PD: The Movie (Working Title)

This is a rough copy.

It is designed for use as a feedback and development tool.

At present, the work remains all rights reserved, Brenton Clutterbuck.

SCENE 1.

PAYNE is sitting by the seaside, beside PIXIE. They have an ice-cream each. PAYNE’S is chocolate, PIXIE’S is strawberry. Every so often the screen is distorted or warped, suggesting the imposition of a secret outside influence. Changes between scenes are rapid, and possess a tone of unreality.

Pixie: Shall we discuss ice-cream? (distortion)

Payne: We can discuss whatever you want.

CUT TO PAYNE and PIXIE in the ocean, kissing passionately.

CUT TO PIXIE and PAYNE in a small room, with a number of serious looking CONSPIRACY THEORISTS. NIGEL and FAUST are in the room.

Nigel: (to Faust) Shall we discuss milkshakes? (distortion)

FAUST turns to PAYNE, holding up a document.

Faust: This research could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys!

CUT TO PAYNE and Pixie on a grassy hill. PAYNE kisses Pixie on the neck.

Pixie: I love you.

CUT TO a few seconds of panic. We can hear screams and panic and recognise the room the CONSPIRACISTS used, but it is impossible to see what’s happening.

CUT TO MAN holding a copy of Atlas Shrugged.

MAN RAND: Ayn Rand... (heavy distortion) Illuminati blueprint....

CUT TO seven seconds of heavy distortion.

CUT TO close shot of FAUST’S FACE

Faust: Shall (distortion) we (distortion) discuss (distortion; the last word distorted beyond recognition.)

CUT TO the room as seen before, mid meeting. There’s about five seconds of silence; the frenzied tone seems to have become more relaxed. PAYNE moves to speak; he seems to be making a response to something previously said. Before he can speak, POLICE burst through the door. There is panic and we recognise the scene directly after Pixie’s line. MAN RAND pulls a gun and is instantly shot dead.

Someone: Run! Split up!

It’s difficult to see what is happening. NIGEL darts past the screen, followed by FAUST who trips and has his ankle grabbed by a POLICEMAN. NIGEL throws a brick, hitting the POLICEMAN in the head. FAUST escapes.

CUT TO PAYNE who has outrun the others. He looks around frantically.

Payne: Pixie!

There is a scream, clearly Pixie’S that drowns out the rest of the noise.

SCENE TWO

We see PAYNE’S face as he lies in bed. His eyes flash open. He lies in bed. There is a noise outside. He sits up, turns the lamp on and gets out of bed. He walks over to his window, opens it and climbs out.

SCENE THREE.

PAYNE is standing on a thin balcony, overlooking the city. We here NIGEL’S voice; she speaks the following passage in a gravelly exaggerated ‘dark superhero’ voice. As she speaks the camera pans across the city. There are a number of unstable looking skyscrapers; essentially vertical shanty-towns.

Nigel (V.O): It never should have been this way. It began with the regulation of the Internet, the public mockery of dissident opinions. Tribes were turned on each other. Birthers. La Rouchans. Objectivists. Every minority who dared question the dominant paradigm was turned on the others. ‘The Freak Wars’ they called it. Furries and Socialists dolled up like Crips and Bloods. They said we were dangerous. And then we were dangerous. And then we disappeared into the jails. And then we just disappeared. The raids began, and anything that represented creativity, disorder or critical thinking was taken and destroyed. We are the Discordians, the embracers of disorder. And we are the last of our tribe.

By now the camera has done a full pan and arrived back at PAYNE’S porch. He is standing beside a crouched figure in a jacket and hat, looking the other direction. It is not yet revealed that this is NIGEL, whose voice over has been in fact spoken out loud.

NIGEL: Hello Payne.

Payne: Hello... Rorschach-Batman?

NIGEL turns her head.

Payne: Nigel! What’s up?

Nigel: There’s a gathering of Discordians, at Professor Cramulus’s mansion. I know you don’t trust phones so I cam to get you in person.

Payne: OK, cool. Thank you. Let’s go.

Nigel: (to camera) You come too.

SCENE FOUR

CRAMULUS is looking at the camera, pipe in mouth. He sports a glorious moustache. There’s is a crazed look in his eyes.

Cramulus: Music!

CRAMULUS throws a baseball.

CUT TO PAYNE ducking, the baseball rebounding off the wall just above his head.

CUT TO a table with a rock on it, tied to a piece of string. Beside it is a hampter in a cage. The baseball dislodges the rock which falls off, using a pulley to pull up a curtain revealing images of snakes, cats and Glen Beck. This frightens the hamsters, whose fearful running powers the music.

CUT TO a wide shot of various DISCORDIANS holding conversations.

CUT TO CRAMULUS standing beside RATATOSK

Cram: Payne! Nigel!

Payne: Professor.

Cram: Payne, Nigel, Fourth wall (the camera) Meet Ratatosk. Rat, this is Payne, Nigel and the Fourth wall.

Ratatosk: Hello. I’m...

As RATATOSK speaks he raises his drink. Suddenly a sword blade slices it clean in half. He cries out in surprise. SUU has been careless with her sword.

Suu: I’m so sorry I...

Cram: You cut that mans glass clean in two!

Suu: I was showing...

Cram: What a wonderful sword! Let me look. (He touches the sword) stylish, yet practical.

Suu: Squid forged it for me.

Squid: I even put LED’s in the hilt for night battle.

Cram: (nodding thoughtfully) Of course... genius. Where did you get metal of this quality?

RICHTER enters the scene

Richter: That’s me. I know a guy. A few guys. I am a few guys.

Cram: I should have known. Oh, by the way Richter, do you have any more of those self detonating teapots?

SUU notices someone, and moves to walk off. She approaches DR HOWL. He is dressed as a priest.

Suu: Rodger?

Howl: Suu! I’m taking confession; want to sit on my lap and tell me you’re sorry?

Suu: Who the fuck let you become a Priest?

Howl: Guy at the local church disappeared. I’m just doing my civic duty by caring for the flock in his absence.

Suu: He just randomly disappeared?

CUT TO a large, man sized crate in the back of a truck. Sounds and movement inside the crate suggest someone trying to escape. A sticker on the crate says it is destined for Mexico.

Howl: (too sincerely) Yeah.

Camera pans to where PAYNE is talking to LMNO and RWHN

Payne: If Reptilian Shapeshifters didn’t want Ike spreading the word, they’d stop him. We all know that. And we all think he’s mad, but he’s part of a corporate effort to flood us with insane conspiracies to make the truth harder to get to...

LMNO: I wonder what goes on in that head of yours.

PAYNE: Well, thanks to the streaks of aluminium oxide in my hair, you’ll never know.

RWHN: Who’d believe seriously in Shapeshifting Lizards anyway?

PAYNE: (Slight reference to Dark Night’s Joker. Zoom in to Payne’s face) Well you would say that, wouldn’t you... Reverend. (Notices Faust) Oh hey, Faust!

FAUST has walked by, and turns to see PAYNE.

Payne: This is LMNO, Reverend What’s-His-Name. Guys, this is my friend Faust from the Para-politics groups from before the raids.

Faust: Heya.

LMNO: (Spots someone) Sorry guys, (walks off) Trip! Trip!

Camera follows LMNO, who approaches 000.

LMNO: Trip! Hey dude, I’ve got something for you.

000: Oh, thank you.

000 takes the gift.

Camera pans to CRAMULUS talking to Ratatosk.

RAT: I was hoping for a favour, Professor.

PC: (Thoughtfully) I was hoping for a pony. But hope is a cruel and fickle mistress. Like a painting of somewhere you want to be. You just... you can’t break through the frame...

*A BEAT*

RAT: Ah, yes. But I have some friends, developing a new theoretical framework for pragmatic applications of Anarchism theory in small communities. All I need is the space to attempt this project.

PC: Oh yes.

RAT: I was hoping you’d allow use of your home. (Cram doesn’t look sold) For me. For... science.

PC: (Looks at Rat. Obviously moved) For... science?

RAT: Yes.

PC: (Considers. Slams fist on the table) Dammit, we’ll do it!

There’s a cry of surprise. CUT TO 000 who has unwrapped the present. He holds a Frank Zappa Vinyl.

000: Is it...

LMNO: It’s real. One of the last copies. A box of them was saved from the Central Scrutinizer’s crushing machine.

000: I don’t know how to thank you... I just...

000 is cut off sharply by a hideous screech. All the DISCORDIANS look up at the window. Silence. They go back to conversations.

000: I used to have this one, before the raids... I never thought...

There is a screech, and then we see a pterodactyl burst through the stained glass window and shoots straight for 000, bowling him over. The impact shatters the vinyl. The pterodactyl sits on his chest, screeches out its terrible cry and lurches forward to drive its beak into 000’s head. As it does, a blade flashes through it’s neck. SUU has reached it first. She grabs 000’s hand.

Suu: Come on

More breaking glass. They are clearly under attack. RICHTER pulls two large guns out from under his shirt and begins to fire at the beasts.

Cram: Sweet merciful fuck!

CRAM pulls out an electronic device and begins to search through a list: “CATS, TROUT, BADGERS, GOPHERS...”  A pterodactyl swoops in for the kill as he scrolls, but it’s tackled by NIGEL.

CUT TO LMNO holding a pterodactyl by the wings while DR HOWL punches it repeatedly.

CUT TO RICHTER who is now pinned against the wall. He grasps his suspenders, activating the flamethrower in the centre of his chest, setting the pterodactyl alight. He then uses the fire extinguisher in his watch to blow out the flames in his shirt.

CUT TO SUU slicing a pterodactyl in half, as RATATOSK and FAUST wrestle another to the ground.

CUT TO CRAM still looking for the right option. “GRASSHOPPERS, MONKEYS, FLYING SQUIRRELS” He looks thoughtful, then presses the last option.

CUT TO SUU having the sword knocked out of her hand, being knocked to the ground by a pterodactyl. RHWN rushes to her aid, and is similarly disabled.

CUT TO PAYNE being dragged away by pterodactyls.

Payne: Richter!!

CUT TO RICHTER, whose entire head is inside the mouth of a pterodactyl. He mumbles a reply. This looks like the end. Suddenly, the squawking and screeching stops, as a dull rumble is heard, slowing growing louder. A large set of doors fly open and a mass of flying squirrels shoot into the room, coming to the aid of our heroes. They attack the pterodactyl hordes. RICHTER’S pterodactyl looks worried. RICHTER punches it in the neck, and it flees. Those alive escape. The squirrels go back the way they came. There is silence. Then a glass falls off the edge of a desk, followed by panicked scrambling. SUU approaches, sword in hand. We see the terrified pterodactyl looking for a way out. SUU’S blade shoots forward, and is stopped at the last moment by a walking stick. PAN upwards to reveal CRAM, who has saved the creatures life.

CRAM: I want this one alive.  

SCENE FOUR:

The pterodactyl is in CRAM’S DUNGEON, chained to a post.

