Title: Dancing With Wolves

Author: TheHappyGriffin

Fandom: Stargate SG-1

Sporked by: Thomas Greenwall, Orken 7861, Cadmar, Maria

Rating: K+ for Kill + Burn

Notes: Stargate belongs to MGM, not us.  The PPC does not belong to us either. Thanks go to Aster and Ellipses Flood for beta duty. This mission is a collaboration between Guvnor Of Space and Caddy-Shack. The link for the fic is below.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7327240/1/Dancing_With_Wolves

Thomas was frantically throwing things around his side of the response center. Orken had been ducking thrown objects and placing them back on his partner’s messy side of the response center for an hour now, and he was getting tired of it.

“Agent Thomas, if O’Neil was anywhere in here, you would have found him by now. I suspect that, for whatever reason, he has left.”

“No way he’d leave us, dude! We give him food!”

“Haven’t you noticed how he’s been acting lately? No, I suspect he ran off. I suspect, however, that he will return. I am sure you are correct, and food is a motivating factor for him. In the meantime, perhaps you could pay some attention to poor Witmol. You always seem to ignore him.”

Thomas rolled his eyes and continued shoveling through the detritus on the floor. “That’s cause he’s boring! He just sits there and watches us. I mean, I don’t know what else I’d expect a mini-telescreen to do, but he’s just so…” It was at that moment that two things happened. First, the response center alarm went off.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Bip. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Secondly, while the alarm was distracting Thomas, a mechanical hand jumped out of a pile of rags and latched onto his arm. “Gah! Stupid mini-seizer! Let go of me!”

Orken ignored his partner’s yelling and shut off the console alarm. He began reading over the intelligence report, and frowned. “Hm. More Stargate.”

Thomas stopped flailing his arm for a second and looked over at Orken. “Really? What’s it this time? Another genius-Sue?”

Orken nodded, then furrowed his brow. “Yes. That and… uh, well, Agent Thomas, according to this, we also have to deal with a wolf. A space wolf, actually.”

“A… space wolf?” The mini-seizer reached its time limit and let go of Thomas’ arm.

“Yes. It says in the report, and I quote “presence of non-canon space wolf.”

Thomas threw his arms in the air. “Well that’s just great. Stupid genius!Sue, O’Neil is missing, and now we have to deal with a space wolf. This day just keeps getting better and better.”

Orken tried to comfort his partner. “Technically, due to the imprecise temporal nature of Headquarters, it may well have been more than a day.”

“Orky?”

“Yes, Agent Thomas?” Orken said, deciding not to chide his angry partner for using his hated nickname.

“Shut the hell up.”

“Impoliteness is not appreciated.”

“Neither’s arrogance, dude,” Thomas scowled.

“When have I been arrogant? I am trying my best to be less condescending. I mean, just because I’m smarter than most of the humans who work here…”

“For the love of Apophis, Orky, I don’t think you’re as smart as you think you are. I doubt you’re any smarter than…”

Thomas was interrupted by the console, which began beeping at them in annoyance.

[Beep! BEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEP!]

Orken clapped his hands together. “Right. Mission.” He pulled his backpack out of a cabinet and grabbed a P-90. “Shall we go?”

Thomas said nothing, but he grabbed his bag and AK-47.

At that moment, a mini-unas carrying a laundry basket ran into the response center, and began gibbering.

“General Laundry! Did you find O’Neil?” asked Thomas.

The General shook his head no. The laundry in the basket stirred restlessly.

“What? Come on dude, you said… well, you nodded when I asked if you could figure out where O’Neil ran off to. What happened?”

General Laundry began telling him exactly what happened, including nearly being stepped on by more agents than he could count, being menaced by scores of other minis and experiencing a wave of psychic feedback in the laundry room that nearly overwhelmed him.

Thomas, of course, did not understand any of it. “Whatever, dude. I’m sure he’ll turn up.”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Stoptalkingandgetonwiththemissionalready BEEEEP!]

Thomas pounded on the console. “Shut up!”

The console shocked him.

Still nursing his injured hand, Thomas stepped through a portal and emerged on a planet that was “billions of light years away from the human home world.” A Jaffa soldier, who bore the golden mark of a First Prime, was trying to strangle a wolf. Orken was already hidden behind a tree, and Thomas joined him. Since the planet was not described in any way, Canon was filling it in with Default Stargate Planet, which looked nearly identical to a Canadian pine forest. Both agents where wearing Russian uniforms, which were enough to keep out the chill that seemed to pervade the forest.

“Space wolf ahoy,” Thomas grumbled.

“Indeed. I find it fascinating how the strangling is referred to as “a event.” This mission has already began and already we have basic grammar issues.”

Although at first glace it seemed primarily wolf if you took the time to study the creature you would see that the tip of it's muzzle was blue, as were its paws. Neon blue quils adorned it's head and trailed along it's back creating a ferocious beauty. The creature seemed helpless but she was snarling with her emerald eyes.

