The first report of DOGA's second team, the Nightstalkers, this was... bad. I've just been through and formatted it for use here - unlike Dafydd and Narto, Takua doesn't do that herself (and Dafydd's author tells me that she's written by someone else, and that I'm now due for another session with the neuralyser) - and even the bits of the stories in the report make me squirm. I suppose that's why it came to the PPC's attention, though - if it was good, I wouldn't need to write this. ~Terri Ryan, DOGA Archivist
Agent Takua stopped in the middle of a Generic Corridor and screamed, a shrill, nails-on-a-chalkboard sounding scream. She was trying to get back to her RC. Trying. However, the Powers That Be were seemingly conspiring against her. By now she was certain that the whole of DOGA had fallen into a black hole, never to be seen again.
"Alright, you!" Takua yelled at the ceiling. "I will go around one more corner. One. And if I don't arrive at some semblance of my RC, so help me I'll eat every living thing in this building! Do you hear me?"
The ceiling wisely remained silent.
So Takua continued down the corridor, alternately glaring, scowling, and glowering. She reached the corner, turned...
...and ran straight into someone coming the other way. She was knocked off balance and fell, hitting the floor with a dull thud. Given her mood, she might very well have ripped the offending obstruction to shreds without even bothering to see who it was. She did look up, however, and her anger depleted to a tiny *meep* of confusion when she saw that said obstruction was an Uruk-hai wearing a PPC uniform, and was holding his hand out to help her up. She took his hand and he pulled her to her feet.
"Thanks..." she said suspiciously, shoving her hands into her pockets.
The Uruk shrugged. "No problem," he said. "Do you know where RC 7213 is?"
Takua's eyes narrowed. "Why do you want to go there?"
He looked rather confused, a singular expression on an Uruk. "That's where I've been assigned; I'm supposed to meet up with my partner."
There was a brief pause. Takua blinked. "Man, you just walked into your partner."
He raised an eyebrow. "You're Takua?"
"Yeah. Who're you?"
Takua smirked. "Like the Goblin-King Jareth?"
He shrugged. "I dunno. It just seemed better than my name before."
"Which was...?" Takua prompted.
The Uruk hesitated. "Nazurk."
"Nazurk?" Takua gave a rasping snicker. "Sounds like a Nazgûl mini-balrog. Oh, hey!" She grinned. "Naz-mini!"
Jareth growled. "Not funny."
"Yeah, it is," Takua said absently, beginning to look around in search of the RC again. "Anyway, let's get to gettin'. That bloody RC has to be around here somewhere."
"Well, wait, isn't that it?" Jareth asked, pointing at something behind Takua. She turned and saw a door, marked with the number 7213, which was emitting an aura of insufferable smugness. Takua scowled.
"This is such a stupid building."
They entered the room and were greeted by a roar from Witchking and the incessant beeping of the computer. Takua leapt at the consol and landed bodily on the mute button. The console gave a faint *queep, queep* of protest, then fell silent.
"Was it beeping for a long time, Witchking?" Takua asked sympathetically.
The little demon nodded sullenly, then retreated to his corner to resume his nap. Takua looked at Jareth.
"So, welcome to the RC," she said. "Any questions?"
Jareth was staring at what looked like slimy, black mould growing up the far wall. "What's that?"
"Hive wall. I'm making it myself." Takua beamed proudly. "It's harder to do without the others, but I think it's going really well."
"Oh." He wasn't sure how to respond to this, and so decided to change the subject. "Why was that thing beeping?"
It was a moment before Takua's brain registered the change of topic. "Oh, right." She stood up and turned to read the message on the console screen. After a moment she growled. "Damn 'Sues..."
The Uruk had the bad sense to look excited. "What is it?"
"Post-War of the Ring Frodomance," Takua said, continuing to read. "Don't know why they bother, it's not like he sticks around for along time after..." She trailed off, staring at the screen for a moment, then rolled her eyes. "Are you effin' kidding me?"
"This is after Frodo leaves. The bloody 'Sue drags him back."
There was a brief silence, then Jareth asked, "Are we going, then?"
