This particular 'Sue was a thorn in DOGA's side, which is why she had to die twice. After the first time, she - or rather, her author, although she doesn't bother to distinguish between the two - managed to bring down half of the old DOGA siteplex, which is why we now use alternate means. When it was discovered that she'd continued her 'adventures', there was no real choice but to take her down. This was one of Dafydd's most personally satisfying missions. ~Terri Ryan, DOGA Archivist
by W.H. Woolhat
The knife thudded into the wall. Dafydd looked at it, quivering there next to his ear, and then ran.
"She is not supposed to be this homicidal!" he muttered as the grey walls rushed past. "I mean, I got her a crossbow! What more does she want?"
As if on cue, a crossbow bolt slammed into the floor at his heels. Immediately, he opened the nearest door, threw himself inside, and slammed it behind him.
Turning away from the door, he surveyed the room. Grey walls, grey floor, large console, very confused-looking Agent Vemi in the middle of it all. Raising a hand, he waved.
"Hi. Homicidal partner, trying to kill me. Help?"
"Homicidal?" Vemi ran over to the door and locked it, just before the enraged Agent on the other side tried to open the door. She leant against it, thinking quickly.
"Um...Discworld! I know there's a 'Sue there we can kill...Selene could have calmed down a bit by then."
"Sounds good... well, sounds better than this. I hope she does, otherwise I'm going to be spending all my time here."
"Well hurry up and open a portal!" yelped Vemi, leaning against the door in a desperate attempt not to be charred like her partner, or pierced with a crossbow bolt. "It should be on the desk under the papers... next to that vial of 'Sue blood..."
"Right!" Dafydd grabbed the Remote Activator and stabbed at the button. Without even waiting for the blue portal to be fully open, he leapt through.
Vemi jumped after him, and just as a crossbow bolt embedded itself in the door where her head had been, the portal closed behind her.
Dafydd breathed a sigh of relief. "Glad to see you made it. I don't think she can control herself enough to use a Remote Activator, so we should be safe. So, welcome to... er, where is this place?"
Unfocussing, Vemi read the words. "Ooh look, it's Death's domain!"
Dafydd nodded in understanding. "So that's what they meant by different shades of black..."
Gothic at heart, and never seen wearing any colour other than black, Vemi stared at him quizzically. "You mean you don't know about the shades of black?"
She watched as Albert ran out of the house towards Death, who was about to mount Binky.
"I know of them, I just never imagined they could be quite so... colourful. Er..." Dafydd looked over at Death. "Don't we need to follow him somehow?"
"The story will sort that out," came his reply. Not very far away, Albert and Death had a very short conversation. According to the author, it was obvious from Albert's expression that he though Death was going to mess around in somebody else's life again. "That'll be the 'Sue at work," she muttered.
As Binky trotted up in to the sky, the world jerked, and the two Agents found themselves outside a college. Vemi held her head in her hands and groaned.
"I hate it when they do that...ouch...headache..."
Dafydd winced too, and then pointed at a girl walking across the parking lot. "I smell a 'Sue..."
"And I see one..." muttered Vemi darkly. Her fingers twitched, and her hand moved towards one of many daggers.
Noticing the move, Dafydd grabbed her hand. "No killing yet. She hasn't done anything directly. And anyway, it's my turn."
"You got the fake Hogfather! Anyway, how are we supposed to follow her once she's got in to the car? It's small enough as it is!"
Dafydd frowned. "Hogteen wasn't the 'Sue. He doesn't count. And we have a Remote Activator, we can portal."
"Yeah, but we miss one of the most important parts of the script that way. I get the father, then."
Dafydd sighed in exasperation. "We can read it in the Words. And we'd miss it even more if you killed her! Oh, and fine, you get the father."
Vemi nodded in satisfaction. "Sounds fair...mind out, we're about to go back to the Disc!Verse..." Just as she spoke, the scene flickered and there was a shot of Death and Binky travelling across a multi-coloured background. Vemi had almost recovered from the sudden change in scene when the words flipped back to modern day earth. The Agent had turned very pale, and had her hand clamped over her mouth.
