By WarriorJoe
Technician Zerenze is borrowed from HerrWozzeck with permission. Narcolepsy and James Fairchild belong to me. Makes-Things and the PPC are the creation of Jay and Acacia, and if this bit of work can help improve that in any way then I’ll consider my job well more than done.
= = =
“You know,” Narcolepsy muttered, “I thought this would be the last job in the world I’d ever be bored at.”
Across the bier in the Blast Chamber, James just shrugged, pushing part of his stack of puzzle books towards his partner. “Crossword?”
“Eh, I’m not on the up enough.” Narc spun a few times in his chair; for once in the room’s life, it was utterly spotless, with everything in place on the shelves. “By the PATRICIANS, isn’t there anything for us to do?”
Someone knocked on the door, and he jumped up from his chair, grinning. “Yesss, thank you Ironic Overpower!” Striding across the room, he flung the door open wide, to reveal Zerenze standing there holding four of the things any DoSAT tech dreaded most, and his grin vanished. “Oh, go to HELL, Ironic Overpower!”
“Well, I’m glad you’re so happy to see me,” the Sangheli technician snarked, setting the four Analysis Devices down on the bier.
Narcolepsy turned his head, dramatically shielding his eyes from the devices. “No more, never again! I swore I’d never touch another one of those things after I spent my first three months doing nothing but fixing broken ones!”
“We’re not fixing these, they’re perfectly intact,” Zerenze replied, handing him a sheaf of papers. “Since we’re not doing much with no new tech being required, the Fireweed has assigned us the job of cataloging the capability of the Combined CAD and its older counterparts.”
Narc peeped through his fingers, taking the papers. “Wait, what? We don’t already have that on file?”
“Nope.” Zerenze pulled up a stool, seating himself next to the bier. James had set down the crossword book, and though he said nothing was paying close attention as the Elite talked. “There was never a standard Combined CAD made. A prototype--this thing--” he tapped the largest of the four devices-- “Was given to the SIELU for field testing, but since it was never put into production, it doesn’t have a template on file. The DOGA’s model was independently developed, and they aren’t giving up their work notes.”
James nodded. “So?”
Zerenze did his best to smile, not exactly easy with mandibles. “So, between Makes-Things, the Hornbeam, and the Fireweed, nobody in our command structure is happy with DoSAT not being in control of the design of something so common in the PPC. We’ve basically been ordered to design a new Combined CAD, or appropriate one of the existing ones, and make it standard.”
James grinned. “Which is exactly what we’re good at.”
“That it is, that it is.” Narcolepsy flipped through the stack of papers, a wide smile taking over his face. “Congratulations, Zerenze, you’ve found the one thing that can get me to touch any sort of CAD again.” He flipped the stack closed, setting it aside. “Alright, let’s start preparations.”
= = =
Narcolepsy worked the old jack, hoisting what was left of a ratty armchair to stool-height. It had belonged to Fritz and Silas before they’d eviscerated their room back on that Christmas and gone into Long Therapy--and though it had lost most of its back, the seat and arms were still serviceable.
It worked best for long projects. Hopping up onto the broad seat, Narc nodded to his compatriots, and flicked on the tape recorder.
“This is an audio recording for the records of the A/V Department, date, uh...” He rubbed his forehead. “All I can remember is it’s 2011. July, say. July 2011.” Though the recorder couldn’t see it, he nodded across the bier at the other two techs, perched on the room’s remaining stools. “This is Technician Second Class Narcolepsy, senior member of the Testing and Application Division of the Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology. Assisting me are Technician Third Class James Fairchild and Technician Third Class Zerenze. And tonight...” He grinned, rubbing his hands together. “We gonna make ourselves a Combined CAD.”
He hovered one hand over the selection of tools spread across the bier, twiddling his fingers as he talked. “The Combined CAD was first pioneered by Makes-Things as the prototype Two-In-One assembly, though the original documents to this have come into the possession of the SIELU and are not being returned, because they can’t find them. In addition, Agents of the Department of Geographical Aberrations created their own modified Canon Analysis Device, combining a number of features found in no other CAD.” His hand finally found the tool he’d been searching for--the screwdriver with the Lucite handle. “The original devices used in both are the Canon Analysis Device and the Character Analysis Device, and their development dates back to the turn of the millennium. Very little has been done to alter them since.” He flipped the screwdriver idly as he finished. “I’ve been furnished with examples of all four devices, and I understand that I’m to return them all in roughly the same condition I got them.”
Zerenze snorted. “Clearly they aren’t familiar with how you work.”