 Three things happened as soon as the Words were done describing the space wolf. First, a beautiful looking painting of a regular earth wolf popped out of the wolf’s back. Second, the wolf’s eyes turned into emeralds and began growling. Third, the improper “it’s” being used twice in a row after the proper one had already been used really annoyed the two agents.

Thomas wrote down a charge for “grammar carelessness.”

He whispered to Orken, the noise he was making covered by the wolf’s snarling. “I want that painting, dude.”

“If you wish, but I don’t think you need more garbage for your side of the…”

“Hey! That painting is really, uh, beautiful! Don’t call it garbage!” Thomas’ voice was getting louder, and the space wolf’s ear perked up in their direction. Orken slapped a hand over his partner’s mouth. “Whisper, or don’t talk at all.”

''What are you?'' Yelled the worrier, his grip tightening around the windpipe of the wolf. ''Who sent you?''

The First Prime, who had up until now appeared arrogant and confident, suddenly appeared worried.

Thomas said some very obscene things, but they were muffled by Orken’s hand. They likely would have remained like this for much longer, had the wolf not suddenly broke free and ran off. The First Prime had been thrown back by a blast of energy from the space wolf, and it took him several seconds to get back up and give chase. As soon as he did, Orken opened a portal.

“The wolf is heading to Stargate Command. Shall we go?”

Thomas said nothing as he stepped through the portal.

The two agents emerged in the gate control room, and immediately noticed something was off.

The Stargate was lying flat on the ground.

“What in the name of Apophis…” gasped Thomas.

Orken studied the words, and saw a charge they had neglected while on the other planet.

“According to the Words, the Stargate is a “horizontal circle.” I assume that all of them have been adjusted to be such.”

Thomas looked around for something without shiny lights to bang his head on, settling on a sport of wall near the entryway.

An alarm went off, and it was quickly realized that the Iris was not functioning. Something seemed off, though.

Thomas stopped his head banging when he heard his favorite character speaking. “Siler? Why’s Siler manning the Iris controls? That’s Walter’s job.” It was a charge, but not one Thomas really minded. After all, this was the first time he got to see Siler in person, and that was kind of cool. It even broke through the lousy mood he was in.

 The whole base held it's breath waiting to see what kind of enemy will materialise out of the Stargate.

Then when the space wolf emerged from the Stargate and Cheyenne Mountain started breathing, he was instantly in a bad mood again.

Orken grumbled about “it’s” being misused again. “Really. They used “its” right once. I’m beginning to think that that was a typo.”

SG-1 discussed the wolf, and a new mini popped into existence. O’Niell, curious about where he was, began sniffing Siler’s leg, and was about to poke him with his tiny spear when Orken scooped him up. “Agent Thomas, we need to put him somewhere he won’t get stepped on.”

Thomas nodded. “Yeah, dude. You can do that. I’m gonna go watch the conversation between the space wolf and O’Neill.”

“Agent Thomas, I really think that since you’re the one who likes these minis…”

“No. No, no, no, no. You are going to go put O’Niell somewhere. I’m going to go watch the conversation. I have more canon knowledge than you, and I’m tired of doing all the crap jobs.”

Without giving him time to object, Thomas left for the Embarkation Room.

He did his best to blend in with the soldiers already there, who were all pointing guns at the Wolf!Sue.

'I'm colonel Jack O'Niell of SG1, and who and what the hell are you?'' O'Niell was living up to his blunt nature.

Orken had just got the mini-unas into a storage closet when it disappeared. He groaned, realizing that he should probably have checked the words to make sure the mini’s name didn’t pop up again. He grumbled all the way to the gate room, and managed to miss the wolf saying

The wolf, still tense from her flee from the Jaffa, simply replied: ''I'm Neon. Do you want this planet saving or what?''

He was, however, in time to watch a familiar looking mini-Unas with a letter opener in his primitive belt pop into the gate room beside O’Niell.

Thomas recognized him, and ran over to him. “O’Neil! Where have you been?”

The wolf seemed confused. “O’Neill is right here, is he not?”

O’Neill, suddenly seeing Thomas (but thankfully not O’Neil) jumped. “Hey! What’re you doing here? Since when have you guys got to send people when we’re in the middle of a crisis?”

“I hardly think I qualify as a crisis! The Goa’uld on the way to your planet is a crisis!” exclaimed the Wolf.

O’Neill’s attention was diverted back to the wolf, which put the fic back on track, at least temporarily. ''Who says it's in danger?’’

The wolf explained how she had come to warn them about the danger they were in, and complained about being held up. When she couldn’t convince them, she projected her memory into everyone in the base’s heads. This included Thomas and Orken.

When Neon opened her eyes she could see that everyone believed her. 

“Oh my god!” said Thomas. “We need to help her! Earth is in danger.”

Orken looked worried as well. “This must be why we’re here. This system lord Neon mentioned must be the non-canon entity we’re supposed to get rid of!”

***

 The Nuclear Warhead Storage Room of PPC HQ was in a state of complete chaos and confusion, as the alarms on all three Consoles were going off at the same time. The noise was casing the minis to panic, and they were all attempting to find shelter from the sonic annoyance.