"Feel sick..." she muttered
"Ow ow ow ow ow!" contributed Dafydd. Then he winced again at the 'Sue's line: "Hmm, I have a seven-foot skeleton in my car. Cool!"
"I know I wouldn't say 'cool' if Death turned up in my car!" growled Vemi. "I would freak out!"
"As would any sane, borderline sane, or not-completely-drugged-up person," Dafydd agreed. Then a thought struck him. "Hey - maybe that's it. Maybe the 'Sues are all on some sort of drug."
Vemi flipped open her notebook and, after cursing the Sue, made a note of Dafydd's idea. "I'll get on to it as soon as we get back to HQ."
"Clever girl." Then he looked up. "Whoops, there they go."
Reading the words, Vemi cursed once or twice in various languages as the Death of Rats and Binky came in to the story.
"Honestly, this 'Sue is stupid! She thinks it's possible to get a big horse like Binky in to a little car like hers! She needs to be lectured about volume and mass and… ooh, that almost sounded scientific!"
"Science? In a 'Suefic? Anyway, he fits because of his trans-dimensional abilities, apparently. Maybe he's done what the kid in Pyramids did, and gone all flat."
"Possible, I suppose, but I've just added 'messing with time and space' to the charge list."
"Good." As Dafydd spoke, he pulled out the Remote Activator. "She's just got home. Portal or walk?"
"Walk!" yelped Vemi. She was still pale and feeling queasy from the succession of dimension flipping scenes not very long ago.
"Are you sure? We'll miss her stupid nickname and Death getting on a caffeine/sugar high three seconds after he drinks the stuff?" Noting Vemi's glare, he stopped trying to be funny. "We've got three hours. Let's walk."
~Three hours later~
Vemi and Dafydd, having arrived at the 'Sues house, were having a brief scuffle over who got to watch through the window. Vemi, by glares and the Silence Technique alone, was winning.
Finally, Dafydd threw up his hands in despair. "Alright! You win! But you have to tell me what happens, okay?"
Smirking, Vemi peered through the window at the scene inside. "Okay...they're all sitting around watching television...and Death is on a sugar high. Put it onto the charge list, will you?"
"Already done," he replied with a certain smugness.
"Oh look, he's quick of the mark for once," grumbled Vemi, with an uncharacteristic spitefulness.
Dafydd clutched his heart in mock pain. "Ouch, Vemi, ouch." Then, seeing her murderous glare, he stopped, realising that having two partners trying to kill him would be about the worst thing he could do.
Settling back in front of the window, watching it like the 'Sue was watching the television screen, Vemi continued to dictate what was going on.
"The dad's just entered..." the Agent curled her fingers around a dagger, "Come on, whilst we're in between chapters. It's about to fade to black." She dragged the other assassin in to the house and, stalking past Death, Death of Rats, Binky and the 'Sue, the two agents found themselves in the kitchen. The father was standing still, staring in to space.
"Bit characters," spat Vemi. "Hey, Al's dad! You are accused of being a Marty-Stu on the grounds of not batting an eyelid at your daughter bringing home a trans-dimensional horse." In a flash, the ‘Stu was dead, lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Vemi's dagger was embedded deeply in to his neck.
Dafydd applauded politely. "Very nice. What are you planning to do with the body, seeing as we're not on the Disc right now?"
"We can leave it here. She doesn't come in to the kitchen tomorrow, and after that it doesn't matter. Oh look, nothing else happens today. We'll have to stay in here, because through there everything is 'faded out'." the assassin began opening cupboards and searching through them for food.
Dafydd shrugged. "Sure. Why not? Hey... does it seem to you like we end up in kitchens a lot?"
"I was just thinking that. We can restock on our food supplies. Mmm, she has pasta… want pasta?"
