For several years, Gallup's annual survey on abortion attitudes in America has shown growing acceptance of the pro-life view. But in a report released today, the venerable polling company says that this trend has reversed. Supporters of abortion are now in the majority.
The shift can be attributed almost entirely to the 18-29 age bracket. 60% of this group once identified as "pro-life." Now, 70% say they endorse the "pro-choice" position.
"You really had us worried there for a few years!" said Cecile Richards, the CEO of Planned Parenthood. "Fortunately, the youth of America have shown their commitment to choice. We don't need to worry about the greying of abortion providers anymore."
Kristan Hawkins of Students for Life of America responded to the report with alarm. "I called up some of our student activists," she said, "and all they did was tell me to keep my rosaries off their ovaries. These are all students who know me. They know that I'm Protestant, not Catholic."
"And male students even said that to me!" she added. "I asked if they had taken a biology class in high school, and none of them could remember."
Students for Life of America staff reviewed security footage from its annual conference and discovered that it had been infiltrated by pro-choice activists. Live Action recently made some of that footage available to the public.
"You can see a man at the podium waving a yo-yo in front of the audience," said Live Action president Lila Rose. "The audience becomes silent. Then they quietly start chanting 'Blob of cells,' and 'Anti-choice misogynists.' It's super creepy."
When questioned about the possibility that college students had been brainwashed, Richards said that the tapes from the conference had clearly been doctored.
[Happy April Fool's Day, everyone!]