Title: The Last of them

Author:  ChayaAmidala

Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis

Sporked by: Thomas Greenwall and Orken 7861

Rating: T for Terrible Times Ten

Notes: Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis are not mine in the slightest, nor is the PPC. Thanks go out to DeltaMikeLima, Caddy-shack, Silverwind, and Digital Socrates for beta duty. The link for the fic, should you wish to submit yourself to it, is below.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3236813/1/The_Last_of_them#

Thomas Greenwall was feeling quite chipper. Medical had been able to heal his broken toes, and he had just gotten back from killing an incredibly annoying Stu. He was nearly skipping when he arrived at his response center.

 

“Orky! I’m back!”

 

His partner, Orken 7861, was sitting in a chair in front of the console, on his incredibly neat side of the response center. He didn’t even glance up from the book he was reading. “Good to hear, Agent Thomas. Now be quiet, I’m trying to read.”

 

Orken may not have cared about Thomas’ return, but O’Neil certainly did. The mini-Unas ran to him and began jabbering away in its native language. Thomas nodded as if he understood, and tossed it some chocolate. “Good, O’Neil. I’m glad to hear it.”

 

O’ Neil, who had just described how much he wanted to see Thomas dead (in a very upbeat tone) confirmed his suspicions. Despite Thomas’ pretense, the agent didn’t understand a word O’Neil was saying. He was a little embarrassed it had taken him this long to figure it out.

 

Witmol, or Winston the Ministry of love, if one wished to be formal, was giving Thomas a questioning look. Thomas, not one to neglect his minis, dug around in his pocket for another chocolate bar.

 

“Here, dude. I know you like chips, but I’m all out. I seem to recall you liking chocolate, too.”

 

The mini-telescreen bobbed up and down.

 

“Good, cause it just so happens I have another one.” He tossed it to Witmol, who, with no arms, was unable to catch it. Instead, it bounced off his flat metal face and landed in front of him.

 

Thomas chuckled. Witmol just ate the candy. He wasn’t one to question free food, even if it had been given to him in such an undignified manner.

 

Thomas looked around the response center confusedly. “Hey, Orky. What happened to Tiel’c and Ry’ac?”

 

Orken kept his eyes on his book. “I put them up for adoption. I told you, I don’t want any more minis.”

 

“What! Orky, that’s no fair. I wanted to keep them.”

 

Orken still wasn’t looking up. “Life isn’t fair, Agent Thomas.” He put down his book and his tone softened noticeably. “Besides, they both went to good homes. You don’t have to worry about them.”

 

“But…” He couldn’t think of any real argument to that. Orken wouldn’t lie about giving them to good people. While he seemed cold and uncaring about many things, Thomas knew that his partner had a soft spot for minis.

 

Orken went back to reading, and the defeated Thomas went to the comfy armchair on his side of the response center and picked up 1984. He was just getting relaxed when the alarm went off.

 

[BEEEEP! BLOP! BLOP! BLEEEEEEEP! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

 

Orken turned off the alarm as quickly as possible, and began reading over the intelligence report. “Agent Thomas, I have excellent news. There are far fewer authors’ notes in this fic than there were in the last one.”

 

Thomas gave a sigh of relief and stood up. “Cool, dude. I don’t know if I can stand to hear that Suethor’s voice ever again,” He walked over to the console and began reading over Orken’s shoulder, being careful not to touch the console itself. “I mean, that guy took excessive authors notes to the next…” He stopped talking, and his face lost all color. His mouth opened and closed like a goldfish for several seconds before he could finally speak. “No… this is… must kill…”

 

Orken smirked. “Agent Thomas, keep your mouth closed, or you’re liable to catch flying insects.”

 

Thomas voice was quiet, as if coming from far away. “Orky… do you do that just for fun?”

 

“Do what?” Orken asked without any inflection.

 

“Make me think that the latest fic will be better than the last.”

 

Orken shrugged. “I’m trying to be professional. It’s looked highly upon if you can see the best in a situation, even one as bad as badfic.”

 

“Orky… that’s bullet…” He cleared his throat. “I mean-“

 

“I know what you mean, Agent Thomas. And don’t call me Orky.”

 

Thomas, who was finally starting to recover, shook his head like he was trying to get water out of his hair. “Right, dude. Don’t call you Orky. I’ll get on that.” He walked over to his side of the response center and began gathering supplies. “Sue isn’t awake for most of it. Do we even need disguises?”

 

Orken shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. The Sue is telepathic; so any disguises we do choose might not do us any good.”

 

Thomas nodded, and stuffed a sleeping bag into his backpack. “Good point, dude. So no disguises then. I mean, we shouldn’t have any problem eliminating this Sue without ‘em.”

 

Orken shrugged again. “Maybe, Agent Thomas. I suggest expedition personnel, just to be safe. Just a change of clothes, this time. You can even keep your hair.”

 

His partner had moved on to trying to fit a pillow into his backpack. “Whatever, dude.”