Takua turned and gave him a puzzled look. "Why wouldn't we?" Not waiting for a reply, she strode over to the hive wall and pulled a backpack out of one of the larger creases. "Your gear's in there, right?" She pointed to the bag Jareth had slung over his shoulder. He nodded.
"Got a weapon?"
"You have to ask?" Jareth grinned unpleasantly.
Shouldering her pack, Takua returned to the consol and began pressing buttons on the disguise generator. "We'll have to go as humans," she commented. "Hope you don't mind. She pressed a final button, and a shimmering blue portal appeared in mid-air beside her. She shoved Jareth in, then jumped through herself.
They re-emerged in the urpley darkness of the pre-story Author's Note. This was lucky, because Jareth needed a moment to orient himself; he was not, in fact, very used to being a human. It didn't help that Takua was intensely amused by his reaction, and was laughing mercilessly at him.
Her mocking was cut off by the unusually loud author's note:
Date: 1430 SR Should be read as picked up from that point w/o expectations of the future events documented by J.R.R.
If I've made any horrible mistakes, however, please e-mail me and let me know. I am bad with geography, especially.
Takua yelped, clapping her hands over her ears to try to block out the intrusive authorial voice. Jareth, his hands over his ears as well, squinted at the Words as the echo of the A/N faded into the ether.
"Well, at least she admits she's bad with geography," he muttered.
A moment later there was a stomach-wrenching jolt, and the urple-darkness transformed into a sunny, pastoral scene in the Shire. The two agents were standing atop a grassy hill, at what was the official start of the story.
Takua sat down heavily, hissing curses and swearwords under her breath. Jareth, sitting down as well, looked around, and thus was the first to notice that Frodo Baggins had suddenly materialized under a nearby tree. The hobbit looked deeply confused for a moment, then the 'Sue-Spell took effect; he shrugged, sat down, and began reading a book that had appeared next to him.
Jareth poked Takua to get her attention. Takua stopped partway through a muttered rant about bolded author's notes, looked up, and spotted Frodo.
"Ah." Takua pulled a pen and notepad out of her pack and, with difficulty, scrawled Charge List across the top of the first page. Jareth watched as she slowly wrote out the first charge.
"Do you want me to write the list?" he asked.
"I can do it!" she snapped, sounding remarkably like a whiny six-year-old. Jareth sighed.
Just then a "golden-haired" hobbit lad appeared on the scene and began talking to Frodo. Jareth, who was actually paying attention to things, pointed this out to Takua. She looked up from her list and blinked.
"That's not the 'Sue, is it?" She pulled out her CAD and pointed it at the boy. A message immediately appeared on the screen:
Lassilane Gainwink, alias 'Wilibald'. UnCanon. Mary-Sue. UnCanonical genetics (hobbit/human). UnCanonical homeland (Omminah). Suggested remedy: Burn Lassilane. Burn Omminah.
"Guess that is her," Takua said, returning the CAD to her pack. She reached for her notepad, but Jareth had gotten to it first, and was rapidly writing down the new charges. Takua glared at him.
They listened as the 'Sue began gibbering about how she hero-worshipped Frodo, then the two hobbits stood and started walking toward Hobbiton.
Jareth closed the notebook. "So where now?" he asked.
Takua was still sulking about the theft of her notebook and didn't answer right away. "Bag End, I guess."
"Can we get in there without being noticed?"
"Probably not. It's pretty small."
Jareth frowned. "So how would we watch what's going on?"
"With this." She pulled a square-shaped device out of her pack. "It's a See-Through. You use it to look through walls and stuff."
"Oh." He blinked. "Alright then. Let's go."
Takua opened up a portal; they stepped through into the garden at Bag End. The hobbits were already inside. Takua sat down with a thump, pressed a couple of buttons on the See-Through, and pointed the device at the side of the hill. The grass there shimmered a bit, then dissolved, leaving a square TV-screen-ish hole through which Frodo and the 'Sue were clearly visible.
The scene was mercifully short, although so full of descriptions of the 'Sue that it made Takua wince. Before things could get too nauseating, a distraction arrived in the form of Sam Gamgee. He informed Frodo that there were some people outside of town who wanted to talk to him.
