Inside The Home

Chapter 1: Your feelings

Inside the home,

You feel alone. You feel that the only person who understands your struggle is yourself. Inside the home, you and your family are the only people who truly see the events that unfold in your house. You see all the good, you see all the bad. The good seems to outweigh the bad. For whatever reason, be it children, be it finances, be it simply out of the fact that you love the “real” person you fell in love with, you have decided to stay.

Inside the home, you’ve made a family. You’ve made a life for yourself, and even though the foundation seems to be crumbling, you are determined to keep the home standing. You have put so much sweat equity into your relationship to keep it going. All of the fights, all of the long nights alone crying, all of the makeups after breaking up, is all precious time and energy you can never get back. You have put your soul into this relationship. You have sacrificed yourself for this relationship.

It’s so hard to give up when you feel you have given the relationship everything. It’s so hard to give up when you can see a future with your partner perfectly, if only they changed. If only the saw it your way and stopped their toxic behavior. If only they realized that the only thing that can save the relationship is couples’ therapy. All they have to do is one thing, and the life you have worked so hard towards would suddenly be tangible.

“If only we could get along. If only we could raise our children together and coparent properly. If only they would see the error in their ways and treat me better. Then our lives would be perfect.”

Oh, how we wish our lives could be perfect. Oh, how we wish WE could be perfect.

You have never loved anyone the way you have loved them. They are the love of your life, your soul mate, your twin flame. You were destined to be together. You fit together in so many ways. Perhaps you have the same interests. The same morals. You love the way they laugh when they are happy. It makes you happy. You love the way they feel against you at night, and the warmth of their body. The sounds they make when they are asleep. You love everything about them, because you have bonded with them to the point where you can’t see life without them.

        If you have children, you may love the mother or father inside of your partner. You can see them light up when they play with the children. You see how hard they work towards taking care of the children. You don’t want to take a parent away from the children. That thought brings you immense guilt, so you continue to carry on for their sake. Because if you could simply work out your differences, then you can give your child/ren everything they’ve always wanted. The idea of living in poverty scares you. The weight and responsibility of being the sole provider whom keeps a roof over the head of your family is scary to you.

        After all, you did this together. You made your life together. How could you possibly achieve such a feat alone? If you stay at home for any reason, simply because you are a caretaker of the home or a stay-at-home parent, it makes the task of leaving even more daunting. You may have no savings. You may not have your own bank account. With no work history or job history, you can’t secure housing. You know you could stay at a shelter. If you’re lucky, you could possibly stay with a family member or friend. But for how long? How long will you have to go without the struggles of comfort, of a place to call your own? It’s a terrifying thought, so you stay.

        You stay and wonder how long you can handle it. Some days are great, and some days are not so great. Some days feel like heaven, and other days you feel like you’re in an inescapable hell. Violence in the home does not run on a schedule. You could be fine for over a year, and then the next year you are suddenly fighting for what feels like every other day. Then the year after, you have made up and are fine again. Perhaps they were never abusive for the first couple years, well after you have bonded and got to know them. And then suddenly, one night, they pushed you. Or verbally abused you by calling you names. And you wonder where it came from, because that wasn’t he person you fell in love with.

        They need help, you tell yourself. They need help even though you know you need help too. The world feels like it’s closing around you, and you don’t know who to trust. You want to protect the person you know that you’re in love with. You want to protect your family from outside judgement. You want to protect yourself from judgement too. Because it’s easy for those outside of your home to tell you to leave. They didn’t see all the good things about your relationship or marriage. They have no idea what the good qualities of your partner are. Maybe they didn’t like your partner from the start, and you feel that they are looking for a reason to start pushing you out of that relationship.

        So, you may try to keep everything it all a secret. Especially if your culture is less accepting of domestic violence and believe that one act of abuse is enough to warrant the entire relationship ending. It’s easy for them to tell you to leave, because they’re not living in it. It’s easy for them to tell you what to do, because either they have done it or know someone who has done it. We have all heard a story about someone strong enough to pick up all the pieces and rebuild alone. But what if we don’t feel confident enough to do that?

