Several years ago, despite my best intentions (and initial success, particularly

around the time of my induced PCE which I wrote in to the list about in early

2006), I could not apply actualism beyond a certain point. Several things seemed

to stand in the way:

1- I felt truly and unexpectedly horrible from time to time, for unclear

reasons.

2- Sometimes, I could tell I was over-complicating the actualist instructions

and making their application difficult for myself. The irony was that I could

see that something of this nature was happening and recurring, yet could not

stop doing it.

3- I didn't understand, deeply and experientially, how 'I' am 'my feelings' and

'my feelings' are 'me'. This seemed a crucial point, but there was this echo

effect between thinker and feeler that kept 'me' (the thinker) at bay from 'his

feelings'. Whittling away at 'my' social identity as best I knew how was not

solving this problem, which I thought was because of point 2, above, which I

kept running into.

Then point 1 was explained to me in spiritual terms, as being the Dark Night of

the Soul (or in a Buddhist context, the Knowledges of Suffering) which is

inevitably brought about by progressing past a certain point in spiritual

development and practice, which I had already done at that point. I started

paying attention to how I was really experiencing the discomfort, and found that

it lined up with the explanations I'd been given well. The waves of discomfort,

ranging from anxiety to agony, did tend to follow closely after ecstatic

experience, even in dreams, were temporary (though it certainly wouldn't feel

like it while going through it), and were unrelated to the surrounding

circumstances.

Because these were spiritual problems (problems of a feeling being), I then

suspected that the trouble of point 2 (over-complicating matters) was caused by

point 3 (and not vice versa as I'd been assuming). I concluded I should figure

out how 'I' am 'my feelings' and 'my feelings' are 'me'. Knowing what a PCE is

from my own experience, knowing what felicitous feelings are, both as

experiences in and of themselves as well as a road to pure consciousness, and

having the precedent Richard set when he proved that it was possible (even

though he said harder) to go from an ego-dissolved state to actual freedom, I

set out to do the same; I was going to really bust ass and get enlightened so

that the thinker (sense of separate self) would be out of the way, and this

dualistic riddle of sorts my mind was caught in would be solved, freeing the

energy that was currently going into maintaining it for other purposes. I

recognised the potential danger that the energy thus freed would be

automatically reassigned to the instinctual commitment to survival (and on top

of that, self-aggrandisement). However, I felt safe in taking this risk because

I know myself to be genuinely committed to being happy and harmless, as best as

I know how, as best I can here and now.. and because of the warnings I've

received about the perils of enlightenment, mostly on the AF site but also from

the more honest and open spiritual communities I've come across, as well as what

I've witnessed in their effect on enlightened humans. And, I expected what I had

already discovered about the difference between good feelings and feeling

good/feeling felicitous to maintain the integrity of the journey in the long

run, so knowing thus, I set out.

Long spiritual story short, I took the Theravadan Buddhist approach I was

already familiar with and did vipassana. I put in a heroic amount of effort in a

period spanning months, then took a do-or-die (I am not using these words

lightly, as it really did feel that way, especially toward the end), nirvana or

bust approach for a couple weeks, dedicating every single second of my waking

life to pursuing a continuous understanding of how everything is a fleeting

experience, how nothing that arises lasts, and that everything that ceases,

ceases instantaneously. Finally, I arrived to what such experiential cessation

and utter discontinuity implies, which is that the 'real world' doesn't exist,

whereas This, the That-which-is-the-Ground-of-Existence does (the spiritual

thing about going beyond existence and non-existence). Seeing it so clearly and

directly, the thinker took a hard hit and buggered off. There was a blankness,

then sense of something being done, for a while. Then, slowly a huge bliss wave

crept in. I felt it, *as it*, as well as the innate temptation to solidify as a

new identity as Everything.. and awareness of that instinctual response stopped

it right in its tracks. Meanwhile, the 'thinker' did not return. And so also

disappeared a tremendous amount of mind noise.

In the months that followed, I explored the territory that had opened up.

Psychic phenomena, ease moving through the cycles (distinct recurring modes of

experience defined by their perceptual thresholds, a common feature of mystical

practice), an amount of perceptual (like actually being able to hold my eye

still to see more clearly, power that had been previously unavailable, were now

available. Deeper explorations into what seemed to be the

Everything-behind-reality, the Emptiness itself, led to the realisation, again

and again, that these experiences were imaginary. The only thing that made sense

to do was be attentive to sensuous experience, which was now leading,

invariably, to glimpses of apperception. The further I went, the more obvious

and simple it became that this was the way I wished to go. I thought to myself

from time to time, 'If only I had known this from the very beginning.' But yet,

I couldn't have known, despite 'my' best efforts, for, to use Richard's analogy

from sometime back, 'I' was that arrogant captain of the ship, trying, in vain,

to steer something beyond 'his' control. And I just didn't know how to, nor even

know how to stop doing it! Now that 'I' knew, experientially, that 'I',

'myself', *am* these very feelings that 'I' was trying to catch hold of, the job

became so. much. simpler.

