Pride in the Midst of Shame

By Ralaine Fagone

Copyright 2011

My wide smile and misty eyes barely expressed the immense pride I was feeling the days before my son’s high school graduation. The ceremonies and banquets preceding the commencements heaped awards on James. He was above average, an all-American boy. His future was full of promise. How could anything go wrong?

For years my friends with younger children asked my husband and me about our parenting techniques. They observed our children’s character and wanted the same results. These requests made my heart sing. I was proud of myself for raising them according to Scripture. Life would surely go well for our family. We would escape heartbreak and disappointment; it was guaranteed. I trained them in the way they should go and believed they wouldn’t depart from it. I taught them truth, integrity, and character. With those precepts within them, they would be invincible to evil.

How quickly my pride turned to shame. My all-American boy fell; connected to a high profile murder. I couldn’t comprehend the charges. I raised my son God’s way. I thought I had a guarantee! I screamed accusations to God, “I kept my part of the deal! How come You didn’t uphold Yours?” I felt cheated and disgraced. Once, I had the market on parenting, now the whole city knew my shame.

Angry with God, I felt entitled to a certain outcome. In my accusations against Him, He remained close. In the midst of my turmoil God drew near to my broken heart. He generously provided deep peace, bypassing my reasoning. His patient kindness extinguished my anger. In that gracious space He addressed my motives for child rearing and my expectations for entitlement. He did not change my circumstances; His gentleness changed me.  Now, I will no longer serve Him for results, rather I serve joyfully out of love and relationship.

An expansive chasm sits between James’s graduation and now. Currently he is in a state prison, serving a life sentence without possibility of parole for being present at the murder.

I am still proud of James. Not because of what he did that put him in prison, but because of how his heart has traveled. He faced the horror of what he’d witnessed, felt the anger of betrayal, examined himself, asked hard questions, and has given honest answers. He has repented, grasped forgiveness, found redemption and clings to hope. He experiences a deep love with his Heavenly Father, and shares compassion with other inmates. In my eyes his character was tested and it is solid. Why would I be ashamed of that?

I was proud of my son’s visible accomplishments. Now I am proud of what James has achieved internally as well as eternally. The precepts established as a young boy laid a solid foundation. I did not get the expected results, but I discovered the heart of God to be faithful and reliable.

Isaiah 61:7

Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs.

Father, I am thankful that your love endures my frailty. Only you mend and restore the brokenhearted, bringing your own into a place of joy.