Dafydd looked up. "Depends. Is there anything to go with it? 'Cos plain pasta's a little... dull."
"Yeah, there's some tomato sauce here. I'll be fifteen minutes cooking, and then we can portal to tomorrow morning."
"Fine. Sounds lovely. Assuming you can cook, that is..."
Not for the first time that day, Dafydd found himself being treated to one of Vemi's special death glares. The kind of glares usually reserved for greenery and particularly evil 'Sues.
"Are you questioning my cooking skills?"
He put up his hands defensively. "Hey, I don't know you, remember? I've only been on one mission before, and you didn't cook anything then!" Dafydd pressed himself into the corner. "Please don't kill me..."
Vemi sniggered, effectively forgiving Dafydd, and then turned her attention to the pasta. Fifteen minutes and a pasta meal later, Vemi picked up the portal device. "To tomorrow morning, then?"
Dafydd nodded, still a bit wary. "And then we see Death wake up - Death doesn't sleep, Death can't sleep..." He started slamming his head rhythmically against the wall.
"Mind you don't damage the wall." She pressed a couple of buttons on the portal device, and stepped through it.
Dafydd looked up, muttered "Thanks for the concern," and followed her through the portal, rubbing his head.
The portal had hardly had time to shut behind the two assassins, and Vemi was already adding notes to the charge list
"Look!" she hissed, disgusted, "Death speaks in normal tones there! And..." she paused to snigger, "Al worries about dear old daddy finding Death in his house. Not much chance of that."
Dafydd blinked. "So he was fine about the horse - which was visibly inter-dimensional - but wouldn't be about the skeleton? Say it with me, people - continuity."
"Continuity. Come on, lets go and watch the 'Sue use her powers to keep Death, Death of Rats and Binky here."
"Right..." As Binky mysteriously failed to do his thing, Dafydd muttered, "That should be a killing offence..."
Vemi smirked. "It is."
"... good point."
"Oh look," sighed Vemi as they watched the scene from inside the house, where they 'Sue wouldn't notice them, "Death suspects the car. Right."
"Because, obviously, it was the only thing running in either dimension at the time. And it couldn't possibly be the Auditors, oh no." Dafydd rolled his eyes. "Stupid 'Sue."
For a few minutes, they were silent as the ridiculous show carried on. Every so often, one of them would wince as a crime against canon was committed. At last, Al started her car.
"Enter one swirly vortex. Get ready to jump, Dafydd, we're hitching a lift."
Dafydd rubbed his still-throbbing head. "Right. Why can't she just stay in one place? Ah, never mind..." The vortex formed, and Al, her car, Death and Binky went through. Mysteriously, the Death of Rats stayed where he was.
"He'll probably fall through a plot hole. He turns up later in the chapter, anyway. Come on." Vemi jumped through the vortex, falling in to Death's orchard on the other side.
Shrugging, Dafydd followed. As soon as he reached the other side, he ducked behind a tree to avoid being seen by the 'Sue, and found Vemi already crouched there.
She was grinning. It was unsettling. "I've just been reading the words," she whispered, as the 'Sue argued with Death, "You'll never guess where we're headed next."
Dafydd looked worried. "Er... the cornfields?"
"Nope. Kitchen." Vemi grinned manically at him before running off, staying low to avoid being seen, in the direction of the 'Sue.
Dafydd sighed. "I swear, it's some sort of conspiracy," he muttered, running after Vemi. He caught up with her in the front hall, and immediately grabbed Death's sword from the umbrella stand. At his partner's quizzical look, he shrugged. "I had to run fast - I didn't have time to bring anything with me."
"Let me guess...you gave her the cross bow, and then she aimed it at you?"
"Pretty much, yes. Well, I may have made some comment about how nice the SO was for letting her off so lightly..."
Vemi shook her head as they made their way in to the kitchen, staying hidden as they did so. It wasn't hard. Everything was black, so they blended in almost perfectly. Under her breath, she muttered something that sounded like 'boys'. Then in again, it could have just been a snigger.