 

“Agent Thomas, I have only one more thing I feel I should address before we leave on this mission. Please do not bring your…”

 

Thomas, anticipating what he was going to say, quickly snatched up his AK-47.

 

Orken continued, ignoring the protective way his partner was grasping the automatic rifle. “…Kalashnikov. This time, we won’t even have the excuse of being Russians, since all the Atlantis reconnaissance teams use the same weapons.”

 

“Too late, dude. I already picked it up.”

 

“Agent Thomas, that doesn’t make any sense.” Orken said, annoyed.

 

“Yes it does. If I start doing something before you tell me not to, I get to do it.” Thomas replied reasonably.

 

Orken gave him a confused look. “What?”

 

“Grandfather clause, Orky.” Thomas spoke as if explaining a simple concept to a simple child.

 

“I hardly see how that applies to this situation.”

 

Thomas just grinned. “Aw, Orky, it’s no big deal. It’s technically canon native, and besides, no Sue to point us out for most of the fic. It’ll be fine.”

 

Orken decided that further argument would confirm his suspicion that Thomas was a fool, and produce no other results. “Fine, Agent Thomas.” He picked up his backpack, and pulled a P-90 out of the cabinet on his side of the room. “Shall we go?”

 

“Let’s do this, dude.”

 

The two agents emerged from their portal in the gray space of a story that had yet to begin.

 

Thomas took the time to pull out his notebook. He began flipping through it to find a blank page, but stopped before he reached it. “Hey, Orky. Did you remind me not to call you Orky earlier?”

Orken didn’t respond.

 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He noted it as such in his notebook.

 

It was at this point that a washed out, yellow scene emerged around them.

 

“Hey, dude, what’s going on?”

 

Orken had experienced something like this before. “Backstory prologue, Agent Thomas.”

 

“Ah. Cool, dude. First time I’ve ever been to one of those.”

 

Long ago, before the Altaerans thrived throughout the universe, a prophecy was made:

 

Before the two agents could hear this prophecy, a mini-Wraith appeared next to them.

 

Thomas smiled warmly at it. “Hi there, Altaerans. It’s nice to meet you, dude.”

 

Orken rolled his eyes. “Agent Thomas, don’t forget you need to charge for him.”

 

Then, the previously mentioned prophecy was read out in the shrill voice of the Suethor.

 

A daughter will be born to a strong and wealthy leader of the Ancient race, the Altaerans. She will be bestowed with great gifts and powers. It will be her duty to help and protect all that reside in the great and magnificent cities. Those who are threatened by an alliance of three great and terrible enemies will have to rely on her. Only she can put an end to thousands of years of chaos and fighting, throughout the universe, in plane and the next.

 

The fic proceeded to launch into a re-telling of the canonical backstory.

 

The back-story, which was taking place all around them, was surprisingly standard. Thomas was becoming bored, and looked at Orken hopefully. “Uh, Orky, isn’t that prophecy enough to declare her a Sue right here and now?”

 

Orken shook his head. “Unfortunately, no.”

 

“Darn. Because…” Thomas stopped talking as the standard canon back story, which had been told with surprising accuracy, began diverging wildly.

 

 A great controversy arose about what the prophecy really said, did it mean that the child was born with these great powers or were they bestowed powers by the Altaeran council upon whom they thought the prophecy was talking about.

 

The first thing Thomas did was give the new mini-Wraith Altaeran a smile of the kind reserved by normal persons for baby animals. The second thing he did was to begin pacing back and forth.

 

“Grah! Look at this garbage! She’s made the start of the Ori about her and this stupid prophecy. I’m charging for the Ancients even having a prophecy.”

 

Indeed, the Sue was born and immediately arguments broke out over what to do with her. The faction the Sue was calling the “Bestowers” eventually became the Ori. There was much arguing going on about what to do with the Sue!Baby.

Orken was staying quiet. He was preparing the remote activator to portal them out of the prologue.

 

“Oh for the love of all that is holy, dude, she made the whole non-interference thing about her!” Thomas was looking around for a wall to bash his head into.

 

Orken, meanwhile, had opened up a new portal. “Agent Thomas, come. We do not need to see any more of this.”

 

Thomas couldn’t have agreed more, and pushed Orken aside so he could get through the portal before his partner did.

 

The two emerged in the Atlantis control room. Dr. Weir was getting a report from Lt. Colonel Sheppard, who had been exploring the city. He told her about two locked rooms that they were assuming were personal rooms. Her response made Thomas cringe.

 

"Ok, we will get McKay on it as soon as possible, maybe he can get them open we could use the space a new expedition team is coming in four months and they mitt want a place to sleep," she said with a little chuckle and a smile, "we will debrief in one hour."

 

Thomas groaned. “The grammar! Oh dear Apophis, the grammar! And since when have mitts needed to sleep?”

