Unholy Lich-Bunnies, Arthas!

Agents Caroline Moor and Veralyn Amberwing – DMS, Freelance Division, second mission

Written by KittyNoodles

Disclaimer: I don’t own or claim to be the creator of any part of the PPC other than Caroline Moor, Veralyn Amberwing, Firebrand, and Flutteryshy. The original concept of the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, and any newer technology/rules/events/etc. are credited to their rightful owners – who are also not me.

Additionally, I do not own/am not the creator of any part of the World of Warcraft continuum – not even blood elves or dragonhawks. That honor goes to Blizzard Entertainment.

“A Death Knight Story” and the OCs known as Kaya Bloodgrasp, Telandra Plaguemoon, and Marm the ghoul (the awesomest and most canonical OC I have ever encountered) belong to EllipsisFlood, at whose request I am sporking this. Hopefully I can somewhat successfully toe the line between sugarcoating– and snarking this to death.

Warnings: Contains language, crude humor, disturbing mental images, and hints of lime. I’m going to preemptively apologize on Caroline’s behalf for any nightmares you may suffer after reading this.

FOR THA HORDE. -points and charges dramatically-

Caroline was still unconscious.

This would not normally disturb Veralyn – after all, her terrifying aim with a boot was the reason the human was out to being with – had it not been for the fact that Caroline had apparently not moved since Veralyn had retrieved her boot (again) and settled in to meditate an hour ago.

Or... it had probably been roughly an hour. Veralyn was so used to meditating that at this point one session of it could probably be used as an accurate measurement of time, so, yes, roughly an hour.

An hour with no movement from Caroline. At all.

Flutteryshy had moved out of its corner again and lay curled up on Caroline’s belly, seeming once more quite pleased with itself. Risking the mini’s notice, Veralyn stood up and peeked over at her partner – only to clap her hands over her mouth in a fruitless attempt to keep herself from laughing.

The noise startled Firebrand, who had been napping at the foot of Veralyn’s bed; chittering irritably, the dragonhawk dragged himself into the air, eyed Caroline for a moment, and let out what can best be described as a very loud dragonhawk laugh (which sounds a bit like a cross between an angry toucan, a cat with its tail caught under someone’s foot, and a slightly insane dragonfly that keeps trying to fight with its reflection in a window).

Caroline grumbled something incoherent and probably vulgar, then rolled onto her stomach, nearly squashing the mini-Discord. Flutteryshy moved just in time, then grinned wickedly at his audience (both of whom were close to hysterics by this point) and snapped his talon fingers, which caused an addition to his previous masterpiece to materialize on the hapless teenager’s face.

The only reason Veralyn’s subsequent fit of cackling did not wake Caroline up was that the much louder [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-WAKEUP-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP] did the job for her.

“Ididn’tdoit!” Caroline shrieked, waking up abruptly and flailing about until she fell off the bed, knocking her head against the frame as Veralyn staggered over to the Console, still laughing so hard that tears leaked from her remaining eye.

“Welcome back,” Veralyn managed to choke out once she’d shut the [BEEP] off. “Had... Had a nice sleep, did you?”

“Ow, sonuvacookie...” Caroline grumbled as she sat up next to her bed, rubbing her forehead. “D’we already have another mission?”

“Already?” Veralyn snorted. “We’ve practically had a vacation, it’s been so long.”

“How long was I out?” Caroline asked, frowning as she scratched her chin–

And freezing when her fingers brushed against something leafy and petal-y-feeling. A glance down revealed that she had sprouted a beard long enough to pool in her lap, made entirely of a cartoony, bright blue, bell-shaped flower she immediately recognized as poison joke – and the end of that ‘beard’ was tasseled with more jinglebells than a Christmas play put on by kindergartners.

“YOU!” Caroline howled, grabbing for Flutteryshy and missing spectacularly due to the mini abusing its ability to pop up anywhere and taking refuge on Veralyn’s head. Caroline scrambled to her feet, eyed the mini-Discord and its ‘fortress’ for a moment (and looking like an enraged chipmunk with its mouth full of acorns), and backed off a bit, threatening, “If I develop fly-eyes because you decided to use poison joke, I will cheerfully turn you into mini stew.”

Flutteryshy let out an evil cackle, then popped off Veralyn’s head and reappeared in front of Caroline, tilting its head as it admired its work and then twirling out of the way of Caroline’s grab for it.

“Turn me back!” the teen demanded.

Flutteryshy yawned, curled up on her pillow, and pretended to fall asleep.

“Oh, by the Light,” Veralyn ground out, abruptly going rigid as she stared at their new mission. “You’ll want to shave if that thing won’t change you back, human.”

“Why?” Caroline asked, shooting the mini-Discord a final glare as she stood up and walked over to the Console. The jinglebells sent up such a ruckus as she moved that the human finally grabbed them in her hands to muffle the disharmonious jingling.

“Remember how you said you wanted a Warcraft mission?” Veralyn demanded drily. “Someone must have heard you – we have to go exorcise the Lich King.” The blood elf spat the title like it had burned her tongue... which it probably had, considering the blood elves were one of those races with a special grudge against the Scourge in general and Arthas in particular.

Then again, Veralyn was an ex-blip, and from what Caroline remembered of the blood elf’s fic of origin, Veralyn likely had no memory of Arthas’s invasion of Quel’Thalas...

“Exorcise the Lich King,” Caroline repeated, not quite sounding as though she believed what she had heard. “Exorcise. The bleeding Lich King.”

Veralyn muttered something in Thalassian (which, though Caroline only caught the word for ‘bleeding’, translated to, “He’ll be bleeding when I’m finished.”) After another moment she turned, walked back to her bed, and threw the door to her cupboard open so fast Caroline was surprised it didn’t come off its tracks.

“Hey, no weapons for you this time, reme– Eek!” Caroline flinched, catching the (thankfully sheathed) knife Veralyn tossed to her more because her hands came up to defend her face than because she’d actually meant to catch the weapon.

“Which books concerning my continuum do you have, human?” Veralyn’s voice was businesslike to the point of being clinical as she turned and tossed another knife to Caroline (who only then realized she’d been given the knives Veralyn wore on her waist.)

“Ah...” Caroline caught the second knife, then turned and dug through her miniature library for all of her Warcraft books. “I’ve got... the War of the Ancients Archive – which is ten thousand years too early – Wolfheart, but that’s too late, Rise of the Horde, which doesn’t really deal with the Lich King, to my knowledge. Really should read that one through all the way...”

“Is that all?” Veralyn demanded, kneeling down and digging frantically through the books Caroline hadn’t searched through yet. “By the sun, you have all this wonderful knowledge of my continuum and only four books to show for it?”

“Six, technically,” Caroline corrected absently. “The Archive is the entire War of the Ancients trilogy in one big book.” She held it up to demonstrate, then seemed to mull something over for a minute before she asked, “Hey, it doesn’t really need to be about the Lich King, right? I mean, as long as it’s something representing the canon, it should be fine, yeh? Besides, this thing–” she gave the book she held a clumsy shake, nearly dropping it due to its weight, “–could bludgeon an elephant to death, paperback or no.”

Veralyn dug through her pile of books a moment longer, then sat back with a resigned sigh and eyed the Archive as if it had just tried to convince her springpaw lynxes preferred grass over rabbits.

“Or we could snag some books from the continuum itself,” Caroline suggested after a moment of awkward silence. “I hear there was another Warcraft mission where they snagged some books from the library in Stormwind Keep. As long as we give them back, we should be fine, right?”

