Summary of Why Can’t You Read My Mind?

by Jeffrey Bernstein and Susan Magee

Review by Erika Rice Scherpelz

My goal: find a good book about communication in relationships. There are endless books about communication and endless books about relationship, and most of them are written for an audience whose standard reading fare is magazine articles. I chose Why Can’t You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship by Jeffrey Bernstein and Susan Magee because it was both highly rated on Amazon and available at my library.

Why Can’t You Read my Mind? may be good for what it is, but what it is is not what I am looking for. It has some good tips (which are recorded below for my future reference), but this is more than countered by the authors’ barely implicit assumption that the only people reading this book are those on the brink of ending their relationship. Those of us who just want to learn concrete techniques for strengthening communication in our most important relationship are left feeling like we walked into someplace we don’t belong.

If you can get past the fact that this book is written for magazine reading divorce candidates, it does provide a good number of concrete tips for improving communication in relationships.

Bernstein and Magee focus on the problems caused by toxic thinking. They observe that most relationship problems stem from how one partner thinks of the other, not what that other partner does. They advise people to learn about the different patterns of toxic thought and learn how to change their thoughts. This is not the same as resolving to think positively. This sort of resolution does not help when toxic thoughts do, inevitably, occur. Instead, the authors give ways to fight toxic thoughts directly.

Toxic thinking is harmful because it stands in the way of genuine communication. It distracts you from your actual interactions with your partner, it encourages you to push your partner away with harsh words based on the thoughts rather than reality, and it eventually can make you question the value of your relationship.

The authors identify nine toxic thought patterns:

• The all or nothing trap: This signifies a black-and-white view of your partner. They always or never act in a particular way, even though that is rarely true. This trap is easy to fall into because it provides an easy explanation for your partner’s behavior.

• Example: You never listen to me! You always leave a mess in the kitchen.
• Negative consequences: You become more sensitive to behaviors which support the all or nothing statement and less sensitive to those which contradict it.
• Challenging the thoughts: Write down pieces of evidence which prove that your partner does not always or never behave in a particular way. Come up with an alternative by toning down the language: always -> sometimes;  never -> occasionally; etc.

• Catastrophic conclusions: This happens when one partner exaggerates the negative consequences of something about the other partner.

• Example: One partner is late paying the mortgage and the other jumps to the conclusion that they will lose their home.
• Negative consequences: Partners do not work on solving problems together. Catastrophic thoughts can easily be applied to the relationship itself and become self fulfilling prophecies.
• Challenging the thoughts: Replace the catastrophic conclusion with an optimistic opportunity. Look for reasons why the catastrophic conclusion won’t happen and how, perhaps, something good will come out of the situation instead.

• The should bomb: Sometimes, one partner assumes that the other should know something. These often stem from past experiences that lead to inconsistent expectations. One source of conflicting expectations is being raised in different styles of homes. E.g., one partner is from a family which shared affection physically but not verbally and the other is from a family which did the opposite. Another source of conflicting expectations is the tendency to assume that what is obvious to you is obvious to others.

• Example: You should know that I need a hug.
• Negative consequences: You attribute the blame for your anger over not having your seemingly obvious needs met to your partner.
• Challenging the thoughts: Rephrase what you think your partner should do in terms of what you would like them to do. “Should suggests You must, whereas would like suggests Let’s cooperate.” If nothing else, changing the phrasing makes obvious that you actually have to tell your partner what you want.

• Label slinging: Partners throw around negative labels, often seemingly in jest.

• Example: You’re such a shopaholic.
• Negative consequences: Labelling causes the labeled partner to have less of an identity in the eyes of the labelling partner. It can also signify an area where the labeller is projecting their own feelings about their problems.
• Challenging the thoughts: Figure out what you’re really trying to say and say that instead. Instead of calling your partner a shopaholic, realize that you are worried that they are spending too much money. Another way to challenge labels is to re-frame them in a positive way. In a moment of frustration, you may see your partner as stubborn, but then you may realize that this is the same trait that you love when you think of it as determination.

• The blame game: This happens when one partner puts all the blame for a problem on the other. But problems are rarely one sided. In general, the blame game is about denying your own problems and, to make up the slack, exaggerating the problems of others. Even in cases where the blame really is one sided (or heavily lopsided), focusing on blame only distracts from the actual problem.

• Example: When someone from a broken relationship thinks they are a blameless victim.
• Negative consequences: The blamed partner feels unvalued and ashamed. It also focuses on people rather than the actual problems they are having.
• Challenging the thoughts: Take responsibility for your own role in the problem at hand. Admit that you contributed to the problem too.

• Emotional short circuit: This occurs when one partner is convinced that they cannot handle the problems of the other and so withdraws. The withdrawing partner may want to help, but does not know how.

• Example: In the middle of an argument, one partner suddenly stops responding to the other.
• Negative consequences: The partner who was withdrawn from feels devalued and unloved.
• Challenging the thoughts: Replace can’t with will try. Replace “I can’t deal with him” with “I will try to deal with him.” Try to frame the problem as solvable.