 

Orken shrugged. “Since the Sue showed up in this fic, obviously. Now come, or would you rather be dragged to the other side of Atlantis by a scene change?” He opened up another portal. Thomas didn’t need to be asked twice.

 

The two agents emerged in the corridor that Sheppard had been exploring. He told his team to head back, and then had a moment of contemplation.

Atlantis was the most beautiful city in the entire universe, full of intrigue and mystery. But Atlantis wasn't just about beauty it is full of fascinating technology that could one day save them from the Wraith or save earth and the ascended ancients Ori. But what puzzled John the most was if the Ancients where as brilliant and advance how come the there descendants (Earth's people) not be. Did they unevolve once they evacuated back to earth. What happened?

Thomas began bashing his head on the now available wall.

Orken poked him. “Agent Thomas, you need to charge for the tense change.”

“Why, dude? What’s the point? That was one of the worst paragraphs I’ve ever seen, ever, and it didn’t even involve any canon violation.”

Orken rolled his eyes. Of course his overly enthusiastic partner would pick a time when they were in the middle of a mission to have a breakdown. “Why, Agent Thomas? Because it’s our job. Now write down those charges.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“Agent Thomas, I promise you that this mission is worth it. You get the chance to see all different parts of Atlantis. As you would say, that is ‘most awesome.’ But if you have some sort of breakdown on me, I will have no choice but to portal you back to FicPsych and complete this mission on my own.”

Thomas stopped pounding his head against the wall as soon as Orken mentioned the people he called ‘the dudes with the tests and the scary stuff.’ He was just in time to hear Sheppard continue to wax philosophic on the city.

But even thought John had been at Atlantis for three years now, he still sometimes got lost in its beauty, and craftsmen ship, like the writing on some of its walls. But there was part of the text that made John stop and look out. He started to reach out and touch it when all of a sudden a secret door slid open with a whoosh.

Before the very eyes of the two agents, Sheppard disappeared, then reappeared. Then he opened a door. Before Thomas could even ask his confused question, Orken was answering.

“Charge for getting Sheppard lost in the craftsmen ship.”

Thomas did.

Behind the hidden door was a science lab. In the middle of the lab was a ten year old boy in a lab coat.

"What would a science lad being doing behind a hidden door and resident corridors?" Sheppard asked himself.

Thomas was less interested in the typo and more interested in the boy. “Orky, dude, we’re going to have to do something with him.”

Orken nodded. “Yes we will, Agent Thomas. We will have to take him back to headquarters.”

The ‘Science Lad’ stayed oblivious, looking around with wide eyed wonder at the room he had suddenly found himself in.

Slowly the lab came to life as John walked farther into it. The lab was very small, and looked like someone tried to get something done in a hurry. Papers were scattered every on the surfaces and on the floor.

The lab began to grow leaves all over its many surfaces as Sheppard walked further towards the back.

“Charge for bringing a lab to life, dude?” Thomas inquired.

“Indeed, Agent Thomas. Also, charge for the paper. Even if the Suethor lampshades it, it’s still stupid.”

In the back of the lab was a stasis pod. Inside, the Sue was frozen.

In the far back corner of the lab there was a stasis pod with a teenaged girl in it. She had long golden brown hair. Her clothes looked like they could be ancient but many advanced societies wore similar clothes. She wore a dress that went just below her knees. It golden yellow like the setting sun; with what looked like an olive tree branch embroider on the bottom half of the dress. And around the waist that was a blue ribbon like belt that hung loosely on her hips.

Orken began listing off charges at a breakneck speed. “Charge for having “golden brown” hair, not knowing the color of a sunset and for describing herself in more detail than anything that came before her.” He took a breath. “Do you have all of that, Agent Thomas?”

Thomas nodded. “Most certainly, dude.” He finished, and began giving the stasis pod a contemplative look. “You know what, Orky, we could kill her now while she’s sleeping. That would end this awful fic right here and now.”

Orken shook his head. “No, Agent Thomas, some of the worst charges are yet to come. We have to persevere.”

Thomas nodded, but Orken could see that he was having trouble not rushing the Sue’s stasis pod and killing her then and there.

Orken decided to distract him. “Come, Agent Thomas, we can skip the next section where McKay investigates the stasis pod. The Science Lad will be safer here than with us.”

Thomas perked up at that. “Dude, what are we waiting for then?”

The two agents portalled ahead, as Sheppard and Weir discussed the changes the Sue had made to the back-story. Orken frowned. “I thought I had this set to take us to Stargate Command. I believe that should be…” he was cut off by the sudden and unheralded scene shift. The two agents were grabbed from Dr. Weir’s office and dragged at impossible speeds to the Milky Way galaxy, to a little blue planet called Earth. More specifically, they were in the gate room beneath Cheyenne Mountain.

Orken and Thomas threw up in tandem, but Thomas was the first to speak. “Worst… scene shift… dude… bad…”

Orken, who was trying to keep from vomiting again, just nodded.