“Yes, but where shall we get the books from?” Veralyn asked, sounding like a teacher who realizes she’s explaining simple mathematics to a dozy student. “I can retrieve something from Silvermoon City, but you would have to come with me – and I don’t trust for one second that you wouldn’t charge off to the first friendly-seeming creature you saw.”

“Oh, please,” Caroline snorted. “I’d behave myself better than that. C’mon, Ver, I know better than to draw attention to myself when it means I’ll probably end up dead for it!” At Veralyn’s Look, the teen changed tactics and said, “Okay, look, we’re PPC agents. We’ve got a... oh, what’s it called? A don’t-look-at-me field? Nah, that’s not... Anyway, canons aren’t going to notice us unless we draw attention to ourselves or an original character points us out.”

“And you think that will be enough to keep you from being noticed – and summarily slaughtered and fed to windriders – in a Horde city?” Veralyn seemed skeptical.

“Yeah, kinda,” Caroline answered cheerfully. She grabbed the Archive and shoved it into her pack – carefully moving her PPC gear out of the way as she did so – and then got up and headed over to the Console. “Hmm... I guess we don’t really need disgui– Ack!”

Veralyn had by this point stopped blushing (and by blushing we mean not blushing at all, obviously), swooped over to Caroline’s side, and rather unceremoniously shoved her out of the way.

“Disguises!” Veralyn swore for a bit in Thalassian (and Caroline pressed two words into her memory, feeling relatively certain of their English counterparts by now) and tapped angrily at the buttons on the panel. “Of course. We’ll just disguise you as something that does have the right to enter a Horde city! Why didn’t you think of that?”

“Because I was busy being traumatized by my beard?” Caroline suggested, though she seemed rather happy to play with her new accessory as she said this.

A long-fingered hand grabbed the poison joke beard and yanked hard, toppling Caroline as the flowers came off with a sound like... well, like flowers being ripped out of the ground. Or off of a chin.

“Okay, ow,” Caroline grumbled, rubbing her chin as Veralyn tossed the poison joke beard on top of Flutteryshy (who apparently had fallen asleep, because it didn’t even flinch or attempt to move out from under the flowers). “Thanks, but next time, can y’warn me?”

“No,” Veralyn answered as a portal opened up to her right. “Now come on – and stay close, do you understand?”

“Got it,” Caroline answered with a sharp nod.

Veralyn turned to enter the portal... only for Firebrand to try to slip in first. Her experience with the dragonhawk showed in the sharp command she barked (again in Thalassian) that made him freeze and return sullenly to the RC.

“Not this time, Firebrand,” the blood elf told her companion. “Not this time. I’m sorry.”

Firebrand gave a furious-sounding chortle and pecked at Veralyn’s flash patch. Caroline wasn’t sure if dragonhawks had facial expressions, but she thought this one seemed to be glaring.

“Not this time,” Veralyn reasserted. “You have to stay here.” She grimaced as Firebrand tossed his head and let out a long, raspy call that was probably akin to someone yelling in frustration. “It’s the way things have to be, here. I’m unarmed for threatening a Flower; do you want me to go through more than just this mission weaponless because I brought you along?”

The dragonhawk nudged her cheek sharply and tossed his head in the direction of the portal.

“Am I going to have to tether you?” Veralyn snapped. One hand was already reaching for the pouch she wore on her belt; Caroline wondered vaguely if that pouch had compartments, or if the tether was on top of the bloodthistle leaves.

It seemed she wouldn’t find out today, though; at the mention of the word ‘tether’, Firebrand finally seemed to relent, though he sulked as he wound himself about his master’s shoulders for a moment and then flew back to her bed, curling up as though she had already died.

“Let’s go,” Veralyn ordered, stepping through the portal before Caroline could say anything. The teen followed mutely–

–And promptly staggered as her body grew about two feet in height, to say nothing of the way her arms and legs grew thicker and sprouted white-and-chocolate-brown-splotched fur, or the thick, cloven hooves her feet morphed into, or even the tail that popped out behind her (very itchy, that is). The sudden shift from her original outfit (black t-shirt, paint-splattered jeans, and worn-down boots) to tough leather armor didn’t help much, instead only adding weight as the teenager tried to adjust and regain her balance.

“You... turned me into a tauren,” Caroline commented, glancing down at her hands and turning them this way and that. Her voice was noticeably deeper.

“Yes,” Veralyn said, heading off to the nearby gates of Silvermoon City. “They’re big. They’re nothing but muscle. And they work well as meat shields.” She looked over her shoulder and gave her partner a wolfish grin before adding, “Come on, ‘Bessey’, let’s be off.”

“This is so cool,” Caroline commented, grinning herself as she trotted after Veralyn. Not for one mission alone had she learned to maneuver on hooves, it seemed!

True to Caroline’s guess, nobody batted an eyelash at the sight of a blood elf and a tauren walking into the city – mostly because, as Caroline demonstrated by waving her hand in front of a passing civilian’s face, no one actually noticed them.

“So, where are we going to find a more appropriate canon source?” Caroline asked after the two had left the Walk of Elders and passed into Murder Row. A nearby drunkard – passed out against the wall of an inn and surrounded by empty bottles – snorted and slumped over like a sack of potatoes, mumbling something incoherent about wine.

“Sunfury Spire,” Veralyn answered, sidestepping a cackling gremlin and the warlock who’d managed to lose control of it as they charged past the agents. “In the room containing the portal to the Blasted Lands.”

“And we’re going straight to that room and then portaling straight to the fic,” Caroline commented. “With no sight-seeing stops.”

“Of course.”

“And you totally didn’t swipe my disposable camera before we left.” The corners of Caroline’s mouth twitched.

Veralyn chose not to answer as they continued on to the Spire. The camera in question felt suddenly heavier in her belt pouch.

“God in Heaven, Veralyn, you took a bajillion pictures of Lor’themar.”

Caroline was torn between being annoyed that the fifteenth flash or so had caught the Regent Lord’s attention (which had forced her to drag Veralyn through a hastily-opened portal while the huntress snapped a few more pictures) and laughing hysterically at the fact that Veralyn had indeed snapped several pictures of Lor’themar Theron.

“Mention this to anyone at Headquarters and no one will ever find your body.” Veralyn did not look anywhere near as shamefaced as she probably should have, all things considered. The pictures must have been very good ones.

“At least you didn’t start until after we grabbed some books.” Caroline patted her now bulging book bag as she spoke, having gleefully swiped The Lich King Triumphant and The Scourge of Lordaeron before she had caught Veralyn sneaking away, camera in hand. “Hopefully this will work.”

Veralyn grimaced and cast a dismayed look at her surroundings, which at first glance seemed to be the typical gray nothingness that preceded most badfics.

“It hasn’t even begun and already this place stinks of the grave,” the huntress murmured. “Stay close, human; playing a game does not make you an expert in destroying the undead.”

There was an ominous rumble, and a moment later the author’s note sounded around the duo.

A/N: This is it. I’m writing this down. I’m making this happen. This story has been in my head for way too long.

“Hey, an author’s note that doesn’t sound like a foghorn,” Caroline remarked. “I like.” Nonetheless, she reached down into her pack and fished out her notepad and pencil (which, as with the rest of her gear, had managed to grow to fit her temporarily larger body).

… it’s an Arthas/OC story...

“A what?” Veralyn demanded.

“OC stands for ‘original character’,” Caroline explained. “An Arthas-slash-OC story means Arthas is getting paired with the OC.”

“Why in the name of the sun–”

Warnings: Sillyness, sexyness, general weirdness, and, as far as I can guess, fetish fuel.