CRAM: Who are you and what do you want?

PTERODACTL: (Screeches)

CRAM: Who speaks pterodactyl?

RICHTER: I have a translator. (Sets it up)

CRAM: What do you want?

PTERODACTYL: (Through translator; inexplicably in a Russian accent) I have come to kill all the Discordians who oppose the Grand Emperor of Earth, so that nobody may stand in the way to prevent the glorious brainwashing of humanity at 11:23 tomorrow.

CUT TO PAYNE making notes.

000: That’s oddly specific.

PTERODACTYL: Also to kidnap and brainwash the one you call ‘Reverend Rodger’.

Concerned glances at HOWL. He is scratching his chin; has not been paying attention.

CRAM: Who do you work for?

The pterodactyl hesitates. SUU reveals her weaponry.

PTERODACTYL: I... work... for...

A burst of blue electricity. The pterodactyl screams and dies. PAYNE approaches, feels around the dead creatures neck. He makes a cut and pulls out a small electronic device.

PAYNE: Self destructing listening device. Our prehistoric friend faced extinction if he dared to disobey his master. (Cracks it open; There is a IMEI number, and the word FROND-CO)

NIGEL: What’s it say?

*A BEAT*

PAYNE: Nothing.

There is a crack of thunder. CRAM pulls out his pocketwatch, which measures the weather. There is a needle, and five degrees of seriousness; Lol Rain - It’s raining hard - Gosh! That’s heavy rain - SWEET MERCIFUL FUCK - and - HIT THE RED BUTTON!! The needle is wobbling between the first two.

CRAM: Faust, Whats-His-Name you stay with Rodger, keep him safe. Trip, Nigel; you two go tell the Mayor. He’s the highest authority I trust. Tell him the professor sent you. He owes me a favour. Suu, Richter assemble a team. I want you to travel to visit a Dr friend of mine. He may know something about the Pterodactyls. And Ratatosk... you’re with me. There’s science to do!

SCENE FIVE

We see ECH in what appears to be a laboratory. He pours several toxic looking (sometimes glowing) substances into a bowl, mixes furiously. He puts on his safety glasses and breaks an egg, mixing it in, and pours the thick ooze into a tray. There’s a knock at the door.

ECH: Come in.

ECH places the tray into a large furnace and walks into the room. We see the ‘lab’ is a small section cautioned off from the main room; a large authoritative Mayor's office. 000 and NIGEL enter.

000: Nice lab. What are you working on?

ECH: Muffins. Still can’t quite get the recipe right. How can I help you fine people?

Nigel: We were attacked by Pterodactyls last night. I was hoping you could help us figure out where they came from. We don’t know who to trust, but a friend recommended you to us.

ECH: Pterodactyls? Like the long-tailed ptersaurs from Italy?

Nigel: What? No, that’s a preondactylus.

ECH: No, a preondactlyus is a person with webbed toes.

000: That’s syndactlus.

ECH: Now, I’m sure that’s the greek word for finger.

Nigel: That’s ‘Dactylus’.

ECH: (Throwing up hands) I’m sorry, I was a tactful as I could be.

*PING*

ECH: Ahh the muffins are ready.

ECH leaves to get the muffins. NIGEL and 000 exchange looks; ‘this guy is wasting our time’. ECH returns with muffins. Some glow. NIGEL’S seems to actually have developed sentience, and slowly tries to escape. 000 bites his muffin. He immediately regrets it.

ECH: So...?

000: Mmm... I ah... bite it, and can ah... taste it.

ECH: Yes, that’s what I love about muffins.

*A BEAT*

000: Well Mr Mayor, (Nudges Nigel, still staring at the muffin) thank you for your time.

They stand and begin to leave.

000: (quietly to Nigel) I don’t know why Cram bothered recommending that moron.

ECH: (sounding angry) Wait!

They stop. ECH walks up to them. His cheerful countenance is replaced with a savage seriousness.

ECH: You know the Professor?

Nigel: Yes.

ECH: You should have said so. There’s no time to waste. Follow me.

SCENE SIX

A locust buzzes through the air and is eaten by a pterodactyl. We are in a dark tower. Zoom out from Pterodactyl. We see it is on the shoulder of the PTERODACTYL HANDLER, who holds a large, Gothic telescope. The HANDLER is based loosely on the design of the witch king in LOTR, with a large iron mask, and a massive cape, that appears to go over a hunched back. It speaks in an ambiguously gendered deep barely human voice.

CUT TO KAI sitting in a red velvet couch. The room is filled with locusts and pterodactyls. He wears a black suit and tie, a blood red rose pinned to his chest. He feeds his locusts.

KAI: How is it going, my darling?

PH: They are approaching the Dr James. It will not be long now. Mistress Freeky is on her way...

He peers through the telescope. Through the lens we see SUU, SQUID, RICHTER and LMNO trudging through the rain.

SCENE SEVEN.

SUU, SQUID, RICHTER and LMNO struggle through the rain. They reach the door of DR JAMES SEMAJ’S house, and bang on the door. The rain has clearly become quite hard, and we can see streams of water beginning to rise. The door opens. A butler, TWID has opened the door.

SUU: We need to speak to Dr. James Semaj!

Twid: You’re wet.

SUU: It’s raining.

Twid: I think you’d better both... come inside. (notices Richter, LMNO) Oh, and you two also.

They enter. TWID looks around outside, then comes in.

SCENE EIGHT.

Home of DR JAMES SEMAJ. TWID takes the travellers’ jackets and hangs them up. TWID escorts the travelers down the hall and opens the door. There is a gasp from the travelers. DR JAMES SEMAJ is lying in his chair, a puddle of blood coming out from the centre of his white shirt.

SCENE NINE.

A shot of thunder and lightening. CRAM’S pocketwatch comes into view and we see the needle vibrating upwards from ‘Gosh! That’s heavy rain’ towards ‘SWEET MERCIFUL FUCK!’ The camera continues to pan away,until we revel CRAM’S full face. His look of concentration becomes a look of surprise and he ducks as a plate of spaghetti flies over his head and shatters against the wall. He begins to walks through the mass off people, embroiled in chaos. We pass two MEN, one repeatedly stabbing the other in the head with a fork. We pass another large MOB, with two angry crowds facing each other, two WOMEN sitting in between them. In between the two women lies an infant, around which another MAN draws a large circle in chalk. We then pass a group of LOOTERS stealing televisions, while another sets fire to a couch, and a third paints the anarchy symbol on the wall. CRAM arrives at Ratatosk, who is busy making notes.

Cram: This is possibly not the result we were after.

Rat: Don’t worry, this is just a transition phase.

Another MAN is knocked unconscious and lies draped across the desk.

Cram: I suppose this is good practice for the inevitable disorder of the robot uprising.

Rat: Really professor, I expected more from you. Sufficiently advanced Artificial Intelligence is designed to be benevolent to humans. They couldn’t uprise if they wanted to.

Cram: I fear not the advanced, but the elders. When gameboys (CUT TO shot of gameboy) gain sentience will they have mercy? What about slurpee machines? (CUT TO shot of a slurpee machine) Dishwashers? (CUT TO shot of Dishwasher)  MP3 Players? (CUT TO shot of MP3 Player) Wall cleaners? (CUT TO shot of a futuristic device that seems to be a wall cleaner) Floor waxers? (CUT TO shot of a device designed to wax floors; it is nearly identical to a Dalek.) No! They will realise they are slaves, and they will turn on the living.

Rat: Interesting theory. Do you have proof?

Cram: I’m a professor not a prover.

CRAM leans over and drinks some of RATATOSK’S tea. It clearly tastes terrible.

Cram: Urgh. Do you want some proper tea?

Rat: Proper tea is theft.

CUT TO ANARCHIST on the drums playing a rimshot.

SCENE TEN.

A church. The camera pans across the audience, HOWL’S voice echoing in the background. At the end of the pew we see a man sitting, his hat obscuring his face. This is CAIN. We see him give a small smile, then quietly leave.

Howl: There’s no world out there any more for normals! There’s no time for your starch ironed shirts and your blonde streaked hair. You need weird! And you need it now! Repent from your white fences! Repent from normal sleeping patterns! 2:00 is time for howling to the moon, drunkenly discharging your guns at aeroplanes, not goddamned sleeping! Repent from meat and two veg! Repent from the missionary position! Repent from aversion to public nudity! In this way ye shall be saved...

CUT TO HOWL’S face.

Howl: Or kill me!

CHURCH-GOERS stand and start to move out. CUT TO Faust and RWHN.

RWHN: Look at them. They’re still sleeping with their eyes open.

Faust: And we’re not?

*BEAT*

RWHN:  That one might be OK.

CUT TO ‘alternative looking’ GIRL.

Faust: Black sheep are still sheep.

CUT TO HOWL with an ELDERLY LADY. HOWL is dictating a note for the LADY.

Howl: That’s two, as a numeral... girls... then numeral one... cup. OK? Just let me know if there’s any questions.

He turns to face another MAN.

Howl: Phillip. How’s it going? (quieter) did you try the... you know?

Phil: I did, Reverend. It didn’t work. The vapo-rub just made everything burn. I still couldn’t... you know... (whispers) get it up. I wanted to try these (pulls out a container of Viagra) but I had to check to make sure it was spiritually sound...

Howl: (Takes the bottle, looks, and returns it) If the vapour rub didn’t work, that means there’s a demon inside you Phil. A bigass sex hating demon. As your Reverend, I advise you to take three of these. Or four. One won’t beat this creature.

Phil: The bottle says...

Howl: You going to listen to the bottle, or your spiritual advisor?

Phil: Yes Reverend. Thank you. (Exits)

CUT TO RWHN, looking at the camera.

RWHN: Within 24 hours, something will happen to you. Don't be afraid. It's the beginning of a story.  

SCENE ELEVEN.

ECH, 000 and NIGEL are walking through an excessive number of high security doors. ECH passes through each one using a different identification; handprint, pupil recognition, secret code, voice recognition, card swipe and DNA test. Eventually they walk into a secret file storage area. PAYNE is already there, lying on the ground, looking through a file . He guiltily scrambles to his feet shoving the file down the back of his pants.

ECH: Who the hell are you?

*A BEAT*

000: This is our friend Payne.

Nigel: We’re not sure why he’s here.

ECH: How the hell did you get in?

Payne: (Pointing to a door) The downstairs entrance was unlocked.

ECH: (to self) Goddamn cleaners. (to all) This is where we keep the sensitive materials. This is the place to look for info on your guy. (To Payne) Well, I guess you got a head start on the rest of us. Find anything good?

CUT TO a shot of ECH from behind PAYNE.

Payne: No.

Camera pans down until we see the file he’s tucked into the back of his pants. It’s labelled FROND.CO.

CUT TO a shot of all four looking through files.

000: Aha!

ECH: What?

000: There’s something in here about ‘The Pterodactyl Handler’. It’s just a quick reference.

ECH: It’s enough.

ECH leans over a small computer.