Jareth checked the Words. "Ah. The people are looking for the 'Sue. Evidently she's a thief."
"Too bad they don't get her now-- hey!" Takua jumped up, staring through the hole. "Dammit, she's run off!"
Indeed, the moment Frodo and Sam had left Bag End, the 'Sue had run out of the kitchen and, according to the Words, out the back door. Takua snarled in annoyance.
"Jareth, you go take care of those idiots from Omminah. I'll follow the 'Sue." Before he could reply -- he'd been about to say that she didn't actually have to follow the 'Sue -- she sprinted off after the fleeing hobbit.
Jareth sighed, added another charge (manifesting doors) to the list, then followed Frodo and Sam down to the edge of Hobbiton. He concealed himself behind a convenient tree to listen to the conversation between Frodo and the Dwarven leader of the group looking for the 'Sue.
After this discussion, which had somehow cause Frodo's previously numbed brain to finally thaw out, Frodo and Sam started back to Bag End, walking right past Jareth as though he wasn't even there. Jareth, on the other hand, followed the group from Omminah.
Now that their official purpose in the story was finished, the hobbits, dwarves, and Man slowed to a halt, their eyes glazing over as the 'Sue's influence left them. This made them ridiculously easy to dispatch; Jareth simply walked over and cut each of their throats, then dragged their bodies off the road. After a moment's consideration, he then sent the Man's horse through a portal. He didn't know all of the RA's controls yet, but he was fairly sure he had sent the horse to Rohan, or at least somewhere near Rohan.
Jareth didn't bother to hurry back, and so by the time he arrived at Bag End, Takua had already returned. She was using the See-Through to peer into the hobbit hole again, and she was smiling slightly, as though she was watching an amusing television programme.
"Lemme see the charge list," she said as Jareth sat down beside her. "I got a couple more to add." She snatched the proffered notepad and pen and began laboriously writing down the new charges. Jareth turned his attention to the scene going on inside Bag End; the 'Sue was telling Frodo about her homeland:
"It is an island a few miles off the west coast of Gondor."
Jareth frowned at this, then tapped Takua on the shoulder. "You hear that?" he asked.
She nodded, still mostly focused on her writing.
"How're we supposed to get rid of an island?"
"Dunno." She finished writing and handed the notepad back to Jareth. "We'll have to think about it." She turned back to watch Frodo and the 'Sue, and after a moment burst out laughing. "Oh, Eru, what drugs are you on, girl?"
Over Takua's shrieks of laughter, Jareth was just barely able to hear what the 'Sue was yelling:
"My own sex has chained me to accepted behavior and duties. As a female, I am nothing but property!"
Jareth snorted, and Takua laughed even harder, not even trying to stifle the noise.
The 'Sue finished her rant with an unintelligible question -- "...is itthe Shire is not the Omminah?" -- and then someone knocked loudly on the front door. Jareth checked the words, then nudged Takua, who was calming down a bit now that the 'Sue had stopped talking. She turned to look at him, still snickering.
"They go to the Great Smials now," Jareth told her. "We oughta portal ahead."
"Yeah, sure," Takua said, retrieving her RA and opening up a portal.
They stepped through and found themselves outside the smials of the Took clan. It was evening. Takua spend a few minutes searching for the room Lassilane and the others were in while Jareth watched the Words.
He had just added another charge to the list when Takua shouted, "Found it!" She settled down on the grass, staring through the hole the See-Through had created. Jareth, now chuckling slightly himself, sat down next to her and pointed out something in the Words. Takua's eyes unfocused as she looked for herself:
The most difficult detail was cutting off her golden hair, which had been quite long and beautiful. The memory would be forever stamped in her mind, for it was utterly traumatic.
"The hell?" Takua said, beginning to laugh again. "How can you be traumatized by a haircut?"
The scene going on inside did nothing to keep Takua in a sombre mood. Lassilane was doing a pitifully poor job of pretending to be a man, and as soon as she was found out she dove into a long story about the history of Omminah and how poorly women were treated there. Takua gave up all pretence of paying attention; she lay on the grass, laughing so hard that Jareth couldn't hear what was going on in the scene.
