Sometimes Your World Just Breaks

Later that evening, Rogar sat in his quarters aboard the Cherry Blossom pondering the flask of synesthesia on the table next to him. It was one of the very few things Rogar had encountered that could actually incapacitate him for any length of time. Although flavorful, it wasn’t just a any liquor, it was one of Gideon’s clever creations. Gideon had explained it once but the gist of it was that the synesthesia randomly blended, exchanged and overlapped the senses. It actually let you taste colors, smell textures, and hear light; a bizarre, but mind expanding experience to be sure. He remembered the night Gideon had invented it. Jinmu had ended up passing out on him after she had licked his fur for a half hour. That had been both delightful and horrifying, but he had managed to control himself.

He didn’t think she had any clue of the one secret he kept from her, and that was how he felt it must be, for now. She had enough to deal with these days without adding that to her mountain of burdens. It would be nice to try Gideon’s blend without worrying about the others, or her. Judging by her stack of papers Jinmu would be busy with the reports most of the night. She had been spending far too much time keeping the herd of shazzles moving in a productive direction.

He missed her company. She had so much to do these days that she was always attending some meeting on the fate of the universe, usually treating with some representative that couldn’t talk straight if he was nearby. Jinmu used that to her advantage occasionally. She really was getting the hang of this. He decided he would talk to her tomorrow about getting some sort of clerk or assistant to help with some of the drudgery.

As far as him taking the night off as she had suggested...where else was she safer than here? The ship itself was practically his home now, and it was heavily guarded in the Heidgard capital’s spaceport. What harm could there be in a little relaxation?

After combat training with the few marines left on board and a shower, Rogar returned to his room. He stared at the bottle of synesthesia for while, he finally decided no harm would come of it. After a few drinks, Rogar set the flask back on his table. His new armor sat in the corner nearby and smelled absolutely amazing. He got halfway across the room for a closer wiff when something slammed into him and knocked him to the floor. Odd, the synesthesia hadn’t done anything like that the last time he tried it. Shaking his head to clear it he was reminded of the time Gwin had had him help with repairs by holding a few things in the engine room. A power coupler or something had come loose and sent an arc through Rogar nearly jolting his teeth loose.

Rogar rolled over and looked around the room. Empty. He started to get up and the force ripped through him again, accompanied with a glimpse of Jinmu in his mind’s eye. Her face was contorted with pain. Rogar blinked the image from his eyes and bolted from his room, and down to Jinmu’s quarters. He skidded and ricocheted of the walls a bit on the way there, due mainly to the effects of the synesthesia. It was damn hard to run when you had to smell where to put your feet.

…..................

Gideon was in his praying for guidance as he did each time he began to write down another one of Jinmu and her follower's stories about their mission from the Prophet for the Evangelium Secundum Gideon, or the Gospel according to Gideon in urthish. There was loud hammering on his door which shook the room. "Come in", Gideon bid as Lexad entered, "or should I say I surrender with such a battering knock."

"Sorry Philosophus, but Jinmu is missing, she's been gone for hours no one has seen her", Brother Lexad explained.

"I'm sure she's just hiding out, she has alot of pressure on her now, did you talk to Rogar", Gideon asked?

"We went to find him he's in his room licking the walls and talking to his ceramsteel armor, we thought it best to leave him alone in his current state", Lexad informed him a little too loudly.

"Yes I guess that would be a good idea. Did you activate the tracking device", Philosophus Vespers inquired.

"We tried to ping it and got nothing we also sent a message to Gwin he says he's working on it", Lexad said in an attempt to seem thorough.

"Do you want me to try to find her", Gideon suggested?

"If you would Philosophus", Lexad requested. Gideon prayed for momentary contact with the oneness of the Pancreators all seeing eye, all space blurred together then he brought down his focus to the Twilight system and began delving for Jinmu through the oath and connection they shared. He couldn't find her, he tried again nothing. Gideon began to worry wondering if she left system some how.

"How long exactly has she been gone", Philosophus Vespers demanded?

"Three hours ago was the last time anyone had seen her give or take", Lexad replied nervously.

"Not eight hours for sure", Gideon interogated?

"No a large ammount of people saw her five hour ago at the most", Brother Lexad confirmed. "Did you see her Philosophus?"

"No", he said with the bitter taste of failure in his mouth, what would he tell her father he'd promised to keep her safe. He wished Sibyl was her she could look back into the past and find what happend to her. "There must be a place with protection against divination most likely somewhere aboard the Heidgard space station. Let me prepare we may have to tear that place apart." Gideon discarded his robes and equipted his plastic chainmail space suit, his bow, quiver, Manifest light combat knife vestment.

"I swear if Jinmu is alright I'm going to be very angry with her", Gideon said.  It was that Rogar roar over the ships come.

…..........................................................