Veralyn made a sound that seemed to be a cross between a gag and a wordless snarl of rage as the badfic started to roll. “Fetish fuel,” she spat angrily.

“Arise, Death Knight. Arise and serve your new king.”

True to the story’s description, the voice that spoke these words was cold and hollow-sounding, and Caroline cheerfully wrote down points for proper representation of a Death Knight’s voice in her notepad while Veralyn bared her teeth at the Generic Scourge Hold they had been dropped in (which bore a striking resemblance to the Ebon Hold, likely due to the Word World trying to fall back on the game in the absence of any solid description from the fic).

Caroline tilted her head as the main Sue, a human woman who as of yet had no name or description, tried to decide whether the pale-skinned, white-haired elf in front of her was a night elf, blood elf, or high elf. The elf, other than being a white-haired, pale-skinned male, seemed to flicker between all three at random intervals as the Word World tried to figure out the same thing.

As the young woman opened her eyes, two bluish glowing orbs stared at her. The face they sat in belonged to some kind of elf. His skin was pale and his hair was white, so she couldn’t tell what kind of elf it was. Night Elf, Blood Elf, High Elf.

“Poor bloke,” Caroline muttered, affecting a less-than-halfway-decent Australian accent as she scribbled down more-than-barebones description resulting in an elven Death Knight being three types of elf at the same time and no description of OC resulting in too many hair- and skin color changes to keep track of. “Say, if he was a night elf, wouldn’t his skin be some shade or another of blue or purple?”

“Ostensibly,” Veralyn murmured, her eyes still fixed on the scene before them.

“From now on, you’re going to serve me!”

Veralyn swore mightily and clapped her hands over her ears, which of course did nothing to prevent the voice of the Lich King from ringing in her mind. Caroline shuddered and slid back a bit; this was so much worse than hearing him speak in-game...

“Does the Lich King use contractions very often?” the teen asked meekly as the formerly human woman – who now identified herself as Kaya – began to contemplate her lack of memories.

“Not to my knowledge,” Veralyn growled as she watched Kaya leave what was now being called a hall. The area seemed to ripple in protest, and then the world faded to black for a moment before fading back into focus a few weeks later, in a different part of the Generic Scourge Hold.

“Ah,” Caroline sighed. “That is a proper scene shift... although those paragraphs were very... blocky.” Tail swishing irritably, the typically human agent wrote down ginormous paragraphs in her notepad, remarking as she did so, “I feel squished.”

Kaya Bloodgrasp – “Oh! A nice, foreboding sort of name, yes?” Caroline commented with a small smile – sat on the edge of her bed, polishing her runeblade and seeming oddly smug about the process.

Another thing that stroke her, and some of the veterans, odd was how easy it was for her to choose her path of training.

“That sentence is... uhm... wow,” Caroline said, blinking as if to clear her eyes of the confusing flashback. “I’m not even sure how to charge that...”

“She confused ‘struck’ with ‘stroke’,” Veralyn grated out as Kaya began spiraling towards an inevitable swoon over the Lich King. “She left out an adverb – an observation cannot strike you odd, that makes no sense – and ‘path of training’ may not be the best way to describe any of the Death Knight talent trees.”

Confusion of ‘struck’ with ‘stroke’, resulting in an observation petting a character, Dropped adverb resulting in an observation striking a character oddly, and Dubious wording concerning which talent a Death Knight specializes in were added to the notepad, just in time for Kaya to catch herself swooning over Arthas.

“She does realize the entity known as ‘Arthas’ is a very small presence within the Lich King’s being, right?” Caroline asked as Kaya started to walk to a randomly placed training grounds. “It seems to me that a lot of people miss that...”

“Even Tirion Fordring calls him Arthas,” Veralyn said with a dismissive wave of her hand. The muscles on her jaw stood out rather prominently as she added, “It’s that wretch’s fault the Lich King has a body now, so why bother calling him anything else?”

“Point taken,” Caroline agreed, snorting as Kaya froze and only then realized the Lich King was speaking to her instructor. On cue, both entities materialized not a hundred meters away, seeming to discuss a mysterious something while Kaya checked to be sure she wasn’t drooling. “Woman, he’s the reason you’re trapped in a state of eternal undeath. You should not be swooning over him. Although drooling may come with being– Veralyn, stay.”

Caroline reached out almost complacently and gripped her partner’s shoulder as tightly as she dared, not wanting to accidentally crack any bones while she was in a body built for strength. Veralyn jolted to a stop, but her eye remained fixed on the Lich King as she hissed something in Thalassian that was nearly too quiet for Caroline to hear.

“You have no weapons,” Caroline reminded the huntress. “And I am not jumping between you and Frostmourne just because you were too stupid to wait.”

“Recruit!” The voice of the Lich King rumbled through the agents’ minds, and Caroline breathed a quiet sigh of relief as Kaya turned and knelt before her king.

Veralyn cursed again and jerked away, though thankfully she stayed put. Caroline wasn’t sure if common sense or the jolt of the Lich King’s voice had gotten through to her, but at least she seemed calm enough for the younger agent to turn her attention from the blood elf to pulling her CAD out and pointing it at the Lich King as his eyes briefly became long- and spiky enough to graze Kaya’s shoulder.

“Get up,” the Lich King ordered Kaya, who flickered out of sight and returned an instant later on her feet, looking everywhere but her king.

“Coward,” Veralyn sniffed as Caroline fiddled with the CAD. Two fingers to a hand was arguably as difficult to get used to as four hooves.

“I don’t see anything special about her, aside from being really submissive.”

The CAD finally beeped and gave Caroline the reading: [Arthas Menethil, aka Lich King. Undead/human/orc male. Canon. Out of character 23%]

“Is that all?” Caroline asked, seeming a bit confused as she stowed the CAD again. Kaya’s instructor – the same identity-confused elf from earlier – seemed desperate to convince Arthas that Kaya was worth her salt as a Death Knight, which of course prompted the Lich King to demand a demonstration.

“I want a demonstration. Get me a slave.”

Veralyn’s teeth audibly clicked together.

Caroline choked as the multi-elven Death Knight backed away from Arthas and Kaya, one slightly bony finger to his lips as he shushed them until he had exited the scene. “Charge for poor choice of words, resulting... resulting in a Death Knight shushing Arthas...” The teenager snickered and shook her head as she tried to write the charge legibly.

The agents watched with forced enthusiasm as Kaya used her blood powers as an excuse to be an excellent fighter (“Training is training, m’dear,” Caroline sighed as Veralyn rolled her good eye and muttered derogatory things in Thalassian), only to sheath her sword when she should have made a finishing blow and taunting her ‘blooding’ opponent with all the sweetness of a melted Peepz.

“No way I’m gonna end your misery here.” Kaya patted his shoulder, ignoring the huge gaping wound there (“Isn’t that just a bit redundant?” Caroline asked. “I mean, if it’s gaping, wouldn’t the average reader assume it’s also fairly large?”) and stood up again.A bit unsure, she turned around to her two specators. (Veralyn snorted and snatched Caroline’s writing paraphernalia to jot down Misspelling the word ‘spectators.) “Or should I kill him?” The elf seemed to have zoned out a bit, but when he returned, he shook his head. “That’s enough for the moment.”

“The Lich King would never allow a Death Knight to show mercy, much less order it,” Veralyn growled. “Not killing him, killing him... if he’s a slave, why should Arthas care if he lives or dies twice? He’d want a Death Knight with no desire to leave an opponent standing.”