"Incoming Wormhole." said Sergeant Siler's voice came over the intercom in the air Force base under Cheyenne Mountain.

“Charge for…” Orken threw up before he could complete the sentence.

“Yup… scene shift… Siler announcing incoming wormhole…” Thomas had just finished writing down the second charge when he had to throw up again. He wiped traces of vomit from his mouth and tried to speak. “Going to kill you, dude. Need to learn how to use the portal thingy. Next time something like this happens…” He was cut off by his seemingly inexhaustible supply of bile.

Orken, who was finally recovering, regarded his and Thomas’ rejected lunch with worry. “Agent Thomas, we’re going to have to clean that up. Otherwise, a canon might trip and fall.”

“Dude, we left our puke behind last time and you didn’t complain.” Thomas retorted.

“Yes, but this time our vomit is in a highly traveled area. Do you want Samantha Carter to trip in it?”

“Dude, that would be awful. She’d be all undignified.” Thomas re-thought the situation. “I guess you’re right. What should we do?”

“Agent Thomas, you mean what should you do.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. I will be observing charges. You will be cleaning up this vomit.”

“You can’t make me do this by myself, dude.” Thomas crossed his arms awkwardly over his chest, as the dangling AK-47 was in the way.

Orken shrugged, said “Yes I can” and activated a portal. Before Thomas could jump through, Orken had escaped, and he was alone in the gate room with the generic guards.

Orken, meanwhile, had emerged in the control room. Landry was talking with Weir, who in a single paragraph of clumsy exposition once again restated the horrible canon defying mess the Sue had made of the back story.  He frowned when three more minis, two of them mini-Unas and one of them a mini-Wraith, appeared. Asusrans the mini-wraith and Sg-1 the mini-Unas were fairly normal looking example of their species. The third, Lt. Col. Samanta Cater was less typical. She was female, for starters, and wearing some sort of odd white hat. In her hand was what looked like a primitive butchers knife. She almost appeared to be the mini-Unas equivalent of a chef.

Gen. Landry and SG-1 stood in shock at what they had just heard. Daniel Jackson had moved to one of the computer to look at some of the information Elizabeth had sent from Atlantis. Everyone stumbled for the word to say.

Orken watched, frown still firmly in place, as the people in the control room began stumbling about, then stopped, as they all began pondering how important the Sue was. Orken was glad Thomas was cleaning up vomit. It was preferable to watching this level of Canon warping in a Canon one loved like he did.

Then there was a big discussion where all the canon characters had a grammatically awful talk about the prophecy. A new mini-Unas, Col. Crater, joined its fellows in the control room. Orken decided that he should check on his partner, to see how he was doing. A scene change was imminent, and he did not want to be dragged between the galaxies again. Besides, there wasn’t anything new that was chargeable here, other than the mini, and she had already been spawned.

Thomas, meanwhile, had ‘borrowed’ a mop and bucket, as well as a uniform. Stuff moving around on its own attracted attention, but a guy cleaning up vomit near the Stargate did not.

He was finishing up when Orken portalled next to him. “Agent Thomas, are you done?”

“Just about, dude.” He cleaned up the last traces of his breakfast.

Orken glanced nervously at the words. “We have to go now, Agent Thomas.”

 

“What do we do with the mop and bucket?”

“Do you wish to be dragged between galaxies again?”

“No, but-”

“I’ll portal them back to headquarters. Is that okay with you, Agent Thomas?” Orken opened up a portal. Thomas carefully pushed both items through, praying the bucket would remain upright. Then, Orken opened a second one. “Quickly, Agent Thomas.”

The two made it through just before the scene shift would have left them with no choice.

They were once again in Dr. Weir’s office. She was discussing what they were going to be doing the following day.

"Rodney, let's do this tomorrow at nine o'clock; I think we all could use some well deserved rest."

"But, why can't we just do it know? The sooner the better don't you think." He turned to Col Sheppard for support.

"Actually, I'm pretty tied myself." He stretched out his arms and made a fake yawn. "How about you?" He turned towards Elizabeth.

Sheppard’s legs were suddenly tied together with twine.

"Exhausted, plus Rodney you should be totally recharged to look over the fail safes and stuff since you did have a nice long nap today. He turned and walked away with John.

"Oh, come on that is not fair; it was just a tiny little nap, less than a few minutes."

"Good night Rodney! Safety precautions and stuff on my desk tomorrow morning."

"This is cruel and unusual punishment."

Thomas just looked annoyed. “It seems like they’re being mean to Rodney. I mean, not enough to charge, but if this keeps up, dude, I think we should.”

Orken gave one of his characteristically dry chuckles. “Agent Thomas, you’re just saying that because you see yourself in Rodney. I hate to have to tell you this, but you lack his intelligence.”

“I’m plenty smart, dude.” Thomas retorted.

“What is an electron’s charge?”

“To be awesome, duh. It’s all, you know, sciency.”