Rogar found the door was locked but he barely noticed as he ripped it loose from its hinges. Empty. She was gone...hurting and gone...where? His mind whirled. How would he find her. He could search the ship in a matter of minutes but his gut told him she wasn’t aboard the Cherry Blossom. Then a single thought seized him...Gideon! He slammed open the comm panel and shouted into the mic.

“Gideon! I need you in my room NOW!” barely containing the panic in his voice. He raced back, and clambered into his armor. He had just finished strapping in as as Philosophus Gideon skidded to a halt outside the door.

“Rogar,” he said while trying to catch his breath.

“It’s Jinmu. She is in trouble,” he said through the haze of the synesthesia. “She’s hurt and is missing...can you find her?”

“Hurt? How do you...”

“If I’m right, there’s no time to explain,” Rogar interjected.

“Very well,” Gideon said as he closed his eyes and furled his brow then his face fell, “I sense...nothing...”

Rogar howled as another wave of force crashed through his mind, knocking him to the floor.

At the sight of some evidence of Rogar’s claims, Gideon seemed to regain some of his composure and got on their whisper pins asking if anyone had seen their liege lady and explained the events of the last few minutes. Rogar was out cold.

Rogar’s massive frame was nearly impossible to move normally, even moreso encased in his armor. Gideon had settled on sitting in a nearby chair and watching over him. Gideon had called on the PanCreator to access the wyrd sight in hopes of finding a clue to Jinmu’s whereabouts. What he did not expect were the energy flows radiating from Rogar’s unconscious form. The flows gradually faded from his wyrd sight as Rogar came to.

“Gideon...purge me,” Rogar implored, “I need what little wit I have if I’m to be of use.”

Gideon placed his hands on Rogar’s head and obliged him. What was left of the Synesthesia rocketed out of his throat and smeared the floor with the most disgusting smelling puddle of rainbows and bile.

“Did anyone find her? How long was I out?” Rogar asked

“You’ve been out long enough for us to sweep the whole ship. No sign of Jinmu since shortly after lunch today. Lexad went to find Keel. He was planning to sup with some of the local merchants and traders...hoping to broker some reasonable deals for the supplies the other ships were bringing in on Jinmu’s command.”

Stillia heard the commontion and poked her head into the room, “What is all this rushing and shooting for?”

“Jinmu is missing!” exclaimed both Gideon and Rogar at the same time.

"She not missing, she told me she was going out for awhile", Stella informed them.

"What!”  they both shouted.

"Yah she said she was going to be gone awhile and to give you some papers if she didn't come back in about 24 hours from now", Stella explained.

"Give us the papers now", Gideon requested.

"I can't do that I promised, don't worry she'll be fine, she can take care of herself now boys. Oh and clean that up I don't want whatever that is eating through my hull", Stella ordered.

At this pont Lexad and Keel in the middle of a heated discussion.

"I don't get why you're so freaked out," Keel said.

"What the hell do you mean?" Lexad demanded, "You're supposed to be protecting her too! It's, like, an oath for your liege lord!"

"Uh, dunno if you caught on to this, Oblate, but Jinmu’s my liege lord now...we're about to start a civil war and a church schism; I'm pretty sure Xeno's gonna disown me...and her. If she wants to take off in the middle of a city run by her newest allies, and get drunk or something, I guess that's her prerogative."

"But I can't find her, even with..." Gideon said softly.

"Oh, shit, well that...wait. Well then, it's obvious where she is."

"It is?" Rogar grunted, "Do tell."

"Who's the only person on this planet, that we know of, that's able to resist Gideon's power?"

“Guyvus.” Rogar growled.

“Bingo. I’ll give you one guess where he is,” Keel replied.

“Keel, get this ship in the air. Now,” Rogar rumbled “Please.” he amended as his gaze locked with Keel’s.

“I’ll let Sasha know we’re coming so she doesn’t fry us,” Keel called over his shoulder as he headed for the bridge. He had seen the look Rogar got in his eyes when Jinmu was in trouble before. Keel wasted no time because this looked a hundredfold worse.

...

“PanCreator help him if he has harmed her,” Rogar muttered as he paced the halls. It was then that Rogar noticed the blistering wave of pain had not come for some time, and he howled sorrowfully. “I’ll hunt him down and kill him, if it takes me a hundred lifetimes!”

…

Rogar lept from the ship’s airlock before Keel could land, a hundred or so yards away from the terraformer. He dashed to the terraformer door and Sasha opened the door.

“You’re bigger than Dron’s other friends,” Sasha observed as Rogar ducked inside the door, “Please try not to bump into anything, eh big boy? You could hurt yourself and me.”

“Where is he?” Rogar asked the rage in his voice barely constrained.