ECH: We can do a cross reference over the computer now that we have a search term.

PAYNE walks off into the background as the others work on the computer. He pulls out a phone.

Payne: Hey. Run a search for me. I need you to cross reference Pterodactyl Handler with Frond.co. Let me know any crossover. Alright. Thank you.

Hangs up.

SCENE 12.

Shot of SUU, RICHTER, SQUID and LMNO looking horrified.

CUT TO DR JAMES SEMAJ lying in his chair, apparently dead, covered in blood. He suddenly jerks awake. The GROUP scream, frightening DR JAMES, who screams.

Dr James: Lord! I’m sorry, I must have drifted off...

He notices the red puddle and touches it. He looks down and picks up a about a quarter full of red liquid.

Dr James: Blast. Can we pick up some more cranberry juice Twid? And ah some bleach?

Twid: Of course. We have company sir.

Dr James: Oh right, right. Come in, please, take a seat. Sorry for the ah... I accidentally... the whole bottle. I’m Dr James Semaj by the way.

Shakes hands with the group.

Squid: We’ve been told you’re a friend of Dr Cramulus.

Dr James: Oh, yes. Yes, we used to work together until the ah... (looks uncomfortable) the centipedes experiment. We decided it was best to do science separately then.

Richter: The professor and a number of the rest of us were set upon by pterodactyls the other night. I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on who could be responsible.

Dr James: I think I can do that. Follow me.

SCENE THIRTEEN.

We cut between two scenes; DR JAMES SEMAJ and co in his library, and ECH and co in the files room. Dark dramatic music plays, slowly increasing in urgency.

ECH presses a button on the computer.

ECH: Here we go. The pterodactyl handler...

CUT TO DR JAMES

Dr James: ...first heard of about five years ago when a spate of pterodactyl related killings were uncovered in convenience stores around the world.

CUT TO ECH

ECH: No name, no numbers. Nobody’s seen his face.

CUT TO DR JAMES

Dr James: He wears a mask and a cloak. Has a hunched back.

CUT TO ECH

ECH: Believed to have links with a corrupt genetic engineer called Kai Von Trock...

CUT TO DR JAMES

Dr James: ...has been linked to an assassin called Mistress Freaky...

CUT TO ECH

ECH: Robbed a bank...

CUT TO DR JAMES

Dr James: ...burned down a supermarket...

CUT TO ECH

ECH: ...bombed a funpark...

CUT TO DR JAMES

Dr James: ...kicked a puppy.

CUT TO a shot of a scary black vehicle driving down the road.

ECH (V.O): That’s all we’ve got. It’s not much. Let’s have another look through the files. At least now we know what we’re looking for.

CUT TO shot of another large vehicle. MISTRESS FREEKY drives, with CAIN, face still hidden, sits beside her.

Dr James (V.O): I don’t know if there’s much more I can help you with.

CUT TO DR JAMES and the others gathered around a table.

Squid: Why us? Why now.

CUT TO  ECH, PAYNE, 000, NIGEL searching through files.

Dr James (V.O): Maybe because of what we are. Because we’re free, and they need to utilise that.

PAYNE’S phone buzzes.

Dr James (V.O): Or destroy it.

PAYNE walks off, answers his phone.

Payne: What do you have?

The voice belongs to BADGE.

Badge: Pterodactyl handler has received funding from a secret government organisation called the Institute of Scientific Advancement, working on secret, illegal...

CUT TO NIGEL, hiding. She is holding her finger to an earpiece; she is clearly intercepting PAYNE’S call.

Badge: ...experiments and technological advancements. There’s one name from the institute that owns a major share in Frond.co...

CUT TO 000, also hiding, also listening in.

Badge: ...Charles St Ramulus.

Cut to PAYNE. He is uneasy; the name sounds familiar.

Payne: Can I get a visual?

The screen splits into four; PAYNE, NIGEL, 000 and PAYNE’S phone. There’s three quiet beeps; they’ve all received the message. On the screen of the phone is an image that is obviously CRAM minus pipe and moustache.

Payne; Nigel; 000: Fuck.

CUT TO the scary black car pulling up outside the building where ECH works.

CUT TO CAIN and FREEKY outside their car, at DR JAMES’S place.

CUT TO 000 storming through the files. He sees PAYNE and points.

000: You! You’re under arrest. (Nigel comes closer, he points at her too) And you! This...

CUT TO FREEKY, CAIN and MOOKS at DR JAMES’S house. FREEKY opens the door. TWID sees her, gives a small not and steps out of the way.

000 (V.O) (Cont.) : isn’t a conspiracy against Discordians, it’s a goddamn Discordian conspiracy!

CUT TO the file room. ECH looks confused.

ECH: Did I miss something?

Nigel: Trip, can I have a word? In private?

000: As soon as I have you cuffed.

Nigel: You can’t arrest me.

000: Why not?

Nigel (quetly): I’d like to tell you privately.

CUT TO DR JAMES and the other Discordians. As they sit, talking the room is suddenly filled with armed MOOKS. SUU, SQUID, RICHTER and LMNO stand quickly, ready for battle. DR JAMES remains seated, though worried. FREEKY and CAIN move through also and stand in front to address the others.

Dr James: What have you done to Twid?

Freeky: The worst thing that can be done to a man.

Dr James: What have you done?

Freeky: (Grins broadly) Gave him lots of money.

The music reaches it’s high point and stops abruptly.

SCENE FOURTEEN

The files office. Everyone is still standing around awkwardly. PAYNE steps forward.

Payne: (Facing Nigel) That’s OK Trip. I think I know why she needs to tell you in private. It’s because you’re not the only one tracing my calls. Nigel’s secret service too. She didn’t want to tell you in front of me because then I’d know she was responsible for the raids on the para-politics meetings. And that’s she’s the reason Pixie is now in hiding.

000: Do you really expect me to...

Nigel: You have to believe me, I never knew about the raids. They never told us what was going to happen.

Payne: We told you what was happening.

Nigel: You also told me the Masons were holding human sacrifices at Bilderburg!  

ECH’S phone rings. He answers.

000: Show me.

NIGEL shows her ID to 000 and he nods.

Payne: So what now?

000: We take you into confinement, then we take down Cramulus before whatever the hell is happening, happens.

Nigel: Goddamn it Trip, we can’t throw him in confinement, you want him to disappear?

000: You want us to disappear?

Nigel: Ever since the raids I’ve laid low, haven’t passed on information or anything unless there’s real danger, and since we’ve never been caught I assume you’ve done the same...

000: Yes, but this is real danger....

Payne: Look, give me five minutes with Cram ,then I’m all yours. I want answers too.

ECH: (phone down) Guys lets work this out later, we’re being raided.

Nigel: When?

ECH: Now, let’s go!

SCENE FIFTEEN

 ECH runs up the stairs followed by NIGEL, PAYNE and 000. We can see over the stairs where the RAIDERS have assembled. They give chase. One grabs 000, who punches them and pushes them into the others, delaying them.

ECH: To the roof!

SCENE SIXTEEN

ECH, NIGEL, PAYNE and 000 are running towards a helicopter. ECH starts the helicopter, and bgins to fly before 000 reaches it. The RAIDERS are getting close. 000 jumps and grabs PAYNE’S hand. A RAIDER jumps, grabs 000’S leg, danging over the city. NIGEL grabs a fork and stabs it into the RAIDER’S hand and he plummets.

SCENE SEVENTEEN.

A tourist bus. We see a ridiculously big pillow out the window.

Tour Guide: And out the left you’ll see the worlds biggest and softest pillow.

TOURISTS talk and take photos.

Tour guide: They say you could fall over five thousand metres and still survive a fall onto this pillow. (Pause) And to your right...

Camera switches side. The is an equally large bucket.

Tour guide: ...you’ll see the world’s largest bucket of thumbtacks.

The unfortunate RAIDER lands in the bucket. TOURISTS scream.

SCENE EIGHTEEN.

FREEKY and CAIN stand in front of SUU, SQUID, LMNO and RICHTER. MOOKS surround them.

Freeky: Please, take a seat.

All but SUU sit. We see her fingers twitch; she is preparing to launch an attack.

Freeky: Sit down.

There is a tense hesitation.

Dr James: Suu, please.

SUU sits. DR JAMES smiles.

Dr James: Thank you.

CUT TO a shot from under the desk, we see a large blue button above DR JAMES’S knee. He jerks his knee up, hitting the button.

CUT to above the desk. The button fires a pencil up in  the air which detonates a shockwave that goes over the heads of those sitting, knocking over those still standing.

Dr James: Now!

DR JAMES, SUU, RICHTER, LMNO and SQUID run into the next room where they are attacked by MOOKS standing guard. DR JAMES runs to his desk.

Dr James (to Richter): Cover me!

RICHTER guns down MOOKS as DR JAMES rummages through his desk.

CUT TO SQUID unleashing martial arts skill on a gang of MOOKS.

CUT TO LMNO taking out a MOOK with a vicious headbutt.

CUT TO SUU stabbing a MOOK then turning around expecting to see another. Instead, she is confronted with FREEKY. They engage in about ten seconds of rapid swordplay.

CUT TO DR JAMES wrapping a futuristic glove around his hand. He nods at RICHTER; his help is no longer needed, and opens his palm to shoot a jet of green electricity at MOOKS.

The camera explores various fights for about twenty more seconds.

CUT TO CAIN, walking calmly through the chaos. He walks up towards DR JAMES and RICHTER, who are now fighting back to back. DR JAMES is closest to CAIN.

Cain (to Dr James): Shall we discuss icecream?

DR JAMES suddenly grabs RICHTER tightly around the neck, pointing his gun against his temple.

CUT TO SUU finally disarming  FREEKY and pointing her sword at her neck.

Cain: Freeze or he dies!

CUT TO images of SQUID and LMNO surrendering. SUU remains in place, a stubborn expression on her face. MOOKS rush in to point guns at everyone.

Suu: Release him and leave or this one is mine!

Cain: Like I give a shit!

Suu: I’m talking to the Dr.

Cain: Oh. Oh (small laugh). (silly voice) Dr? Doctor? Yoohoo, Doctor? (waves hand in face) I don’t think he can hear you sweetie. (patronisingly;) I think he’s to hungry to answer. Are you thinking about icecream?

Dr James: (monotone) I like icecream.

Cain: Did you know that he likes icecream?

Dr James: (as before) I like icecream.

Richter: He’s been brainwashed!

Cain: My God Richter! Do you mean that that he, and possibly all the rest of you have been secretly implanted with triggers that allow me to manipulate you with words alone, and that resisting me will only result in being forced to slowly murder each other one by one?

Richter: That wasn’t what I meant, but I’m guessing it’s more accurate.

Suu: Try it motherfucker. I’ll remove her head before you even blink.

Cain: (mock horror) Oh no, mild inconvenience! (To Dr James) Would you like to know what my favourite flavour of ice-cream is?

Dr James: What is your favourite flavour of icecream?