"Stop it!" he snapped, fed up with her at last. "Go away if you can't shut up, I'm trying to work!"
Takua managed to stagger to her feet and wander off, still cackling gleefully. Jareth shook his head and turned back to the scene.
Lassilane's speech ended, in true Mary-Sue fashion, with her being on the verge of tears. Jareth wrote down a new charge, then pulled out his CAD and pressed one of the buttons on the side.
"Takua," he said into it, "she's done, you can come back."
"M'kay," Takua replied, her voice muffled as though she had something in her mouth. A minute later she ambled over, picking her teeth. Her backpack was noticeably fuller.
"I miss anything good?" she asked, flopping down onto the grass.
Jareth shook his head. "Just some gratuitous melodrama and another UnCanon island."
"Yeah. 'S called Fashland. Only mentioned in passing, but we'll have to take it out anyway."
Takua rolled her eyes. "Fashland... What the hell is with this chick and stupid names?"
Jareth shrugged. The scene inside had become rather pointless, the hobbits nattering about fascinating subjects such as the weather, so the agents felt justified in ignoring it for a while. "Where'd you go, anyway?" Jareth asked, glancing at Takua.
"Got something to eat," she said. "I brought some leftovers, if you want anything."
"Depends. What is it?"
"Those bits you killed before."
Jareth blinked. "What?"
"Those bits you killed before," Takua repeated, speaking loudly and slowly to make sure Jareth heard properly.
"That's what I thought you said." After a brief internal debate, Jareth decided he was hungry enough to ignore the fact that his very human-looking partner indulged in very Uruk-like meals. "Yeah, all right."
Takua reached into her pack, pulled out a half-eaten lower arm, and tossed it to Jareth. She then grabbed a rib for herself and began gnawing on it as she read the Words.
"Dramatic thing, isn't she?" Takua commented, reading along with the 'Sue's inner angsting. "Oh, now there's something interesting..."
"What?" Jareth peered at the Words that Takua indicated, then glanced at her. "So the 'Sue plays the harp. Why's that interesting?"
"Because our grand, exalted senior agent Dafydd really wants a harp. This is a chance to get some good PR with him." She snatched the notebook from where Jareth had dropped it and scribbled something down in the margin. "There; now I'll remember it."
She went back to reading, and, by the time she and Jareth had finished eating, had written down two more charges.
"And now," Takua said, putting away the notepad and getting out the RA, "we jump ahead one week to when the 'Sue resumes her canon-mangling. Let's get gone."
She opened a portal, and the two agents steeped through into the middle of a party. Fortunately the 'Sue, the only person there who could have seen them, wasn't anywhere nearby.
"Oops," Takua said, looking about. "I meant to get here later."
"How far off are we?"
"Couple of hours and..." She checked the Words. "A dozen or so miles." She looked at her RA. "Huh. Thought I pressed that other button..."
Jareth rolled his eyes. "Can we talk about this somewhere else? Someone's going to walk into us sooner or later."
"Yeah, sure." They walked over to the edge of the field. Takua, looking around, frowned in disappointment. "How depressing."
"This." She waved her arm at the hobbit party going on around them. "It's like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet but not being allowed to eat anything."
"Right... So, where should we be right now?"
Takua's eyes unfocused as she checked the Words. "West of here. The 'Sue, Frodo, and Pippin are headed to a forest, the Ashen Woods, 'cause some "Silent Rider" has kidnapped Elanor and some uncanon kid. It's mostly just grammar stuff after that."
"And another aberration: a town called Eritslan," Jareth said, glancing at the Words.
"Eritslan? Eru, what is wrong with this author? She allergic to normal names or something?"
"Must be." Jareth pulled out the notepad and added the creation of Eritslan and the Ashen Woods to the charge list. "Looks like we've got everything we need, then. Should we just portal ahead and kill her?"
Takua was scanning the Words again and didn't answer. Jareth rolled his eyes and grabbed the RA from Takua's pack. He waved the device in front of her face.
"We're going to portal now, okay?"
She pushed his arm out of the way. "Yeah, fine. Drop us at the beginning of Chapter 13."