“I could tell you that,” Caroline agreed, scribbling a charge down. “The third or fourth mission you get with a Death Knight character is to slaughter an unworthy initiate because your runeblade makes you hungry for the pain and death of others. Why isn’t Kaya’s runeblade making her hungry?” Another charge was scribbled in as she spoke: Not being affected by vampiric runeblades.

“Get over here.” The Lich King’s demand echoed through the air. Caroline froze and then very nearly obeyed alongside Kaya, only to get shoved through a portal before she could take more than half a step forward.

“Fight it,” Veralyn growled, pausing just long enough to charge Kaya for squeeing as a Death Knight before following Caroline into the next chapter and closing the portal.

“Man, even the living get it rough around him,” Caroline commented, shuddering as her own will reasserted itself in the absence of Arthas’s. “That might have sucked.”

The agents watched as Kaya gathered her scant belongings – most of which she already had on her person – and stuffed an acolyte’s robe with what looked like a poorly-made, roughly human-sized stuffed toy.

“Okay...” Caroline shook her head, then pricked her ears and said, “Oh, fel, we need to get that instructor dude to Fic Psyche.”

“Instructor dude?” Veralyn asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, the multi-elf.” Caroline snagged the RA from Veralyn, opened a portal, and stepped through with a cheerful, “Just a moment.”

Veralyn swore under her breath and followed Kaya out into the center of what was now being called a complex, only to come dangerously close to punching Caroline when the tauren reappeared a few moments later.

“Hello again!” Caroline grinned as she handed Veralyn the RA. “Poor bloke’s finally decided on high elf – mighty good-lookin’ one, too – so Fic Psyche just needs to sort him out and he’ll be as good as gold and back home in no time!”

Whatever Veralyn meant to say came out as a strangled yelp as the Generic Scourge Hold momentarily became a Generic Scourge Office Complex. It changed back to a Hold when the Word World realized how ridiculous that looked, although not quite before the agents noticed two reanimated skeletons hanging out by a water cooler fashioned from rib bones, nor before Caroline snapped a picture of a Generic Death Knight sitting at a saronite desk and answering a telephone fashioned from what looked to be wingbones.

“Right,” Caroline snorted. Turning Acherus the Suecond into Mendocino County’s Environmental Health office and Causing an agent to use bad puns due to your stupidity rubbing off were added to the charge list.

Kaya joined two other Death Knights at the center of the Generic Scourge Room: a bulky orc woman and a dwarf with a close-cropped beard.

“Dwarves do not have short beards,” Veralyn commented drily. “I don’t care if he is undead, he should not have a short beard.”

“Noted,” Caroline said. She looked up from her pad in time for the Lich King to materialize and comment on the punctuality of the three gathered Death Knights.

“At least you are on time.”

Kaya flinched as Arthas appeared right behind her. (“Why is he standing behind them?” Caroline asked. “What, is he feeling impish today? ‘Ho-ho, I am behind you, Death Knights’?”) The weird thing about this was, that she didn’t really notice him. The constant whispering in her head had become much more ambiguous (“I don’t think that’s the right word.” Caroline’s ears flicked in disdain.) since she he had chosen her for training in Icecrown Citadel.

“Right, charge for calling the Lich King a hermaphrodite,” Caroline snickered.

“The Lich King is a constant presence in the minds of all of his servants,” Veralyn ground out irritably. “If Kaya hasn’t noticed him as much, she hasn’t been paying attention – which is impossible.”

“Especially considering she’s ‘ascending’ the ranks of the Scourge,” Caroline added, again dutifully scribbling down the charge. “Seems to me that the closer you are to the Lich King, the more constant his voice becomes. You know, because you’re no longer a pawn, you’re actively dispensing orders for him.”

“A pawn is a pawn no matter how close it is to the king,” Veralyn commented grimly. “You just lose your sense of being a puppet as you climb the ladder.”

The very Arthas who now opened a death gate. Slowly, the Orc stepped through it, followed by the dwarf and eventually Kaya. Right after her, the Lich King followed.

“And why isn’t Arthas stepping through his portal first?” Caroline asked as she readied a... slightly less dangerous portal to Icecrown Citadel. “He’s the ruddy king, isn’t he? Why let your underlings go in first? Be a leader! Take charge!”

Veralyn rolled her eye again as she followed her partner into Icecrown Citadel.

“The geists will show you to your new quarters.”

Veralyn ground her teeth against another curse as Arthas’s voice echoed through her mind. Oddly enough, though, the Lich King was nowhere to be seen, so Caroline and Veralyn warily made their way through the Citadel, following Kaya as she in turn followed a chipper-seeming geist to her quarters.

Time and space contorted, and the agents found themselves scrambling for cover as Kaya took in her new bedroom. A Generic Bed, Table, Chair, and Wardrobe dotted the room, leaving plenty of gray nothingness for the agents to duck into.

“It’s freezing in here,” Caroline grumbled, rubbing her arms and clenching her teeth to keep them from chattering. Veralyn’s own skin showed veins here and there, but the huntress said nothing as she wrote down Causing Arthas not to notice an underling’s rampaging sexual fetish for him. By the Light, even Kel’Thuzad isn’t so easy to read.

“Oh, ew, not this again,” Caroline whimpered as the scene faded to black. Veralyn could just make out the temporarily larger form of her partner as the teen curled up and whispered something that vaguely sounded like, “There is no life in the void...”

When the black faded to a new scene, the agents found themselves in the middle of Kaya’s dream about the Lich King.

Kaya stood in her room, staring holes into the wall. (Said wall immediately took on the appearance of swiss cheese.) Suddenly, someone pulled her close to himself and held her there. Immediately, she blushed, not even asking who that person was.

“I can feel you like that, Kaya.”

“Ew, my mind feels violated.” Caroline made a quiet retching sound and shook her head.

“A-Arthas...” She closed her eyes and focussed on his touch. “Take m–”

“By all the– he’s an undead abomination, woman!” Veralyn exclaimed. Doing so (un)fortunately startled Kaya awake, and the agents had to dive into the Generic Wardrobe as she got up, dressed, and slipped outside.

“Are you trying to get us turned into zombies?” Caroline demanded in an angry whisper as she stumbled back out. “Bottle that rage up, all right? Take it out on her when we kill her... again... and not while we’re trying to stay unnoticed!”

Veralyn didn’t answer as she keyed in a portal to... somewhere... and dumped Kaya’s runeblade and ridiculous stuffed toy through. “These don’t ever show up again, so why not get rid of them?” she asked at Caroline’s raised eyebrow.

“Come on,” the younger agent sighed. “We’re losing track of our Sue.”

The agents wandered a few Generic Saronite Hallways for what seemed a good thirty minutes or so before they finally caught up with Kaya... in time to watch her miss her door, turn to go back to it, slip, and fall over.

“All right, I’m on hooves and I’m not having any trouble,” Caroline snorted. Behind her, Veralyn rolled her eye and wrote down Behaving like an imbecile in very close proximity to the Lich King and managing not not be turned into jelly on the spot and Slipping on a textured saronite surface upon which a temporarily tauren agent has no difficulty remaining upright.

“You know, there is a reason why it’s called Icecrown Citadel.”

Caroline pointed her CAD in the direction of the doorway Kaya had vanished through, not quite willing to be in the same small room as Arthas.

[Arthas Menethil, aka the Lich King. Undead/human/orc male. Canon. Out of character 42.3333333% and rising]

“Ouch, little warm there, are we?” Caroline muttered as she stuffed her hot-to-the-touch CAD back into her pack.

More pointless dialogue occurred, and though they could read the entire conversation by watching the Words, the agents were forced also to listen to Arthas’s end of things due to his surprisingly canonical abuse of his ability to read minds and speak within them.