“That’s not an answer, Agent Thomas.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want to demean myself by answering your simple questions. You ever think of that, dude?” Thomas was once again trying to cross his arms over his chest.

“You would consider that demeaning, but don’t have a problem that a mini-Unas beat you at checkers?”

“O’Neil is a lot smarter than he looks!” Thomas was turning red. “What about you? I seem to recall you returning to the RC one morning a couple of months back with no clothes on and rope burn on your wrists. Talk about demeaning. Dude, you are totally the pot, and you are totally calling me black.”

“I told you never to talk about that!” Orken’s face was turning red as well, and the argument likely would have continued if not for the sudden scene shift. Luckily, this one was relatively minor, and the two were only dragged to an unspecified area of Atlantis where Dr. Weir was gazing out at the sea, and thinking about Colonel Sheppard. The two agents were left with only mild nausea. Then Thomas began reading the Words, and it got worse.

But in all this uncertainty she could only think of one thing. Was he thinking of her. No, stop why are you doing this to your self? You work with this man and even worse, he works for you. Plus, it would be against regulation, he in the military. And I'm his commanding leader. This isn't fair. I'm not even in the military; I should be able to be with whom ever I want. You couldn't if you wanted to. Which you don't. Oh, who the hell are I'm trying to kid? This is your self you're talking to. You like him and you know it. No, I can't! It's just not possible, you can't! But I do. And you have known it ever since you thought you were going to lose him to the Iratus bug. No, I haven't. YES! No you can't, I can't. I do, I do, I do.

Thomas wrote down the charge “Making Dr. Weir act like a middle-schooler about her attraction to Colonel Sheppard.”

Orken saw a bright side to the situation. “At least it’s a relatively canonical romantic attraction.”

Thomas was scowling and resisting the urge to bang his head against the wall. “But dude, she’s totally acting like a middle schooler about it. Weir is a diplomat who has brokered important treaties and she runs all of Atlantis. She’s certainly more more mature than this. I can’t stand to see her out of character like this. I’m so going to kill this Sue.” He patted his rifle, a grin replacing his scowl.

Then Sheppard showed up, and after a brief personal talk, the subject again turned to the Sue. Thomas was happy to hear that she was going to be woken up. The sooner that happened, the sooner he could kill her.

Orken opened another portal. “It’s time to go to the Sue!Lab, Agent Thomas.”

Thomas didn’t have to be asked twice. Staying around Lovesick!Weir was just making him angry.

The two emerged in the lab shortly before Weir walked in. The Science Lad was still looking around, being totally ignored by Rodney and the other scientists.

"Good Morning Rodney," Elizabeth said cheerfully as she walked into the hidden lab.

"I wish it was; I had a horrible night. Not to mention I'm exhausted and starving," Rodney said angrily.

"It is not my fault you were sleeping when you should have been working like everyone else," Elizabeth said strictly.

"Come on, it's not my fault that this place can't run efficiently without me."

"Oh it could, we just love working with someone who is so ignorant it bug the hell out of us," John jumped in.

“Subject number disagreement. And they’re being mean to poor Rodney again.” Thomas was ready to run up and give the irritable Canadian a hug.

Orken shrugged.

"Well isn't that just wonderful. You couldn't just wait to jump in could you?"

"I'm just saying the truth we have plenty of intelligent scientist to help get us out of sticky situations, like Zelenka. Good Morning Zelenka."

"Good Morning, Col. Sheppard. How are you this fine morning?"

Thomas groaned. “Dude, this whole section is riddled with a lack of the letter S.”

"Shut up Zelenka."

"Excuse Me?" Radek asked confused.

"Rodney is mad because he had to stay up all night working with the stasis pod getting it ready for today. He gets grumpy when he lacks sleep. And I'm doing great, thank you. How are you?" John said staring at Rodney the entire them with a smirk on his face.

"It is his own fault he was sleeping on the job. And I was doing just fine," Radek angrily looking at Rodney.

"Is today global pick on Rodney day or something? Did I miss that memo?" Rodney asked annoyed.

Orken grabbed Thomas before his partner could charge the room and give Rodney a hug. “Agent Thomas, I don’t think, even if hugging him was a good idea, Dr. McKay would appreciate it.

“But they’re being mean to him!”

"I didn't get that memo either Dr. McKay," Teyla said entering the lab with Ronnon.

Ronnon the mini-Wraith was followed into the lab by Ronon. Then there was a time shift.

Orken and Thomas grabbed onto pieces of lab machinery as the world shifted around them.

In front of them, the canons where discussing the fountain of youth. Eventually, it broke down into more Rodney bashing.

"And now I'm dropping it; okay." Rodney said annoyed.

"He really does get grumpy when he lacks sleep." Zelenka said.

"You all always have to have the last word don't you." Rodney said turning to Zelenka angrily. Zelenka muttered something inaudible in Russian and walked away.