“Dron? He’s on the second level, barracks section... the crew showers are active. You’ll probably find him there. I’ll show you the way. You may follow the lights on the floor if you like.” Rogar barely let her finish before he darted down the hall winding his way through the passage ways. An open door appeared as he turned a corner with light and mist spilling into the hallway. As he entered the small dressing room, Dron entered naked and wet, from a door on the right. In less than a heartbeat Rogar had seized his throat in his massive hand and held Dron against the wall several feet from the floor.

“Where is My Jinmu, Guyvus!” he roared, ‘What have you done?! I felt the lightning rip through her...WHERE IS..”

“Rogar!” Jinmu called to him from the other room, her voice full of concern, “I’m here, I’m fine...what happened? What lightning?”

Dron slid down the wall coughing as Rogar released him and turned to embrace Jinmu as she entered the room. Rogar’s gaze fell upon Jinmu as she entered, but paused as he noticed she was as nude as Dron. “What did he do to you? Did he force himself on you?” Rogar asked softly as tears welled up in his eyes.

“No. He was a complete gentleman. It was... my idea actually...” She looked down for a moment in thought. Playing for some time to think, she reached for a towel and wrapped it snugly around her. Once she had composed herself she looked back at Rogar, “I’m sorry if you were worried about me. But I really am fine. I figured you’d be upset that I snuck away, but I also didn’t think you’d react all that well to letting me go off by myself.” She smiled shyly at the last.

Lexad tromped in, at this point, flux sword lit up and a rifle in his left hand. The Adept Robes grew very still, very rapidly, then lurched away. Lexad’s amplified voice came out of it, tinny and booming all at the same time. “Dammit, dammit, dammit, I hate escorting people, it’s so much harder than killing people! Now I’m going to have to do all kinds of stupid penance...”

“But what is this about lightning? And why would you assume Dron had hurt me in some way?” and with that Jinmu crossed her arms and gave Rogar a raised eyebrow. Actually, she was quite happy to deflect the issue away from herself and her newly claimed freedoms.

Rogar briefly described the last couple hours from the first pains to their search for her and their arrival here.

“That very well may have been me by the sound of it,” Dron said from the other side of the room. “I wondered why nothing happened here. I usually can’t let my guard down like that without destroying half of a room and causing harm to those around me. But that doesn’t explain why you felt it it,” he mused.

“Oh I have a fairly good hunch Jinmu. Remember our Promise? I told you it was a very serious decision.”

“What?! You felt some electrical shocks that Dron thinks he could have inadvertently created because of that silly little flower ritural?” She did not look happy at all.

“It’s not silly. But yes, through the Blood Vow,” he replied with some hesitation seeing Jinmu’s distress.

Then to everyone’s surprise she burst out, ”You mean to tell me that stupid ritual with your poison, my flower, and the wine was real?! I thought it was some blood brother thing you cooked up to keep me in line. You know please the little girl make her feel she is doing something big. Who does a blood ritual with wine!? And you said that your poison was in the cup and I didn’t even get an upset stomach. I figured you just faked it. But all this time it was real? Who asks a thirteen year old to make life changing decisions? Why would you do such a thing?”

Rogar shook his head, “Who asks a nineteen year old girl to run off and rewrite the Omega Gospels and initiate a war worse than anything since the last Emperor Wars? We did everything as of the old stories. All of it. Father Gar recommended the inclusion your flower and the wine though.”

She began pacing the room back and forth, “So it’s because of the Father Gar? He told you to do it?. You’re lucky I took it seriously at the time, my father really would have killed you if he had learned of it. He still would. So now you feel what I feel?” With that she found the hardest thing she could and kicked it. “Did that hurt?”, now hopping on one foot at she held her injured one, “I hope that hurt,” she murmured.

“It’s nothing compared to the other things I’m feeling right now...,” Rogar huffed and turned to face Dron, ”Guyvus. You had best be sincere in this matter. If this is a one time thing... fine. If it continues... Fine. But you will treat her properly. Her last boyfriend didn’t and that went Very poorly for little Harriman. I hear he still has trouble with firm handshakes these days. You strike me as much smarter than him though... so don’t disappoint me.”

“I don’t intend to, but be aware if anything happens to me, before I get a chance to change my contingencies... well let’s just say no one wants that. Including me.” Dron explained, with a look that said I’ll be ready for you next time.

“You already know this would have gone differently had she been harmed. As it stands, “ Rogar sighed, “I have no reason to do anything other than what I have always done.”

Jinmu fell to the floor crying, “I was only thirteen! How was I to fully understand what this meant? Oh by the creator! Now you can never be safe. I just don’t understand if this bond works like you said why would it think me in danger when I wasn’t. I wasn’t even hurting.” She looked up at him, “Does this mean you feel everything I feel?”