Jareth did so, and they arrived in an underground chamber, evidently the hide-out of the kidnapper. In a cage in the corner of the room were two hobbit children, asleep. Takua wandered over to the cage and looked at them for a moment, then looked at the troll who was leaning against the wall nearby. "All right then." She turned back to Jareth. "We'll portal Elanor back to the Shire, then ice the uncanon kid and the troll."
"Right. And then what?"
"You stand there," Takua said, pointing in front of the cluttered desk, "and wait for 'The Silent Rider' to show up. I'll sneak up on him."
This plan was quickly carried out, Jareth removing the hobbits and Takua killing the troll by somehow smashing its skull open. When the Silent Rider arrived, Takua snuck around behind him and impaled him on what appeared to be a thick spear. She removed the weapon, and the man's body fell to the ground.
"Easy," she said, squirming a bit. "Now to Stupid-Name-Town to kill the 'Sue."
"Wait a second," Jareth said. He had picked up one of the small sacks from the desk, and was looking at whatever was inside it. "Have a look at this." He poured the sack's contents, dozens of rough, dark blue gems, onto the desktop.
Takua's eyes lit up. "Shiny!"
"There are more; all these bags are full of them." He glanced at his partner. "Wanna take 'em?"
He needn't have asked; Takua was already gathering up the small sacks, depositing them into a large burlap bag she had found in a corner.
"Let's go," she said, once she had collected all the gems she could find. "Maybe there'll be more of these in the town."
The two agents portalled to the uncanon city, and Takua immediately began looking around for a lapidary shop. Jareth, upon checking the Words, found one, as that happened to be where Frodo and the 'Sue were. He pointed this out to Takua.
"Ah... Excellent." She grinned an unsettling sort of grin. "Two-for-one. Let's go get her."
They found the 'Sue and Frodo standing outside the store, talking. Takua crept up behind the 'Sue, while Jareth fiddled with the setting on the RA. At Takua's signal, Jareth opened a portal directly beneath Frodo; the hobbit fell through, and the portal disappeared. The 'Sue let out a scream that was quickly stifled by Takua's hand.
"Not so loud," Takua chided, her tone overly-sweet. "You'll wake the neighbours." She shoved the 'Sue away from her, still grinning unpleasantly. "Jareth, grab her so she won't run off." Jareth grabbed the 'Sue by the arm. "Right then." Takua took the notepad from Jareth's pocket and flipped it open.
"Lassilane Gainwink," she read, "on my authority as a PPC agent, I charge you with the following crimes again canon: having an uncanonical homeland and causing it to be populated solely by misogynistic bastards; creating three additional uncanon locations, namely Fashland, Ashen Woods, and Eritslan; having improbably genetics; gratuitous use of stupid names; causing disruptions in the characters of Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and every other canon character you came in contact with; causing Frodo to return from the Undying Lands; having a gaudy sword; being antagonistically feminist; being contradictory; manifesting doors; displaying extreme stupidity; defying gravity; using stupid descriptions; making no sense; being traumatized by a haircut; upstaging canon characters; being redundant; creating an uncanonical gemstone; employing melodramatics; employing gratuitous and pointless angst; mangling grammar; annoying PPC agents; and, finally, being a Mary-Sue." She said all this without taking a breath. "For these crimes, you are condemned to be killed until you are very dead. Do you have any last words?"
"It's because I'm female, isn't it?"
"Yes," Takua said, quite seriously. "If you were a guy you'd have the Bad Slashers to deal with instead." She took the RA from Jareth. "Alright. Naz-mini, 'Sue, let's get gone."
She opened a portal, and they stepped -- or, in the 'Sue's case, was dragged -- through onto a beach. Out on the western horizon a particularly violent pack of thunderstorms was brewing. Takua surveyed this with pleasure while Jareth tied up the 'Sue.
"D'you know where we are, 'Sue?" Takua asked.
Lassilane shook her head.
"Númenor. That--" She pointed at the swiftly approaching storm clouds. "--is a bunch of really pissed off Valar. They are going to annihilate this island." She smiled nastily. "Me and my partner aren't gonna stick around for that, but you are."