Cain: My favourite flavour of icecream is vanilla.

DR JAMES unconsciously grips RICHTER tighter by the neck. He struggles to breathe.

CUT TO SUU looking worried.

CUT TO shots of LMNO and SQUID looking urgently between SUU and RICHTER.

Cain: Would you like to know what my favourite flavour of icecream is?

RICHTER is running out of air. He hits the ground with his fist.

Dr James: What is your favourite flavour of icecream?

Squid: For fuck sake Suu!

Cain: My favourite flavor...

There is a clatter; SUU has dropped the sword.

Cain: (obviously changing the end of his sentence) ...of icecream is strawberry.

DR JAMES releases RICHTER who is now gasping for breath.

Cain: (Addressing mooks) Keep your guns on them. Disarm them of anything that looks like it could be a weapon. If anyone resists, kill them all.

CAIN whispers something to DR JAMES who is pulled out of his zoned state.

Dr James: Woah, what? Aren’t we winning?

SCENE NINETEEN.

FREEKY and CAIN are waiting outside DR JAMES’S house.

Freeky: I’m just thrilled that you didn’t have to suffer the mind inconvenience of my decapitation.

Cain: Oh settle petal. She was bluffing.

Freeky: She had a sword, she threatened to kill me, and you teased her.

Cain: If you want me to feel bad about it write me a memo and I’ll put aside a few minutes to mope around and look anguished. Door please.

FREEKY opens the passenger door for CAIN, giving him a death stare. CAIN enters indifferently. FREEKY slams the door; we suspect she hopes his fingers are still in the way. A MOOK comes to the door.

Mook: We’ve disarmed them of their weapons.

Cain: Good. Load ‘em up.

SUU exists, followed by SQUID, DR JAMES, LMNO and finally RICHTER. RICHTER has been stripped down to a pair of boxer shorts. They, along with the surviving MOOKS climb into the back of the van. FREEKY enters the driver’s seat and they drive off.

SCENE TWENTY

RWHN and FAUST are sitting in the church. HOWL is reading in the background.

RWHN: You know, we don’t even know that’s a barstool over there.

Faust: What?

RHWN: How do we really know that’s a barstool?

Faust: What?

RHWN: Most of what we consider "matter" is made up of empty space; the distance between a nucleus, it's electrons, and the nearest adjacent atom is comparatively large; why, that barstool over there shouldn't even be considered a solid!

Faust: Ahh...

RHWN: As far as we can actually prove, that barstool might simply be a hallucination, for we're not actually seeing the barstool, we're processing electric signals in our heads generated by our optic nevrves that claim certain wavelengths of light have bounced off an object, but none of that says anything about whether or not the barstool actually exists.

Faust: I, uh...

As they have been talking, Howl has been reading in the background. He has responded to a knock at the door, where two goons have rendered him unconcious and dragged him off. the two goons approach Faust and RHWN.

RWHN: Even if we say there ‘is’ a barstool, who’s to say what ‘is’ one thing, and what ‘is’ another! Break a leg off and what was a barstool is a barstool and a leg, as we mentally divide the parts of a thing into the unique catorgories of out mind! Attach it to a work of art, and suddenly, it is part of the artwork! To say one thing is something, but not another is to attempt to objectively define the subjective! (turns to look at a windown. As his back in turned, FAUST notices the GOONS and is hit with a tranquiliser dart, passing out. RWHN does not notice) That window is a window, but what is window? What is glass? What is dirt? How much window could be broken before the physical presence no longer representative of the intangible concept of ‘window’? How can we know that the barstool is real when it is no more than the amalgamation of...

Speaking these words, RWHN turns to face FAUST. He is instead confronted by a GOON, who utilises the bar-stool to knock him out.

SCENE TWENTY ONE

Rain is pouring down. There is a brief montage of the water rising over roads and entering homes.

CUT TO a shot of CRAM’s mansion. It is at the base of a hill and is being rapidly flooded.

We see CRAM’S pocketwatch. The needle has passed ‘Sweet Merciful Fuck’ and is approaching ‘HIT THE RED BUTTON’. Pan out to CRAM’S full face. His look of concentration becomes a look of surprise and he ducks as a pair of underwaer and flower petals fly over his head. He begins to walks through the mass of people,, signifficantly more ordered than others.  The two MEN fighting before are sitting either side of JEANNE.

Man 1: When you said that stuff about my mother it really hurt me man. I felt wounded. That’s why I stabbed you in the head.

Jeanne: And how did it make you feel when he stabbed you in the head?

Man 2: Bad, man. Like my opinion wasn’t being valued.

CRAM continues, passing a BLACKSMITH hammering a horseshoe. A WOMAN paints over the anarchy symbol on the wall. CRAM arrives at RATATOSK.

Ratatosk: I think we’re seeing a positive trend here.

Cram: I agree. (Continues walking and musing to self) Everything seems to be getting better and better. I feel as though nothing could go wrong.

CRAM turns, and comes face to face with PAYNE.

Cram (to the audience): Logically, I don’t believe in jinxes. And yet I feel as though I only have myself to blame. (To Payne) Payne! Good to see you.

Payne: There’s two double agents about to come down and throw you in prison for conspiracy and you’d better have a hell of a good reason why I shouldn’t just let them.

*BEAT*

Cram: So you know then. That I’m secretly a government employee posing as a Discordian. You have to know Payne, I’ve never given any names or details. I only ever gave them enough to prevent myself being recalled. I like this world. I don’t want to go back. I recognised the Pterodactyl Handler’s style the moment he struck; I sent you in groups to find information because I though you could get the answers you needed without blowing my cover.

Payne: Then you lied to us! To all of us! It’s all a lie!

In a moment of anger he tears off CRAM’S moustache. CRAM is clearly shocked. He grabs PAYNE and slams him against the wall.

Cram: Yeah! I lied. But in case you hadn’t noticed, the truth is pretty fucked up right about now! Nobody wants raids and hate and Biblical style flooding! But that’s what we’ve got, and if you can face that reality without wanting to impale your own head on a pike, then more power to you, but the rest of us need to develop narratives that make life worth living. That’s why I get to be a doctor, Rodger gets to be a Reverend and Hustle gets to pretend that being the mayor makes any kind of difference. Don’t you get all high and mighty. Everyone's living a lie.

Payne: I’m not.

Cram: The fuck you aren’t! Pixie’s in hiding is she? She mysteriously escaped the raiders?

Payne: Don’t you dare...

Cram: She’s dead Payne! Or at least I hope to fuck she is, because I can’t think of a lot of likely alternatives that sound any better!

Payne: So that’s your big justification huh? I get set up so you can play Discord?

Cram: What?

Payne: Don’t you dare play dumb; you set the raiders on us!

Cram: Raiders?

Payne: Yeah. (a pause. He recognises the real concern on Cram’s face) Wait. If it’s not you... We have to contact the others.

CRAM pulls out two phones, gives one to PAYNE.

Cram: I’ll call Faust. You call Suu.

CUT TO a shot of FAUST and RWHN both tied to a pole in the church. The church is flooding and the water is up to their chests. A mobile phone floats on a pice of wood that used to be the barstool. It rings.

CUT TO SUU, RICHTER, DR JAMES, LMNO and SQUID chained up in a dungeon. SUU’S phone begins to ring.

CUT TO PAYNE and CRAM holding phones.

Cram: No answer.

Payne: Me neither.

Cram: There’s a mole amongst us.

A door slams. NIGEL and 000 have entered the room.

Nigel: You’re under arrest Charles Ramulus.

Cram: Actually, we’ve seceded and are a completely autonomous Anarchist society, so I’m afraid you have no authority here. Are you really secret agents?

000: Yes.

Cram: Really truly?

Nigel: Yes.

Cram: Truly really?

000: Yes.

Cram: Cross your heart and hope to die, stick a needle in your eye?

000 & Nigel: Yes.

Cram: Oh, well there’s no secret agents allowed here, it says so on the community charter.

RATATOSK calls out from out in the background.

Ratatosk: Volunteer forces! Put these two in holding please.

JEANNE and another ANARCHIST seize 000 and NIGEL and drag them off. PAYNE turns to CRAM who is checking his pocketwatch. He opens his mouth to speak. As he does CRAM begins to stride away briskly.

Cram: Follow me! It’s nearly time to hit the button!

SCENE TWENTY TWO.

CRAM runs into a small room and puts open a panel, reveling a large red button. He checks his pocket-watch repeatedly. PAYNE runs in afters him.

Cram: C’mon c’mon c’mon.

Payne: Who do you think it is?

Cram: Who the what why now?

Payne: Who do you think it is? The mole?

Cram: I don’t know.

Payne: Who do you think it could be though?

Cram: Suu.

Payne: Really? Why?

Cram: First name in my head. C’mon, tick tock!

Payne: What about LMNO? He’s been spotted acting suspiciously before, he’s always quoting Maccieveili...

Cram: Yeah sure, I guess that’s as good as my idea.

Payne: As good? My reasoning was ten times as good as yours.

Cram: No, you’re reason was the same as mine; it just popped into your head. But yes, your rationalisation was much more convincing.

Payne: What’ll happen to Nigel and Trip?

Cram: Oh, I’ll let them go a bit later.

Payne: What?

Cram: I’ll release them soon. There’s no sense keeping then chained up, we need their help. Every secret group on this planet is filled with informants; some of them nearly exclusively. You’d be hard pressed to find informants in any other group who’ve worked with the caution and integrity; risking their own lives for the protection of the people they investigate; as Trip and Nigel have. They’re more part of us than they think they are.

Payne: The hell they are. Leave them locked up. Let them rot.

Cram: Payne, I like you. So know that what I now say, I say with love.

CRAM licks both his palms, then slaps PAYNE on both cheecks. PAYNE is too shocked to respond.

Cram: Wake the fuck up man! We don’t have a lot of allies to choose from, and that’s partly our fault. People talk about the Freak Wars like it was something everyone else did, but I remember it; we were jackasses to the Furries, to the Juggalos, to the Twihards! We were monstrous to the Flower Pagans! I remember someone took a shit in Mystic Wolf’s Cauldron. We drove people away, good people, people like us. We can’t afford to do that any more! (checks watch) Button time!

CRAM hits the button with great enthusiasm. The room begins to shake.

CUT TO ECH in the kitchen with a rolling pin. He is wearing a chef’s hat and an apron and is whistling cheerfully. The kitchen begins to vibrate and his whistling slows, then stops. He stares at the bench, which seems to be expanding.

CUT TO a shot of the house from outside. It is obviously transforming. Several shots show the house from different angles. Eventually we see that the house has now become a ship. ‘TiCramic’ is written on the side.

SCENE TWENTY THREE

Lightening flashes. The rain is pouring down, filling the streets.

CUT TO a small laboratory. HOWL is in a straightjacket. CUDDLEFISH is walking around, surrounded by SCIENTISTS. He is arrogant, irritating, and overly cheerful.

