. Intense nightmares due to high cortisol while preggo
370. Constant gum bleeding
371. Postpartum depression/anxiety can last years
372. You have to wait after you get off the plane for strollers
373. They spit in your mouth
374. Hellp syndrome
375. Jaundice
376. Liver/health issues for life
377. They throw mangoes at houses and break windows
378. They steal your car at 7 y/o for a slushie and almost wreck it
379. They steal your makeup
380. You have to pay to hold your baby after birth
381. You have to pee out clots after birth
382. You have to wear a huge pad and ice pack and numbing spray
383. You get sick when they get sick
384. They spill nail glue all over you
385. Kids now don’t know how to act like kids, they want to grow up so fast
386. They want to wear full faces of makeup and wear crop tops with booty shorts in elementary school
387. Melasma mustache
388. You can gain 60 lbs during pregnancy
389. They rub slime into carpet
390. You can’t listen to the music you want to listen to in the car
391. They’re greedy
392. Constipation
393. Children don’t have KNEECAPS?!!!! Until 10-12 years old??? That’s just freaky
394. I don’t want to live my life for someone else
395. They stab teachers in the eye and the teacher loses the eye
396. Breastfeeding accident caused a woman to lose an eye???
397. When they’re under a month old, if they have an unexplained fever, they have to get an automatic lumbar puncture
398. Too much epidural can make it feel like you’re not breathing and dying
399. Pregnancy nose
400. They destroy your makeup
401. They destroy expensive things
402. THEY KNOW WHEN THEY’RE DOING IT
403. Doctors will give you a bunch of drugs then rush a C-section just for convenience
404. A wound the size of a dinner plate in your uterus after birth
405. I have to fill out forms for them
406. Doctors can cut your kidney during c-section
407. Doctors can leave surgical instruments in your body after sewing you back up
408. Lost limbs due to flesh eating bacteria and medical negligence
409. Getting puked on
410. I have 409 reasons to never have children and not a single reason to have children