(Auch! might as well for Valentines day... )

Admiration.

By: Thel

The person I love is my best friend.

        I have written many journals before this, for many reasons, ranging from bouts of creativity to boredom. But the reason I’m writing this is... well... I’m in love. I never knew love before this. I had always thought. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer. I never looked at any of the stallions the way I was supposed to. I tried talking to them, dating a few of them. Yet I saw no reason, got no thrill, all was as a blank canvas where paint should rest. It wasn’t until last week I realized who I feel for. My very best friend. When she rubbed against me, my mane curled and straightened.  My hooves suddenly warmed  touching cold ground. My vision blurred as the world was shut out. I felt nothing but her touch and my body’s reaction too it.

        She had rubbed against me before, I don't know why I reacted like that. I was confused as to what was going on. Then I looked into her eyes. Their depth seemed never-ending, a vortex of beauty.  My head rushed, feeling cold on one half and warm on the other. I didn’t want to stop looking. Then the silence broke as, she giggled asking me ”what are you starring at?”

        I realized that with my mind in a warped state, I had lost all notions of of time. I did the only thing that made sense at that moment. I ran. I ran back to my house half crying, afraid of what just happened. I just needed some time alone, to think.

        I tried to concentrate on the matter at hand. But unfortunately my mind drifted always to her. Just the thought of her rubbing against me sent me spiraling down into an ecstatic state of possibility. One thought hit more frequently than the rest. The idea of me laying in bed with her. Embraced in each others arms. For the whole of the night. Awake. But not moving. Our thoughts as one. looking deep into each others eyes, knowing exactly how the other felt. Nothing but pure silence, feeling, and thought. I dreamed about the day we would confess our feelings to each other. What we might say to each other.         NO! Need to focus. I need to get this under control. I’m going to be stuck in my own personal hell if I don’t. She doesn’t feel the same way as I do... about... her... I need to fix this. I need to find a way to make this work. I still want to be... friends.

I have locked myself in my house for two weeks now. She is worried about me. She has knocked every day. Wondering if I was alright. She thinks its her fault, something she said. would apologize with that voice, like a mockingbird warped in a bow of pink silk, is the only way I can describe it.

        I should face the world. I have, between lapses of deep sessions of peering into my imagination, been able to come up with a few tips and tricks to keep me on my feet. I just hope I can keep control.

I was able to get through today without much of a hitch. At the end of the day I complemented her on her appearance. I think that helped me get through the day. Little things. Little releases. Maybe I can keep this up.

        But for how long? I almost forgot tomorrow, will I be able to hold up??? Oh I need something to get this off my mind! She drives into my thoughts. She is my best friend. I see her every day. And I love her. What do I do!

Second day of the fight for my sanity. I was able to survive most of the day without thinking about it. It seemed to be one of those days where she didn’t talk much, a little to much of whatever she had been drinking last night. This was a relief. though tension did rise while standing beside me. But nothing to horrible. I realized that I might be able to hold off tomorrow as well, but forever is a very long time.

Today she was going to a party of some sort. So she dressed very nicely. I was of course the first to notice.

        I complemented her on her eyes. Partially to get that small release, but mostly a good reason to peer deep into them. She had said something along the lines of “yes my hair color does bring them out, don’t you think?” I didn’t relay understand. I just watched and listened. Her voice was like a beautiful sonata, and her eyes,  if the gates of heaven had opened, that is what I would see. I nodded to her response, Then we continued to the party as I played back the moment that has just passed countless times in my head. It felt as if it took eons to get to the party. The most wonderful eons of my life.

        At the party we huddled in a corner to talk as we usually do at party’s. I had to excuse myself repeatedly to forcefully snap sense into myself, so as too keep myself from doing anything stupid. Drinking helped a little. It calmed my nerves. But I dint drink enough to where it would hurt my state of mind.

        When the party ended, she walked out with a lamp shade over her head as it were. This was it. I thought I would tell her now. I tried to get up the courage. But the words still couldn’t escape my lips. I had made it too hard for me to say it. I had to many fail safes keeping me from doing something stupid. I had trained myself well, I guess I should be proud.

I still close my eyes at night. Hugging a pillow. Wishing it were her. Feeling her nudge my chest, falling asleep in my arms, as a child would with its mother.

        I took the day off today. What happened yesterday required some contemplation, and rest. My nights have been restless for these weeks that I have admired her from afar. So close but so far away, this is what they say. So I went into a deep sleep. I did not awaken until mid day, I was glad to have rested. Now I can think rationally. I realized that telling her while she was drunk might not have been the best of ideas, and was proud of myself in holding off as long as I did. This has been the slowest week I have ever had to deal with. But I think it will keep getting easier as time fly’s by.

Today I was given a task. I was told to write a sonata for a wedding. They had requested me personalty. Apparently they had heard some of my other works. I can use this to my advantage. I will keep myself locked up. maybe if I keep my mind off her, maybe this whole thing will pass! I hope I will just get over this.

It has been three days since I last wrote. I finished my sonata. And played it at the wedding. She showed up. Oh the horror, why did she come, why would she demolish my calm state of mind! She showed up for me, to hear me play. Oh it could not have gone worse! My notes were off, my sense of rhythm was missing. And her eyes. I felt them peering deep into my soul as I tried not to look at her. I had to close off my mind, so that I could concentrate on not looking at her. Unfortunately that lead to my downfall. The people were confused, for most of them had heard me  before and had been “engulfed in my musical splendor” as somepony put it. They were all greatly disappointed. I lied telling them that I had no idea what went wrong.

