HERE IT IS, THE CRYSTAL CIRCUS LIST!

Hi Xeno and/or Xeno Fans

Crystal does everything Primal and Aether do, worse, right? So why not do a clown list too for our own born and raised PF terrorizers! Everyone on this list either got here from bafflingly bad play, toxicity, or both. List is in no particular order! (This list was made in 2021, so please keep that in mind! All 2023 edits are marked as such, I didn’t expect this to ever be viewed again!)

This is meant as a source of entertainment and a quick laugh, don’t take it too seriously! There is also a homie list made of people who are upstanding ffxiv raiders! Please read that if you want more positivity! Ask someone for a link!

Please direct criticism to the trash can! This list is OPINION

Join UCR to see the circus for yourself firsthand: https://discord.gg/xQCFbQNbYz

Xenosys Vex

  • For reading a clown list on stream, thats toxic! how dare he do such a thing

Chris Lucire

  • Claims paladin damage at 70 is shit but has no fucking idea how to do damage. Weird obsession with spamming fast blade as they don’t know how to press 123. Possibly the worst PLD rotation humanity is capable of. But this isn’t world first so his damage is totally fine! In all seriousness without a doubt the worst player on this list in terms of pure skill.
  • See for yourself https://xivanalysis.com/fflogs/QP26V4B1LkCpgMn8/10/111

  • Dies to landslides doing mariokart and then says that “this isn’t world first”. Epitome of “The Ultimate Legend” Forgets to use the easiest invuln in the game too.
  • https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/879861501391929394/911337548645802044/Final_Fantasy_XIV_A_Realm_Reborn_2021.11.19_-_01.03.44.14.DVR.mp4

brokensinc (u/brokensinc) - Reddit

Lia’ Valencia/Whatever alts

  • Without question the leader of the crystal circus.
  • Claims to not be toxic but shit talks random people more than anyone else in the world
  • Somehow managed to collect the worst players of all time into one discord that consistently sucks themselves off and talks bad about every other discord (UCR, NuCR) when they play like headless chickens that discovered technology.
  • Freaks out and thinks that they’re the best in the world after killing UCoB in 16:40 (Destroyed by a group of 8 random people in one night and had a mental breakdown)
  • Made an over hour long video about how to play SMN in UwU while parsing blue anyway
  • Talks like a 13yo when arguing, literally so many examples of childish random shit It’s impossible to include them all here, like it could be just them as the whole list.

Okon’ma Fawkes

  • Part of Lia Valencia’s group
  • Possibly the worst MCH that’s ever graced crystal ulti PF. Plays MCH like a melee in UCoB and makes caster do backup baits in doubled ranged comps.

  • Talked shit after being told that close hatches in adds are supposed to be done before the twister. They don’t even need to be insulted as their nat gray logs of every fight they’ve done do the roasting.

Kaine Astoria/Tenstrike Trio

  • Most egotistical person on this list and likely the entire datacenter to the point of obsession. Left for aether cuz he thinks hes too good for crystal. Has a meltdown when someone beats his parses and came back as Tenstrike Trio anyway. Best person on the list in terms of playerskill however. Annoying person!

Dice Arisugawa/Riamu Yumemi/Genshin Impact

  • The point of dice is to have a certain probability to roll what you need. However, in the case of Dice Arisugawa, there is exactly a 0 percent chance you clear any content.

  • The notorious chad healer of crystal that probably doesn’t even need any screenshots. Besides the obvious chad healing and egotistical parse jerking they enjoy joining PFs for any prog point or reclears on alt jobs and griefing them.
  • Somehow managed to get denied by ERParsers with an over 14-0 vote for NO even though they potentially cast more heals than that entire discord does.
  • ALSO Somehow managed to parse gray on more than half of their TEA clears on MCH, even without any deaths. The third person on the list that has no idea how to play MCH, but at least they don’t main it.
  • Told Aoi (in honorable mentions) that padded was transphobic and racist and then failed to supply any proof other than a black person using the n-word.

Evil Clown Playing With Dice Stock Photo - Image of creepy ...