“Grrah!” Maria kicked the wall, causing it to dent slightly, “Bob Fett! Stop hiding in the fridge, it’s too cold in there!”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] [BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Cadmar was ducking on the ground, muttering miserably while attempting to cover her ears. “Brandyduck, no... not the ammo crate...”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] [BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Maria, kicked the wall again as the consoles refused to shut off when she hit the switch. “So help me Eru, if I ever find who programmed this...” she snarled.

Mark staggered up to her, his ears bleeding slightly. “I BELIEVE WE NEED TO PUSH ALL THRE-”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] [BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

“What?” Mari shouted back, her ears ringing from the last one.

“I SAID WE NEED TO PUSH ALL THE BUTTONS!” Mark shouted, staggering off to a console.

Maria nodded, and kicked a shirt at Cadmar, who flinched and stared at her in shock. “Get up, go hit the button on that one!” she pointed to the only vacant Console. Cadmar nodded and stumbled over to it.

“ON THREE!” Mark announced to the others. “ONE. TWO. THR-”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] [BEEEEEEE-]

-EE.”

The message finally displayed on Maria’s Console, she gave it a baleful glare, scrolling down it.

Mark attempted to walk over to her, but tripped halfway and handed on a very irate Rasputin, who thanked Mark by clawing him in the face. “I BELIEVE I SHALL GO TO MEDICAL. I AM NOT SURE IF I WILL BE ABLE TO HEAL MYSELF FROM THAT!”

Cadamr winced and held her hands over her ears, “Stop yelling! Just go!” she waved frantically to the door to the RC, which opened and gladly let Mark out. Cadmar pulled out her Beretta and emptied the clip into the Console. “Should have done that earlier...”

Maria sighed, rubbing her ears, both pairs, tenderly, hoping the ringing would stop. “We’re being asked to go and... rescue someone? Weird, don’t get asked that a lot. It says here a... Agent Orken and Thomas have been gone for a whole week and are in need of assistance. “

Cadmar perked up slightly, and grabbed her head in pain.”Orken? I know him, went on a Jurassic Park mission with him, got to kill a Dino!Stu. Kind of a rulesys guy, but okay on the whole.” She grabbed her bag, and pulled some Tylenol out, “Hello pain relief,” she sighed, handing Maria some.

“Thanks, hey, where’s Mark?” Maria asked, reading the report again.

“Medical,” Cadmar replied, “Said he needed help or something.”

Maria nodded, “Okay. Well, we’ll handle it without him. The fic is in Stargate SG-1, so grab-”

Cadmar jumped for joy, wincing only slightly from her headache, “Wooh! P-90 time!”

Maria giggled, “Yeah, yeah. Break ‘em out. We should probably hurry.”

***

Cadmar and Maria emerged from the portal, disguised as SGC guards. “Ya know, Maria, a balaclava is kinda  suspicious when NO ONE else is wearing one,” Cadmar remarked.

“Shush you, I’m trying to figure out what is happening. We need to find Orken and Thomas, we don’t know what trouble they are in.” Maria read the Words, hoping to find some clues to the other agents whereabouts.

***

“So how do we help her without letting the canon characters know we’re here?” asked Thomas as soon as the Sue had left the room with SG-1 and Hammond.

“Good question, Agent Thomas. I do not know. Perhaps we should go look for that Goa’uld system lord and simply kill him ourselves.”

“Good idea, but he doesn’t show up in any of the chapters that have been written so far,” Thomas pointed out.

O’Neil looked at the two agents with confusion. While he was not an expert on how missions worked, he knew what Sues smelled (and tasted) like. He was sure that the wolf was a Sue, and now the two agents were talking about helping her. Something was wrong.

“Perhaps we should tell her who we are? She is an original character, after all. A very sympathetic and well written one, too. After we explain what’s going on, we can recruit her and finish off this System Lord Stu,” Orken said.

Thomas nodded. “Great idea dude! Let’s go! We’ll watch that meeting she’s having with SG-1, and snag her afterwords.”

The two agents and O’Neil made their way to the briefing room, where Neon was explaining to SG-1 that earth was in danger from a Goa’uld named Thanatos. Thomas shuddered as she explained that they had never heard of him because no-one wanted to write legends about someone as terrible as him. Orken perked up when Neon explained her fascinating back-story.

''I'm a mix between wolf and a breed of aliens from another dimension.''

She also explained that she needed to get to London. Thomas was getting frustrated by Stargate Command obstructing the wolf, who was obviously trying to help them.

Suddenly, there was a scene shift, and Orken, Thomas, Maria and Cadmar were all thrown halfway across the world and into a back ally in London. O’Neil was left behind in the briefing room.

It was raining. In front of them, a girl, presumably the second Sue, was using her fingers to pick a lock. It was a charge, and if anyone was thinking about writing down charges at the moment, and not thinking about disentangling themselves from one another, they would have written it down.

“Maria, I like you, but please stop grabbing my hair...” Cadmar said as she attempted to crawl out from under the dog-pile of people.