Inside The Home

Chapter 2: The Reality

        It’s hard to admit when you’re wrong about something. It’s hard to admit that, no matter how hard you try or how hard you want it, you cannot change it. It’s hard to admit failure, because a failed marriage in the eyes of society equals bad choices.

“You should have picked someone better.”

“You should have left sooner.”

“You shouldn’t have had kids with them.”

“You should have known.”

        Voices that carry throughout our lives, that make us feel horrible about ourselves. People who don’t have the emotional empathy to understand why someone puts up with certain things in relationship are often the ones that make us want to stay even more. We don’t want them to be right. We don’t want ourselves to feel like we made a mistake. I’m here to tell you that the only mistake you are making is not loving yourself enough to ignore the voices and put yourself first.

        You don’t just leave a Domestic abuse relationship. You have to plan it out. You have to take the steps, no matter how small, to work towards self-sufficiency, and it will only happen if you believe in yourself. A toxic relationship sucks all of your self esteem out of you, which means the first step is regaining that confidence through therapy. Talking to someone, and having them separate the real you from the you that you have become in order to save your relationships that is doomed for failure. A therapist will help you point out what you are doing right and what you may be doing wrong. A therapist will help you take the necessary steps to create a better life that will serve you better.

        No one thrives in the chaos of domestic abuse. No one thrives when they are with someone who continuously demeans them. No one has ever made something of themselves by staying in an environment that is wrong for them. To thrive, you need support and people who believe in you. People who enjoy your presence and likes when you’re around. Poor self-esteem interferes with finding the correct support, because you feel as if you do not deserve it. That is because we often think we will let people down when we think lowly of ourselves, and the weight of their expectations feels crushing.

        So, you have to start with you. You have to find ways to forgive yourself for anything and everything. Only then will you be able to love yourself to think that you deserve better. Only then will you be able to get the help you need, and stick with it. You have to believe that you want to. You have to believe that you are able to get better. You have to be one hundred percent committed to getting better mentally. Domestic Violence is terrible for our mental health because it is happening inside the home. The one place where you take shelter from the world. Any human would break under pressure after being in such a state of stress for so long, with no safe space. So don’t feel bad.

Inside The Home

Chapter 3: Getting Help from your community

        You cannot do this alone. There are so many people out there, men and women alike, who have gone through the things that you have gone through. The ones who have healed or are on a journey to healing will hear you out and listen to your story, if you ask them to. They will open their arms to you and give you a big hug and tell you that things will be okay. They will encourage you to continue working on yourself. Group therapy is an excellent way to meet kind and empathetic souls who have experienced the same thing as you have and would be happy to lend you an ear. Or perhaps you are more of an introvert, and would do better listening to other peoples’ stories and relating them to your own.

        However you choose to find support, it will help. When we feel alone in this world, we have no hope. But I do understand that some of us have been through situations where it seems like we cannot trust a single person. Perhaps our friends or family have betrayed us. If people that close betray us, it can be hard to be hopeful a stranger wouldn’t harm us. But often times, strangers are simply friends you have not yet met. Friends that you desperately need, because you have to pull yourself out of the struggle. It can be comforting knowing you don’t have to do it alone.

        Building trust in others is a process, just like therapy. The right people will understand you. The wrong people will take advantage of you. I will tell you who not to trust, and that’s someone who wants your trust right away. They try to buy it, or flatter there way into it. Stay clear from these people. The right people will give you all the space and time you need until you are ready. The wrong people have more nefarious intentions.

        Remember that you are worthy of peace. Peace is everything.

If you enjoy this read, please consider donating to my fundraiser. I left my situation in April of 2022 and have not had financial stability in over two years.

https://gofund.me/24a2cecd