“Some claim there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. Though I must admit I’m a little surprised as well. After that time you broke your arm I began to wonder if there was any truth to it. But it seems to be some threshold or emotion that triggers it.”

“Oh by all that is holy! Does that mean your going to get electrocuted every time I.....I... well you know...,” she wailed in even deeper distress and embarrasment.

“Well if what Dron says is true, it may have been whatever portion of his talent that was uncontrolled at the time and didn’t have anything to do with... that. Which by the way Should be none of my business as long as everything is fine.” He shot a warning glance at Dron.

“Oh leave him alone,” she snapped. “I’m certainly old enough to decide who I sleep with and how often.”

“I know...it’s that... I just... hoped the choice would be someone else... someone you’ve known longer. No offense Guyvus,” with that, much of the wind seemed to leave his sails, something she rarely saw him wear, an aura of defeat. Dron looked like he was going to say something, but paused as though he perceived something deeper in what Rogar was saying and decided not to speak.

She folded back onto the floor feeling drained, tears rolling down her face, “I just didn’t realize,” she murmured. “I really am getting tired of greater powers mucking up my life,” she pouted. She sat for a time and slowly a thought came to her, “What other feelings Rogar?”

“It’s nothing I want to talk about given current company.” Rogar mumbled.

“I can leave,” Dron offered, “Plenty of things to be working on and the mood is tenser than I care for around here right now.”

“No.” Rogar said shaking his head, “You stay here with her for now. I’ve got some heavy thinking to do and I need to find a good hiding spot. Not necessarily in that order. She’s got wind of this now and won’t rest until she has pried it out of me. Enjoy the rest of the evening if you can. My evening... well that’s another matter entirely...” he trailed off as turned and left. Somehow smaller than she remembered him.

As soon as Rogar left the room Jinmu jumped up looking at the closed door deep in thought. “Nope,” she mumbled, “He not getting off that easy.” She spun and moved to get her clothes back on.

“I take it we won’t get to enjoy the rest of the evening?” he asked frowning, clearly enjoying the view as she started putting her clothes back on.

She moved over to him and gave him a sweet kiss in apology, “I sorry but I do have people I should talk to, like Gideon and Rogar.” She looked again at the door, “He’s not acting.....himself but I can’t put my finger on it.” Then she gave him another quicker kiss, “Besides I have been here awhile as is and I do actually have work to do. But don’t worry I’ll be bugging you again.”

In short order she finished dressing and raced out of the room.

Dron turned to one of the wall cameras, “Sasha, new security protocol...”

….....

Jinmu returns to Ship

Gideon finished cleaning the ship at Stella's request, He thought to himself of all those dalliance he prevented so that Jinmu could end up with Dron. Dron nearly all of the misery in his life Dron, Emberspark had been around, the loss Ithuna, Dron took Sibyl away to be free on Kun Lun, and now Jinmu had tricked him for her desire for Dron. Gideon had to admit most of those things weren't Dron's fault but his shadow fell over all these events, Gideon could only pray that Dron wouldn't return the feelings for Jinmu or be overcome by the Synethesia. Gideon still felt like he had more penance to perform and returned to his room he hadn't felt the need flagellate himself since some of the things he had to do on Stigmatta but now he did. He went over to the door and locked it, and stripped down to his waist kneeling holding a corded leather scrouge he thought to himself maybe nothing happened he wouldn't ...., no he'd facilitated Jinmu's efforts with Dron even if he hadn't guessed them. Gideon began flogging himself, he fought the urge to wince or cry out, soon blood flowed freely down his back this continued until he lost track of time and his strength began to fade. He heard a knock at the door.

"Not now Gideon", rasped hoarsely, his body cover with sweat and blood.

"Gideon, please I need to talk to you", Jinmu asked?

"Give me a moment", Gideon looked around and realized that he couldn't clean the blood that was on the floor and walls fast enough he quick took out bandages from his healer kit and bound himself then threw on his darkest colored robe and pulled the cowl up over his face. Gideon stumbled over to the door and opened it a crack to see Jinmu standing there worriedly. "Yes Jinmu", Gideon answered in a weak voice.

"Can I come in", Jinmu inquired with a pleading look in her eye.

"I was cleaning my space suit in there among other things it's not fit for habitation yet", he informed her.

"We can go to my cabin", Jinmu offered.

"Alright", Gideon accepted. He made sure the lights were off before he left the doorway and closed the door behind him. He fought waves of dizziness as he struggled to walk without outward signs of distress.

"Would you take a seat", Jinmu inquired?

"I'd prefer to stand", Gideon told her.

"Please sit down", Jinmu begged. Without even a little bit of his ussual grace Gideon kneeled down and sat on his heels.

"Are you alright Gideon", Jinmu asked somewhat concerned.

"I'm fine just a little light headed from the Vorox spew and other things", Gideon informed her. "Please tell me what you needed to talk to me about?"