        Writing this I realize that in my normal state of mind I would be worried about my future, wondering if I would ever work again. But all I remember form that night is her trying to comfort me. She embraced me. And I embraced her. All my dreams were coming true. She let go and asked if I had felt any better after that. I told her that I did, and thanked her.

        I left the party a disgrace. But left the day feeling better than I had in weeks.

Today I left the house feeling good. That is until, well. She proved that she didn’t feel the same way as I did. I found her this morning under the arm of a stallion named heavy. I don't have any real words to describe my feelings, however one floats around my head as I write this, Horror.

        Every dream I had was destroyed. It was  as if I was being told up front and out of her mouth that it was all in my head. I wish I was able to run away. I wanted to. But I knew that would be a bad idea. I knew that she might put the pieces together if I did. I didn’t know what to do.

But...

I do now!

Today is when I start my brilliant plan. I know him, don't I? Yes I do. We used to date. She will ask him about me. And he will tell you he has never seen me before. Oh how typical of him! he is hiding! Or, better yet. He doesn’t remember me! Yes!!! he forgot me the instant he left me. My heart was broken wasn’t it. I was crushed. He threw me away and never looked back. And that’s just what he will do to you!!!

        calm down. You need to go slowly with this. You need to pace yourself. If you just explode out like that, you have less of a chance of success. Oh but what an amazing idea out of an amazing mind. Doing this thing might just be the most fun I have ever had! But I need to control myself, at least for as long as I can. And when the moment is prime. Tears will rush out of my eyes as I confess everything I hinted at! Start subtle and end with a bang! my victory will be assured, I will have won! She will be mine!

        

It has been three weeks since I layed the groundwork for my plan. I unleashed it tonight. As sincerely as anything I have ever said in the past!

And it worked! It went so well! Exactly as planed. All of the actors went through all of the motions correctly. It was like a ballet done to perfection, with the help of an amazing director!!! I even lashed out at him! A little frosting on the cake. Calling him “the reason some people are afraid to love”!

        After he had left, she embraced me and cried! Oh the euphoria I was in at the moment. Victory and its reward!!! Her in my arms snuggling up against my breast as I told her “everything will be alright, I’m here”.

It has been a week since I last wrote. She has needed a lot of counseling to get over him. I'm embracing her every day now! Well of course it is a slight hard to write at the moment with this ice pack over my eye. I went to a bar to celebrate my week of victory tonight, and who did I meet up with? That’s right, 'big ol' heavy'! We got into a bit of an argument, that ended with him getting kicked out of the bar and the bartender offering me a free drink. I told her the story, of course! “he did remember me, and he was angry that I stopped him from getting the tail he wanted before moving on.” oh the anger she felt toward him almost mirrored the anger I felt toward him the instant I saw her under his arm!

        I'm embracing her while sharing her thoughts! My dreams relay are coming true!

Well, Tonight heavy broke into my house. I went to the bar with her and walked her home after she seemed to have drunk herself to a state of mindlessness. When I found one of my windows burst open. I had expected to see him waiting at the table with a knife in his hand, preparing to kill me. I was wrong. There was no knife in his hand. He was not sitting at the table. He was floating above it with a rope wrapped around his neck. I... I don’t know... what to feel. I Should feel horrified. as I did when I first saw her under his arms. The worst part is, that is what I keep telling myself. My imagination swirls with ideas such as “may this be a warning to all who to and trespass on my turf”.

        He left a note. A note that sums everyone’s thoughts up. A note that  contains the question everyone has been asking me for a few hours now. The note with one word on it.

“why?”

it didn’t take long for the news to reach her. I spoke to her, though If you would ask me now I wouldn’t be able to tell you why. that note came up repeatedly, why? I told her I didn’t know.  She continued to pry. The idea that maybe he did love her. I told her he did not that I had known him before. She worked her way around. I was forced to tell her I lied. She then let out that word. The one word I hoped she would never let out. That won word I didn’t want to answer to. I was stuck. I did the only thing there was to do. The thing I have been avoiding for this the longest point of time in my life.

I came clean. I told her I loved her.

        She... she put all of the pieces together as if she was staring into my soul. She knew what I had done and why. She and I felt the same thing. Both looking into each others eyes, Telepathically reading one another thoughts.

She ran. Just like I did when I knew I loved her, but I knew, she didn’t love me back. She was...

horrified.

I haven’t seen her in a month. I haven’t left the house, and I don’t think she has either. I have been sitting at may table thinking. Asking myself the question on the note that is still in front of me. Meditating as it were. I don’t want to see anypony, I don't want to talk to anypony. I don’t even want to acknowledge the existence of anypony but myself. I... just... need time alone to think.

It was today you told me you would never forgive me. It was today you told me that all of my nightmares had come true. It was today you broke my heart. it was today I realized that even though you did this. That I still love you.

        I will not go the way he did, asking you why. I will live out my time on this planet knowing you hate me. It is my punishment, and it is well deserved. You may not  acknowledge my existence. You may date other stallions in my presence just to hurt me. You may never love me. You may hate me for the rest of my horrible existence. But I want you to know I love you Bon-Bon. And I always will.

                                                                        Signed: Lyra.

        Please... find it in your heart to just read this, just so you know how I relay feel about you.

                                                this is the last thing I will ever ask of you.