"Takua, we ought to get out of here," Jareth said, watching as the ocean retreated rapidly down the beach and the clouds towered up to blot out the sun.
"Yeah, sure." Takua opened another portal. Jareth jumped through immediately, but Takua gave a quick salute to the storms and now-visible tsunami before she stepped through the bright blue doorway.
They arrived back at the Ashen Woods, which they promptly set on fire. The flames spread to Eritslan, preceded by Takua, who went through nearly every building and stole all the blue gems she could find. Then she portalled away for a moment, leaving Jareth to watch the city burn and allowing him a moment to portal Pippin back to the Shire. Takua returned carrying the small golden harp which had presumably belonged to the 'Sue.
"We have a problem," Jareth said as Takua stepped through the portal.
"Oh yeah?" Takua carefully deposited the harp into the sack of gems. "What is it?"
"Omminah and Fashland. How're we going to completely destroy two islands?"
Takua handed the bag to Jareth. "No worries. I have a plan."
Safe on the Gondorian shore, Takua and Jareth watched as an inexplicable and powerful series of waves pounded the islands of Omminah and Fashland into rubble. Takua looked exceedingly smug.
"Good plan, huh?"
"Yeah. I still don't get how you convinced Ossë to do this for us."
"Like hell I convinced him." She grinned. "I just asked if he'd like to wantonly destroy a couple of random landmasses. Said 'yes' before I even finished talkin'."
Jareth chuckled. "Right, right. Let's get back to HQ."
"Sure, let's go. We gotta give our Dafydd his present."
They portalled back to their RC, then tromped out and down the hall to RC 7219. Takua, in a rare show of courtesy, knocked on the RC door rather than barging right in. "You there, Dafydd?"
There was silence for a few moments, followed by a slow build-up of faint mumbling. When the door opened, it revealed a hassled-looking Agent Dafydd. "No, I'm not," he said.
"Oh, too bad," Takua said, smirking. "Then I guess we won't be able to give you all these shinies we just got from our mission..." She gestured to the bag Jareth was holding.
"...You know what? I think I just got back." Dafydd closed the door in their faces, and then instantly opened it again, looking a lot more cheerful. "Good day. I'd invite you in, but I'm not going to."
"Whatever." Takua reached into the bag and pulled out a handful of the blue jewels. "They're called erits apparently." She held them out to Dafydd. "Grab 'em quick; I got somethin' else for you too."
Dafydd raised an eyebrow and plucked one of the stone from her palm. "'Erits', huh? How very coarse. I may need to rename them." He took the gems and placed them on the console behind him. "Very nice."
Takua grinned. "I figured you'd want to rename them. This Suethor had some kind of addiction to stupidass names. Okay, one more thing." She reached into the bag again. "You'll really like this one." With a flourish, she pulled out the harp and held it out to him. "You wanted one of these, I heard."
Dafydd stared. "It...you..." He fell into a wide-eyed, jaw-dropped silence.
Takua was trying very hard not to laugh at the elf's expression; Jareth glared at her. "Cut it out, you."
"But it's so funny..."
"No." Jareth looked at Dafydd. "It belonged to the 'Sue. Takua said you'd want it, so she stole it for you."
"Harp..." the elf squeaked. After a few more moments of staring, he managed to pull himself together. "That...would be very nice," he admitted, still unable to tear his eyes away from the instrument.
"It is for you, you know," Takua said, her mirth subsiding. She held the harp closer to him. "Go on, take it."
Dafydd's face broke into a wide grin. Reaching out, he lifted the harp reverently from her hands and clutched it to him. He ran one hand lightly over the strings, savouring the sounds, and then looked up again. "Thank you. Thank you so much."
Takua grinned back. "You're welcome. I knew you'd like it."
"You okay, Takua?" Jareth asked. "You're actually being, you know, nice." Takua scowled and kicked him.
"Anyway, we'd better get goin'. We have more stupidly-named gemstones to deliver." She grinned again. "Glad you like the presents."
"Haaaaaaaaaarp," Dafydd mumbled, and without any more words shuffled backwards into his Response Centre, kicking the door closed. Hardly five seconds had passed before the faint sound of harp music floated through the wall.