"Dron and I ...", she began telling him, Gideon could tell by the look on her face that'd made love. Cold sweat ran down his back causing his lashes to sting annew.

"Before you say anything else, let me tell you that there is too much painfull history between Dron and I, you and anyone else an I could still be your Confessor, but Dron, too much of my personal history is involved in my mind for me to hear your confessions about him. If you feel you still need a confessor I'm sure one of the Eskatonic Worldshapers would be able to hear them. If you want I'll still be your Advisor and Chronicler, though even before I had been thinking I might better serve you by going out and preaching to the peasants of the Known World's and trying to get every one I could to join our cause, but only if it's alright with you", Gideon revealed.

Jinmu looked at Gideon in surprise. She pulled a seat up near where he was kneeling.

“Hummmm, I see.” she said and sat silent for a few moments more. “I think first off you should know I didn’t come to you here as my confessor. I came to you because I was worried you’d think I had deliberately tricked you. I honestly was planning a small party when I requested the drinks from you.” She sat back and waved her hand vaguely in the air, “I just changed my mind is all. Every plan I came up with, I saw Dron either not showing up at all or just faking. And I do admit my main goal at the time was to see him get plastered. It was only a game for me; an amusement.”

She leaned forward and took hold of his hands intending to say how sorry she was that he might think it was otherwise, but as she clasped his hand, she noticed him wince. “Are you sure you are all right?” she asked, concerned.

Gideon put on a brave face and started to assure her that he was fine but, on a hunch, Jinmu quickly pulled his hands up to her lap and saw him grimace and his shoulders twitch. “What is wrong with you?” she said again. She abruptly stood up, making him raise his hands even higher, and this time a small gasp of pain escaped.

Letting go of his hands Jinmu started to circle around the priest, looking at him closely. The back of his robe was pulled tight across his back, as a result of it getting tucked around his legs when he knelt to sit. She saw slight bumps along his back. She noted that he had begun to turn as she circled, but then stopped. Tentatively she reached out a hand and ran it down his back. Her fingers felt the bandages plastered there and where she had lightly pressed, blood began to seep through.

Gideon had gasped in pain when she touched his back. He had tried to get up, but found that he didn’t have the strength to, so only leaned forward resting part of his weight on his hands.

“Who hurt you?” she demanded. She was shocked, and disturbed by the fact that he would hide it, as well. Then a horrid thought popped up, “Was it Rogar? on the Syn?”she asked wide eyed.

Gideon realized at once that he could not let Rogar take the blame for this. “No child it wasn’t him.”

“Then who? How?” she was heating up in anger that someone would do this to this gentle man.

Gideon sighed knowing he really couldn’t hide it from her. Jinmu had a way of digging in her heels, and she wouldn’t let go until she knew the answer.

“I did it to myself, as penance."

And she had thought that he was out of surprises... A range of emotions boiled up in her; confusion, sympathy, worry and then anger. Her rage won the tug of war inside her.

“You stupid man!” she said through clenched teeth. “Why would you do this? Because you thought I had tricked you? Even if I had, it would have been nothing more than a school-girl prank, certainly not worth this blood and pain. If I had had a clue you would do this to yourself, I would have come and told you I had changed my mind!”

“Or was it because of my virginity? Which, I would like to point out, you didn’t know was gone until now. Why not wait and beat yourself after you knew for sure what had happened? I could have passed out right away from the Syn. Or maybe Dron would have. Or maybe it would have gone as I had planned and we’d just got a little high and drunk, and played some darts. I certainly don’t need chemicals to make a pass at man! Plus, my virginity has always been some lame veil to explain why I had so many body guards with me on my pilgrimage. That is rather moot now, don’t you think?”

"Your father's goal--" Gideon began.

"Has nothing to do with anything, any more!" she ground out, jaw locked.

The sight of his bleeding wounds made her so angry that she just wanted to yell at him, but instead she lowered her voice and spoke in a harsh low tone. "What? Is it that you think Dron will somehow corrupt me; or make my life more dangerous?” She circled to the front of him, partly because seeing him bleeding was literally making her ill.

Once there, she crouched to eye level. "I hate to tell you, but no matter what Dron has done, no matter if you just think he’s bad luck or evil, it does not compare to me. I will not be bringing love and peace to the Known Worlds. I am doing my duty, but that duty will surely result in hundreds of thousands of deaths. I bring civil war, and those are the bloodest of all wars. Not to mention that our enemies will take advantage of any internal weakness to press the advantage on their fronts, hiking the numbers that will die. In the very near future, I may have the blood of millions on my hands. There is nothing Dron has done that will compare to that. And if you’re thinking he’s an arch-heretic, well I’m bringing Reformation; to the current powers that be, I will be the Arch-Heretic. Not only will I be reforming the Church, but also commanding people to willingly expose themselves to the demons that sleep in the Dark Between. I am most likely condemning my own home world to death. It would not be unrealistic to believe that the Church will see it turned to dust, making what happened here at Twilight seem like a spring storm. I am going to use a whole planet of people as guinea pigs..." she trailed off, the enormity of it once again crushing down on her, making her breath come shallow and rapid.

