INT. CHIPOTLE - DAY
Two college-aged dudes, MATT and DESMOND, are waiting in line
at Chipotle Mexican Grill.
MATT
I want to make clear that when I
say "there is no better phone", I
don't mean "it is the best phone".
I just mean that there's, like, a
top tier of phones - and that it is
definitely in that tier.
DESMOND
Yeah, but it doesn't do what I need
it to do and/or with the ease that
I need. Like, I can program Java
and use that to run experiments
with my phone - but I couldn't do
that with the iPhone.
MATT
Look, man - I understand that, but
it doesn't have anything to do with
there being no better phone than
the iPhone, in general.
Desmond is prevented from going off on a philosophical rant
about open technologies by the fact that it is now their turn
to order. Matt goes first and the camera follows, centered on
him.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARCO
What could I get for you, sir?
MATT
Vegetarian burrito, please.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARCO
Rice, black beans?
MATT
(moving to the right with
the line)
And peppers and onions, thanks.
As Marco moves to steam the tortilla and put all that stuff
in there, the camera shifts a little left to bring Desmond
back into the frame.
DESMOND
What should I get, man?
MATT
The carnitas burrito. It's so
tasty, the Momofuku guy tried to
get a job here so he could steal
the recipe for it. They figured him
out and didn't hire him, though.
DESMOND
What's carnitas?
MATT
Carnitas are pork.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA (O.S.)
Next customer, please!
The camera shifts to the right, losing Desmond but gaining
the beautiful Marianna. She is smiling.
CLOSE UP ON MATT'S FACE AS WE SEE HIM SMILE BACK
CLOSE UP ON MARIANNA'S FACE AS SHE IS STILL SMILING
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA (CONT'D)
Sir?
Her speech snaps the camera out of the close-up and back to
the normal midrange shot we had.
MATT
(snapping out of his own
mental close-up on her
face)
Uhh... could I get tomatoes, salsa,
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA
(interrupting)
Will that be medium salsa? Or hot
salsa?
MATT
I like it hot.
Marianna giggles as she gobs some pico de gallo and hot salsa
onto Matt's burrito. Matt instinctively leans a bit towards
the glass, smiling.
MATT (CONT'D)
And if I could also get corn,
lettuce, and some guacamole [he
pronounces it as it is pronounced
in Spanish], that would be great.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA
(giggling a little bit at
his pronunciation of
guacamole)
Sure, Mr. Hot Stuff.
Matt probably blushes as he lets out some weird modest
chuckle.
Marianna rolls up the burrito, wraps it in tinfoil, and
pushes it along its way. The camera trails her for a bit as
she moves back to the left, before snapping back on the words
of:
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE ANTONIO (O.S.)
Is this here, or to go, man?
MATT
(distracted)
Yes
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE ANTONIO
(making himself clear)
Is this for here, or is it to go?
MATT
(now paying enough
attention)
It's for here.
Antonio puts the foil-wrapped burrito into a little basket
with wax paper on it and pushes it closer to Matt.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE ANTONIO
You want anything to drink with
that?
MATT
No thank you.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE ANTONIO
Ok, then that'll be 8 dollars.
Matt pays for his burrito as Desmond is entering the frame.
MATT
I'll get us a table
DESMOND
(without looking, as he's
talking to Antonio)
Sure, man.
Follow Matt as he goes to sit down with his burrito. He
stares off into space for a bit.
VARIOUS CLOSE-UPS ON MARIANNA'S FACE
Matt flashes back to only minutes before, and relives
Marianna's giggles, and her saying "Mr. Hot Stuff". All of
this echoes and rebounds in his head, but sweetly. Suddenly:
MIDRANGE SHOT OF MATT AND DESMOND SEATED AT THE TABLE
Where the fuck did Desmond come from? He must have popped up
while Matt was flashbacking about Marianna's giggles. He's
eating his burrito, and there is an open bottle of hot sauce
on the table. Dudes are both eating their burritos. Anyway,
DESMOND (CONT'D)
[...] and you know? You look like
much less of an asshole than those
guys who just drown everything in
the basic Tobasco - because it's
either like, "oh, I can't taste the
Tobasco yet!" or it's like "oh, I
can't taste my food's actual taste
anymore!" and there is literally NO
SPACE IN BETWEEN THOSE EXTREMES!
That's why you gotta go for the
smoky chipotle Tobasco. Even the
consistency, it doesn't soak in as
much, so you can taste it without
having to drown your whole damned
burrito, you know?
