What is Marriage?

• A legal contract between a man and a woman that ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Domains of Marriage

• Private

• Declaration of love
• Form of family

• Public

• Sacrament (religious)
• ____________________________________________________________

• Governed to protect any children involved, stabilize the institution, provide order and rules
• Gives benefits and privileges but also restrictions

Legal Benefits of Marriage

• _____________________________________________________________
• _____________________________________________________________
• _____________________________________________________________
• _____________________________________________________________
• _____________________________________________________________
• ____________________________________________________________
• …and many more!

• 400+ state level benefits
• 1000+ federal level benefits

Individual Motivations for Marriage

• Love
• Personal Fulfillment
• Companionship
• Parenthood
• Economic Security

Changes after Marriage

• Personal Changes

• Enhanced ______________________________ due to attention given to newlyweds
• Begin adopting new values and behaviors consistent with the married role

• ie. Stability in schedules, less risky behavior

• Disenchantment- state of newness and high expectations to realities of everyday life
• Additional changes

1. Change in how money is spent
2. Discovering that one’s mate is different than one’s date
3. Experiencing loss of freedom

Parents, In-laws and Friendship Changes

• Time spent with parents and extended family radically _______________ when the couple has children.
• Despite what you may hear, researchers have found that the majority of relationships with one’s parents-in-law are_____________________________.
• Navigating emotional separation (partially) from one’s parents is an important part of a successful marriage
• Less time will be spent with friends and more time will be spent with other married couples.

• Important to maintain friendships despite the new marriage

Adapting to Married Life

• When people marry, they become part of a _______________. Unlike in their days as single people, they are no longer free to come and go as they please. Married couples must balance their ____________________________ against those of their spouse.
• A person’s job may also present some special challenges to a relationship.

6 Principles to Make Marriage Work- Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D

1. ___________________________________________- deep knowledge of your partner’s personality
2. ___________________________________________- - friendship aspect shows respect and love. Creates a reserve of good feelings to draw upon
3. ___________________________________________- have a “couple culture” with rituals, symbols and goals to link together
4. ___________________________________________- - bids for connection
5. ___________________________________________- - partners in decision making
6. ___________________________________________- Soften the start up- how you approach/bring up the conflict

• Make and receive repair attempts
• Compromise
• Soothe yourself and partner- calm down!
• Be tolerant of faults

Types of Marriages

• Arranged Marriages

• Happens in much of the world, esp in parts of Europe, Asia, and Africa that are less Westernized
• Parents will work out the details and then announce the upcoming marriage to their children

• May have little or no say in the matter and may not see the future spouse until the day of the wedding
• Most modern arranged marriages allow the children to have some say and input and to communicate with the future spouse before the wedding

• Couples are expected to develop a loving relationship after the marriage, not before
• Reasoning: because marriage joins two families together, selecting a suitable mate is “a huge responsibility” not to be left to the young people themselves.
• Functions of Arranged Marriages

• Affirm and strengthen parents’ power of their children
• Helps keep the family traditions and value systems intact
• Helps consolidate and extend family property
• Enhances value of the kinship group
• Helps young people avoid the uncertainty of searching for a mate
• As cultures become more and more Westernized, arranged marriages are occurring less often, or in a “watered down” way.

Types of Marriages (5 types)

1. Conflict-habituated

• Considerable tension and unresolved conflict
• Subject of argument isn’t important, partners do not expect to resolve differences
• Does not necessarily = divorce and unhappiness

2. Devitalized

• Once was passionate, deep love relationship, now time is spent as “duty time” w/ work, children, entertaining and other interests
• Some partners are resentful and bitter, others are ambivalent

3. Passive-Congenial

• Emphasize qualities other than emotional closeness
• “marriage is the sensible thing”, fulfills practical needs
• Less likely to divorce than marriages where partners had unrealistic expectations of emotional intensity

4. Vital

• Being together and sharing are intensely enjoyable and important
• Conflict will center on real issues and is resolvable
• Minority of all marriage types

5. Total Marriage

• Like vital marriages but multi-faceted
• Emotionally intense but all encompassing (all aspects of life are shared)
• Rare but do exist and can endure
• If they do end, can be hard to adjust since such high mutual dependency was built up