Even tough (“Though,” Caroline sighed, scribbling down Confusing ‘though’ with ‘tough’, resulting in God only knows what image) he kept a totally straight face, she felt like he had laughed at her for th– Wait what woah? Kaya blinked a few times before she noticed that Arthas didn’t wear his armor. (“Don’t say it,” Veralyn warned at Caroline’s strangled giggle.) Or his helmet, at this occasion. Her jaw dropped a bit as she just stood at the door, staring. Get a fucking hold of yourself Kaya! Blink blink. It’s just Arthas! (“‘Just Arthas’?” both agents chorused cynically.) In... civilian clothes... without that helmet... (“Helm of Domination, dearest,” Caroline sighed again.) wow... WARGH! I have to say something! “It won’t happen again, my king.” That was silly.

“It’s silly to tell the Lich King you’ll try not to act like a dunce in the future?” Caroline asked, raising an eyebrow at the meeting room. “I call silly logic – no, wait, nonexistent logic. Ho hum.” Her pencil flew across the notepad again.

“I hope so. Now get over here.”

“THAT’S silly, sir,” Caroline commented, writing another charge: Making the Lich King behave less than regally. EVILLY regal, but still.

Reluctantly, Kaya started to move, one step after another. “Yes, my king.”

“It’s Arthas for you.”

“Arthas calling! Did someone order twenty boxes of tea lights?” Caroline grinned at Veralyn; when her partner didn’t respond (mostly because she didn’t understand the joke), the temporary tauren snorted and grumbled sullenly to herself.

“You heard me.”

Kaya nodded hectically. (And both agents winced as they imagined her momentarily becoming a bobblehead.) “Y-yes, my k– Arthas, I mean.” Aaawkward.

“I do not think hectic means what she thinks it means,” Caroline commented, affecting a pretty decent Inigo Montoya impression.

“Now get over here.”

He pointed next to himself, his facial expression shifted from slightly angry to indifferent again. (“Wouldn’t he be angrier now, and more indifferent two sentences ago?” Caroline tilted her head to the side. Veralyn smirked but said nothing.) You can do this, Kaya. Breathe in. Breathe out. Why do I need to breathe anyw–

“Kaya Bloodgrasp!” Arthas’s voice boomed angrily in the agents’ heads, causing Veralyn to flinch and Caroline to come dangerously close to bowing submissively at an empty hallway. “How, just how by Kel’thuzad’s cat did you survive your training until now?”

Kel’thuzad the Wrath Cadet popped into existence beside Caroline, who promptly grabbed the mini and towed it along as a sudden shriek from inside the teen’s pack shredded the eerie stillness of the Citadel, causing the agents and mini to dive into another Generic Scourge Room before anyone unfriendly could catch them sneaking about.

“Why did you bring that thing?” Veralyn spat, looking ready to try and throttle Kel’thuzad. The Wrath Cadet tilted its head, seeming just a tad wounded by the blood elf’s reaction.

“Mother of all...” Caroline opened a portal into HQ, shoved Kel’thuzad through, and then whipped the still-screeching CAD out of her pack. “Not my problem right now,” she grumbled, watching the CAD’s readout as the screen flashed brilliant red.

[Arthas Menethil aka the Lich King. Undead/human/orc male canonuncanoncanonuncanon WHAT THE HELL AM I BEING POINTED AT GAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaathppppt]

The CAD stopped shrieking, shut off, and then dissolved into a pile of smoldering metal scraps.

“Holy God,” Caroline groaned. “I think that’s a replacement, Ver.”

“Twice?” Veralyn demanded as she gathered the scraps of CAD up and shoved them back into Caroline’s pack. “Twice in as many missions?”

“Upstairs hates us,” Caroline whimpered as she stuck her head out to check the Generic Scourge Hallway for any signs that they’d been heard. The hallway was empty, and remained that way as another time shift rippled through the Citadel, ending with Kaya stepping out into the hallway and touching her oddly pink cheeks.

“Uhm... Ver?” Caroline asked over her shoulder. “Can the undead blush?”

“Not to my knowledge, no,” Veralyn sighed, continuing to pick up searing hot pieces of CAD and cursing when one of the pieces she reached for burned her fingers.

Caroline gave a thoughtful grunt, then started to write down Causing an undead ANYTHING to blush when–

Good thing he isn’t that much into my thoughts any more... Ghouls. Abominations. Kel’thuzad in a speedo.

The mental images Kaya summoned to distract herself ended up popping up in Caroline and Veralyn’s minds as well, resulting in some of the loudest and most colorful screaming likely to have ever been heard within the Citadel as the two agents scrambled for their Bleeprin bottles and swallowed the stuff down as well as they could without anything to drink with it.

“Ohgodohgodohgodohgod WHY?” Caroline wailed, having sprawled flat on her back when the Bleeprin finally kicked in. “Of all the images, why THAT ONE?”

“Let’s get out of here before she makes us imagine Arthas in a speedo,” Veralyn groaned, already sitting up and retrieving the rest of the decimated CAD from the floor.

After taking another moment to compose themselves, the two agents portaled straight into the next chapter, still shuddering from the horror of Kel’Thuzad in a mankini.

Warnings: Silliness, lime and fluffy!Arthas.

Veralyn seemed to choke on her tongue for a moment as the Lich King walked by, seeming rather normal – even right down to the brooding-but-ready-to-jump-into-a-slasher-smile expression he typically wore – but for the fact that his helmet had been replaced by two oversized, bright pink bunny ears that flopped just a bit as he walked.

“It’s the King of the Lich-Bunnies!” Caroline laughed delightedly. “All hail the Lich-Bunny King!”

“Focus, Caroline,” Veralyn ordered as the two were dropped in another Arthas dream.

“Did you see if he had a fluffy tail, too?” Caroline giggled as the dream began.

Veralyn’s answering glare seemed to sear black marks into the teenager’s fur.

“Fine,” Caroline sighed, turning reluctantly to the dream sequence.

“You’re a weird Death Knight, Kaya.”

Before she could react, he grinned, (“If Arthas is grinning, nothing good is about to happen,” Veralyn sighed.) pulled her towards her and cuddled her.

“Now he’s wearing a dress!” Caroline whooped, pointing as Arthas did indeed exchange his civilian attire for a lacy pink dress. Disturbingly enough, he filled the top of the dress out rather well.

“But you are my weird Death Knight.” Once again, pink bunny ears sprouted up on female!Arthas’s head, sending both agents into hysterics as Kaya woke up and had an inner monologue about how strange her dreams were becoming.

Oh man... these dreams are getting weirder and weirder.

“Ya THINK?” Caroline howled as Kaya shook herself, swore never to think of the dream again, and proceeded to get out of bed and into her armor.

“Focus,” Veralyn said again between snickers as Kaya ripped open the door, sending woodchips flying every which way.

Both agents watched on as a green-haired, undead night elf popped up in time to be introduced as Telandra and proceed to have such a rapid-fire conversation with Kaya that Veralyn began to feel slightly dizzy listening to it.

“Kaya.” “Telandra.” “Good day?” Kaya nodded. “Definitely.” She got some distance to the green-haired Death Knight and they started walking towards the training area. Wait... someone’s missing. “Tel... Where’s Marm?” Telandra turned back. “Right there.”

Caroline, in the middle of sticking her tongue out at the Words, nearly bit through her tongue as a ghoul jumped out right in front of her and charged happily over to Telandra.