MATT
(interrupting Desmond as
he says "whole damned
burrito.")
I think Marianna likes me.
Beat.
DESMOND
...who is Marianna?
MATT
She works here. She did the
toppings. Should I go talk to her?
Desmond, sipping his cup of fountain soda through a straw,
twists himself backwards so he can see Marianna. He doesn't
have a clear view, as they're on other side of the
restaurant.
MATT (CONT'D)
Don't stare! What if you scare her
off!?
DESMOND
(turning back around)
I can't see her, she can't see me.
Calm down.
Desmond plops his finished soda on the table, making the ice
cubes inside clack together.
MATT
(reacting to the sound)
You're spending eleven bucks to eat
a thousand-plus calorie burrito and
you thought it was a good idea to
pay even more so you could drink
sugar water?
DESMOND
Can it, veggie-boy. And besides,
you're right about it being an
expensive burrito. That's why I
didn't pay for the drink.
MATT
What?
DESMOND
(smug)
Courtesy cup.
Desmond holds up the cup to give Matt a closer look,
particularly at the "H20" printed on it.
MATT
Fuck you, man. That's theft.
DESMOND
Yeah it is. Chipotle is thieving
years off my lifespan with all
these burritos and free soda.
MATT
Hey, man. What if you get caught?
DESMOND
They don't give a shit.
MATT
But, like, if I go up and talk to
Marianna, that might expose us to a
little more scrutiny.
What am I supposed to tell her if
she sees you with that cup under
the Coca-Cola spout?
DESMOND
Tell her to refill the Coca-Cola
syrup. That shit's practically
water by now, it's pathetic.
MATT
You get what you pay for.
DESMOND
(sardonically)
Ha Ha. Did you use that charming
wit on Marianna?
MATT
Yeah, actually. When she asked me
which salsa, I said "I like it
hot".
DESMOND
What? That's fucking stupid.
MATT
I know. I don't even find that
funny.
DESMOND
That isn't funny.
MATT
I know! But she giggled at it!
DESMOND
And it wasn't just a 'cheerful
customer service' giggle?
MATT
No!
DESMOND
And you find that total lack of a
sense of humor appealing?
MATT
Yes! I mean, No! She probably has a
great sense of humor, maybe.
...
Don't fuck this up for me, man.
DESMOND
What's there to fuck up?
CUT TO:
A hypothetical encounter. Matt walks up to the counter,
behind which stands Marianna. The Chipotle, for some reason,
is now empty except for the two of them, and is bathed in a
strange light. There is a strange, modulating noise coming
from the kitchen which is probably a dishwasher or something.
MATT
Hey... Marianna. Remember me? I
thought we really shared a moment
back there, when I was ordering my
burrito. Do you maybe wanna go out
on a date sometime?
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA
No, jackass. You and your friend
are gonna call me stupid behind my
back because of a shitty fucking
joke that you tell and you think
I'm going to want to go out with
you? Nuh-uh, cabrón.
CUT BACK TO:
Back at the table. Desmond is talking, but we don't hear him.
We only see his mouth moving. We don't hear anything. Matt is
staring out into space, through Desmond, and he has a
slightly sad look on his face.
CUT TO:
Another hypothetical encounter. Matt walks up to the counter,
behind which stands Marianna. The Chipotle, for some reason,
now seems empty except for the two of them, and is bathed in
a strange light. The strange noise is not present.
MATT
Hey... Marianna. Remember me? I
thought we really shared a moment
back there, when I was ordering my
burrito. Do you maybe wanna go out
on a date sometime?
The camera strafes around the two to give us a camera angle
from Marianna's side, which shows Desmond putting Coca-Cola
in his courtesy cup.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA
(hesitantly)
Sure... Matt. Matt, was it?
MATT
(happy)
Yes.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA
(enthusiastic)
How about you hand me your phone
and I can... pop my number right in
there?
MATT
Sure!
Matt takes out his phone, which Marianna quickly snatches out
of his hand, starting to run away from him around the
counter.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA
(into phone)
911! Get me the police! We've got
an incidence of grand theft soda, I
repeat, grand theft soda!
Following the immediate sound of sirens, cops burst into the
room and arrest both Matt and Desmond. They don't resist, and
are handcuffed and then both bent over the table where they
were eating burritos, again looking at each other. Desmond
shrugs a 'whoops'.
CUT BACK TO:
The same silent scene with Matt spaced out, but now with a
definite frown.