• Overactive imagination: Catastrophic conclusions are toxic thoughts that take real events to extremes. Overactive imagination is similar, but imagines consequences with no real factual basis.

• Example: Your partner is home late, and you imagine they are having an affair.
• Negative consequences: These stressful, negative thoughts becomes a burden for both partners.
• Challenging the thoughts: Get reality based evidence to counter the anxiety driven thoughts. Let your partner know about your anxieties and about your knowledge that they are irrational.

• Head game gamble: This happens when one partner assumes they know the motivations driving the other. They think they can read each others’ minds, and act based on those assumed thoughts. Generally, the assumed motivations are negative.

• Example: He only cleaned because he wants something from me.
• Negative consequences: This thought pattern leads to the assumption that your partner does not value you for who you are, just for what you can do. It also leads to constant questioning of your partner’s motives and actions.
• Challenging the thoughts: Catch the negative assumptions and replace them with positive assumptions like the assumption that your partner was just doing something to be nice or because they had free time.

• Disillusionment doom: When real life does not meet idealized expectations, one partner may feel betrayed.

• Example: Assuming that a woman with an active career would definitely choose to stay home once she had children.
• Negative consequences: The partner with these unrealistic ideals have a low tolerance for change.
• Challenging the thought: Think about the things you still love about your partner. Think about the ways you have changed.

Fighting toxic thoughts:

• Be mindful of your thoughts and when they fall into one of the toxic thought patterns.

• Listen to your toxic thoughts. Be aware of the background chatter in your mind. Commit to doing this for at least a week. Remind yourself if necessary. Write the toxic thoughts down if you need help figuring out what patterns are most problematic for you. Don’t judge, just listen.
• Pay attention to how you feel physically. The emotions which accompany toxic thinking can trigger many physical reactions. Look for immediate things like tension, clenched jaws, butterflies in the stomach, and volume of voice. Also look for longer term symptoms: insomnia, fatigue, soreness, lethargy. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re relaxed so you can recognize the signs of stress.
• Determine your triggers. Pay attention to which topics tend to cause your toxic thoughts.
• Remain calm. Acknowledge your toxic thoughts, but try to resist them. Take a deep breath, or better yet, three or four deep, slow breaths.

• Challenge your toxic thoughts with alternatives.

• Come up with at least three examples which don’t support the toxic thought.
• Take the role of an unbiased third party.
• Write down positive statements about your partner.

• Practice. Successfully challenging and lessening the frequency of toxic thoughts takes time. Useful activites:

• Breathe deeply to help you be mindful of your toxic thoughts
• Evaluate which of the toxic thought patterns you are most prone to and consider the damage these thoughts do to you and your partner. Consider alternatives to these thoughts and the benefits you will gain from getting rid of these thoughts. Then, if you’d like, share the results of this investigation with your partner.
• Make a list of your partner’s strengths and weaknesses and, for two weeks, add at least one new positive quality to the list every day. Write down the evidence for those good qualities.
• Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I” statements communicate your thoughts and feelings. “You” statements communicate blame.
• Take actions which show that you value your relationship such as really listening to your partner, putting their needs above your own, noticing when your partner does things you appreciate, avoiding nagging, and avoiding whining.
• Give yourself your own positive strokes (gold stars) instead of waiting for your partner to do it.

Empathy is the most important tool for keeping relationships strong.

Roadblocks to empathy:

• Talking too much
• Assuming you are right and they are wrong
• Trying to fix or solve your partner’s problems
• Going through the motions of affection without sincerity
• Focusing on differences instead of commonalities
• Denying your own pain and suffering
• Overemphasizing to the point where it leads to burnout

Ways to be more empathetic:

• “Where you’re coming from” activity. You and your partner snswer a number of prompts about your each other and then share the results.

• My partner’s challenges in growing up were...
• My partner’s biggest fears are...
• What my partner needs most from me is...
• My biggest obstacles for my partner are...

• Swap voices and mannerisms for a few minutes. Role play each other while sitting across from each other and discussing your concerns. Make it fun, make it funny, but don’t mock your partner. Then ask yourself:

• What did we learn about one another?
• What were we most surprised to hear?
• What would we have liked to have hear instead of what we heard?

• Practice reading each other’s body language. One partner writes a feeling on a 3”x5” card and tries to express that feeling without words. The other partner tries to guess the feeling that is being expressed. After 2-3 minutes, if the answer wasn’t guessed, it is revealed, and the partners switch roles. Repeat a couple more times.

• sadness, jealousy, anxiety, shock, joy, distress, pity, fear, disappointment, happiness, frustration, affection, hysteria, delight, grief, love, pain, panic, anger, surprise, compassion, guilt, impatience, exhilaration, boredom, loneliness
• Then answer:

• What did you learn about how your partner reveals his or her feelings?
• What did you learn about yourself?

• Practice truly listening to each other. Practice active listening.