“I resent that, Z.” Narc replied, pulling the Character Analysis Device away from the pile on the left corner. “Though I don’t deny it. Anyway, the Character Analysis Device as it stands dates back to the Y2K Redesign sweep. It’s, uh...” He rubbed his chin. “Well, appearance and even size varies a lot thanks to years of refurbishment and modification. The one I have in front of me is about the size of a box of spaghetti noodles, and similar shape. The case is made of green-grey plastic, high durability stuff. The data feedback screen is mounted lengthwise along the top, with the speaker underneath it and a couple of buttons after that. Power, mute, screen backlight, active scan/passive scan toggle. There’s a red half-dome light on the “front”, over the active sensor array, that lights when a scan is complete. Overall, a fairly simple piece of tech to use.”
He flipped it on its side, taking the screws out. “The Character Analysis Device is a fairly specialized piece of equipment; it takes readings on characters and ascertains--”
James cut him off, smirking. “Ascertains?”
Narc looked up, leaning on one elbow and looking quite contrite. “Okay, determines.” He returned to his work. “It determines whether they belong in the current Word-World or not, and their status--which is to say, how Sue-ish they are or not. This is why it’s not recommended to use a Character Analysis Device on canons--it WILL ping Sue positive on Canon Sues, which leads to unnecessary headaches.” He pulled out the final screw, and set to prising the back off with a thin prybar. “The... problem... is... ah.” The back popped off, and he grimaced. “Well, there’s a problem.”
He flipped the CAD over, showing it off, and both technicians grimaced. “Yikes, that wiring looks TERRIBLE,” Zerenze said.
“It’s worse than it looks,” Narc muttered, selecting a pair of wire cutters. “Anyway, Makes-Things’ designs are fairly streamlined at the start, but given that every Character Analysis Device in use today has been repaired and reupholstered about forty times...” He started clipping away, aiming for the guts of the machine. “You wind up with rats-nests of electronics like this. Which is partially why the things keep exploding.”
James scooted his stool closer to the recorder. “I bet I know the rest of why. This design is ten years old, right? So the electronics inside...”
“Look like they belong in a museum,” Narc finished, overturning the box and shaking the last bits of wire out of it. He brought it back to the light, and stared. “Oh, wow, look at THAT.”
James smirked. “Right on the money.” Zerenze leaned in for a look and just winced.
“It’s getting to be dangerously routine, you and your accurate guesses.” Narc pulled a small digital camera from his pocket, and snapped shots of the bare insides of the CAD. “The CAD was designed to duplicate the effects of simply training Agents to be absolute encyclopediae on a single canon, so that Agents could work a wider variety of missions. The problem is that that requires a lot of memory, and a lot of loading in short timespans--which generates tons of heat. And the tech inside it is ooold.” He set the camera down. “Attached snapshots, numbered 1, 2, 3. Memory banks, main analysis board, sensor array. In order to keep the CAD from being the size of an Apple IIc, the chips and wiring are absolutely CRAMMED into the thing. The device just doesn’t have any room to breathe when it starts getting stress-tested.”
“Which is why it tends to go off like a plasma grenade.” Zerenze shook his head. “So, basically, it just needs an upgrade?”
Narcolepsy nodded, offering up his favorite phrase. “Yes and no. Upgrades to the tech won’t make it that much more resistant to extreme doses of bad canon, but we can use the miracle of miniaturization to spread out the parts so in the future the things die quietly instead of going off like bombs. Which is what I’m recommending, Mr. Tape Recorder.” He passed it to Zerenze, who picked a coil of insulated copper wire off one of the shelves as he reached for the other CAD. “And that doesn’t mean we’re going to stop trying. Technician Zerenze is going to rewire the CAD while we move on...”
Wasting no time, Narc returned to the screwdriver, working and talking at high speed. “Alright, the Canon Analysis Device is similar to the Character Analysis Device in function, but not in look. It’s much wider and thicker, though not as long, and is this hideous burnt orange color. Casing is made of the same sort of plastic. The screen is mounted to be read horizontally instead of vertically, though it doesn’t have the blinks-red function that a Character AD does when it pings a Sue. Besides that there’s a light on top, a speaker for purposes of annoying Agents, and the usual array of buttons.”
He tapped the buttons on the front with a free hand. “Mute, backlight, active scan/passive scan... the power switch is all the way over here for--oops.”
The CAD flickered on, and after a brief moment of ellipses printed on the screen: I’M SCARED, DAVE. WILL I DREAM?