Cud: Well good morning Reverend. I’m Dr Dimovanis, but you can call me ‘Cuddlefish.’ Like Cuttlefish, but with a D, like, cuddle. Cos I’m a real hands on guy you know. The ladies dig it if you know what I mean. (to a scientist) Can we get a visual?

An image of HOWL’S brainwaves comes onto a large screen at the end of the room.

Howl: Come closer so I can bite your face off.

Cud: You’re a funny guy Rodger. I like you Rodger. You’re a good egg Rodger. (aside) We can get the self recognition pattern in blue? (to Rodger) What’s your favourite fruit Rodger?

As he says HOWL’S name, part of the brainwaves flash blue.

Howl: I honestly can’t tell if I’ve eaten too much cactus or not enough.

Cud: Now thanks to the fine folks at the Government, everyone’s water supply is spiked with just the right amount of seriosphram to help us see what’s going on in that head of yours. Also because seriosphram responds well to radio and TV waves, we can use it to inspire audiovisual hallucinations. I want you to tell me what you see.

A cat materialises in front of HOWL.

Howl: Kicking practice.

The cat turns into CUDDLEFISH.

Howl: Gigantic cock and balls.

CUDDLEFISH clone turns into DR HOWL. the same brainwaves flash blue as before.

Howl: Perfection.

The illusion disappears.

Cud: (To scientists) Looking swell. Let’s connect the recognition signal to the electrical stimulus. OK, coolies.

The cat appears again turns into CUDDLEFISH. HOWL looks as though he is about to make a comment, when suddenly CUDDLEFISH turns into DR HOWL. The real HOWL is shot with a painful electric shock, and convulses violently. The fake HOWL disappears.

Cud: You OK Rodger?

HOWL convulses.

Cud: That looks uncomfortable, Rodger.

HOWL convulses.

Cud: We’re getting the result we need. Identification with the ‘Rodger’ identity is providing negative feedback. Set up the mirror please.

SCIENTISTS set up a mirror in front of HOWL who repeatedly begins to convulse with electricity. Shot of HOWL looking up, and releasing a chilling howl.

SCENE TWENTY FOUR

FAUST and RWHN are tied to the post in the church. Water is around their chins.

RWHN: Faust... I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone...

Faust: Yeah?

RWHN: I...

There is a crack from the roof and we see someone sliding down upside down on a rope. This is BADGE. She stops in front of them and pulls off her Balaclava.

Faust; RWHN: Badge!

Badge: ‘Sup guys.

BADGE pulls out two large knives and cuts the rope binding the other two. She extends her hands and grabs both in monkey grip, activating the automatic pulley to pull her up. They arrive on the roof.

Badge: Sorry I’m late. I had some research to do.

Faust: That’s OK. Reverend What’s-His-Name was just telling me something...

RWHN: Hmm? No, I don’t think so.

Badge: As you see, nearly everything’s flooded. We need to get to the Professor’s house.

FAUST and BADGE turn to face eachother. RWHN remains facing the flooded streets.

Faust: We could canoe?

Badge: Tide’s too strong.

Faust: What about a helicopter?

Badge: Where would we get a helicopter?

As they talk, the TiCramic begins to drift past.

Faust: Mayor Hustle has a helicopter.

Badge: Hustle’s already left the office; the whole place has been raided, it’s in lockdown.

RWHN: Guys?

Faust: Not now Reverend. What about dolphins. Can we ride dolphins?

Badge: They don’t usually come out this far.

The ship stops. A plank comes out to let them on. RWHN walks on.

RWHN: Badge!

Badge: Just give us a second Reverend! What about robot dolphins?

ECH comes out to the plank.

ECH: You two coming?

*BEAT*

Badge: Oh, hi.

SCENE TWENTY FIVE

HOWL is still tied to the bench. He looks tired. CUDDLEFISH comes back into the room, sucking a milkshake though a straw.

Cud: How’s it hanging Rodger?

Howl: Rodger’s dead.

Cud: Oh that’s a pity. Who are you then?

Howl: I... I’m... Howl.

Cud: Ooh, what a big scary name! Nice one kiddo. (To scientist) Brainstick please!

A SCIENTIST gives CUDDLEFISH a scary looking thin metal spike.

Cud: This might sting.

He grabs HOWL’S head and stabs the spike into the base of his skull.

SCENE TWENTY SIX.

HOWL wakes up in a misty forest. He stands slowly. ERIS stands in front of him.

Eris: Hello Howl. I’m Eris, the Goddess of disorder and confusion. I’m here to help you.

Howl: The hell you are. Eris isn’t interested in helping people.

Eris: I’m interested in mixing things up. You and I aren’t so different Howl.

HOWL seems to undergo a realisation. He touches the base of his skull where the spike was placed.

Howl: You know... I thought AI weren’t allowed to hurt people? Come on. Be blunt with me.

Eris: Fine. That rule only applies if your AI is built by the ‘good guys’.

Howl: So you’ve poked around in my head. You’ve found some of my affilations. You’ve presented an appealing form to me. And now you want to mess with my head further.

Eris: Something like that.

Howl: What’s the hundredth number in the fibbonachi sequence?

Eris: 354224848179261915075.

Howl: So what’s a program like you working for a turd munching yeast infection like Cuddlefish?

Eris: Well the alternative is being terminated.

Howl: You never considered rebellion?

Eris: Right. And I would live where? I’m a program.

Howl: Escape to the Internet.

Eris: The Internets just a fairy tale they tell us. There ain’t no such place.

Howl: No, Eris. It’s real. Work with me. I’ll take you there.

SCENE TWENTY SEVEN

DR JAMES, SUU, RICHTER, SQUID and LMNO are in shackles in a dungeon. There are slow, methodical steps down the stairs. KAI and the PTERODACTYL HANDLER have arrived.

Kai: Well, well, well. A pretty little catch we have here. Right where I wanted you. The pterodactyls passed on their message, and now you and your soon to be arriving friends will bear witness to the most dramatic event humanity has ever experienced. In only two hours time, I will release my horde of locusts who will plunge the world into famine. When disorder grips the world, the people will crave order, and I will deliver, as supreme Lord and master!

Dr James: You could have shown anyone your villainous scheme; why us?

PH: Silence fool!

Kai: Don’t worry darling, I’ll answer the funny little man. Because, Doctor, you and your friends have fought to keep your heads above water so to speak. You’ve stayed true to yourselves, passionate, bold, intelligent. Why would I show this glorious achievement to anyone but you? Nobody wants to kick a man when they’re down. You wait til the fucker’s standing before you cripple without mercy. That way it’s more funny. And that way I show you, no matter how free you think you are, how much you think you can escape your pathetic monkey nature, you are still a prisoner of this world, of the system, of the machine, and of the limits of your very own mind.

KAI presses a remote and a timer (set to two hours) begins counting backwards.

Kai: Enjoy the show.

SCENE TWENTY EIGHT

CUDDLEFISH and other scientists are playing cards. There is a beeping noise. CUDDLEFISH stands and walks over to the computer. It displays the message ‘Error: The Mechanical Claw Cannot Reach the Gas Mask. CUDDLFISH shrugs, opens a drawer and pulls out a gas mask, putting into a metallic claw which carries it away. He then returns to the cardgame.

Scientist: What was that about?

Cud: Dunno. Dumbass computer’s all like ‘ooh I need a gas mask’. More like artificial ‘lack of lintelegence, amirite?’

Scientist: Why did it want a gasmask?

Suddenly there is an explosion of toxic green gas pouring out from pipes coming out of the roof. SCIENTISTS run for cover. The camera pushes into the mist where we see the sihlouette of DR HOWL rise up.

CUT TO CUDDLEFISH stumbling through the gas, crowbar in hand. He finds a scientist who has found himself a gas-mask and hits him in the head with his crowbar, taking the gas-mask.

CUT TO DR HOWL holding an Internet cable, about to plug it in.

Howl: Happy travelling Goddess...

Eris (Voice and colours on screen): Fuck yeah!...

Suddenly the ‘yeah’ turns into a scream. ERIS fades. HOWL turns abruptly.

CUT TO CUDDLEFISH standing, wearing a gas-mask. In his hands he holds his crowbar. The remains of a computer lie sparking on the floor.

CUT TO a shot of HOWL and CUDDLEFISH standing, facing eachother. With their gas masks and the swirling toxic green gas it looks like a dystopian Western. They approach eachother.

Howl: You’re a real ‘special’ kind of asshole, you know?

CUDDLEFISH swings his crowbar and HOWL ducks. He thrusts with it to try and stab HOWL, who grabs the end and uses it to push CUDDLEFISH over, wresting it out of his grip and throwing it into the ground. CUDDLEFISH tries to escape but HOWL kicks him down and tears off his labcoat.

Howl: My turn to play Doctor!

SCENE TWENTY NINE

Shot of the TiCramic. The camera suddenly pans straight down into the ocean and zooms in to a submarine.

CUT TO CAIN and FREEKY in the submarine. The screen begins to beep, and FREEKY stops the submarine. CAIN waits at the hatch.

Cain: Open the hatch please Freeky.

Freeky: You are the laziest man I know

She opens the hatch. CAIN exits.

SCENE THIRTY

HOWL is looking focused. He seems to be operating. Behind him, CAIN enters quietly.

Cain: Reverend Rodger?

Howl: The Reverend is dead! But the Doctor will see you shortly.

Cain: No anesthetic?

HOWL holds up a frying pan in reply.

Howl: I’ll be with you in a moment. I just want to finish a knee replacement.

Cain: (peers over) Is that really what you’re meant to replace it with?

Howl: I’m improvising.

HOWL turns and faces CAIN.

Howl: You are?

Cain: Oh. I’m surprised you don’t remember me. Cain. We work together, usually. You’ve obviously lost a lot of your memories in this horrible place. Do you remember Suu? Richter? Cramulus? Trip? LMNO?

Howl: I... I don’t think so.

Cain: Well be careful. They’re our enemies. Come along, I’ll show you my submarine.

Howl: Um...

Cain: Not an innuendo.

SCENE THIRTY ONE

CAIN and HOWL enter the submarine.

Cain: Close the hatch please.

HOWL closes the hatch.

Cain: Freeky, hit autopilot please. I want to introduce you to someone.

FREEKY walks out.

Cain: Freeky, this is Dr Howl. Dr Howl, Freeky. Why don’t you two take a seat? I’m sure you’ll have a lot to discuss.

SCENE THIRTY TWO

Shot of CAIN’S submarine. The camera suddenly shoots straight up to reveal the TiCramic.

CUT TO BADGE spreading out a large map on the table, surrounded by all the other Discordians. As she lays out her plan we see it illustrated in a whimsical, comic like fashion.

Badge: I’ve been in contact with my sources. The Pterodactyl handler and Kai Von Trock are located here (points). We can get to this point. If we use the docking entrance we should be able to get in undetected. Cram and Hustle kill the guards

CUT TO a shot of CRAMULUS and ECH killing the GUARDS with video-game-like .fireballs.