“Gah! Who’s grabbing my butt!” Maria shouted, looking dirtily at the two Russian SG members who were with them for some reason.

Orken, who’s hand had indeed ended up on Maria’s rear end, quickly let go. He started to blush.  “I apologize. I did not mean to... wait a second. Who are you, and why did you scene change with us?”

Maria gave a big heave, knocking Orken and Thomas off of the pile. “Are you Orken?”

Orken was taken aback. “Yes I am. And how would you know that? Are you agents?”

Thomas groaned and sat up. “I’d guess so, dude. I don’t know why they’d send us help though. We can kill that system lord without any assistance.”

Orken nodded. “Yes. This is also highly irregular. I don’t know what protocol is for introducing agents mid-mission. Should we review charges with them?”

Thomas shrugged, and pulled out his notebook. “I dunno.” He frowned. “Huh. This is odd. It almost looks like I’ve been collecting charges against Neon...”

Cadmar blinked. “Er, okay... So, why are you going to kill a System Lord? And who is Neon?”

“Neon is this awesome OC we’re gonna recruit. We were just about to explain to her what’s going on when we got scene changed.”

Orken nodded. “Indeed. It would not be unheard of to use the help of an OC to kill a Stu. You’re help is also appreciated of course, but, I must ask, why were you sent here? And what are your names?”

Maria narrowed her eyes slightly, seeing the unfocused look in Orken and Thomas’ eyes. “I’m Maria, we were sent because you needed help. Tell me, what exactly is Neon, not a very common name...”

“Neon’s the beautiful space wolf dudette with the emerald eyes,” replied Thomas.

Orken nodded dreamily. “She’s the most beautiful and good space wolf I have ever seen.” He shook his head. “Where are my manners? It’s nice to meet you, Agent Maria. This is my partner, Agent Thomas.” Orken thought nothing about how odd it was to stand on politeness in the middle of a rainy ally while on a mission.

Maria shook his hand, “Nice to meet you,” she said with fake politeness. Cadmar tapped her on the shoulder.

“Hey, Maria, um, I was looking at the words and I think-”

“I know,” she cut her off. “Well, Orken. I hope you can forgive me for this,” she apologized as she gripped his hand tighter, and threw him into the wall. Cadmar, remembering Maria’s lessons on backing her up when she beat up people, used the butt of her P-90 to hit Thomas under the chin, knocking him down stunning him.

Maria walked over to Orken, and began searching his pockets, “So, what did you read in the words?” she asked.

“They were hit with this... Mental Suefluence thing when the wolf broadcasted stuff into everyones minds.” Cadmar replied, while sitting on Thomas, holding his arms pinned above his head to restrain him.

“Good girl.” Maria remarked, finding a bottle Bleeprin, and shoving a few in Orken’s mouth. “Here, give Thomas some of this.” She tossed Cadmar the bottle, who repeated the action with Thomas.

Orken groaned. “Wha... what’s going on? Were we... were we trying to help a Sue?”

Thomas tried to sit up, but couldn’t because Cadmar was still sitting on him. “Who’re you and why are you sitting on my chest?” The girl on his chest was attractive, and he didn’t want to alienate her, but she was crushing his lungs.

“Hi there!” Cadmar chirped to Thomas, “Fancy straddling you here!”

Maria rolled her eyes. “Yeah, trying to help her. She did a Suefluence trick. You’ve been gone a week apparently, so we were sent in.” She offered him a hand up.

Orken accepted it, and shook his head, trying to clear what felt like a lot of cobwebs. “Ugh. Thank you for that. I didn’t realize we’d been in here that long.”

Thomas was perplexed. “Wait a second, dude. We can’t have been in here more than a couple hours.”

Cadmar shrugged. “That doesn’t really make any sense, but hey, it was an emergency. Don’t look emergency ponies in the mouth, right?”

Thomas tried to shrug, but with his arms held above his head that was nigh impossible. “I guess, dude. Uh, are you gonna let me up... what’s your name?”

Cadmar let go of Thomas’ hands and got off of him. “Sorry about that, had to stop you from doing something Suepid.” She giggled at her pun, “Names Cadmar, nice to meet you again Thomas!”

Thomas stood up, and brushed off his Russian fatigues, while trying to clear his mental cobwebs. He still felt a little off, but he could have sworn... “Cadmar? I seem to recall you being more... uh...”

Orken finished for him. “I think what my partner wishes to ask you, is if you used to be more... male.”

Cadmar grinned, “Yep. Ran into some trouble on a Harry Potter mission, got possessed, almost Sued. Turning into a girl was a side effect. Surprising, huh?”

Orken shrugged. “When I got possessed I ended up with a Goa’uld in my head.”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “It isn’t a contest, Orky. Besides, you got Nut out of your head. Cadmar’s still a chick.”

“Yes, but at least he... she... he... she... Cadmar still has full control of herself and or himself.”

“Well, you don’t have to...”

Maria interrupted Thomas, “Yeah, the Sue, the REAL Sue I might add, just finished picking the lock.”

