A Little About Me
I’m not just a sex educator, I’m also a fat fetishist & mutual gainer (“switch feed”) that leans feedie. I am on FF but I prefer to hang out in the feederism scene on FL, a BDSM/Leather/kink website. Why?
I’ve found the lack of respect & basic manners on FF (and other fat admiration sites) to be appalling.
Many people show an interest in our community but then don’t become involved/get driven away. (Sometimes it’s just lack of participation, other times it’s running away with a bad impression of us) Others complain it’s so hard to find decent people in the community. Why?
Lack of ethics & standards
We don’t have a set of rules or mores that we guide our behaviors by. As well, basic internet rules aren’t enforced.
QUESTION: What happens when we don’t have these ethics and standards? (A.k.a. what’s happening now?)
People feel mistreated.
People feel abused.
People feel non-consensually objectified. (treated like you’re only good for how you fulfil someone’s fetish)
People feel like they’re treated less than human.
People feel marginalized.
Where Can We Draw Our Ethics?
Bringing radical politics to our FA & WG scene? We can learn from these movements how to treat people properly & fight for justice.
Bringing feminism to the FA & WG scene. (“True” feminism treats everyone ethically as people. No oppression for women OR men OR other genders.)
Bringing the ethics of the BDSM/Leather/Kink community to the FA & WG scene.
Safe, Sane & Consensual or Risk Aware Consensual Kink
Being Treated Poorly By Those In Our Scene
Have you ever been treated poorly by someone in our scene? What happened? How did it make you feel? Did you take steps to rectify the situation? Did it require outside authority? If so, how did they react?
How would you like to see our scene change? What rules would you personally enforce?
What ethics can we bring to the scene to regulate our own behavior so that everyone involved is feeling good & having a good time?
The Flip Side: Being treated poorly by those outside our scene
Fetishphobia is rampant in both society AND in the greater BDSM/kink scene as a whole.
People let their stereotypes take over for them as soon as someone uses the word “fetish”.
When you hear the word “fetish”, what do you think of? Does it change if you replace “fetish” with “desires”?
When you hear the word “fetishist”, what do you think of?
Have you ever been treated poorly by someone outside scene due to your fetish? What happened? How did it make you feel? Did you take steps to rectify the situation? Did it require outside authority? If so, how did they react?
What can we demand of the greater sex-positive scene to be fetish-friendly?
A (2 Part?) Manifesto:
QUESTION: What’s required of them?
Acceptance of our fetish
simply acknowledging its right to exist
not villainizing us for our fetish (not blaming us for marginalization & oppression merely because of our fetish)
non-emotionally negative reactions to our fetish when we express it in basic ways (merely mentioning it, etc.)
(Stating they’re not interested is ok. Making us feel like we’re sick or bad or wrong for it is not.)
QUESTION: What’s required of us?
“With Great Fetish Comes Great Responsibility”
Treating those who fulfil our fetish as people first and foremost/non-objectification (this can be tricky)
Having proper, socially acceptable social interactions both offline and online (don’t forget your manners!)
Standing in solidarity with the Fat Acceptance movement/Fighting against the marginalization of fat people
(Many of us already do that, but are seen as doing it for “ulterior motives” due to our fetish... fight it!)
The Elephant In The Room: Consensual Feederism vs. Abuse
Taking clues from the BDSM/Leather/Fetish scene
QUESTION: What would Consensual Feederism look like?
QUESTION: What would fat &/or weight gain based abuse look like?
Putting This Into Practice (or “Fuck theory, let’s get practical!”)
QUESTION: What can Feeders/Admirers do?
Don’t coerce. Don’t take advantage. Don’t assume. (“Only Yes Equals Yes”.) Check in.
Look out for the health of your feedie? (personal choice vs. increased risk?)
QUESTION: What can Feedies/Fat People do?
If you don’t want this, SPEAK UP.
If you DO want this, SPEAK UP.
Communicate with your feeder/admirer.
If they don’t respect you or your rules or limits, GET OUT. (If your mobility is limited or gone, make sure you have a way to contact someone who could “rescue” you at any time, if needed.)
QUESTION: What can we do as the FA & WG community?
Establish ethics and rules
Uphold ethics and rules
Decry abusive behavior instead of shoving it under the rug! (BDSM is becoming accepted because they’ve made the distinction between kink & abuse. It’s time we do the same between consensual feederism & abusive behavior.)
QUESTION: When interacting with the world at large?
if someone says something fetish-negative, SPEAK UP
QUESTION: When Online?
Have basic Internet etiquette. Don’t mass PM spam people. DON’T TYPE IN ALL CAPS. Have some class. When emailing, have the delicate balance between too forward and dancing around the issue.
QUESTION: What can we do to bring about this change in the FA & WG scene?
QUESTION: What can we do to bring about this change in the sex-positive scene as a whole?
The Future Of Our Scene
Theory on how scenes progress:
1.) I have a fetish. I’m the only one.
2.) There are others that have my fetish! You mean I’m not the only one? Whoopie! (may or may not have disregard for social niceties/ethics due to excitement)
3.) There’s a whole bunch of people that have my fetish, but we need a community with ethics and rules to serve them to keep abuse from happening.
4.) We have a true community with ethics and rules. There are other fetish & sex-positive scenes out there. Perhaps we should join up due to common goals (ending of sexuality based oppression).
QUESTION: Where do we see our scene going? Where would we LIKE to see it going?
Acceptance in the BDSM/Leather/Kink community at large
Acceptance by the Fat Acceptance community (will require basic kink/fetish education)
Acceptance by society at large (once the other 2 communities happen)
Let’s go pig out! :-D