Thomas exploded. “Zelenka is Czech! Those are two very different countries. For the love of Apophis, this Sue is stupid.” He wrote down the charge ‘Making Zelenka speak Russian.’

Thomas’ comment had made Orken start thinking. “Agent Thomas, so far the actual Sue has done nothing. It is simply her existence that has thrown canon out of balance.”

“What’re yah saying, Orky?” Thomas asked suspiciously.

“Nothing for sure yet. I’ll tell you later if it comes to anything.”

Rodney complained about having to wait for Dr. Beckett. Sheppard had to explain to him just why they had to.

"Because he is the head Doctor on Atlantis and you remember what happened with the…"other Elizabeth" she need medical attention.' John said like it was obvious.

The alternate reality Elizabeth who had long since died suddenly appeared in the lab, and she desperately needed medical attention, mostly because she was supremely old. Thomas tried to run to her, but Orken grabbed him. “No, Agent Thomas. There is nothing we can do for her. We aren’t medical attention.”

Thomas struggled in his partner’s grasp. “But...”

"She was also ten thousands years old!" Rodney said ruddily.

"So, it also had something to do with being in stasis for that long. Her body couldn't handle it." John said staring to raise his voice getting annoyed with Rodney.

Alternate reality Elizabeth went from having been in stasis for ten thousand years to actually being ten thousand years old. The dust that had been her blew out of the room.

Orken tried to lighten the mood, something he was not characteristically good at. “Agent Thomas, look at Rodney’s face. See how he said that ruddily?” He gave his best fake smile.

“Sue is going to die... Sue is going to die...” Thomas was muttering under his breath.

“Agent Thomas, did you hear what I said?”

“What? Oh, yes. A new charge. How wonderful.” Thomas sounded distant, and his lack of focus made him see the Words. “Oh god! Dude!” He pulled a box out of his pocket and pointed it at the Science Lad.

Orken was confused. “Agent Thomas? Where did you get that simulation generator?”

“I keep it on my side of the RC.  You never saw it before? ”

“Agent Thomas, that’s incredibly against the rules,” Orken said sternly.

“Report me when we get back. Right now, this is more important.”

Thomas pressed a series of buttons on the simulation generator and set it on the floor. Then he grabbed the Science Lad, and covered his eyes. “You don’t want to see this, dude.”

Carson finally arrived at the lab.

"I'm here Rodney. I had some …" Dr. Beckett said entering into the lad with some of his medical assistances.

What happened to the Science Lad simulation was not pretty. Thomas eyed the stasis pod with rage in his eyes, but did nothing.  The Science Lad would be fine, but Thomas was going to need a lot of Bleeprin to forget what he was seeing. He stroked the stock of his gun lovingly. “So going to kill her.”

The her in question was at that moment was being unfrozen. She began screaming almost immediately after she was free.

"Dad? Please, do something it getting worse. It feels like someone is craving into my arm with a knife. DAD? Please help…me…." the girl screamed in utter agony at the top of her lung and then she stopped unconscious. John looked up at the rest of the people in the room in shock and then back at the limp body of the girl.

Orken was a bit surprised. “You would think that she would be a bit stronger about all of this. Not that this is an unrealistic reaction. I’ve seen mission reports where Sues stand up to vast amounts of torture with nowhere near this kind of reaction. And, I don’t see any obvious lust objects trying to comfort her. Interesting...”

Thomas was less impressed. “Magical tattoo? Really? Stupid Sue.”

Then Elizabeth got a call on her radio warning about incoming hive ships. Thomas groaned.

“Great. The Sue is going to have Atlantis attacked so she can demonstrate how ‘speshul’ she is.”

Orken nodded. “Most likely, Agent Thomas” He opened up a portal. “Come quickly. There is about to be an author’s note and a huge flashback. We can skip both. The flashback doesn't deal with any canon characters, and we are already charging for the back story warping.”

Thomas picked up the simulation generator and jumped through the portal.

The sun was slowly setting over the city of Atlantis, illuminating it in moon light. The city slowly quieted from a busy of work, but as usual some never did. Dr, Weir, Rodney, John and Zelenka stood in the control room staring at computer screen.

Thomas greeted Dr, Weir the mini. Then he gave looked at the words. “Hm. Almost nothing chargeable after this. I guess we should skip ahead until the Sue wakes up again. What do you say, Orky?”

Orken concurred. “Indeed.” He opened up another portal.

The two Agents emerged just outside the Atlantis medical area. Being very careful to appear like normal mission personnel, the two nonchalantly walked through the door.

The Sue was sitting up in her bed with her arms crossed along her chest, her head was leaning against her pillow and she was staring at the wall in front of, with an angry facial expression.

Soon enough, everyone left the room except for Dr. Beckett, the other major canon characters, Thomas, and Orken. The Sue was focused on her magical tattoo, and wasn’t paying attention to the two agents.

Beckett began giving her an exam.

"I'm going to check your heartbeat, okay." he said quietly and breathed on the stethoscope, "This mite be a little cold." He placed it on her chest a listened. "Everything seems to be fine, does anything hurt?"