The Sue opened up the window that she had just picked and slipped into an apartment. Thomas started to walk towards where she had just disappeared, but Orken grabbed him.

“We don’t need to follow her. We can portal back to Cheyenne mountain, which she will be calling at any moment. Meanwhile, write down a charge for picking a lock with one’s fingers.”

“Eep!” Maria ducked behind a dumpster in the alley as the Sue, who had just finished looting the place for no stated reason, made a blue fireball materialize in her hand, and fired it into the building, which caught on fire because of her spilling methanol all over the place.

Cadmar blinked, “Why would she randomly steal a bottle of liqour and torch a place?”

Orken shrugged. “I don’t try to make sense of it. I just say...”

“Sue Logic.” Thomas finished.

“Exactly, Agent Thomas. Something I’ve said appears to have penetrated your thick skull.”

“I’M the one with the thick skull? You’re the one who feels so inadequate and powerless that he acts like an arrogant-”

“I do not feel inadequate! I’m a professional, successful agent of the Protectors of the-”

Cadmar fired her P-90 in the air once, getting Orkens and Thomas’ attention. “Oy! Stop bickering back there, or I’m turning this alley around and we are going home!”

Orken gave Thomas a disgusted look. “Now see what you’ve done? Your rash actions have forced Agent Cadmar to possibly alert the Sue to our presence.”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “My fault? This is all MY fault? It isn’t at all your fault that we were arguing? Dude, you are such an idiot sometimes.”

Orken’s face reddened, but he took a deep breath. “We shall continue this later, in private. For now, we need to continue this mission.” He opened a portal to Cheyenne mountain. “Shall we go?”

Maria nodded warily. “Yeah, let’s go. I don’t want to be around when the fire starts getting bigger.”

Cadmar coughed awkwardly. “Yeah, and sorry for the shot, just thought it would be cool and all.”

Orken stepped through, followed by Thomas and the other two agents. They emerged in the control room, just as Jack was demanding answers from Neon. Thomas gave a silent cheer at the resistance the canon was showing. A virus had just been detected on the SGC’s mainframe, and O’Neill was suspicious of Neon.

It was Jack who spoke up first, ''This have anything to do with you?'' He turned to Neon. ''You never said how you got to that planet in the first place and I'm pretty sure you don't have a big space ship hovering above us.''

Neon hated being watched, and everyone in the SGC was watching her, she became clumsy and stammered. ''I need to get to London.''

"You've already said that, what's in London? " O'Neill was becoming annoyed.

''Jack-''

'No Daniel! The SGC was shut down last night by some sort of virus and something went through the gate, my money is on the feathered dog.''

“Is that some basic reasoning I detect in the characters?” Cadmar asked in a faux-shocked voice. “

Maria rolled her eyes. “It’s good to know they have the presence of mind to question a talking wolf, and strange occurrences happening around them.”

Thomas frowned. “Yeah, but she’s brainwashed Daniel pretty bad. Poor guy.”

Neon growled and bared her teeth, she needed to get to London,she needed to find the girl but this idiot was too busy pointing fingers at her. Anger was racing through every part of her, it wouldn't take long for her spines to turn black... It would be easy for a creature of so much strength to simply take Jack's throat out...

Thomas gripped his gun harder. Orken grabbed him before he could charge. He spoke in a quiet voice, close to the younger agent’s ear. “Agent Thomas, I know what you’re thinking, and my answer is don’t do it.”

Thomas glowered at him, but said nothing.

''Sir,' Carter had stopped typing, ''There's a video message and it seems to be coming from Britain...''

All eyes turned to the hybrid canine, ''For you then.'' O'Neill wasn't trusting this mutant thing, no matter what dimension it came from.

The wolf made her way to the screen and was greeteed by the face of a young girl.

Cadmar scowled. “I don’t know whether to think that it is a semi-good characterization of a wolf hybrid thing, or to back up Thomas and gun it down now.”

Maria patted her on the back. “Orken’s right, gunning it down now would only provoke the canons, and unless you think we can take the entire base...” she trailed off, letting Cadmar fill in the blanks.

After contemplating murdering Jack, the Wolf Sue was informed that there was a video message for her. All the canons watched as she informed Violet, the human Sue, that the mission was a success, and introduced her to the people in the Command Room.

General Hammond asked how she knew about the facility, it being top secret.

'It can't be that top secret.'' Violet laughed, in such a way that only a child laughs, ''After all I'm 16 and I know all about the Stargate.''

Jack turned to Hammond, ''Sir, seriously? Did we just get done by a teenager? This is not my day...''

Cadmar made a choking noise. “H-how could she possibly know about it? I don’t ever remember it being hacked in canon. Wasn’t there supposed to be a lot of computer genius types working there?”

Orken shrugged. “Well, it was hacked, just never by a human, and never, ever from outside the base. The closest thing to that was the one electric personality thing, and that was inside the base for most of the hacking.”

Thomas gave him an odd look. “Since when have you seen obscure episodes of Stargate that don’t have anything to do with the main story arc?”