Whatever it was, Dafydd decided to ignore it, instead focussing on glaring at the 'Sue. And then...
"Books? Death doesn't have any books on dimensional anomalies!"
"Prove it. That's the annoying thing about stuff like this in Suvian fics. You can't actually prove that he doesn't. Mind you, they would be far more likely to be in the library at Unseen University."
Dafydd shook his head. "I'm pretty sure the only books he has are the Autobiographies. Oh, and then there's that big one from Mort, but that was work-related. But either way, I'm certain he doesn't have any dealing with cars."
"I see your point about the cars. Let’s stay in the kitchen and keep an eye on the 'Sue." Vemi scribbled down a few snide comments in to her notebook as the 'Sue told Albert that she could fry porridge better than he could.
Dafydd glanced over at the charge sheet. "I assume you're going to be reading that thing out - there's no way I'll be able to read it."
"Yeah, I'll read it. Oh smeg, I've just realised...nobody can die here, can they?"
"... flup. Portal down to the Disc, then?"
Then, another idea struck him.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Vemi, smirking evilly
"Well, what I'm thinking is that we could run an experiment... what happens if you stab a 'Sue repeatedly in Death's domain, with Death's sword?"
"Interesting," admitted Vemi, "but risky. I was thinking of the Auditors..."
"Ooh, that's evil." Dafydd grinned. "I'll be happy with that, as long as I get to chop an arm off first - I want to see for myself how sharp this thing is." He patted the borrowed sword that hung from his belt. "Oh, and then I think I'll take it back with me - Death already mentioned that he can make new ones, I doubt he'll miss it."
"Suits me fine," replied Vemi, "you're lucky it wasn't a dagger or I'd have been ready to kill for it. Are you planning on giving it to Selene?"
She watched Albert spooning down the fried porridge and contemplated stealing the remains and feeding it to the SO.
"Certainly not! The more... exotic weapons are my thing. It can go with the 'Sue sword and magic ring."
"Lucky. I'm sure Death wouldn't mind you taking it, if he knew what use you were putting it to. Ye Gods, look at Albert. He's giggling his head off worse than a Suvian on sugar!"
Dafydd winced. "Can we kill her now, then?"
Vemi looked around, expecting to see Death arrive at any moment, but he didn't appear.
"Right. Keep an eye out for Death whilst I read out the charge list."
"Gottit." Standing up, he moved silently to the door, watching the space outside for any sign of a black-robed figure, and listening to the voices from inside.
Vemi stood up and marched over to the girl who, being the kind of 'Sue she was, didn't seem surprised. What did surprise her, however, was the assassin grabbing her arm, twisting it behind her back, and then holding a dagger to her throat. "Al from modern earth, we accuse you of sending canon characters out of character, namely Death, Albert, Death of Rats and Binky, of warping time and space by getting Binky to fit in the back of your car, using Suvian powers to stop them from getting back here, for getting in the way of Death's job - you do realise that there's a queue of people down on the Disc unable to die properly now, don't you? - and... there is more, but I can't read my writing. Come on Dafydd, kill her."
Dafydd wandered over, pulled out the sword, and held it up. "It's so light... and that blue glow is so very pretty..." He stared at the almost-invisible blade for a moment, and then shrugged and swung it down through the 'Sue's arm. "Eww... glitter."
"Wait!" Vemi, still holding a dagger to the 'Sues neck to stop her from escaping, stuffed let go of the 'Sues arm and tugged a glass vial free from her belt. "Do me a favour and fill that up, will you? I need 'Sue blood for the MSE dept."
Dafydd nodded. "Righto." Leaning down, he placed the vial over the pumping artery in the 'Sue's severed arm and waited until it was full. Then he paused. "Er... what are we doing with her, then?" he asked, handing the flask back to Vemi.