A very large, and very cold looking mite appeared on the Sue. It jumped off of her and made a beeline for the exit. Thomas scooped it up and held it against his chest. “Awww. Who’s a good little over-sized mite? You are! Yes you are.”

Orken looked disgusted. “Agent Thomas, that is an enormous dust mite. They eat discarded human skin cells and other disgusting things. We are not keeping it.”

“But Orky, I’ll take really good care of him! Besides I already named him.”

“What did you name the abomination, Agent Thomas?”

“Maybe!”

Orken, not appreciating the joke, just shook his head. “Fine. But you’re keeping it in a cage.” He calculated that the mite would keep his partner distracted long enough for them to finish the mission. There were two more charges left, and then they could finish things up.

Even though all her anger and sadness she was very beautiful the color of her eyes are some what of a mystery every time she moved her head they seemed to change between blues, greens, and browns.

Orken nudged his partner. “Agent Thomas, she has mystery colored eyes. Charge for that.”

In between baby talk, Thomas said “I’ll get right on that, dude.”

The two agents watched (or rather, Orken watched and Thomas baby talked with his giant mite) as the Sue easily convinced Beckett that she needed to see Dr. Heightmeyer, and demonstrated telepathic abilities.

It didn’t take much to convince Beckett that it was urgent and that she needed to leave the room, and that’s when Orken pulled out his gun. Thomas saw what he was doing and gently set the mite on the ground. With great eagerness, he pointed his gun at the Sue. The Sue finally noticed them, jumped out of bed and pointed an accusatory finger in their direction.

“That man is here to kill me!”

All the Canon characters turned and suddenly noticed the agents. Seeing that both men were pointing their weapons at her, Ronon asked confusedly “Which one?”

“The one in the uniform that isn’t from here!”

Indeed, Thomas was still wearing the uniform he had “borrowed” from Cheyenne mountain. Not wanting to shoot Ronon, he froze, and was tackled by the larger man. Thomas groaned from his spot on the floor.

Teyla was eyeing Orken suspiciously. “What about this other man? I do not know why he would need to be armed while in the city of the elders, and I do not recognize him.”

The Sue shook her head.  “No, he’s here to help me. We need to talk. Alone.”

Elizabeth looked unhappy with this. “Wait a minute. I know you’re probably confused, and I feel sorry that your father is dead, but we have some questions for you. First of all, who are these two men, and why did one of them want to kill you?”

The Sue gave Orken a pleading look. “I don’t think I should tell them.”

Orken agreed. “It’s very difficult to explain.”

Sheppard, without Orken noticing, had gotten his pistol pointed at him. “Then start talking.”

Orken was quiet for several seconds. “Do not shoot me. This should explain everything.” He dug around in his pocket, and slowly removed his remote activator. Sheppard did not take his eyes off of him.

Orken set the dial to take him to the same abandoned stretch of beach he had used last time he was in this Canon. He gave the Sue a meaningful look, and she returned it. She had been paying attention to his thoughts. Without warning, Orken activated a portal directly in front of him. The Sue charged forward as well, jumping through just before it closed.

The two stood on a stretch of Florida beach, staring out at the sea.

“I don’t belong here, do I?” The Sue sounded rather depressed.

Orken couldn’t really blame her. “No, Priyala, you do not.”

“Have I really messed things up?” the Sue asked.

Orken didn’t answer. The telepathic girl knew the answer.

“You’re supposed to kill me, right? But you don’t want to. You think I can be saved.”

“I do. Without the prophecy, the only thing making you a Sue is your beauty and your abilities. Your personality is tolerable. We could always use more agents. I would personally vouch for you.”

Priyala thought about it for several seconds, before giving a small smile. “Why not? I can read your mind. I’m really sorry about what my presence has done to Canon. It’s very important to you. I think I can help protect something like that. My whole purpose is...”

“Gone. Never existed in the first place. I know how...”

“I know. I can read your mind, remember?” She looked Orken directly in the eyes, and he fainted.

When he came to, about ten minutes later, he had a splitting headache. “Ugh. We need to do something about your mystery colored eyes, though. I’m also assuming you want someone to help with the tattoo?”

Priyala closed her eyes. “I can do this for now.”

Orken grimaced as another wave of pain shot through his head. “Yeah, stick with that. And stay here, I’m going to go get the charge list. Oh, and my partner. I should get him too.”

Thomas had spent the last fifteen minutes handcuffed to a bed in the infirmary. Sheppard had not stopped questioning him since he had been pulled out from under Ronon. So far, Thomas had stayed quiet. Sheppard began from the beginning again. “Who are you?”

“Agent Thomas Greenwall of the PPC, RC Number 16202535.”

“Why did you want to kill the girl?”

“Agent Thomas Greenwall of the PPC, RC Number 16202535.”