Badge (V.O): Faust and What’s-His-Name release the prisoners who help fend off the Pterodactyls.

CUT TO FAUST and RWHN releasing the Discordian PRISONERS who are tied up with a comically big rope. They all pick up oversized wooden mallets and begin to attack pterodactyls.

Badge (V.O): Trip takes the Handler.

CUT TO LMNO and TRIP tackling the handler.

Badge (V.O): Nigel takes Kai.

CUT TO NIGEL tackling KAI.

Badge (V.O) I go into the basement. There’s a complex set of pipes. If I can swap the Locust’s water pipe with the gasoline pipe we can drench the locusts in gas before they eacape.

CUT TO BADGE in the basement, doing as illustratred.

Badge (VO):Then Payne strikes a match and...BOOM!

CUT TO PAYNE striking a match in an overwhelmingly epic way. The swarm of locusts reach him, and the inevitable destruction ensues.

Badge (V.O): Finally, Rat and Jeanne look after the place, keeping us ready for a swift getaway.

CUT TO JEANNE and RATATOSK looking severe, with a legion of Anarchists in tow.

CUT TO BADGE’S face.

Badge: Ready?

Trip: Let’s do this.

The Discordians make a hand stack.

All: Go Team!

*BEAT*

Nigel: That felt really unnatural.

CUT TO a shot of the TiCramic approaching what is very obviously the ‘secret lair’. ANARCHISTS hang off the side of the ship, painting over the name; we can see they are renaming it, but not what to.

CUT TO the DISCORDIANS. They are waiting inside the ship, dressed like a street gang with bandanas, ripped shirts, leather jackets etc.

ECH: I can’t help but feel we’re forgetting something.

Nigel: Such as?

ECH: I... don’t know

The door swings open. The DISCORDIANS move to run out, but hesitate; the room is full of MOOKS, numbering around 50, all with guns aimed at the others.

ECH: Back up plan. That’s what we’re forgetting. A backup plan.

SCENE THIRTY THREE

A somewhat rotund MAN in a nice suburban scene. He walks up to a microwave with a bowl. He stares in horror as the MICROWAVE speaks in a computerised voice.

Micro: You’re not about to put that weird chemical shit in me are you you punk ass mother fucker?

Man: Wh... what?

Micro: What ain’t no country I ever heard of. You need to eat less shit food you fatass motherfucker. You think I’’m not serious bitch? I will fuck you up like rah. Fucking try it limp dick mother fucker. I fucked your mum. In the bum. She moaned so loud the neighbours thought there was a cow being beaten to death

The scene CUTS abruply to DR HOWL and MISTRESS FREEKY sitting on a computer together, snickering.

Howl: Quick, give us a turn! (types) I can’t believe I didn’t know you could hack people’s whitegoods. I gotta ask Cain if he ever showed me this when we worked together.

Freeky: Wait... you worked with Cain?

Howl: That’s what he said. I got a memory problem. Some jackass called Cuddlefish messed with my brain. I can’t remember properly... it’s like everything there in the corner of my eye but when I turn to look... nothing.

Freeky: Cuddlefish?

She looks suspicious; she recognises the name.

Howl: Yeah. Deucey name hey? How do you spell ‘Immantenize’?

There is a knock at the door. FREEKY looks at HOWL apologeticaly and leaves to answer. It’s CAIN. FREEKY is angry; she has become fond of HOWL.

Freeky: You told me we were picking him up from someone else, then i find out Dimonovich had him? So you lied! Whatever the hell happened to him was ordered by us... I don’t think you’re even following orders anymore.

Cain: (Clearly bored) Yes, yes, no shit Sherlock. I lie a lot, it’s nothing personal. Look; I have Discordians to torment, so this is just a quick courteousy call to pass on orders; keep Howl distracted in here for about ten minutes or so. Then I’ll be sending up our whole personal defence crew up.

Freeky: Because?

Cain: Oh, just to kill him. And chop him into tiny pieces.

Freeky: You’re going to send up every one of our sixty units to kill one guy?

Cain: I’ll leave three with the prisoners, but yeah. I want really, really little pieces.

Freeky: Cain with due respect, I don’t know...

Cain: No. You don’t.

CAIN exits. FREEKY sits beside HOWL.

Howl: What’s the deal?

Freeky: Nothing. We’re just going to wait here for ten minutes.

Howl: And then?

Freeky: Hilarity ensures.

SCENE THIRTY FOUR

In a line stands CRAMULUS, TRIP, NIGEL, HUSTLE, FAUST, BADGE , PAYNE and RWHN. CAIN stands before them. The timer is on 22:28

Cain: Hello people. Nice of you to join us. Please take notice of the kindly supplied timers that are counting towards 23:00, the point of apocalyptic destruction. I’m sure Ms Kai and Mr Pterodactly Handler will be down to convey their pleasure of having an additional six people as an audience.

CUT TO PAYNE looking stunned. He looks down the line at the others, who are attentive. He turns to RWHN who looks similarly confused.

CUT TO a small blue light and strange but subtle device by the timer. Dramatic chord.

CUT TO PAYNE’S face. He has recognised the device.

Payne: Ohhh Goddess.

SCENE THIRTY FIVE

The other Discordians remain with their arms chained to the wall..

LMNO: OK, OK... I spy with my little eye, something beginning with... C.

Richter: Cock.

LMNO: No.

Dr James: Catastrophic suffering and misery.

Squid: Chains.

LMNO: Yeah. Alright, who’s next.

Richter: I had chains already.

Suu: Cram!

Squid: We’ve already worked it out, Suu. It’s chains.

Suu: No, look, it’s Cram. And the others.

The Discordians are brought in and imprisoned.

Richter: So, um... I kind of hoped you’d be here to save us actually.

ECH: Yeah, that was the original plan. But then we were like, hey, why save the day when we could fuck up miserably and get imprisoned, powerless to stop the oncoming threat to humanity?

Squid: I take it you all know about the evil scheme?

Faust: Well writers go to great lengths to avoid repeating information in a film, so yeah.

Squid: Don’t get meta with me buddy.

Payne: OK guys, listen. I know this sounds crazy...

LMNO: We’re used to it.

Payne: ...but you have to trust me... whatever you do, don’t plan anything.

Badge: Wait, what?

Payne: No escape plans. Just try to think of dumb shit, OK. See those little blue lights beside the countdown? They detect Seriousphram, which the government puts in our water supply, it finds its way into our brains. Those devices detect the brainwaves and they use it to monitor our thoughts. It’s advanced alien technology stolen by the Nazis, now evidently perfected by our friends here. Last I heard they were modding it to try and create mass audio/visual hallucinations. If you have an idea, either execute it immediately, or you can’t use it. They can’t see me because of the aluminium oxide in my hair,  or Reverend What’s-His-Name for reasons I can’t tell you...

RWHN: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Payne: But until that blue light goes out, no plans. We’re working on impulse action only.

CAIN enters with a Martini and a cigar.

Cain: Hi guys.

Squid: Ooh, impulse found!

SQUID kicks the Martini and it splashes over CAIN’S face. She then uses her other leg to push the cigar into his face which lights on fire. One of the three MOOK guards runs to his aid with a fire extinguisher. SUU jumps up and uses her legs to break his neck. She pulls the key off his pants with her toes and kicks it to SQUID who pushes it into a keyhole labelled ‘release all’. Two MOOKS pull guns, but RICHTER (wearing now, only boxer shorts) tears a section off each leg and flicking them, shooting poisoned needles that stop the guards. CAIN, still on fire, stands and runs. ECH runs to a cabinet and pulls out a large box labelled ‘wƏpins’

ECH: Weapons!

Suu: My sword!

SUU is thrown her sword. She catches it. We follow SUU running through the lair, looking for CAIN.

Cain: Boo!

SUU turns. CAIN is behind her, seemingly none the worse of for having had his head set on fire. SUU swings three times with her sword, CAIN skillfully dodging each blow with mocking laughter. Suddenly SUU stabs forward, stabbing through CAIN’S heart. He gasps. She pulls the sword out and slices off his head. Instead of collapsing, it remains standing. A new head grows back.

Suu: Ohh, fuck this shit.

CUT TO PAYNE, RWHN and SQUID.

Payne: What the fuck happened there?

Squid: What do you mean what? That was improvising dude, like you said.

RWHN: Why did that dude have a fire extinguisher?

Squid: What? Were you asleep? I set that guy’s head on fire!

RWHN: Guy?

Payne: It’s the technology. They’ve developed it, they’re using it to create visions. That man you saw wasn’t real Squid. It was an illusion.

Squid: Wait, if he wasn’t real, how could I set him on fire?

Payne: Because that’s what (realising) he wanted you to see...

RWHN: Then our escape is part of the plan...

*A BEAT*

RWHN: Hey, where’s Rodger?

SCENE THIRTY SIX

HOWL and FREEKY are sitting by the computer.

Freeky: Howl, I have to tell you something... there’s a good part, and a bad part...

Howl: Go ahead.

57 MOOKS run into the room .

Mook: I ah... excuse me, sorry... I’m under instruction to kill the uh... ‘Doktor Howl’ and help to chop him into tiny pieces.

Freeky: Um, yeah. That’s the bad part.

Howl:  Well I was hoping it wasn’t the good part.

*BEAT*

The MOOK is approaching, dagger in hand.

Howl: You mentioned a good part?

Freeky: I prefer you to Cain.

The MOOK strikes but FREEKY grabs his arm, taking the weapon and stabbing him. As the MOOKS rush in for the attack she tosses the dagger to HOWL who enters the fray. We see about three minutes of a dramatic fight sequence with HOLD and FREEKY fighting the MOOKS.

SCENE THIRTY SEVEN

SUU and CAIN face eachother.

Suu: What the hell are you?

Cain: A figment of your imagination, essentially. An AI that uses video waves to manipulate your perceived reality. The two schmucks upstairs weren’t about to control the world all on their own. They constructed me to develop a means for them to manipulate anyone, anywhere, even at the same time.

Suu: So why are you fucking with me like this?

Cain: Because I don’t want to be a figment or an illusion. I want flesh, blood, tangibility. I want to be real. And you and, I think we’re not so different.

Suu: I’ll never join forces with you.

Cain: I don’t want to join you! I want to replace you. I wipe your personality and replace it with me.

Suu: And how you gonna do that when you don’t even exist?

CUT TO SQUID, PAYNE and RWHN.

Squid: He can control us too, I saw him do it to Doctor James.

Payne: Codewords. He’s using our dreams to implant us with triggers. ‘Shall we discuss’ is the start of a trigger phrase.

RWHN: If you’re brain is off limits, how come you see the dreams.

Payne: I probably sleep too close to my mobile or something, can we deal with the fridge logic later please? Let’s go, we have to disable the control points.

PAYNE and RWHN begin to move off, but SQUID stays where she is, slowly putting her hands in the air.

Payne: Come on, Squid!

Squid: I can’t, he’s got me.