The other technicians snickered. Narc just looked annoyed. “Har har. You’re going to be better than fine when I’m done if your guts look like that Character AD.” He leaned over to the recorder. “For the record, some of the oldest Canon ADs have begun displaying signs of sentience, though limited.” He rapped on the case, and THAT WAS SO FUNNY I FORGOT TO LAUGH flashed across the screen.
He returned to his work, switching the CAD off. “The Canon AD performs a similar function to the Character, but not quite--it uses a battery of software designed to simulate Sue Litmus Tests as well as limited canon input information to judge how far out of character canons are. It can also pick up canon replacements, but any kind of original character--badly written or not--will be pinged as out of place and recommended for termination, which is why the Character AD exists.” He pulled out the final screw and prised the back off, picking up the wire-cutters and going to work. “Well, that doesn’t look as nasty as the other one. The larger size of the Canon AD is due to the inclusion of the Litmus Module and the wider array of sensor banks needed to judge OOCness. Its active sensor bank alone is about three times the size of the Character AD’s. Memory banks are supposedly smaller, yet only the Canon AD has ever shown serious signs of intelligence after long-term use, to my knowledge.”
He dumped out the cut wires, spraying down the inside with canned air before picking the camera back up. “Attached snapshots, numbered 4, 5... 6...” He undid another screw, gently bending a panel out of the way and snapping a quick shot before lowering it back down. “7. Memory banks, main analysis grid, Litmus module, sensor array. The Litmus module is possibly the most densely packed piece of electronics I’ve EVER seen, which is why it overloads so much and why we’re repairing CADs more often than any other piece of equipment. It has a nasty tendency to go off like a bomb.”
Passing the CAD over to James, he stretched, cracking his knuckles. “Recommendation is the same as with the Character Analysis Device. Either phase out the existing Canon AD in favor of a new combined model, or at LEAST miniaturize and spread out the internal hardware. That should help solve the overheating and exploding issues, or at least let them die quietly so that we CAN fix the things instead of melting down the shrapnel to stamp out new ones.”
Zerenze gave him a worried look, setting down his soldering iron. “Do you have the kind of clout to make that sort of policy change?”
“No, Z, but that’s why it’s a suggestion.” Narcolepsy pulled the other two devices towards him, picking one up and taking a few photos but not actually trying to open it. “The existing combined devices have a little bit of history to them. The Two-in-One CAD is exactly what it says on the tin--a Character and a Canon Analysis Device smushed together with a mixed readout. There was only one made, an experimental model for the Special Interdepartmental Elven Languages Unit, and it’s not hard to see why.”
He set the big device down, resting his chin on his hands and staring at it as he talked. “Though the Two-in-One precludes carrying two devices around, making it ideal for single-Agent work, it’s actually larger than the two devices combined--easily the size of a full-capability laptop. It also lacks the speaker system. I’m tempted to look inside it, see where all that extra space is going, but as mentioned this is the only one of its kind. I’d get chewed into next year by both Makes-Things AND Agent Lambda.”
He picked up the other device, taking more photos. “As for THIS... the Department of Geographical Aberrations developed its own equipment, taking a standard Canon Analysis Device and turning it into a Frankenstein’s Monster.” He tapped at the module bolted to the left side. “The DOGA CAD features a big, bulky addition which contains--among other things--a two-way KI communicator and a tense stabilizer. The latter was invented in 2005 and was scheduled to be released as an independent piece of tech, but for one reason or another that never happened.” He smirked. “It also purportedly provides suggestions on what to do with a Mary Sue, but I suspect that’s just another case of CAD sentience.” He set the device down. “The module has proven fairly popular, though not nearly as widespread as the basic design, and various departments like the Special Ops Division have gotten their hands on copies. However, it’s not without its flaws. The module is known to be somewhat fragile, and additionally can conflict with the CAD’s basic programming, leading to the whole shebang locking up. Never a good thing midmission.”
Moving the devices out of the way, Narc swung his feet up onto the bier and leaned against what remained of the armchair’s backrest, hands behind his head. “So. Final analysis is that none of the four options existing today are really satisfactory. The Two-in-One is too large, the DOGA model is too unstable, and the separate devices are just too old. With how often we have to fix the things nowadays it’s no wonder some Agents are saying we ship broken tech as a force of habit.” He stared at the ceiling. “Recommendation to the Head Technician and the Department Head is the development of a new device--call it the Combined Content Analysis Device. With modern circuitry and a slightly larger casing than the existing Canon AD, a model could be designed that would be more resistant to breakdown and certainly less prone to going off like a bomb when faced with anticanon overload.” He looked down at his partners to find them both staring at him. “Well, it’s a good idea, right?”