She took a deep breath and tried to calm the quaver inside her. "So what corruption could you possibly believe that Dron would bring about that the Pancreator hasn’t already placed on me? And as to danger...he will not be increasing mine, in truth it is I who will be making more enemies for him."

She paused staring into Gideon’s eyes, she simply couldn’t fathom why he had done this. She saw his pain, and wanted to soothe it, but then realization dawned on her. “But those marks aren’t about me, or Dron, are they? If they had been, you would have come to the terraformer. You would have waited to know if you really had anything to feel guilty about.” Even as she said the words, she knew they were true. Her anger started to fade and was replaced by pity.

Gideon looked up at her, and said quietly, "When Dron isn't around I can keep the thoughts of my failings out of my mind, but not with him here.”

She smiled gently at him, ““I am so sorry. I can’t take away your guilt; I would if I could. And I am sorry, but you are going to have to find what peace you can. You want to leave, but you can’t--not yet. You have too much work to do here yet. We both have a duty.” She took his hands and gave them a small squeeze.

Gideon knew she was right, “I will learn to deal with it, since you still need me.”

He wanted her to understand, and tried to explain a bit more of why he’d done this to himself, his need to do it. “All Eskatonics are encouraged to keep themselves humble, by what ever means necessary; it can have terrible consequences if you don't. Before I met Ithuna, I was a seething cauldron of divine rage and too proud especially on Stigmata. Rage and pride can have terrible effects on your soul--even more so if you use theurgy.”

His grip on her hands strengthened as he continued, “I've been calling on the Pancreator too often, and as the battles near, I fear I will once again become what I was on my darkest days on Stigmata. The situation with you and Dron was just a catalyst.”

He saw the sadness in her eyes for his pain and grief. It moved him to his very soul, “Now it seems that you are my confessor, but perhaps now that is as it should be.”

Jinmu finally moved to help him up, saying, “Use the time we have here to make peace with your past, because I am also sorry to tell you that your future is not much better than mine. There will be a time when you will have to go among the people and preach. You will have to spread the reforms and trust me during those days you will learn about regret anew.” She had softened now, all her anger gone.

Now he saw that the sadness wasn't just for him, but for herself too. She did need him, he thought, in more ways then she knew. “I feel some solace knowing that you weren't intending to deceive me,” he said to help give her some comfort back.

Gently, he touched her young face, she deserved what happiness she could find. He supposed that even if it was Dron, he shouldn’t begrudge her that. She was right; he really couldn’t do anything to her that the Pancreator hadn’t already laid at her feet. Maybe he could even seek a little of his own happiness. “I have a favor to ask. Would you ask Dron for the jump key to Kun Lun at some point? I'd like to see Sibyl again."

Jinmu smiled warmly at him, wanting to give him what she could, “Of course I will. And if for some reason he can’t give you the key, I will find a way for you to see her again, safely.” She squeezed his hands and said, “I promise.”

“But only if you have your wounds tended to,” she said, her mouth tightening.

Gideon managed a smile at that and said, "Alright child I will, I also promise. And, I can make it on my own.”

She looked unsure, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, see, I can walk fine on my own; a little stiff but fine.” he said, passing through the doorway and into the hall.

Jinmu watched him for a few steps and then called out to him, “Gideon!”

He turned back somewhat surprised--she never used his first name,”Yes?”

“Remember what I said about betrayal,” she said. He looked at her for a long moment, and then nodded. Turning, he headed down the hall away from her. Jinmu closed the door and leaned back against it. Tears slid down her face as she wept for Gideon.

An Apology for Rogar

Jinmu’s day had grown very long, but the night before was so worth today. She let out a small smile as she thought of it. And she started to wonder when she’d be able see Dron again. She let out a deep sigh that carried a mix of contentment and exasperation. Technically her day had started yesterday evening, with Rogar choking Dron. Thankfully it had ended peacefully if not a little strangely. Then it was followed closely with Gideon and his personal revelations to her.

After a day like that any sane person would have gone to bed. But instead she had spent the rest of the night searching for Rogar. Evidently he had found a good hiding spot... not an easy task for a ten foot tall Vorox. When night faded she had to move on to other tasks. First was the review with the engineers about the terraforming plans for Twilight. She had actually got a little shut eye during that one. Twenty or so engineers arguing over one detail or another hadn’t noticed the noble had nodded off for a bit. During her later appointment with the Duke there were no such opportunities, and she actually did learn quite a bit about supply lines and troop logistics.