“Gah,” Caroline grumbled, angrily writing a charge for Bad paragraph formatting and another for Causing an agent to nearly bite her damn tongue off because you’re bad at introducing ghouls.

The agents followed, forced to listen to Telandra and Kaya have a rather inane argument about whether Kaya’s ‘strategy thing’ was fun or fun.

“Stop being suggestive. What are you thinking?” Kaya chuckled, trying to sound natural. Keep calm. “Just making fun of you, Kaya.” Telandra patted Marm on the head before adding: “Or...” Keep your mouth shut Kaya. Calm down. Kaya set up a weird smile. (The smile in question turned out to be a cardboard standalone of Arthas’s slasher smile, which made Caroline start giggling again.) “Now stop it. You know I just need to drop a word in front of the king to get you thrown into the dungeons.”

“Oh, please,” Veralyn scoffed. “The Lich King hangs on your every word now, does he, girl?”

“Well, he is a replacement,” Caroline threw in, more because she was feeling generous than because she felt Kaya needed defending.

After a round of yes-no-yes-no, Telandra walked over to her training group, turning back and pointing her finger at Kaya. “One day I will get you, Kaya Bloodgrasp.” “We’ll see Telandra Plaguemoon.”

“You know, even if we put the dramatic posturing aside, she’s not really a bit, is she?” Caroline asked. “She doesn’t seem to have any more fear or worshipfulness for Arthas than Kaya. And she’s... chipper. Like, really chipper. She might need to die, too.”

“Shall we kill her now, then?” Veralyn asked.

“Nah,” Caroline answered with a shake of her bovine head. “Let’s wait a bit more, see how she evolves.”

Another training session between Kaya and Arthas passed (“Why does he insist on civilian clothing?” Veralyn demanded at one point. “He never takes that armor off!”), and while the agents were able to write down Improbable hair dye and Caring about what color your hair is and how nice you look when you and everyone around you all happen to be undead (after getting tossed to the floor by an unmarked time shift), they quickly grew bored and portaled to what Kaya was calling a meeting but was really another opportunity to be naive and frivolous and get away with it despite Arthas being in the same room.

Suddenly, she felt movement behind her. No sudden movements. No loud thoughts. No more steps. Damn he’s RIGHT BEHIND ME!

“Yes, Kaya.”

GULP! You’re such a moron Kaya. Mo-ron.

“Why, yes! Yes, you are,” Caroline snorted. A twenty-something-ith tally mark was placed next to Dropped commas in her notepad.

Arthas was now standing right behind her, which even increased the mixture of fear and arousal Kaya felt. (“Disgusting,” Veralyn grumbled venomously.) I’m so– wait what’s he doing? His hand brushed her upper arm, as he pointed at a part of the map right in front of her.

Caroline rolled her eyes as she finished adding another tally or two next to Dropped commas, only move to the line under it and write Putting commas where they don’t belong.

“Assuming that you are still in there, you forgot to consider the troops stationed here.”

“Wait, that sounded like a touch of Arthas Snark,” Caroline said, frowning hard at the so-called replacement. “What the hell?”

“A replacement who waxes canon?” Veralyn offered hopefully.

“Or a possession!Sue that’s having a hard time remaining in control of its host,” Caroline muttered, her eyes still fixed on Arthas. “Uhm... crap, I have no idea which it is now...”

Her thoughts were interrupted when his hand came to rest on her stomach and he pushed her towards himself a little. In a moment of thoughtlessness, Kaya relaxed and leaned back, almost grinning like mad. This is the best thing that has ever hap– That thought was interrupted as Arthas tightened his grip around her.

Both agents flinched as Arthas’s expression momentarily flickered with rage before he seemed to lose himself again.

Kaya closed her eyes and rubbed herself against him, only to feel a bulge pressing into her back.

“Well, at least she’s got his height right,” Caroline said with a grimace. “Although, uh... she does realize that all of his body is bigger now that he’s the Lich King... doesn’t she? I mean, his Little Lichy’s probably as big as she is.”

Veralyn glared daggers at her partner, seemingly too revolted to dignify Caroline’s musing with a response.

The last piece of sanity inside her finally said goodbye as Arthas’ hand moved upwards and cupped her breast. THIS. IS SO GOING TO HAPPEN. Kaya didn’t care that he heard her, just as much as she didn’t care for the sound of the death gate he had opened behind them. Without a warning, he pulled them trough and it closed again.

Since Arthas was in stupid civilian clothing, there was no crown to disappear from his head when the giant pink bunny ears materialized again. It was all either agent could do to keep from laughing hysterically as fluffy!Arthas placed Kaya in a water trough and dragged the bundle through a death gate, ostensibly to do with Kaya what any self-respecting rabbit would do with a potential mate.

Veralyn somehow managed to open a portal into the vat of gray nothingness that was supposed to be Arthas’s room, just as Kaya’s hand reached out, and just when it was a few centimeters away from his face, he opened his eyes and glared at her. I’m doomed... Doooom, yes. That’s what awaits me.

“It’s almost like she knows,” Caroline said cheerfully. “Maybe she’s a psychic Sue.”

“No, she’s just Too Dumb To Live,” Veralyn countered sardonically.

After what seemed like an eternity, Arthas rolled around and started dressing.

The two agents quickly found themselves either biting one of her own hands (in Caroline’s case) or sitting down and beating her head firmly against her upraised knees (as Veralyn chose to do) in another attempt to keep from cackling gleefully as the still-bunny-eared Arthas somehow managed to dress himself while rolling back and forth (and showing off a twitching, fluffy bunny tail, much to Caroline’s delight) on the very stupidly large bed he had shared with Kaya, who watched for a moment before picking up clothes too.

Time passed at a somewhat languid pace, and then the foursome were standing at the entrance of the Lich King’s quarters.

“What happened tonight doesn’t bear any significance.”

“It doesn’t matter that I’m undead, clearly I still possess the ability to ge– ow,” Caroline muttered, glowering at Veralyn and rubbing her arm sullenly. “You have bony elbows.”

“You have a twisted sense of humor,” Veralyn remarked as she opened yet another portal. “Let’s go. I don’t care to watch Kaya refuse to believe the Lich King is devoid of emotion.”

This portal dropped them into Telandra’s bedroom, where they were forced to watch as Telandra played the concerned best friend and tried to make Kaya stop acting like a block of undead ice.

“Now what happened, Kaya?” The women sat in Telandra’s room, both still wearing their armor, (“Because Death Knights like to indulge in a little lace when they aren’t slaughtering entire towns.” Caroline rolled her eyes, then grinned when she caught Veralyn trying not to smirk at the image.) while Marm cowered in the corner and ate some human remnants. (“Uhm... charge for confusing ‘remains’ with ‘remnants’, resulting in an agent feeling ready to vomit.” Caroline did indeed seem rather unwell as she wrote the charge down and dutifully ignored the shrieking.) Long story, Tel. Long story. With a hint of sadness in her voice, Kaya told her from (“About,” Veralyn corrected wearily.) that night and how Arthas had reacted. “Ouch... wait. So that’s something serious?” (Caroline clapped a hand over Veralyn’s mouth in time to muffle the blood elf’s indignant shriek.) “Was. If I don’t want to end up as a ghoul, I have to suppress my feelings.” “And you’re doing that by going completely against your nature.” Kaya sighed. “I didn’t say it was easy.” “But...” It’s dangerous, I know. Damn, Tel, I’m glad I’m SITTING right now, or I would just collapse. But Kaya couldn’t say that. Instead she just nodded. “Yeah, I know that.” Telandra then patted her shoulder. “Now go and rest. You look like you need it.”