Orken looked sheepish. “Since you started writing lists of episodes I “had” to see.”

Thomas was shocked. “You... listen to me sometimes?”

The Hacker!Sue interrupted their conversation.

''Hello? I'm still here, all the way in night time London. When's my flight?'' Violet smiled, they were going to bring her in she knew it but just to make sure... ''My family has the closest genes to the Ancients.''

Daniel leapt in impatiently ''What? Did you say the Ancients?''

''Why yes I did, but no more spoilers. I'll meet you at Gatwick airport. Gate five.'' Violet winked before she closed the laptop and went to hand it to the police. There was no way she was going to make it easy for the Goa'uld to track her. Another childish giggle, ''It's good to be me.''

Thomas groaned. “Great. So she’s the one that’s responsible for the virus. Why do all Genius!Sues think that being smart instantly makes them brilliant hackers? Or that they all happen to be ancient decedents?”

Cadmar looked at Thomas in interest. “All, as in more then one Genius!Sue?

Thomas nodded. “Yeah, a mission we had a while back had a Genius!Stu who decided to infiltrate Cheyenne Mountain. The story was about as ridiculous as it sounds.”

Cadmar shook her head. “Sounds very silly.” She grinned suddenly. “So... Thomas, did I catch you checking me out earlier?”

“No! Cause you’re a guy. And I’m straight. I’m a very straight guy,” Thomas quickly replied.

“Yes. He has a very heterosexual crush on Neil Patrick Harris,” Orken said, smirking.

Maria giggled. “No shame in checking out people of the same gender. Oh, and Neil Patrick Harris, nice.”

Thomas was muttering what sounded like obscenities under his breath when Orken started scrambling for his RA.

“What’s the rush, dude?” Thomas asked.

“Scene change. Quickly!” Orken opened a portal, and jumped through. Thomas and the other two agents followed him.

They emerged in an airport.

Cadmar hid behind a pillar, while Maria had somehow hid herself in a large travel case, her head sticking out. “Um, I think armed people are a little suspicious,” Cadmar said to Orken and Thomas, who were out in the open.

Thomas glanced down at his Russian uniform, and decided they were right. He joined Cadmar behind the pillar. Orken ducked behind a nearby luggage cart.

While they waited for the Sue to show up, Thomas whispered to Orken. “Thanks dude.”

“For what, Agent Thomas?”

“For paying attention to the fic and catching that scene change.”

“It was what any professional would do.”

Thomas nodded, thinking. “Yes, it was. I’m glad... I’m glad you’re a professional, sometimes. Or at least you try to be, which is good enough.”

Orken couldn’t think up a response to that, but thankfully for him, the Sue choose that moment to show up. She immediately got on O’Neill’s nerves.

''Look, I'm not in the mood for childish games. Lets just get in the plane, and sort this out at base.''

''You need to have more fun. Where's Neon?''

This girl was already becoming a problem for O'Neill, if she is constantly going to act like this she isn't going to be much help. ''The wolf is back at base.''

''You left her? You idiots! I've been monitoring your Stargate program since you defeated Ra, and it's not that hard to see how half the people you bring back to earth for protection end up being taken away. I doubt Neon will be any different.''

Thomas wrote down a charge for insulting the intelligence of SG-1 for making a logical decision.

“Seriously dudes, does she think it would be smart of them to bring a space wolf to the airport?”

“I guess she does,” Maria remarked. “Also, how could she have been monitoring it since they defeated Ra? It’s not like people would assume that something like that would happen where NORAD is, it was already top secret.”

“Yeah. If someone told me that there was a top secret government space portal thingy, I’d totally bet on it being at Area 51,” Thomas said sagely.

Orken poked him. “Agent Thomas, may I see the charge list?”

Thomas handed it over, and Orken nodded in aproval. “We have enough charges now. Agents Cadmar and Maria, if you would not mind helping us remove these Sues from existence, I would appreciate it.”

Cadmar saluted. “No problem, dude!”

“Don’t worry, I’M the Orken to Cadmar’s Thomas,” Maria assured Orken.

“Hey!” Cadmar protested. “I’m plenty competent!”

Maria smirked. “Never said you weren’t.”

Thomas jumped in. “Hey! You think I’m incompetent? Not cool, dude.”

Orken stomped on Thomas’ toe. “No more arguing. We need to get this mission finished. We’ve already been at this for a week.”

“Right,” said Thomas “Let’s finish this.”

“Besides,” Cadmar muttered, “I think you’re plenty competent.” Cadmar gave Thomas a wink.

Thomas’ face was turning red as he stood up, firing his AK-47 into the ceiling.

“Alright everyone! Give us the Sue and no-one gets hurt!”

The gunshots were plenty loud enough to shatter the SEP field, and the airport was filled with the screams of panicked civilians. SG-1, always ready, drew Zat guns. Before Thomas could turn his gun on them, he was stunned and on the ground, with SG-1 approaching the Agent’s hiding spot fast.