Sheppard rolled his eyes. “I’ve never even heard of the PPC. Every time I ask you to tell me what it is you give me the same routine. Come on, tell me what that is at least.”

Before he could get his response, Orken had portalled back into the room, directly under the bed. He reached into Thomas’ pocked and removed two objects. The first was the notebook with all the charges in it. The second was the miniature laser the Genius!Stu from their last mission had so generously created for them.

“I didn’t get an answer, Tommy boy.”

“Uh... Agent Thomas Greenwall of the PPC, RC Number 16202535?”

Sheppard rolled his eyes. “Go ahead, keep wasting both our time why don’t you?”

Orken, meanwhile, had opened up a portal and was back on the beach.

Priyala was surprised to see Orken alone. “Where’s Agent Thomas?”

“It’s better he isn’t here. After I charge you, I don’t trust him not to kill you.”

“Get it over with.”

“Priyala, you are charged with Having the Alterans have a prophesy, when they were generally not a religious race. Even the Ori where simply manipulators, and not religious in that sense. Warping Canon history to make your existence lead to the creation of the Ori, warping Canon history to make your mere existence having held the promise of salvation for the Ancients, and creating a branch of the Alterens devoted to you.” Orken gave her an apologetic look. “That’s just the prologue. None of it is strictly your fault, but...”

Priyala waved a hand at him, looking embarassed. “Go on.”

“Having Dr. Weir ask a statement as a question, getting Sheppard lost in a Craftsman Ship, creating a Science Lad, bringing a lab to life, having paper in an ancient lab, describing your appearance in greater detail than anything else previously mentioned, having “golden brown” hair, not knowing what a sunset looks like and having an awful, abrupt and nausea inducing scene change.”

The girl gave a gesture. “Continue, Agent Orken.”

“Having Siler announce an incoming wormhole, instead of Walter Harriman, creating a new form of stasis technology to preserve yourself for ten thousand years, creating more romantic tension between Weir and Sheppard than existed in canon, throwing Dr. Weir out of character by having her pine after Colonel Sheppard like a middle schooler, having Zelenka speak Russian when he is in fact Czech, sending the wraith after Atlantis to prove your ‘speshulnes,’ for creating a cold mite, for bending Dr. Beckett to your will with minimal argument and finally for having awful mystery colored eyes.”

Priyala looked relieved. “I’m glad to have that over.”

Orken looked apologetic. “Not exactly. You are also charged with persistent and unwarranted mockery of Dr. Rodney McKay, subpar grammar, multiple improper tense shifts, a lack of understanding of how to use the letter S, creating the mini-Wraiths Altaeran, Altaerans, Asusrans, Dr, Weir and Ronnon, as well as the mini-Unas Col. Crater, Lt. Colonel Samantha Cater and Sg-1. Finally, you are charged with being a Mary Sue.” He took a deep breath. “You stay here. I have to go clean up.”

Orken portalled into the infirmary again, but this time he showed up on one of the beds, neuralyzer in hand. “Hey! Look at me! Thomas, close your eyes!”

The Canons all turned and looked at him. There was a flash.

“There is no secret lab in one of the residential corridors of Atlantis. You never found a teenage girl there, and you all dislike Rodney as much as you did last week.” The Canons were dazed, and put up no fight when Orken cut the chain on Thomas’ handcuffs. Orken portalled them to the Sue!Lab “You collect the minis and your gun. I’ll get the Science Lad taken care of, and mind wipe the rest of the canons.”

Thomas nodded, and then had a thought. “Dude, what’d you do with the Sue? Was it brutal?” He looked rather hopeful.

Orken took a few seconds to answer. “We’ll discuss that later.” He tossed the RA to Thomas. “I can walk where I need to go.

It took the two agents four hours to clean up. They met in the Sue!Lab, which would soon be disappearing. The Science Lad was looking with more than a little fear at Thomas and his menagerie of eight minis and the cold mite. He got as far behind Orken as he could.

Thomas was looking annoyed. “Orky, please tell me you’re done, because I’m having trouble keeping these minis from wandering off.”

“I am, Agent Thomas. May I have the RA?”

Thomas handed it over.

“Agent Thomas, I need you to take these minis and the Science Lad back to headquarters. I have to pick someone up and take her to the department of personnel.” He opened up a portal.

Thomas suddenly understood what was going on. He got very pale. “You didn’t kill her. Dude...”

“We’ll discuss this later.”

“We’ll discuss this now!” Thomas was determined.

Orken shrugged, and pushed Thomas through the portal. The minis followed him. After all, he had been giving them food.

The Science Lad gave Orken a questioning look, and Orken nodded. “Go on. You’ll be fine.”

Then, Orken opened another portal and met Priyala on the beach. It was time to see what the folks in headquarters thought about her.

Author’s Endnote:  The Sue really isn’t that bad. Killing her could have been done, but recruiting her made more sense. I might be using her as an agent. If I decide not to, she’ll go on the list of unclaimed NPCs.