Of Farms and Fables play [excerpt]
First draft: 22. March, 2010
Written by Cory Tamler
CHILD
Chapter Seven: How the Cow Got Her Spots.
(Just another day in kindergarten. The CHILD stands up in front of the class, finishing up with Show and Tell.)
My mom showed me how to cut out the spots. She said it’s okay if they’re not all the same shape cause cows have different shape spots. The udders is the part where the milk comes out. We made the udders out of a glove. That’s good cause a glove is kind of shaped like udders and also hands go inside of gloves and hands are used to milk a cow. Once we finished making the cow I named her Daisy and me and my mom wrote a biography for Daisy. Daisy’s birthday is April 2. Her favorite thing to eat is daisies and that’s why she got her name. She has two babies already and first the babies drank her milk and then she taught them how to eat hay and grass so that humans could have her milk again. Daisy is a very beautiful cow. She always wins first place at the dairy shows because she is so beautiful and nice. But she is not vain. Vain means you know that you are beautiful and act mean to other people because of it. Daisy is not at all vain. She is best friends with all the other cows. They tell her all their secrets and let her babysit their babies. Thank you.
TEACHER
That was a lovely job. Sidney Martin, your turn.
SIDNEY
I wanted to show and tell about my family because they are special. Like my dad says we have been living and farming in Maine for as many generations as Snow White had dwarves. That means seven. My dad helped me make this PowerPoint. So, I’ll just show you the pictures of them, and explain it and stuff. Here’s the first one.
(The “PowerPoint” is actually ensemble members. Like that classic improv game: when SIDNEY clicks forward, the figures change positions, freeze, and SIDNEY explains what they’re doing in the new slide.)
This is my dad. He is fixing the old tractor. My dad can fix anything. Except the new tractor. It’s got all kinds of computers in it and my dad says they’re real good – the new tractors – only they make them so’s you can’t fix them yourself. Anyway that one there is the old one.
(Next slide.)
Okay, this when my Grandpa was still alive. Me and my dad and Grandma and Grandpa were driving to the Fryeburg Fair. We were going to see my cousin who is in 4H and he was competing in the dairy show there. I was still too little to be in 4H. I was only two and one-fourth years old. It’s not that cold yet but my Grandpa is wearing a scarf that my Grandma and me made for him together. I picked out the colors.
(Next slide.)
This is my Dad’s fortieth birthday. We took him to Dunkin Donuts and put a candle on all his donuts because Dunkin Donuts is his favorite.
(Next slide.)
This is Grandpa planting corn. My dad says that the corn was always his special thing with Grandpa. Grandpa used to do it all alone, all the planting and harvesting, and nobody else could help. But when my dad got old enough Grandpa let him help and then they always did it together, until Grandpa died. And then I got to start helping Dad with the corn. But Grandpa’s corn was the best corn. It was sweeter than cotton candy.
(Next slide.)
This is me and my Aunt Lily feeding the chickens. The chickens are still really little – they’re only a week old. I think my Aunt Lily is the most beautiful person I ever saw.
(Next slide.)
This is Aunt Lily and that’s Uncle Walker. He is the newest member of the family. He doesn’t talk so much because he says my dad makes him nervous but he can play guitar really good.
(Next slide.)
This is me teaching Uncle Walker how to harvest potatoes. It’s not so easy.
(Next slide.)
This is one time when the chickens got out – they’re bigger now, see? Me and Aunt Lily and Uncle Walker are chasing them. I caught five, Aunt Lily caught seventeen, and Uncle Walker caught two.
(Next slide.)
This is my dad shooting at crows in the corn. He’s the best shot in the world. Next year he’s going to teach me to shoot the damn crows. Sorry.
(Next slide.)
This is me with one of my cousins who was visiting. We’re playing hide and seek in the hay that’s all stacked up in the barn. My cousin makes it really fun by saying that also the ground is red hot lava and so we can’t touch it ever and we have to jump around on the hay, which is safe.
(Next slide.)
This is Dad and Aunt Lily processing chickens. Uncle Walker is just watching because he doesn’t know how yet. Grandma and me aren’t in the picture because we’re in the kitchen getting a stuffing ready for our first own chicken of the year –
CHILD
That’s terrible!
SIDNEY
What?
CHILD
They’re killing them! They’re killing the poor chickens!
TEACHER
All right, everybody.
CHILD
They’re murdering them! It’s bad to kill animals!
TEACHER
Now, now. They’re going to eat them. Like when we have chicken nuggets at lunch.
CHILD
My mom is vegetarian and so am I.
TEACHER
Go ahead, Sidney.
CHILD
You murder chickens.
TEACHER
That’s. Enough.
(Beat.)
Please keep going, Sidney, you’re doing a very nice job.
Pause.
SIDNEY
This is me and my dad checking the temperature of the compost pile.
CHILD
(Quietly enough that the TEACHER doesn’t hear.)
That’s why you always smell.
SIDNEY
And this is my whole family in the dining room. My cousins who live in LA came to visit and also the ones who live in Waterville and also my aunt who lives in Vermont because it’s Thanksgiving and they try to come to the farm every Thanksgiving cause my dad and aunts and uncles all grew up there together. We had a ginormous turkey –
CHILD
Did your dad kill the turkey too?
SIDNEY
My grandma did. She’s always in charge of the turkey. She cooks the best turkey you ever had.
[End of excerpt. Come to our first public reading at SPACE Gallery in Portland, ME on April 14 to hear the rest!]