CUT TO:
Another hypothetical encounter. Matt walks up to the counter,
behind which stands Marianna. The Chipotle, for some reason,
now seems empty except for the two of them, and is bathed in
a strange light. There is once again a strange, modulating
noise coming from the kitchen which is probably a dishwasher
or something.
MATT
Hey... Marianna. Remember me? I
thought we really shared a moment
back there, when I was ordering my
burrito. Do you maybe wanna go out
on a date sometime?
The strange noise gets a little louder for a bit, which
perturbs Marianna. It sounds like MUUUUUURT.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA
(recovering, smiling)
You know what, Matt? I do. And I
was really hoping you'd ask that.
The way I saw you talking with your
friend about nerdy stuff was so
cute - and don't get me started
with your little blush!
MATT
Really?
The strange noise is getting louder. It sounds like MUUUUUURT
again.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA
(more worried but more
excited)
Yeah, I mean it!
MATT
Oh. Cool! Do you wanna... give me
your number?
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE MARIANNA
Forget that, silly... let me come
over there and give you a hug!
STRANGE NOISE
MUUUUUUURTTTTTTT!!!!!
Marianna shrieks and runs to get around the counter. From the
back room emerges:
SUPER FAT DESMOND
HEEEEEEEY MUUUUUUUUUUURT
Motherfucking Jaba-the-Hutt mode Desmond is apparently the
source of the sound. The burrito in his right hand is a whole
rotisserie chicken, wrapped in a tortilla with all the
fixin's, and in his left hand is a similar burrito, with a
ham. Strapped to his back is a giant courtesy cup, from which
a hose runs to his mouth. The terrifying vision causes
Marianna to cling to Matt, whose face indicates that he at
least could enjoy it for a few seconds before being consumed
with fear himself.
SUPER FAT DESMOND (CONT'D)
DOOOOONT MEEEAN TO RUIIIN
ANYTHIING...
BUT UURT'S THIEEEEVURRYY, MUUUUURT
I'M DYYYYIN HEEEEEEEERE
While eating both of his hand-burritos, Desmond crashes
through, and over, the counter, moving to grab Marianna. She
shrieks.
MATT
Desmond, no!
Marianna continues shrieking as Matt holds on to her, trying
to keep her from nightmare Desmond - but although nightmare
Desmond is slow-moving, he knows how to use all of his
weight, and wrests Marianna away. He keeps Matt pinned under
one of his fatty arms.
MATT (CONT'D)
Desmond, you're fucking ruining
everything!
Desmond starts to slowly lift Marianna off the ground
SUPER FAT DESMOND
(opening his mouth wide)
MMMMHHHMM... CALLOOOOOREEEEEZZZ
By this point, Marianna's head is in his mouth
MATT
YOU FAT FUCK!
Desmond chomps down, biting Marianna's head off as he smiles,
then laughs.
MATT (CONT'D)
YOU FAT FUCK! I WAS GONNA DATE
MARIANA! SHE WAS GONNA COME AND
GIVE ME A FUCKING HUG BUT YOUR FAT
ASS HAD TO EAT HER FACE!
CUT BACK TO:
The table scene, but we can hear now.
MATT (CONT'D)
(his speech contiguous
with that from before)
AND WHEN SHE WAS GONNA GIVE ME HER
NUMBER, YOU GOT US ARRESTED! AND
SHE FUCKING OVERHEARD YOUR BULLSHIT
COMMENTS!
Normal Desmond (as we are back in the normal world now) is
aghast, as is everyone else but Matt.
MATT (CONT'D)
(his speech contiguous
with that from before)
LIKE WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!? FUCK
YOUR BURRITO HANDS! AND FUCK YOU
FOR PUTTING COCA-COLA IN YOUR GIANT
ASS COURTESY CUP BACKPACK. AND FUCK
YOUR CANNIBALISM! YOU ATE
MARIANNA'S FACE! YOU. ATE.
MARIANNA'S. FACE! YOU ATE
MARIANNA'S FACE! YOU!
While Matt continues yelling "YOU ATE MARIANNA'S FACE!", and
the crowd continues being aghast, the aforementioned Marianna
grimly makes her way through the crowd till she is near the
table.
Matt is still yelling, still oblivious, till he needs to
catch a breath. He does so, looking down and shaking his head
in disappointment at Desmond, and then he looks up.
His eyes go wide and his eyes take in the room and his eyes
see Marianna and
BLACKOUT