“Well... Damn!” Cadmar quickly made sure the P90 was ready. “Um, good plan, idiot!”

Maria smacked Cadmar’s arm. “C’mon! Use those damned flash grenades you carry around all the time!” she whispered while ducking and covering her head.

“... Oh, right...” Cadmar opened the bag and grabbed one. “Wow, it’s like Thomas knew our plan all along and wasn’t being a rash idiot!” she commented as she pulled the pin and threw the grenade, also taking cover.

Orken gulped. “Flashbang?” He covered his ears and shut his eyes, knowing it would not be adequate protection.

Teal’c gave a warning just as the flashbang went off, leaving SG-1 and everyone else in the room stunned, sans the agents, who never-the-less had ringing in their ears.

“Gah... you fools...” Cadmar mumbled in pain, getting up and making sure the canons were incapacitated.

Orken tried to rub the afterimage out of his eyes as he stood up. The Sue was stunned, and was blinking in an attempt to clear her vision. “QUICKLY!” Orken shouted. “I’LL GRAB THE SUE! YOU TWO GRAB THOMAS!” He opened up a portal to the beach, a favorite spot of his for executions.

Orken ran over to the stunned girl, and gently guided her towards the portal. The Sue did not resist, and when they were right in front of the portal, Orken pushed her through, and jumped after her.

Cadmar dug a finger in her ear, trying to clear it out. “Man, those things hurt.” She picked Thomas up with a grunt, and laid him over her shoulder. “Looks like I really swept him off his feet,” she said to herself.

Maria peeked out from the fetal position she was hiding in. “Is... is it safe to come out?”

“Yeah, grab Thomas’ gun and let’s see what Orken has done to whatsherface,” Cadmar answered, righting Thomas on her shoulder and walking toward he portal.

“Whatsherface” was beginning to regain her sight and hearing when the two agents emerged onto the beach, and she was beginning to realize something was wrong.

“What’s going on? Is this some kind of trick? I will not stand for this! Neon will seek revenge for this, you idiots, and she’s super powerful!”

Orken rolled his eyes, and said in a voice still slightly louder than normal “I’ll charge her and such, if the two of you wish to go find the space wolf.” He kept his P-90 carefully trained on the Sue.

“Okay! C’mon Cadmar, let’s go big game hunting!” Maria grabbed the RA from Cadmar’s pocket, causing her to stumble and fall. This of course, caused Cadmar to fall on top of Thomas. “Oof!” she wheezed.

Thomas choose this moment to wake up. Blinking his eyes groggily, he at first thought he had to be dreaming. There seemed to be a very attractive girl on top of... Seeing Cadmar on top of him, Thomas began making spluttering noises. “Gah! Get off me before I have an involuntary physical reaction I’ll be embarrassed about later!”

Cadmar smirked at him. “First I pick up a guy, then I fall for him, crazy huh?” she asked huskily.

Thomas tried desperately to shove the formerly male agent off of him without touching anything he would think about later. “Get off me!” Managing to get Cadmar shoved to the side, he quickly scrambled into a standing position. Orken was struggling not to laugh.

Maria was openly laughing at Thomas’ reaction. “Alright, you’ve had your fun Cadmar, let’s go!” she said when she finally got her breath back under control.

“Yeah, yeah,” Cadmar got up, dusting herself off. “See you guys in a bit!” she called with a wave to Thomas and Orken, as Maria opened a portal and pulled her through.

Orken was still grinning like a fool, a real rarity with him. “Agent Thomas, I think Cadmar and you would make a very compatible couple.”

Thomas glowered at him. “Shut it, Orky.”

“But, Agent Thomas-”

The Sue interrupted him. “What in the name of my awesomeness is going on here? I demand answers!”

Thomas looked around, and spotted the charge list in Orken’s hand. He snatched it and began talking almost immediately, smirking as he spoke. “Violet of Britain, you are charged with picking a lock using your fingers, robbing and torching a residential flat for no discernable reason, having improbable hacking skills, having a psychic connection to a space wolf for no apparent reason, being extremely rude to SG-1 and General Hammond, using Ancient descent as an excuse for improbable powers, being in a story which demonstrates two proper “its” in a sentence and then uses the incorrect form for the rest of the story, and finally, and most damning, being a Mary Sue. The sentence is for these crimes is death. Does that count as an answer?”

“What is that nonsense? I have never heard such rubbish in my life!”

Orken shot her with his P-90. “It’s not rubbish. It’s Canon. Learn it.”

Thomas, holding the notebook awkwardly between two fingers, began clapping. “Excellent line, Orky, but we need to work on your delivery. Next time, say ‘It’s not rubbish,’ shoot her, and then say ‘It’s Canon. Learn it.’”

“Agent Thomas? It would behoove you not to- Oh, never mind, this is ridiculous. Why are we arguing about everything today?”

Thomas thought hard. “I think I annoyed you back in the RC when I was looking for O’Neil... O’Neil! We left him in Cheyenne Mountain while we were Sued!”

A portal opened, and Maria and Cadmar walked through. Cadmar was limping and being supported by Maria.