Now she was back to looking for Rogar. She was actually kinda of surprised and worried that he had left her alone this long. He definitely wasn’t acting normal. She certainly had plenty of time to think last nights events over. She had been too hard on him about the Blood Vow. Rogar took her safety very seriously and to put her in danger of any kind would mean he felt very strongly about what the Gar Father had asked him to do. After all here he was following her around the Galaxy sacrificing everything he might have had or been in his old life for her sake. In return he would very soon become one of the most wanted heretics in the Known Worlds. All because She claimed the PanCreator had told her to fix what the Prophet had left undone. Rogar had trusted her implicitly in that matter. When she had first talked with him about it his reaction wasn’t one of disbelief. He only asked what the plan was. So dependable, so constant. Who was she to berate him about a ritual that hadn’t even made her a little ill.

But the fact remained that she blamed him and accused him of being unfair to her. Well it hadn’t been right and she knew it had hurt him deeply. He put so much trust in her and yet she couldn’t bring herself to do the same with him. She knew he was tormenting himself over this.

She thought it was in part because he might feel guilty that he had risked her life performing the rite of the Blood Vow. But if anyone knew how useless it is to go against your god it was Jinmu. Her original purpose in seeking him out had been to pry the reason for his strange behavior out of him. Now that she had given it more consideration she felt confident she already had the answer she sought. She continued to search for him because she wanted to apologize and see what could be done to make it up to him. But finding him was a whole different issue.

“I guess I could put myself in some life threatening situation and then he’d have to come to me,” she mused to herself. Instead she contented herself with inquiring among the crew and servants. A vorox did tend to stand out in a crowd.

…...

Rogar had commandeered a shuttle up to the Hawkwood orbital battlestation under the pretense of investigating security measures. He was confident this would buy him at least a couple hours to think. He stood on the space side observation deck pondering the vast emptiness before him. Everything had happened so fast last night. Jinmu was a grown woman capable of her own decisions. Emphasis on the grown part. He sighed repressing the memory of her alluring naked form entering the room where he had held Dron against the wall by his throat.

He had known deep down that this day would come sooner or later. She was the heir to a planet after all. She would need to be married and continue her line for the sake of her family and their vassals. Rogar had always thought he would have time to steel himself against this day once her mother and father had settled on an appropriate suitor. But headstrong Jinmu decided to take that matter into her own hands and had completely blindsided him.

He knew she hadn’t done it to be cruel, she was oblivious of the flame she kindled deep within him. But that was a poor balm for the gash last night had rent in his heart. To be empty like space and not feel any of this might be a blessing he pondered. That was how Dron coped with life. Though beneath that cynical and icy detachment was a deeply wounded soul.

Up until last night though, Rogar didn’t think the cynicism was working so well for Dron. Life didn’t seem to have a point without joy or someone to share it with. If only Jinmu had been born a Vorox or he a human. Bah, even if he was human she was still a noble and she would be way out of his league as the son of an herbalist. Though, what was better... an herbalist’s son or an Arch Heretic?

He and Dron seemed to have a mutually lethal understanding of each other. Either one was fully capable of severely harming the other but nothing had ever given them cause to do so. Either of them doing so now would only harm Jinmu. That was one of the last things Rogar wanted to do.

Rogar’s thoughts wandered back to the day he had met Jinmu. Up until now Rogar had always wondered about the suffering Father Gar had foretold. His life had its share of ups and downs to be sure. But nothing he experienced since his brother had died truly felt like suffering. Until now. Come to think of it, he and Dron shared a deep similarity. Jinmu had come to both of them when they were in pain and done what she could to mend them. After the human poachers had slain his brother in cold blood for a handful of firebirds, Rogar had very little desire for humans other than to kill them. Jinmu’s trust and adoration slowly drug him back from the edge of that dark abyss.

Rogar begrudgingly admitted Dron’s healing did have a certain appeal to it though. Yet how permanent was it? Dron seemed like he was drowning in a sea of mistrust and sorrow. After rescuing a drowning man by pulling him into your boat what did you do? Spend the rest of your life with them? No you put them ashore and went off to live your life. Maybe this infatuation with Dron might not be as permanent of a fixation as Rogar feared. Perhaps she’d eventually put Dron ashore as well. But by the same token, Rogar fervently hoped she wouldn’t put him ashore instead.

Rogar’s reverie was interrupted by the appearance of a familiar scent and those nearly silent footfalls. She had found him, even here. He wondered momentarily if the bond worked both ways. Apprehension gripped him mercilessly... he might be headed for dry land at this very moment.

...

With her head bowed she approached, “Rogar?”

His back was to her, so she couldn’t see his expression but he gave out a soft moan and his shoulders sagged. Yes, she thought, he is more sad than angry. So he was either disappointed in her and her behavior or he thought she was disappointed in him.

