The Portland Humpin' Hash Guide to Haring

These are Lois Lame's and I-Blow's secrets to becoming a successful hare in just a few easy steps . . .

Invitation to Newbie Hares

If you have never hared before then you should seek help from experienced hares. This doesn't mean you need an experienced co-hare — though this can be helpful and fun — but a veteran should go over the start, route, BCs, appropriate marking placement for your trail (where would be a good false trail, where should there be checks, etc), quantities of beer/munchies/layers of shorts you'll need, appropriate amounts of and difficulty of anything other than normal pavement or trails, etc...

Ideally, they should help you on a scouting trip once your trail is coming together. I-Blow and many others will be more than happy to provide this service and not run your punk ass down with the inside knowledge gleaned from your education.

It's hard to lay a good trail. You'll never please everyone. Invariably, you'll screw something up. For an example, ask around about Facial's and I-Blow's virgin haring experience... Talk about a cluster fvck. But remember, haring a great hash is an awesome feeling; haring a great hash after your last one sucked feels even better.

Your trail will also benefit from considering I-Blow's Philosophy of Trail.

Picking a Location and Scouting the Trail

The ideal location has easy parking, is near everyone's house, has great shiggy, spectacular views, a bar with good beer and loose women... Of course, this rarely exists, but try and find at least a few of these traits in the area you set your hash.

Hash trails vary quite a bit, but in general they cover three to five miles and the pack is on trail for roughly an hour and a half. Obviously, you need to scout the trail in advance.

What to look for in a prospective trail:

You can use an online pedometer to help guage the length of your trail.

Hump Hashes are usually A-to-A or A-to-A' — which means that the hash finishes where it starts (A-to-A), or pretty close to it (A-to-A'). These hashes eliminate the need for a shuttle van to carry dry bags and get people back to their cars. Also, late finishers and DFL's are not stranded and cold at the On-In.

If you do decide to do an A-to-B hash (finish and start at seriously different places), state this clearly when you post directions to the start, and tell people they may need to bring a dry bag.

Post Directions to the Hash Start

As soon as you've decided on a start location, post directions on the Yahoogroups e-mail list(humphash@yahoogroups.c©m).

Be sure to copy the Hare Raiser so s/he can add it to the Calendar and hashline.

Note that you don't have to finish scouting every aspect of your trail before posting the start location. All you need for posting is the start location and the kind of trail (A-to-A, etc).

Later, when you post a more complete trailer for your hash, your info about should also include: stroller friendly? dog friendly? and any other equipment required. If there's a big long tunnel then people might need headlamps even in the middle of summer when they might not normally bring them. Also remind people to bring their virgins, new shoes, Shoots' Mom.

Get Supplies

Do you need a keg for your hash? The Hump Hash has a designated Beer Bitch whose role is to help you acquire and transport the keg, tap, and plastic cups to the hash. If for some reason the Beer Bitch is unable to help you, see the guide to getting the keg.

However, you obviously need less than a keg if attendance might might be low — for example, if it's January, 35 degrees, raining, and you've planned a naked outdoor midnight On-In.

Your shopping list will usually include:

Thoughts on Beer Check beer: Make sure there is enough to regroup the pack. This doesn't necessarily mean 1 beer per hound, but with a pack of usually around 50, it should be at least 1/3 beer per person. If there isn't enough, the FRB's chug it and get going again without the rest of the pack in tow. Then you have speed demons running you down, thirsty hounds, and a splintered pack.

Beer check beer need not be all beer all the time. Variety is the spice of life. Live a little.

Hares are generally reimbursed up to $150 for their expenses. Exceptions may be made by prior arrangement with Mismanagement for special occasions and extenuating circumstances. Receipts are required and should be presented to the Hash Cash. Since the hares will be drinking and eating with the rest of the pack, they are still expected to kick in $5 for hash cash.

In fact, it's not at all unheard of — though always voluntary — for hares to spend more than they'll be reimbursed for in the pursuit of that truly memorable hash. In the past, we've had home-brewed beer, swanky liqueurs, barbecues, and homemade desserts — all manner of earthly (and unearthly) delights. This is not the norm, of course, but those are the hashes (and hares) that people talk about long afterward.

Set the Trail

With all the above taken care of, you may now be ready for setting the trail.