Isweyr A’imagril / Aya Magril

  • This person is a 2023 addition, however, they were originally supposed to be on the document, and fell under the “Crystal ERParsers” honorable mention, however, given current events I believe they deserve to be here
  • Zoomhacking in TOP, and then name changing to escape it https://streamable.com/d3i9pk
  • Name changed to… drumroll… Aya Magril, who you might recognize as the person who made this video https://youtu.be/HbHk_LZnNsc
  • Besides that, they have a history of subpar performance in PF on crystal, (during 2021 that is) such as inconsistency in titan gaols and, baiting twintania on the opposite side of what the UCR strat is in octet: https://youtu.be/MJsNFnYaBBc

Pray Kirus/Honkai Impact

  • In a relationship with everyone’s favorite healer Dice Arisugawa (2021, they broke up)
  • Has “rank 1 gnb na rank 4 world” as their search info
  • DEFINITION of a 5.5 parser that thinks they are good, even ran speeds in 5.5 with a static on crystal
  • Joined tenstrike prog without seeing past nael to try and get boosted past the prog point
  • Transferred to primal to try and clear TEA but ends up getting clowned on, pinnacle of that was leaving a party calling someone streaming really bad and then them getting to perfect the very next pull after they left
  • That person was Silvezio on primal who is a whole ass meme which makes the entire situation sitcom levels of hilarious
  • VOD of that here before it gets deleted: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1216016502
  • Sat in stream chat trying to be cool trashing him for not showing logs but looked pathetic instead
  • Thinks that the top 10 UPR clowns doc is super serious and not mostly a shitpost
  • Pray to Yoshi P that he doesn’t end up in your parties

Saleemius Arishiani

  • Part of Lia Valencia’s group        
  • Feels the need to post a screenshot of their lala with zero clothes on every time they get a clear, and see no problem with it because it’s “how I wrote my OC”

  • So shit at ucob that after being carried by people they couldn’t get a single clear until they got carried by them again. Is in the running for the worst ucobber on the datacenter, which is surprising as they are not half bad at uwu, which makes it even more baffling how they suck so hard at ucob.

2023 EDIT: After the publication of this list, this person went on the official forums to attempt to get the author of this list banned, however, he was instead called a pedophile for posting lewd pictures of his lalafell on twitter, and then proceeded to say that someone was “stealing his character” of the now privated twitter, before the thread was promptly deleted, and then threatened the author of this list. I’d post proof of the nude modding and lewding of his shirtless lalafell but I’d actually rather not as it makes me sick so please take my word for it. Also claimed that doxxing occurred in this google doc when there is nothing of the sort, here’s his message to the author:

Rinako Tousaka

  • One of the heaviest carries on the DC, like, HEAVY HEAVY, 20000 POUNDS INSANELY HEAVY
  • Floor uptime is higher than the casual community would make you think about dragoons as they have zero jokes after 7 years
  • https://youtu.be/cUojdm1WViM
  • Somehow manages to defy physics and die this many times in ucob

Honorable Mentions

  • Josco Bombadil & Dane Oh (Clown CEOs of UCR)
    For creating UCR and not moderating it at all, spreading lies about UCRs participation in the cross DC race, and creating an “avengers” team for UCoB, and failing to clear literally anyone. Somehow is able to successfully do overpriced sales, even though they are surprisingly bad in PF (which they never do).

Every single person on this datacenter that dies to bury and anything else in AP1

People who do Right Right Right in titan

Aoi & Ananoka

  • 1 Started the padded drama in UCR that lead to that big snowball of events
  • 2nd Took a year to clear TEA and wouldn’t ever shut up about how they can’t clear. Dies to exas anyway lmao.

||||||||| ||||||||||| (Barcode)

  • Somehow makes it to adds on MCH without ever having baited before.
  • Calls people heavy asf
  • Pretty funny so minor addition

A solid 75% of people from ERParsers

  • Who would’ve thought crit farmers couldn’t do ultimate

Jin Kurokami

Tetra Biblion

  • Bro ur so mechanically consistent we love you just please learn how to do dps and you could be one of the best on the entire dc :( pls pls pls