Then, I went for a walk very early one morning, spontaneously and unexpectedly.

I upped and threw on a heavy jacket, as it was then still quite cold outside,

slipped into my shoes, and set out the door, down the staircase. I tromped out

from my building, across a road, with no destination in mind, and set foot onto

a grassy field that led to a city park. It was then, while walking through this

field, that I noticed the thousands of glimmering dewdrops frozen onto

individual blades of grass coming to life. The winter trees were firm, their

twigs and branches zig-zagging like cracks, framing the now-lightening sky, in

such a natural and elegant way. The hues of the faded colours of the old bricks

buildings before me stood out, their artistry becoming apparent, and the

man-made world was right where it belonged. My pace seemed to quicken slightly,

the stride of my legs became effortless, and feeling the full weight of my body

as it sprung through the motions, I walked right into the biggest PCE of my

life. It lasted 5 or 6 hours, ocasionally fading from time to time into

excellence, but hey, all the better, as that just made it even more clear how to

get back to it, from felicity to purity, naivete to innocence. The line I often

read on the AF site, 'But refrain from possessing it and making it your own ...

or else `twill vanish as softly as it appeared', kept coming to mind and was the

biggest clue. When 'I' was already that close to abeyance, all 'I' had to do was

remember that.

The infinitude of the universe was so clearly apparent then, as it was that now

is the only moment there ever has been. The character of this world is so

completely unassumingly friendly, that nothing could ever go wrong, and in light

of such evident benignity, it is such a joke, such a comedy, to consider that it

could ever have been seen another way, as either good or evil, or divine.

Walking, alone, as I was, it was clear to me that 'alone' as such did not exist

- I am these senses that are this world, as is everyone else, and we are all

here together in this world, as the universe itself. The infinitude is the

eternal is the benignity is the security is the peace is the freedom is the

universe itself.

After that experience, it became not hard to get out of the way, and doing so

became automatic much of the time.. to the point now where apperception is the

case also much of the time. I spend a large amount of my day fading/switching in

and out in worlds that are truly delightful; either actual or pretty darn close,

from where actuality is a close memory and very real possibility right here and

now and then ..pop!, actual again, and then fade. Over and over, much of the

day.

Then, a few months after this, just one month ago in fact, my spiritual journey

came to an end in an unprecedented (in my experience) way. It had been winding

down, since the recent PCE, which served to remind me of how immediately

accessible pure intent, and thus the clear road to pure consciousness, was ...

and since what I had learnt from experiencing ego-dissolution that while ago

(that 'I' am 'my feelings' and 'my feelings' are 'me'), which allowed me to

understand, in real time, just how accessible said intent always is. So long as

'I' am, so it (pure intent) also is. My spiritual inclinations - the sense that

there was something to look for or some humanity to save (I very quickly

understood the latter to be a natural sublimation of the same urge) - wound down

until they just kind of, rather uneventfully, fizzled out.

This was tremendously liberating, in a very down-to-earth concrete way. However,

I wouldn't class my life as a 'virtual freedom' just yet, as occasionally things

do upset me, I am afraid of some things, and nurture and desire do arise. Yet,

all these things do seem like less of a big deal than before, while at the same

time, my interest in investigating them has not diminished any (I have not

become apathetic). What is clear is that a virtual freedom seems guaranteed at

this point, and it is just a matter of time before 90% becomes 95% becomes 99%.

When I wake up to perfection, and fall asleep to perfection, having only 'lost'

a minute or so of my day in total to some turmoil or conflict, and am doing this

day after day, I will say so. Now that, in my mind, is a high standard.. but a

realistic one, and one worth reaching!

Well, that was quite long enough. I wrote in to share my own experience, with

what I have done with the wealth of knowledge and information that the AF Trust

has made available and that the contributors to the old AF list have discussed,

debated, and attempted to implement for themselves. What you make of it is, of

course, up to you, and I'm not trying to convince anyone here of anything,

including that others should make the spiritual journey that I have (in before

someone accuses me of it). I can only speak for myself when I say that the path

i took, and the dedication with which I set into it, has paid off, and in

spades. It was a risk, and one I'm completely glad I took.