Vemi, unable to get the vial tied back on to her belt and hold the struggling, groaning 'Sue at the same time, replied "portal" and then clenched the vial between her teeth
Dafydd felt for the Remote Activator at his belt, and then groaned. "Vemi, you've still got the RA. Where is it?"
Quickly, afraid that Death was going to turn up at the sound of the 'Sues wails - Albert would be no problem in his happy and tuned out state - Vemi rolled her eyes and pulled it out of a pocket, then threw it to Dafydd.
"Thanks," he mumbled, as he fiddled with the rings and then pressed the button. The blue doorway formed, and he motioned Vemi through.
The assassin, however, needed no prompting. She ushered the wailing Sue through the portal in to the pitch blackness where the auditors were, but didn't dare go through herself. Taking the vial out of her mouth, she turned to Dafydd. "Are you mad?" she asked, as she heard Al scream at the approach of the auditors, "If we go in there we'll not come out again!"
Dafydd coughed. "Er, oops?" Leaning down, he grabbed the arm and threw it through, then shut the portal as quickly as possible. Behind him, Albert began to revert to his usual self.
"Quick, open another portal...too late..." Vemi trailed off as Albert looked at her. She gave him a nervous wave. "Hi... we were... just leaving. Accident at Unseen University and all that, right Dafydd?"
Dafydd nodded. "Yes... terrible thing, seems that the Rite of AshkEnte won't work as well with shrew blood as mouse, sorry to have bothered you, bye!" And with that, he opened a portal, shoved Vemi through, and followed, moving from the dark of Death's kitchen to the bright sunlight and scorching heat of Djelibeybi.
Vemi looked around at the pyramids and blinked, raising her hand to shade her eyes.
"Close one..." she muttered. "I think I was meant for Uberwald though. Nice and dark. Come on, let’s get back to HQ and hope Selene is in a better mood."
"Yeah, we should probably get back," Dafydd replied, and sighed. It was nice to be away from HQ, even for a short while. But no time to dwell on that now. Resetting the Remote Activator, he pressed the button, opened a portal, and stepped through. After a moment, Vemi followed, and the portal vanished, leaving only the sand and a very confused seagull.
SOME TIME LATER
“I’m sorry, sir, could you please repeat that?”
I said that the ‘Sue you and Agent Vemi killed, who went by the name of ‘Al’, appears to have resurfaced. As such, you will be sent back to the Discworld to ensure she dies irrevocably.
Dafydd nodded. “I can’t imagine how she escaped the Auditors...” Then he paused and looked back at the SO. “So I’ll be working with Vemi again?”
The sunflower shifted uncomfortably. That may be a problem. Agents Vemi and Penny are currently on indefinite leave. Their last known location is the Assassins’ Guild in Ankh-Morpork, on the Discworld, but it is possible that they have moved since then. Unless you can persuade them to assist you, you will be working alone.
Dafydd frowned. “Alone? Can’t I take Selene with me?”
The Sunflower Official looked even more unhappy. Unfortunately, official PPC documentation clearly states that an unfinished mission must be finished by the agents who began it. In the absence of Vemi, that means you.
The Pyro sighed heavily. “Fine. Do I have to make another charge list?”
Not for ‘Al’, considering she has already been charged once. However... another character has appeared, going by the name of ‘Sam’. She seems to be a secondary ‘Sue, and as such also needs to be eliminated.
“Great. Just great. I’ll go back to my RC and get it over with, then.”
One more thing, the Sunflower said as Dafydd turned to leave. We would prefer you to operate out of Agent Vemi’s Response Centre for this mission. You will find it open, and the details of the Words as they currently stand within.
“Fine. Great. Bye.”
It was some time later that Agent Dafydd, clad in his usual black, sat under a tree in Hide Park, Ankh-Morpork, considering his next move. His careful inquiries had revealed that Vemi was indeed still residing in the Assassins Guild, but his sudden appearance when she was walking down a corridor had been less than welcome. She had informed him in no uncertain terms that she had severed her ties with the PPC, and would no longer kill without a fee. However, as the bruises he now sported showed, she was perfectly willing to inflict pain, especially when startled.