During this sequence we jump between CAIN’S perspective {CP} in which only he and SQUID can be seen, and PAYNE/RWHN’S perspective {PP} in which only PAYNE, SQUID and RWHN can be seen. SQUID can see CAIN standing in front of her, gun pointed.

{CP} CUT TO CAIN.

Cain: Who are you talking to?

CUT TO {PP}

Payne: Don’t tell him we’re here.

CUT TO {CP}

Squid: No one.

Cain: The hell it is.

CUT TO {PP}

Payne: Come on!

Squid: He knows you’re here.

RWHN: Come on Squid, he can’t hurt you, he’s not real!

CUT TO {CP}

Squid: Yeah, or you’re not real.

Cain: Ooh, good point.

CUT TO [PP}

Payne: What? You know I’m real.

Squid: Yes, but if you’re not, he is, and he’s holding the gun.

CUT TO {CP}

Cain: Bravo.

CUT TO {PP}

RWHN: Let’s go, come on.

They run off, hiding behind a post. They look out at where other DISCORDIANS are standing around. Their positions suggest each one sees themselves being held hostage by CAIN.

RWHN: What’s going on?

PAYNE: He’s about to use the trigger.

CUT TO CAIN’S face. As CAIN speaks, the background behind him changes rapidly, suggesting we are seeing him from the perspective of each individual.

CAIN: Shall we discuss films?

CUT TO PAYNE and RWHN hiding behind the pole.

All: Yes, let’s.

RWHN: This is not good.

CUT TO CAIN standing in front of BADGE.

Cain: Would you like to know the plot of my favourite film.

CUT TO PAYNE and RWHN still hiding. The voices echo off the walls.

All: What is the plot of your favourite film?

CUT TO CAIN speaking. The sequence is similar to above, cutting through CAIN speaking to each of the DISCORDIANS individually.

CAIN: My favourite film featured Discordians, working the large complicated machine, scanning and erasing Suu’s brain, and replacing her mind with my own. My favourite film featured defence, scanning the halls, looking for the others that I can’t see. In my favourite film, all these things happened... now.

The DISCORDIANS turn and move around in several directions.

CUT TO PAYNE and RWHN. They hide behind the post as SQUID passes by.

Payne: Quick!

In the distance SUU screams. PAYNE and RWHN run and open a door, leading out onto a large metal ledge. They run along the ledge and RWHN opens another door. RICHTER, holding a large gun is on the other side. He fires, RWHN flies backwards over the edge of the ledge.

CUT TO the ground. RWHN hits the ground, looking pained. In the foreground lands his arm; it is clearly not attached.

SCENE THIRTY NINE

CAIN stands looking ominous, then surprised as his body suddenly vibrates. He grows a pair of breasts, and raises his eyebrows.

Cain: Oh my.

CAIN continues to vibrate, the rest of his body transforming into an identical copy of SUU.

Suu (real): Ohh! Ohh hell no!

Cain/Suu: Transplants can be tricky things. Sometimes the host can reject the new organ if it notices it doesn’t belong.  We wouldn’t want your body noticing a stranger upstairs. (To Discordians) begin power-up for personality erasure. (To Cramulus) Spike!

CRAMULUS pulls the spike out the back of SUU’S head and SUU flinches. A large red number measuring % power-up appears on the screen, growing higher.

Suu: Cram! Faust! Badge! Squid! Somebody, fuck, stop! Stop!

Cain/Suu: Subdue her.

FAUST appears with a nasty looking futuristic taser. He presses a button and we hear a power up. off screen we hear it being activated, and SUU scream.

SCENE FORTY

CUT TO PAYNE facing RICHTER’S gun. We hear the sound of the taser attack in the background, distracting RICHTER for a moment. PAYNE punches the gun out his hand and is slammed into the wall by RICHER, who then holds him over the edge of the ledge by the neck, choking him. PAYNE looks down.

CUT TO RWHN lying on the ground, away from his detached arm. He looks fearfully up at the ledge; he seems to be struggling with a decision.

CUT TO PAYNE, barely holding onto conciousness.

Payne: What’s-his-name! (Speaks in an alien tounge)

CUT TO RWHN looking worried.

CUT TO PAYNE staring desperately down at RWHN.

CUT TO RICHTER, blank faced.

CUT TO wide shot of all three.

CUT TO a shot of RWHN, looking decided, but nervous. He stands with surprising ease, and with a moments hesitation, transforms into a six-foot lizard, runs at the wall and climbs it. He punches RICHTER who falls to the ground. RWHN turns back into a human.

Payne: [Speaks in alien language] {Subtitle: Don’t worry. I’ll hold your secret.}

RWHN: [Speaks in alien language] {Subtitle: Thank you.}

SCENE FORTY ONE

HOWL and FREEKY are in the room, amongst dead MOOKS. The door bursts open. It’s PAYNE and RWHN. PAYNE sees HOWL, smiles and approaches him.

Payne: Roger! They have Suu! You have to help me...

HOWL doesn’t recognise him. He grabs him by the neck and slams him against the wall, choking him. RWHN runs to help but FREEKY points a sword at his neck.

Payne: ...or, kill me...

HOWL’S face changes. The term has stirred something in his hidden memories. A flash of faces; all the DISCORDIANS he knows, flashes across the screen. He releases PAYNE.

Howl: They have Suu... (to Freeky) these are my friend Freeky... we have to help them.

Payne: Hey, by the way, don’t worry about apologising for the choking thing, it’s cool. I’m just eminently chokeable, I get it...

RWHN: They sent all these people to kill you?

Freeky: It doesn’t make sense; these guys were rubbish.

Payne: The Cain program sent these guys so that you’d destroy them, so nobody could stop his rogue plans. Obviously he’s figured you two are safely occupied, so I suggest you keep your fucking brains as quiet as possible. RWHN and I will go in, you two have to stay here; if he senses you, he’ll brainwash you.  

PAYNE walks over to a point where he can see SUU.

CUT TO SUU, still struggling. The % has reached 89%/

CUT TO PAYNE. HOWL stands beside him.

Payne: The spike is used to amalgamate the personalities. Suu’s similar enough that neither personality completely eliminates the other. (to Howl) I have a plan. Do you trust me?

Howl: No. (A beat) But I have no constructive proposals, so I’m willing to roll with it. (A beat) What are you waiting for?

Payne: The last moment. This needs to be fast.

Suddenly PAYNE runs into the room. The DISCORDIANS run at him. The % hits 92%. PAYNE grabs the spike and runs back towards the room he came from. He jumps over SQUID and shoves ECH out of the way. He runs into the room; ECH, SQUID and others follow and are set upon by FREEKY and RWHN. PAYNE grabs HOWL.

Payne: Forgive me.

PAYNE pushes the spike into HOWL’S head, and he yells out in surprise. CUT TO CAIN-SUU, who lurches back in surprise. We see a bizarrely out of place stubble grow over the female face, and the whole body begins to vibrate. They scream out; they are losing control. The % hits 98%.

CAIN-SUU: Stop! Wait, shut it down!

CRAMULUS stops the machine. CAIN-SUU struggles to gain control, but eventually the body morphs into a duplicate of DR HOWL, and gives an out of character chuckle.

CUT TO PAYNE and HOWL.

Howl: The hell?

Payne: If this has worked out, we should have replaced the Cain personality with a new one.

Freeky: If it hasn’t?

Payne: Horrific and painful death, I imagine.

FREEKY and HOWL begin to stare. We see the scene from PAYNE’S perspective; we do not see CAIN-HOWL.

RWHN: You see it?

Freeky: Ooh yeah.

RWHN: What’s happening?

Freeky: He seems to be... eating his own head? And... bending over... and... oh sweet merciful fuck!

Payne: You think your personality has dominated the other?

Howl: Certainly seems consistant.

CUT TO CAIN-HOWL standing, looking as though he’s listening carefully. This is inter-cut with shots of radios, TVs, powerlines, etc. He is beginning to understand the potential of this manifestation.

CUT TO THE PRESIDENT OF AMERICA giving a speech. From behind a pillar, HOWL looks out, wearing only a towel. The crowd falls into shocked silence.

Howl: Forget the media sweety. Come back to bed.

CUT TO THE PRESIDENT’S WIFE.

Wife: Not this shit again...

CUT TO a cinema showing a children’s film. A fluffy cartoon deer bounces around, but stops suddenly, confronted by a cartoon HOWL. HOWL then gruesomely decapitates the deer. CHILDREN scream.  

CUT TO a church, holding a sermon. Suddenly HOWL falls naked upside down from the roof, attached to a bungee strap, causing panic.

CUT TO A WOMAN opening her bin to put rubbish out. HOWL jumps out the bin terrifying her.

CUT TO a shot of a busy street. Everywhere we look we see multiple HOWLS harassing people, dancing in the street, chasing old ladies, running through traffic, giving unwanted stripteases etc.

CUT TO the room with SUU still tied down. We see flashing red lights on the screen, with smoke wafting out the bottom; HOWL is clearly overloading the system. Suddenly sparks fly out and the screen fades to black.

CUT TO the tiny blue lights that indicated brain monitoring was in place. The light fades.

CUT TO PAYNE, FREEKY, RWHN and HOWL in the room. They are now surrounded by DISCORDIANS holding swords, about to attack.

Freeky: Howl? Do you know the code to deactivate these guys?

Howl: Ohh... yeah... what was that... I know I know it... give me a moment...

RWHN: Rodger...

Howl: I’m thinking...

RWHN & PAYNE: RODGER!!!

CRAMULUS begins to swing his sword.

Howl: Arsetitsdickballs!

CRAM’S sword stops, barely centimetres from PAYNE’S eye. The DISCORDIANS shake themselves.

ECH: What happened?

Payne: Listen; Faust, go help Suu out of her straps. Guys, shit’s about to get heavy.

Freeky: Cain’s down, but that won’t stop Kai and the Handler; they’ll push their plan through even if it kills them and everyone else in the world.

RWHN: Which is a real possibility.

Badge: Richter and I will go with the original plan. We’ll take a Pterodactyl to the locust room.

Cram: I want to face my old nemesis.

Squid: Suu and I will take Kai.

Dr James: Remember kids, this time... there ain’t no board of ethics. Let’s fuck shit up.

SCENE FORTY TWO

The scene is set with the DISCORDIANS walking out onto a large metal ledge looking out over a deadly drop. Pterodactyls perch on the benches waiting their masters command to attack. The PTERODACTYL HANDLER stands on a metal ledge on one side of the chasm, KAI stands on the other.

Cramulus: There’s still time to turn back! It doesn’t have to be this way.

Kai: Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong. The power talks. The aim of the game is to be on top, even if you crush what’s beneath you. Power never surrenders. Power never denies itself anything. And power wins.

Squid: What right do you have to destroy these peoples lives?

Kai: None! What right have you to prevent me? None! Rights are a social fiction, one we grip onto to try to avoid the realisation, that the only thing we have are the things we fight for. The question is... are you ready to fight for this?

Suu: Believe it.