Zerenze nodded. “A possible suggestion would be to scrounge far-future canons for higher-resistance polymers for the casing and internal supports--that way, even if the device suffers a critical overload, the explosion would be contained inside the casing instead of harming the Agents.”
James nodded. “Or even near-future, or retro-future. Build them out of Fallout tech, maybe.”
“I’m mostly concerned with breakdowns harming the tech, not the Agents, if I’m honest,” Narc replied. “If only because I have to fix the tech and Fitzgerald handles fixing the Agents. A very good idea nonetheless, though.” He spun his head. “James?”
The caveman grinned that too-perfect smile. “Make it yellow.”
“Pardon?”
“Think like an Agent, Narc.” James leaned on the bier. “What you’re describing is a rounded rectangle about the size of a large book--about the exact same size as a Hitchhiker’s Guide, if I remember correctly.” He waved his free hand in the air. “So, psychologically, make it look like the Guide. People are protective of those things because they’re useful, whereas Agents seem to treat CADs as expendable. Paint it a soothing color, like yellow or light blue... maybe even write DON’T PANIC on the back.”
“I doubt we can get away with that,” Narc replied. “We don’t need Aldebaranian lawyers on our butts. But I do like the idea of playing the psych game.” He swung his feet down. “Additional suggestions--besides dyeing the plastic a less disgusting color, we should try to Duplicate and disperse these VERY slowly. Make it seem like they’re rare, like it’s an honor to be given one, and above all, that if you break it you’re not getting another.” He pulled a roll of blueprint paper off one of the shelves, laying it out on the bier and shuffling the tools out of the way. “We’re laying out a potential design for this, and will forward that to Makes-Things for review and recommendation when it’s done. End recording.”
He clicked off the tape recorder, and stood up as the other technicians moved their stools around the bier. “All right, boys...” He kicked the jack backwards, dropping the armchair unceremoniously to the floor, and stretching his back like a cat. When his eyes dropped back to the blank blueprint, they were glowing fit to match his smile. “Let’s make history.”
And at that, the T&A Division went to work.
= = =
Combined Content Analysis Device
Mark I design, Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology
Contributing technicians: Narcolepsy, James Fairchild, Zerenze
The Mark I Combined CAD is designed to replicate and add to the functions of the currently-in service Mark III Canon Analysis Device and Mark IV Character Analysis Device, in one combined-ops package. It also contains a couple of new features, either lifted from independent mixed models or newly incorporated.
Approximately the size of a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and colored soft yellow, the Combined CAD is designed to be an Agent’s best friend, instead of just a disposable tool. Hopefully, this will mean they’ll break less of them. It features a large screen with an optional backlight for use in dark conditions, and a mixed-readout format that can handle anything from canons, to Sues, to canon Sues, and everything in between.
Readout Format: Name, Race and Gender, Role, Condition, Recommendation.
Example Readouts:
[Aragorn son of Arathorn. Human male. LotR Canon: King of Gondor. 33.3% OOC. Get the Sue away from him.]
[Frodo Baggins. Hobbit male. LotR Canon: Ringbearer. 66.6% OOC: CHARACTER RUPTURE. Take immediate action.]
[“Legolas”. Elf male. LotR Canon: Walker. Replacement character. Kill the spare.]
[Dirk Pitt. Human Male. Cusslerverse Canon: NUMA marine engineer. 10.5% OOC. Warning: Canon Sue, vulnerable to Suefluence. Danger, Will Robinson, danger!]
[Laurel. Human female. Original character. Mary Sue. Kill immediately.]
[Geoff. Human male. Original character. Bit part. Your call, sir.]
Beyond the basic functions, the Combined CAD can also perform tasks such as analyzing general reality and continuum breakdown rates (important for certain Departments) and creating local bubbles of tense stability for Agents working in fics which can’t decide when they want to happen. Adding additional functionality is possible but not recommended, as it might throw off the system and cause lockup.
But by far the biggest feature of the new CAD is its reliability. Thanks to the use of modern and even far-future technology in its construction, the Combined CAD disperses heat nearly twice as well as its predecessors, and in worst-case scenarios should quietly burn out instead of exploding and doing extreme damage to both Agent and technology.
This design presented with the utmost humility by the Testing and Applications Division to DoSAT Upstairs for consideration.
-Narcolepsy, Technician Second Class