“I suppose I’m just lucky she didn’t pull one of her daggers out on me,” he muttered, staring up at the sickly yellow leaves. Then he sighed. “At least she agreed to help me get rid of Miss ‘Sue if I did pay. Ah, well. I guess I’m alone on this one.”
He rose, pulled out the Remote Activator and, to the complete astonishment of the four thieves moving stealthily towards him, vanished through a portal.
“So my car’s been ripping reality this whole time and I just never noticed?”
IT APPEARS SO. APPARENTLY THE SEVERITY OF THE RIP DEPENDS ON HOW BADLY THE ENGINE SPUTTERS.
“Ow ow ow,” muttered Dafydd, quickly taking two Bleeprin tablets. “Death and car-talk do not mix.” He turned to ask Vemi to add it to the charge list, then recalled that Vemi wasn’t there, and furthermore that he had no need of a charge list. “Well, that’s one good thing,” he muttered.
He suffered through the next few lines of bad humour and other irritating ‘Sueness, and then almost screamed as ‘Sue Two, aka Sam, appeared and was perfectly happy about doing so.
“Stupid stupid sub-‘Sues and their stupid stupid websites,” he muttered, then started scribbling charges. In the meantime, the second ‘Sue babbled about computers, the dead father from the previous mission, and then…
DO YOU HAVE A PLAN?
“Of course! I looked it up before I came here.”
“What? No, no, and most emphatically no!” The two ‘Sues and one anthropomorphic personification looked round as the assassin stepped out of the shadows and grabbed Sam by the throat. “Sam from modern earth, in the name of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum you are charged with having impossible knowledge, crossing dimensions without a suitable method, being completely unfazed by Death, having hideously stupid ideas, annoying PPC agents, causing me to have to come back, alone, to deal with you, and being a Mary Sue. And as for you,” he turned and grabbed hold of Al with his other arm, “you are absolutely the most annoying thing in creation. Why couldn’t you just die?”
“W-what are you going to do to us?” asked Sam.
“Oh, didn’t I mention? You are sentenced to death, ‘Sue, and good riddance.” With that, he whacked the pair over the head with the hilt of his sword and dumped them to the floor. As he reached for the Remote Activator, he looked over at Death, who still hadn’t moved. “Sorry about this, sir. They’ll be away soon.”
GOOD, replied the animate skeleton. THEY WERE BECOMING ANNOYING.
Dafydd grinned as he opened a portal to the Assassins’ Guild. “It’s all taken care of.” Dragging the pair with him, he stepped through.
Dumping the two in a corner of a little used courtyard, he reached into his pocket and pulled out two Ankh-Morpork dollars. Placing one on the forehead of each ‘Sue, he grabbed a pen and paper and wrote a quick note.
I hope this is sufficient fee for you. These ‘Sues need to be terminated as soon as possible. I enclose a copy of the charge list, so that you may determine the appropriate method.
I doubt I’ll be on the Disc again, but you are welcome to visit HQ at any time. I--
There he paused. He’d been in their RC, and knew that the pair had left all their equipment in HQ. There was no way for them to get back, unless an agent opened a portal for them. So really, he only had one choice.
I’ve left my Remote Activator here, for if you wish to return home at any point. Stay safe, and don’t get yourself killed.
He glanced down at his watch. The time he’d arranged for Vemi to meet him was only about two minutes away. In fact, he could hear her footsteps coming now, too light for human ears to detect. It was time to leave.
Dafydd opened the portal and stepped through. Poking his head back, he dropped the Remote Activator between the two ‘Sues, right next to the note. As Vemi came around the corner, Dafydd stepped fully into her old Response Centre and flicked a switch on the console, deactivating the portal.
“Well, that’s that. I guess I’d better go and tell Makes-Thinks I need a new RA.”