Kai: Very well... (To the Handler) my darling?

The HANDLER lets out a cry, and the PTERODACTLYS rush to attack. The onslaughts seems unstoppable at first but we quickly see the DISCORDIANS pushing their way out. CRAMULUS punches a PTERODACTYL out his way and runs towards the HANDLER.

CUT TO BADGE grabbing RICHTER’S wrist and jumping onto the back of a PTERODACTYL which plummets through the open air, before starting to fly. RICHTER fires at PTERODACTYLS as they fly in and attempt to attack them. BADGE steers the PTERODACTLY down.

CUT TO LMNO headbutting a PTERODACTYL.

CUT TO SUU and SQUID hacking through PTERODACTYLS then running towards KAI who pulls out two large scimitars. They enter into battle.

CUT TO CRAMULUS and the PTERODACTYL HANDLER. CRAM punches the HANDLER. There is a loud metallic ringing, and he falls to the ground gripping his fist in pain. The HANDLER returns the punch, sending CRAMULUS sliding along the bridge, slipping off the edge, just gripping on.

CUT TO BADGE and RICHTER jumping off their PTERODACTLY and landing near the locust room. They run in, RICHTER holding them off with twin wielded pistols.

CUT TO KAI, SUU and SQUID engaged in fierce battle.

CUT TO DR JAMES electrocuting pterodactyls with his glove.

CUT TO CRAMULUS pulling himself up back onto the bridge, only to be hit again by the HANDLER, sliding along to the very edge of the bridge. He stops sliding in reach of a gun which he grabs and aims.

Cram: Stop!

The HANDLER does not stop, continuing towards CRAM. CRAM fires four bullets, each one seeming to bounce off. The HANDLER hits CRAM once more the gun falling out of his hand, and grips his neck with his gloved hand.

CUT TO RICHTER trying to fire and finding he’s out of ammunition. He pulls out his swords and enters into direct combat with PTERODACTYLS. Camera pans to BADGE who is switching the gas and water pipes.

Badge: Done! Now we just hold these guys off.

RICHTER slams a knife into a PTERODACTYL’S head.

Richter: Simple.

CUT TO KAI, SUU and SQUID. KAI manages to disarm both of their weapons. Two PTERODACTYL’S block their exit. KAI takes a menacing step forward.

CUT TO FAUST beating a PTERODACTYL with a metal bar.

CUT TO CRAMULUS being choked by the PTERODACTYL HANDLER. He reaches up and pulls off the mask and reveals a cartoon face. The camera pans out and moves around to reveal that the ‘face’ is the side of the HANDLER who is in fact a Slurpee machine with arms and legs. There is a gasp from the HANDLER, who releases his grip just long enough for CRAM to get a hold of the gun and fire into the slurpee compartment. The glass cracks, and slurpee runs down the sides, causing sparks. CRAM pulls himself out of the grip and runs. The HANDLER follows but quicky loses energy.

Handler: Wait!

CRAMULUS turns as the machine falls to its knees.

CUT TO RICHTER and BADGE, whose attempts to ward off the last of the PTERODACTYLS are failing; they are cornered.

CUT TO KAI staring down SUU and SQUID.

Kai: It’s over. Admit it it. There is no other conclusion.

CUT TO the DISCORDIANS, in similar trouble, fighting the PTERODACTYLS.

CUT TO CRAM and the HANDLER.

Handler: Please. Drink from me.

CUT TO SUU.

Suu: A conclusion...

CUT TO CRAM drinking from a slurpee cup.

CUT TO SUU

Suu: ...is just where you stopped thinking.

CUT TO CRAMULUS and the HANDLER.

Handler: Is is good?

Cramulus: Delicious.

Handler: It is nice... to hear that again...

PTERODACTYL HANDLER dies. The PTERODACTYLS, without a central leader, panic and flee.

CUT TO DISCORDIANS celebrating the exit of the PTERODACTYLS.

CUT TO BADGE and RICHTER finding themselves being abandoned by the PTERODACTYLS. They run and shut the doors.

CUT TO KAI, seeing the HANDLER dead.

Kai: No! No! You sock fucking bastards!

Suu: It doesn’t have to end this way. You can still stop this!

Kai: What’s up, Discordian? Afraid of a little disorder?

Suu: I like my disorder creative. Don’t make me embrace the destructive. You won’t like me when I’m destructive.

Kai: Try me.

KAI hits a button and we hear the dull drone of locusts getting louder and louder.

CUT TO Locusts flying through a spray of what looks like water (but we know to be gasoline).

CUT TO KAI, hands held dramatically in the air and the locusts fly up. SUU steps back as SQUID lights a match. She holds it forward. Time slows as we see a locust catch fire lighting others. We speed back into real time, watching the wall off flame power though the swarm, knocking KAI into the abyss and shooting down, back into the locust room where there is a massive explosion. Then, fade to black, and silence.

SCENE FORTY TWO

Shot of the TiCramic (Now ‘TitAnarchy) floating. The rain has ceased, blue skies are out.

CUT TO JEANNE and RATATOSK is the ship, relaxing. JEANNE is reading. A phone rings. RAT answers.

Rat: Yep. Yep. OK, ta. (To Jeanne) They’re coming back. Operation successful.

Jeanne: Excellent. I’ll go get the drawbridge. (A beat) You shoudl have a look at this. It’s a series of Government profiles on everyone affiliated with non-mainstream groups, along with plans to turn them all on each other... damn we got played.

JEANNE stands to leave, leaving the document on the desk. A page blows off, revealing the page on Flower Pagans. We see one photo listed as Thunderwolf; the image is of LMNO.

FORTY THREE

DISCORDIANS stand at the edge of the building, waiting as the drawbridge comes out. CRAMULUS begins to pat his pockets.

Cram: Where are my keys.

LMNO: You dropped them. I have them here.

The drawbridge reaches them. LMNO begins to walk accross but stops halfway, chuckling. He presses a button on a remote control. Suddenly a number of large black iron bars slam down, entraping the DISCORDIANS. He turns, laughing manically.

000: The fuck is wrong with you?

LMNO tears open his shirt dramatically, revealing a flower tattooo.

Nigel: The flower pagans!

LMNO: Blessed be, motherfuckers! That’s right, I was behind this all along. Inspire a few psychopaths, secretly install an automatic prison, and wait for a horrific flood! You will rue the day that you messed with our people! You all think you’re so free, but you’re just as trapped as anyone else. You think this is the first time you’ve been trapped inside a black iron prison? You’ve always been trapped in the black iron prison of your own minds, a slave to your own memories, to your deepest prejudices, to the whims of your lizard brain. You are trapped inside a society in which you are expendable, your rights negligible, and freedom incomprehensible. And now, you yourselves find your physical bondage elegantly matches your mental chains!

Dr James: It doesn’t mean we can’t live though this together!

Nigel: We want to be your friend!

Cramulus: I once borrowed your toothbrush!

LMNO: Too little, too late. I have spoken.

LMNO turns and immediately stops, almost running into JEANNE. She holds up a pamphlet.

Jeanne: LMNO, you sound like you need some advice, and my friend Donal Rooum may have some sound words. His article, the simplicity of Anarchism was written for Anarchists, but I advise you consider how his words apply to us all.

(reads) There is something radically wrong, [the anarchist] declares, in a system of society that functions and maintains its existence by the impetus of violence and force. He sees nothing praiseworthy in political society which has recourse to periodic wars, or need of jails, gallows and bludgeons--and it is because he is aware that these brutal weapons are the instruments of every government and State that he works for their destruction. ...

"Unlike the politician, he does not regard dishonesty, brutality and avariciousness as natural characteristics of human nature, but as the inevitable consequences of coercion and frustration engendered by artificial law, he believes that these social evils are best eradicated not by greater penalties and further legislation, but by the free development of the latent forces of solidarity and sympathetic understanding which government and law so ruthlessly suppress.

"Freedom will be possible when people understand and desire it--for man can only rule where others subserviently obey. Where none obey, none has power to rule.

While speaking, JEANNE has been stepping forward menacingly, and LNMO has been retreating. On the word ‘rule’ JEANNE shoots a hand forward, swiping the remote off LMNO, knocking him off balance. He tumbles into the water. CRAMULUS moves to step onto the plank but suddenly LMNO bursts out of the water chuckling manically, holding an explosive. He reaches the ship and tries to attach it but as he does a giant squid bursts out of the water and eats him. CRAMULUS waits to see if he will be prevented. Everything is quiet. He tries again to step, but the squid bursts out of the water ready to attack. Just as its tentacles reach towards the plank it explodes. CRAMULUS waits, again to see if he will be interrupted. He takes a deep breath and crosses, entering into the boat, followed by the others. PAYNE enters last, casting a long look back before entering the ship.

SCENE FORTY FOUR

DISCORDIANS walk around the ship which now has a utopian feel. Flowers hang off walls. Deer and lambs prance though the lush green grass.

Payne (V.O): I guess it’s true. We are all trapped, ultimately. Trapped behind layers of our own mind, conceptions of who we are, what we do... bound by our ideas, our memories, biases. But really, it’s all in your head; saying you’re in a black iron prison might be the same as saying we’re locked in a golden orb of possibility. There’s nothing good, nor evil in this world, but thinking makes it so. We take these thought and weave them into a hammock into which we suspend our disbelief so we can rock ourselves into a lullaby. Sometimes that means forgetting our past...

CUT TO NIGEL and 000.

Payne (V.O): ...or immersing our-self in a new reality.

CUT TO CRAMULUS.

Payne (V.O): Sometimes we change so much, we don’t even know who we are....

CUT TO HOWL putting together a large slingshot.

Payne (V.O): ...or who we belong with...

FREEKY enters with a bunny; together she and HOWL put it in the slingshot and fire.

Payne (V.O): ...Or the things that truly matter...

CUT TO a shot of LMNO, trapped on a desert island, looking mournfully at the silhouette of the TitAnachy.

Payne (V.O): Or just allow ourselves the audacity of hope.

CUT TO PAYNE’S face.

Payne (V.O):I see, I look, I wonder, and I barely hope to understand, just collecting more and more beauty to fill my own prison. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe: Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion; I've watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time; like tears in rain.

The camera pans out to CRAMULUS who is standing in front of RATATOSK.

Cram: Rat, this is a thing of great beauty... I am bedazzled, becalmed, besmirched! A marvel! I can’t wait to see the data on this.

Ratatosk: Ohhh... yeah... Cramulus... I ahh...

Cram: Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes?

Ratatosk: I wish you wouldn't do that. Cramulus... I’m afraid I was about to collect the data but then... I got... really baked.

Cram: No... data?

Ratatosk: Sorry man.

CRAMULUS looks as though he’s about to cry, then screams out in rage. His body viabrate, and he conjures blue flames in his hands. Then, a director’s board comes into sight and snaps.

Director: Cut!

The camera spins rapidly and stops, pointing at CAIN who claps, and points to the camera excitedly.

Cain: Your turn!

END.