“Okay, we need to kill Telandra now,” Caroline sighed. “Why anyone would encourage a Death Knight – or anyone, for that matter – to be a hormonal Mary Sue is beyond me.”

“I don’t think it’s her fault,” Veralyn commented as Kaya made to leave the room. “Watch.”

Caroline watched; the instant Kaya had left the room, Telandra shook her head with an irritated snarl and grumbled, “Little git, making me feel sorry for her. Why hasn’t she been gotten rid of yet?”

“Yeah, I can see what you mean,” Caroline said. “It’s the Suefluence. Telandra will probably be nice and broody-bloodthirsty once Kaya’s dead and the real Lich King comes back.”

Yet another portal was opened, and this time the agents were dropped in the Generic Meeting Room where Kaya had once more met up with Arthas for strategy lessons. Or discussions. Whichever.

“It looks like you listened to reason, Kaya.”

“Okay, that sounds like Arthas... sort of.” Caroline winced and exchanged a worried glance with Veralyn. “I’m not sure what disturbs me more: That this possession!Sue can’t fully control the Lich King (whom we have to exorcise), or that I’ve started getting used to hearing that voice in my head.”

“I would say the latter,” Veralyn answered grimly.

“Kaya!”

The bark set both agents on edge for a moment, and it took several seconds for either of them to calm down enough to read the Words again.

Instinctively, she leant onto the table to prevent herself from just collapsing on it. Keep working. Keep– Kaya took a few breaths until her vision was clear again. Thinking everything was right again, Kaya turned her head and looked at Arthas, who seemed to be visibly irritated. This instant, the dizziness returned and she clinged to the table again.

“We have to talk.”

“What, as opposed to you flattening her and feeding her to some ghouls for being the worst Death Knight ever?” Caroline sounded appalled. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but fight harder, Arthas! Kick that Sue wraith out Lich King style!”

“Murder it and turn it into an undead slave?” Veralyn asked scathingly.

“Point.”

Control your thoughts, Kaya. “Kaya Bloodgrasp.”

Kaya was not the only one shocked by the lack of mind-invasion that occurred when Arthas spoke this time; she was just the only one to mentally Wah! about it.

Arthas hadn’t really spoken. It was just that voice in her mind, but there was no echo like before she got to Icecrown Citadel. And that was uncanny. (“And stupid,” Veralyn grumbled, charging for Stupid manipulation of the Lich King’s telepathy while Caroline giggled something about ‘and that’s horrible’.) “I don’t know what you did, but in your current state you’re useless to me.”

“What, you mean being soulless and having no emotions to speak of isn’t what you look for in a Death Knight?” Veralyn asked acidically.

More inane babbling occurred, and then Arthas broke character entirely.

“You’re surpressing your true nature. Upholding this demands a lot of focus and energy. Things you can’t spare.” He stepped closer and glared at her. “I command you to stop this nonsense. Now!”

“Aaaaand portal-time!” Caroline said, gleefully opening a portal to the beginning of chapter five. Both agents stepped through...

Warnings: Fluff! *throws bunnies* Well, relatively speaking... *throws undead bunnies* And an f-word.

...And were immediately beset by an army of undead bunnies that seemed to rain down from the Generic Icecrown Citadel Ceiling. Each bunny wore a miniature version of the Lich King’s armor – complete with a miniature Helm of Domination and mini Frostmourne – and appeared to possess glowing blue eyes.

“What the hell? What the hell?” Caroline beat the undead bunnies off with her notepad, cackling hysterically as some of them started hopping sluggishly towards Veralyn. “What in God’s Name... Where did you all come from, you adorable little undead things?”

Veralyn punted one away and snapped, “They aren’t cute, they’re abominations!” Another lich-bunny landed on her head; the blood elf shrieked, grabbed the rotting bundle, and drop-kicked it away into the gray nothingness of the author’s note.

“This, children, is why you should never mention ‘bunnies’ and ‘undead’ in the same sentence.” Caroline laughed, idly swatting one cackling lich-bunny off her arm and grinning when it tumbled across the ground for several yards, at least. “Aside from the stench and the mini Frostmournes, they’re kind of huggable.”

“Caroline, focus,” Veralyn snapped as the lich-bunnies finally started to hop away. “We need to kill the Sue and exorcise Arthas.”

“Hell, we can do both right now,” Caroline said, cheerfully unsheathing one of the knives Veralyn had loaned her. “I mean, killing a Death Knight that stupid should be pretty easy, and Arthas is once again not wearing the Helm of Domination, so...”

“Right.” Veralyn straightened up, steeling herself as she said, “You kill little Miss Kaya, and then come help me beat the wraith out of Arthas.”

“Remember: The power of Blizzard compels thee,” Caroline recited helpfully. “You abjure fluffy undead things. You abjure Arthas getting a boner.”

“I abjure that very image, thank you so much,” Veralyn grumbled, already drawing The Scourge of Lordaeron out of Caroline’s bag. “Come on, let’s go.”

The next time she got closer to him, he would surely forget about her out-of-the-box thinking and kill her on the spot. Shred her to pieces. Let the blood flow.

“Actually, that’s what I’m going to do, sweetheart.”

Kaya turned in time for Caroline to football-tackle her away from Arthas, giving Veralyn a clear path to the possessed Lich King as the two women landed in a heap on the Generic Saronite Floor. Caroline’s larger size (and Kaya’s lack of any actual skill in the absence of her plotholed runeblade) made pinning the Sue down rather easy.

“Kaya Bloodgrasp,” Caroline began cheerfully, “by my authority as an agent of the PPC, I hereby charge you with the following: With alternately dropping and using too many commas throughout your story; with having piss-poor character description resulting in you taking several chapters to settle into a pale-skinned, faux-redhead; with yet another charge of bad description resulting in your trainer to likely still be fluctuating between being a night elf, blood elf, or high elf; with squeeing in the presence of the Lich King; with making the Lich King use contractions; with confusing ‘stroke’ with ‘struck’; with using ‘hushed’ as a verb, resulting in your trainer being the only member of the Scourge – or any faction, really – to shush the Lich King and not get turned into jelly for it–”

“Hurry up, Caroline!” Veralyn snapped as the now semi-possessed Lich King took a swing at her. “Plate of the Damned or not, he’s still the Lich King and he can still kick my unarmed ass!”

“–With /ignoring the Lich King, with causing Arthas to be fluffy – which is why he has bunny ears – and wear civilian clothes and possess the ability to get a stiffy and boning him like the horny little Sue you are, and likely for a bunch of other things I forgot. You are sentenced to die a stabby death.”

So saying, Caroline embedded her borrowed knives in the Sue’s throat – just in time for Arthas’s left fist to connect with Veralyn’s jaw and send the blood elf flying over the map table.

“Did the wraith come out yet?” Caroline asked as she stood up and fished out the Archive.

“No– Damn!” Veralyn barely managed to get out of the way in time for Arthas to land a double-fisted blow on the map table, which splintered into halves upon impact. “He’s definitely still possessed!”

Caroline charged, kicked the Lich King in the back of his knee (for no real reason; he barely even staggered), and then began beating him viciously about his unprotected head with the Archive.

“BEGONE, foul Sue wraith!” she hollered as Veralyn attempted to keep Arthas’s attention on her rather than her book-wielding partner. “The power of BLIZZARD compels thee! The power of BLIZZARD compels thee! Get thee gone, foul spirit of uncanonical boners! I abjure fluffy Lich Kings! I abjure Arthas having a stiffy for anyone other than Jaina Proudmoore – or even for Jaina Proudmoore now that he’s the Lich King! Get out!”