• Mirror the concerns of your partner: The listener repeats the concerns expressed by the talker. The talker acknowledges the summary’s accuracy. If the summary was accurate, continue. If not, try again. Don’t respond to what the taker is saying, just reflect. When it is your turn to be the talker, you can express your concerns, agreement or disagreement, etc.
• Actively empathize: The listener tries to understand what the talker is saying at an emotional level. When the listener mirrors the talker, they use these emotion words and the accuracy of these feelings is assessed along with an accuracy of the facts.
• Express appreciation for being understood: The talker should thank the listener for listening emphathetically.

Rules for fighting fairly:

• Be mindful.

• Monitor your words for toxic language.
• Repeat what the other person said before responding to it.
• Stay focused on the here and now. Don’t start arguing about the past.
• Don’t try to resolve conflicts in front of others.
• Focus on one problem at a time.

• Think rationally before you speak.

• Take a breath
• Remind yourself that the other person cares about you and you care about them
• Count to 10
• Be aware that your physical reactions are normal reactions to the stress
• Consciously stand or sit in a relaxed posture
• Tell your partner if you feel yourself becoming very sad or angry
• Excuse yourself from the room to collect yourself (don’t just leave)
• Don’t try to touch each other before the other is rady

• Commit to avoiding toxic behaviors (yelling, slamming doors)
• Argue for resolution, not to win
• Learn to give helpful criticism

• When giving do:

• Approach the subject at a good time.
• Question your motives for criticizing your partner.
• Focus on specific behaviors, not personality.
• Mention positives.
• Give your partner a chance to explain or offer feedback.

• When giving don’t:

• Offer ominous preambles.
• Act and then think.
• Play amateur psychologist.
• Make comparisons.
• Make “you” statements.
• Be sarcastic or unkind.

• When receiving do:

• Listen with an open mind.
• Reflect and then react.
• Ask for specifics.
• Ask for clarification.
• Be empathetic to the other person’s point of view.
• Offer solutions.
• Thank your partner for being open and taking the risk to give feedback.

• When receiving don’t:

• Interrupt.
• Yell or otherwise act out.
• Make excuses or get defensive.
• Deny the feedback. Think about how frustrating it is when someone negates what you have to say.
• Try to match blow for blow.
• Address more than one concern at a time.
• Withdraw.
• Get passive-aggressive.

• Respect each other’s styles and personalities.
• Identify your own contributions to the problem.

• Take responsibility for the problem.
• Restate the problem to make sure you have understood your partner.
• Ask for time to think about it.

• Be willing to make concessions.

• Brainstorm.
• Evaluate the alternatives.
• Come to a mutual understanding.
• Try it and, if it doesn’t work, try another alternative.
• If you’re frustrated trying to figure out solutions:

• Call for a timeout, but do establish a time to come back together.
• Consider waiting until you’re in a better setting.
• Make sure you have all the information you need.
• Examine your motives. Why do you like or dislike certain alteratives?
• Use an objective thirdp party.

• Forgive.
• Admit when you’re wrong or have made a mistake.
• Look for some truth in what the other person is saying.
• Agree to disagree.
• Break tension by looking at what you’re doing.
• Don’t follow your partner into toxic thinking.
• Consider professional help.

Couples activities:

• Practice random acts of relationship kindness. Try doing three random acts of kindness for your partner in the upcoming week. E.g., give a massage, listen with complete attention, call just to say “I love you”, give flowers for no reason, leave a note, give a compliment, give your partner their favorite food, give a prolonged hug.
• Make a date to talk about your dreams. Ask your partner what they’ve always wanted to do. Listen openly. Ask yourself how you can help make that dream come true. But don’t judge, feel threatened, or try to take charge. Just talk about the dream as a possibility.
• Cultivate a shared interest. It’s normal to have separate interests, but cultivate some new ones that you can do together.
• Stare into each other’s eyes. Close your eyes. Take a slow deep breath. Visualize something pleasant and relaxing. When you’re ready, open them and look into your partner’s eyes. Don’t speak. Just think about

• What about this person touches you the most?
• What attracted you to this person in the first place?
• What gifts do they give you?
• How has this relationship enriched your life?

When ready, put these thoughts into words. Let them flow emotionally and passionately without editing. Take turns speaking.

• Laugh together. Watch a funny show or movie. Share a joke.
• Do something you don’t like for your partner.
• Ask each other questions to learn about each other. Write the questions on cards and draw them randomly. E.g.,

• What is your earliest childhood memory?
• What are you most proud of having done?
• If you could spend a day doing anything you wanted, what would you do?
• If you could be anyone in the world for a day, who would you want to be?
• What gives you the most peace and serenity?
• Comment on your need for space.
• Comment on your need for privacy.
• What is your favorite movie of all time and why?
• If you were to be described as an animal, which one would it be?
• What do you like least and most about your in-laws?
• What do you keep telling your mate that he or she just does not get?
• What is your biggest regret?
• Comment on your need for intellectual stimulation.
• What is your favorite time of day?

• Carve out time to spend together.
• Do nothing at all together.
• Make your small interactions count. Smile when passing in the hall, give a quick hug while brushing teeth.