Orken was confused. “Where’s the wolf?”

Cadmar grunted. “Dead. We tried charging it, but it jumped at us before we finished...” She indicated her leg. “Bit me, then Maria kinda flipped out and tore it’s head off.”

“What? I was worried...” Maria protested.

Orken gave Thomas a worried look. “Agent Thomas, did we not have charges specific to the wolf that we needed to read?”

Thomas nodded. “Yeah... but how much do you think Upstairs is gonna really care about this? Right now, we need to go grab the minis. And that painting. I want that. And the growling emerald eyes... you dudes didn’t happen to take the wolf’s emerald eyes, did you?”

“I have never had a Sue killed on a mission I was on without being charged first. This is very much against the rules-”

“Oy!” Cadmar shouted. “We charged it for being a creature from another dimension with no explanation, making Cheyenne mountain breath, turning all the Stargates horizontal, being capable of human speech, and basically steamrolling the canon characters into doing stuff. In my opinion I would have shot her the second she stepped through, but eh.”

“I hope we didn’t miss any really big ones. We kinda sent the body through an incoming wormhole, to dispose of it completely...” Maria said sheepishly.

Thomas shrugged. “Well, you missed the growling emerald eyes... man, I can’t believe you disintegrated those.” Suddenly remembering O’Neil, his eyes lit up. “Oh! we have to go get some Minis! Poor O’Neil, getting pulled into a badfic again... And then I want the Ferocious Beauty.”

Orken frowned. “What?”

“You mean me?” Cadmar asked with a grin.

Thomas flushed, but continued, undeterred. “No, that painting from the first chapter. You know, the one that spawned out of the space wolf’s back?”

“Ah yes.” Orken opened a portal. “I will begin neuralyzing canon characters. Agent Thomas, you should get the minis. I promise I will grab the painting for you, and we’ll meet up when we’re done. I’m sure Agent’s Cadmar and Maria would not mind helping you.”

“Sure! I love minis!” Maria chirped. “C’mon Cadmar, let’s go help Thomas.”

Cadmar rolled her eyes. “It’s not like I have a choice, I kinda can’t walk on my own...”

“Excellent! That means you want to help!”

“... Sure, why not?”

When the four agents met up back on the beach, Orken was carrying the painting, holding it away from his body, and O’Neil was being held protectively against Thomas’ chest, and O’Niell was following them.

“Ugh. Agent Thomas, this painting is growling at me. I also think it has tried to slip out of my hand and cut me with its frame. Please make sure it’s somewhere secure in our Response Center. I don’t trust it.”

As if to underscore his point, the painting growled menacingly.

“Nice painting, you gonna hang it on your door so it scares away the Flowers?” Cadmar asked Thomas, as she awkwardly adjusted her and Maria’s disguises back. “Phew, it’s pretty hot here,” she said, adjusting her tanktop.

Thomas tried very, very hard to ignore her. He failed.

Orken was doing a much better job at hiding his interest. “Agents Cadmar and Maria, it is not often that I can say I am in someone’s debt, but there is no question that you saved us. Thank you.”

Thomas nodded, dumbly. “Yeah, thanks and stuff.”

“No problem! Always happy to help out some old friends!” Cadmar smiled as she gave them a thumbs up.

“Yeah,” Maria agreed. “It’s nice meeting new people. Well, we should probably get out of here, the sun is making me nervous...”

Thomas was not looking at the sun, but he said “Yeah... that...”

Orken nodded. “Indeed. Oh!” He glanced over to where the Sue’s body still lay. “That works.” He opened a portal to the sun and tossed the Sue through. “Much better. Well. That was interesting. I hope to see you again, and under better circumstances. Come, Agent Thomas.” He opened a portal to their Response Center.

Thomas nodded. “Yeah... uh, bye guys.” His eyes were still straying towards Cadmar.

Cadmar and Maria waved as they entered another Portal to their RC. “Maybe we can work together again sometime!” Cadmar called out as the portal closed.

Thomas collapsed into his chair as soon as he was back in the Response Center. “Wow, dude. That mission was something else.”

Orken nodded. “It sure was. Now we just have to drop off O’Niell at an adoption center, and we’ll be finished.”

The painting he was carrying growled. “We also have to find a place to hang this.”

Thomas groaned. “Ugh. Can you take care of the mini? I’m tired.”

Orken was about to protest when O’Neil jumped into Thomas’ lap, brandishing his letter opener. As much as O’Neil was annoyed by Thomas’ ignorance of the Unas language, and his ignorance of how insulted he had been when this was discovered... well, he liked him. He fed him, and being separated from him in the Badfic, and then having to watch him act unlike himself had been bad. There was no way he was letting anything take him away anytime soon.

Somehow, despite never having had any success conveying anything to the senior agent in the past, Orken seemed to understand what O’Neil was thinking. “Alright, Agent Thomas.” Scooping up O’Niell in his arms, he left O’Neil to curl up on Thomas’ lap as Thomas slowly slipped off to sleep.