One more solid whack to the back of Arthas’s head caused him to stagger; a moment later, a pinkish cloud floated out of him and briefly took the shape of a bunny before dissipating into the air.

Caroline was given one second to feel satisfied at the job well done, and then the now very-not-possessed Lich King stood up to his full height and turned to face her.

“And just who are you, tauren?”

The good news was that Arthas’s voice was not in Caroline’s mind anymore; the much, much worse news was that he was speaking directly to her this time.

For a split second, Caroline considered running the hell away – and then she made the suicidally braindead mistake of looking Arthas in the eyes, and felt herself freeze in place. Despair ate away at her as the Lich King continued to stare her down.

Unarmed but for a now terribly battered Archive, Caroline somehow found the strength to squeeze her eyes shut as she waited to die.

*FLASH*

“None of this ever happened,” Veralyn’s voice said somewhat breathlessly.

Caroline risked a peek and saw her partner standing between her and Arthas; the blood elf’s stance was rigid as she continued, “You never sprouted bunny ears or a bunny tail. You never met anyone called Kaya Bloodgrasp, you never slept with anyone called Kaya Bloodgrasp, and you most certainly did not excuse who knows how many weeks of idiocy from anyone called Kaya Bloodgrasp. You also did not just receive a beating from an insane tauren wielding nothing but a very large book. You are going to make a death gate back to wherever you’ve dumped the Plate and Helm, put them on, and forget any of this happened. Now.”

The death gate popped up almost on top of Veralyn and Caroline, who both darted out of the way as Arthas strode through in that egotistical, why-yes-I-am-god-moding-right-now way that made some Warcraft players want to punch and praise him at the same time.

“Veralyn, you ju–” Caroline was not allowed to finish her statement, as Kaya’s corpse was shoved into her arms before Caroline herself was shoved through a portal that opened on one of the high cliffs overlooking the Maelstrom. Veralyn was right behind her partner, and both portals closed seconds before the Generic Meeting Room collapsed on itself.

“Wow, this place is a lot louder than the game makes it seem,” Caroline shouted, raising her voice above the roar of the ever-churning rift in the center of the world. She dropped the Sue unceremoniously, plucked the knives out of her throat, and handed them back to Veralyn. “Mind the blood; you might turn into a Sue if you touch it.”

Veralyn rolled her eye and held both knives out until the swirl of water thrown up from the Maelstrom and kept airborne by the fierce ambient wind had nearabout polished the blades to look like new. This accomplished, she then stowed the weapons in Caroline’s bag.

“Toss that thing in so we can go home,” Veralyn ordered. “It’s soggy here.”

Caroline happily did as she was told, watching interestedly as the body vanished into the churning waters far below their rocky cliff.

“Good thing you didn’t mention Frostmourne,” the teen remarked after a moment. “He keeps that thing in the Halls of Reflection when he’s not out godmoding.”

“I don’t care,” Veralyn snapped. Another portal (number five million, most likely) opened up as she added, “Let’s return those books and get home.”

The Maelstrom churned away behind them until the portal slid shut.

“...A lock of his hair!” Caroline chortled as she staggered back into RC #16 sometime later. The teen still smelled strongly of seawater despite having been returned to her t-shirt-and-jeans-clad human body, and her typically unruly hair appeared to be matted with brine. “Oh, my god, you freaking stalker.”

“Be quiet, human,” Veralyn ordered absently. She, too, smelled and looked like she’d just taken a dip in the Forbidding Sea. “Besides, I saw you sneaking out of the Grand Magister’s quarters. What did you grab, hm?”

“Pictures. With my camera. Which you stole,” Caroline added pointedly. Then she sighed and said, “Rommath has such lovely furniture...”

“You took pictures of furniture.”

“Well, Rommath wasn’t in his rooms at the time,” Caroline explained logically. “And if he had been, I would have had to turn the flash off so he didn’t turn me into a sheep or set me on fire or sommat.”

Veralyn shook her head–

–And got a face full of dragonhawk as Firebrand attempted to latch onto his master’s head, probably as a way of hugging her without any actual limbs.

“Down, Firebrand, down!” Veralyn laughed. “I’m fine, you silly creature. I’m fine.”

Firebrand let go of her head, but wrapped himself firmly about her shoulders and refused to move as she sat down on her bed, watching as Caroline moved a still-poison-joke-clothed Flutteryshy off of her pillow and flopped down on her mattress.

The second she did so, she flinched, sat up again, and grabbed a blue-toned box from under the blanket she had neglected to move out of the way before. She stared at the cover of the box for all of two seconds, then sighed heavily and dropped it on the floor as though it had greatly disappointed her.

“Uhm... so apparently we didn’t actually need to borrow books from Silvermoon,” the human explained as Veralyn frowned at the face-down box. “I had Lich King-related stuff in here after all.”

“What is that?” Veralyn asked, still eyeing the box. Firebrand hissed at it and seemed to tighten about his master’s shoulders a bit.

“It’s the DVD case the Wrath of the Lich King expansion comes in,” Caroline said, kicking the box over so the cover was fully visible.

An instant later Caroline managed to kick the box out of the way just in time for one of Veralyn’s knives to become embedded in floor rather than the case.

“Keep it out of my sight,” the blood elf warned coldly. “One Lich King is enough for me.”

“Point taken,” Caroline said, grabbing the box and moving to shove it into her overhead cupboard.

The second she slid the door open, an explosion of confetti and tennis ball ‘vampire’ bats – the likes of which can be bought at any Halloween-themed store – flew out at her, knocking her off her bed and onto the floor. Flutteryshy cackled as it peeked out from the now-empty cupboard and grinned at Veralyn’s wide-eyed expression.

“YOU LITTLE PAIN IN MY BEHIND!” Caroline roared, jumping up and trying to grab Flutteryshy. “Now I have confetti in my hair! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THIS’LL TAKE TO GET OUT WITH THE SALT HELPING IT STICK?”

Firebrand traded and weary glance with Veralyn as chaos predictably ensued, punctuated by Caroline’s top-of-the-lungs threats to turn Flutteryshy into stew, a hat, or a scarf, depending on which piece of furniture she ran into.

The human girl could be very loud for someone who claimed to be shy.

–END–

[KittyNoodles’s Note: Yay, a Warcraft mission! A massive thankies and huggle to EllipsisFlood for asking me to spork her fic and beta-ing my story while it was in the draft stages. And thankies and huggles to LilacLielac, Riese, SpecstacularSC for beta-ing during the beta stage! -huggles-

I’m not sure why, but there is something very funny about the image of Arthas – whether in civilian attire or the Plate of the Damned – getting beaten over the head with a book by a screaming PPC agent. Might be something to do with him being the Lich King.

For those who don’t know, poison joke is a flower native to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It’s like poison oak, only instead of giving you a rash, it plays jokes on you – usually jokes involving something you’re rather proud of. For example, it made Fluttershy’s sweet singer’s voice deep and ‘crisp and clean’ sounding and inverted Rainbow Dash’s wings (much like what Flutteryshy did in ‘Lighting Strikes’).

Veralyn is a stalker. It’s official. She has thirty-four pictures of Lor’themar walking around Sunfury Spire (or trying to get a look at whatever kept flashing bright white lights at him) and a lock of his hair. She may need to undergo the No-Drool Tapes...

On that note, Ellipsis and I are both fairly certain that Kel’Thuzad in a speedo is one of the things featured on those tapes. If you aren’t sure why this is horrifying, go look some pictures of him up. You’ll be looking for lich!Kel, not human!Kel.

You’re welcome.]