She decided to try and address the later first as she could reassure him she wasn’t upset with him. “I’m sorry I yelled at you yesterday. I understand about the Blood Vow, really I do. I was just angry because for all these years I had thought it was nothing more than a childhood game. For you it was so much more. I remember you telling me that the night we enacted the vow. If you asked me to do it again today I would in a heartbeat.” she said gently, touching him gently on the back hoping he’d turn around.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to have this conversation with you Jinmu, “ he said, still not facing her. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for it.” Then he added, “But I’m glad you understand at least that much.”

Jinmu was still concerned. He had accepted her apology in his own way, yet the air of tension still hung heavily around him and he wouldn’t look at her. Maybe she was wrong, perhaps he was disappointed in her and was actually disgusted with her thinking her wonten, dishonored. What could she say to convince him otherwise. A wave of grief and disappointment rolled through her, she’d hate for Rogar to think less of her.

“I am sorry if I have disappointed you. But I can’t tell you I’m sorry about Dron. It would be a lie if I told you that.” She began to feel frustrated, she just didn’t know what to do, “I wish I knew how to make things right between us. Even if our lives were normal I wouldn’t have stayed a maiden for ever you know; life is anything but normal for us these days.”

Rogar remained silent, his only motion a slight tremble now and then. Jinmu started to fight the tears she felt pooling in her eyes. She didn’t really know what to do so she tried to explain, hoping to make him understand.

“I really wasn’t planning to bed him. But now looking back I realize I’ve been growing fond of him, and even to care about him. When I was around him I felt... I do feel like anything is possible. Just being around him makes me want to laugh. Seeing and hearing him laugh brings such a joy to my heart. He so needs to laugh, Rogar. It’s like he has shut himself away from the world. He acts cold and distant to everyone to keep them and him safe, but it makes him so sad. Then last night with the drinks and Syn he was smiling and laughing and all that joy, I just...” Jinmu searched for the word to describe it to Rogar. But before she could Rogar gave a gut wrenching cry.

Jinmu stepped back in total surprise and tears finally broke free. “Oh, Rogar I’m sorry, I can’t bear you being so.... disappointed in me. Please tell me what can I do to make things right with you.” She was crying now afraid he would never talk to her again. She just didn’t know what to say to Rogar so she stood there sobbing, waiting for him to say something, anything.

“Are you going to send me away?” Rogar asked so softly Jinmu almost hadn’t heard him, “Now that you have Dron to protect you?”

Jinmu stared at Rogar surprised, choking back her sobs she asked, “What would possibly give you that idea?”

“Well, he’s clever, resourceful, and can do things I could never dream of... like disabling whole spaceships with a snap of his fingers. I could stop a whole ship too, it just takes me longer to hunt them all down.”

Jinmu was just stunned. This is what had been bothering Rogar? She would have never guessed. Rogar was strong, gentle, wise and second to none. She was astounded that he’d think she’d want him to leave, ever. She couldn’t imagine him being gone, just not being there. It was as wrong as the sun not rising in the morning. She began crying again at the mere thought of it.

Pausing to pull herself together a bit she said, “And Gideon can do Theurgy and you can’t I don’t know what one has to do with the other. Yes, Dron is very useful but so are you. I mean he can’t tear a man apart with his bare hands. If you weren’t around who’d advise me?” Wiping her tears away on her sleeve she continued, “I mean Dron’s advice usually involves blowing something up. It’s not always the most productive course of action. Without you who would calm me down when I get really angry? You’ve always...” Jinmu pause a moment but then continued, “you have always been there for me.”

Roger's voice caught it his throat. It was oddly rough as though he might cry. Jinmu couldn’t remember seeing him cry... she wasn’t even sure Vorox could cry. He took in a deep breath, sighed, and straightened himself up. He turned to face her and looked at her with those kind eyes glistening with fresh tears.

Her sobbing slowed. She moved closer to Rogar and ran her hand over the soft wet fur on his cheek, “I’d never send you away Rogar. Nor would I presume to keep you against your will. So if you do hate me now and want to leave.....”

“No. Leaving you would be the one thing I couldn’t bear. I could never hate you Jinmu,” he said honestly, “not even if you set the whole universe on fire.”

“Good. Because I most likely will,” she stated bitterly.

Rogar smiled softly at her, “Little one, there is nothing you could do that would make me want nothing to do with you. We’re bonded remember. Even without that though, you mean far too much to me. “

“So are we good then?” she asked

Rogar nodded and drew her closer, “As for your new found... recreational activities... you’re right. You are a grown woman and things have changed. The world as everyone knows it is about to change. You could stand a little happiness in the face of what is to come.”

He lightly combed her hair with one of his massive paws easing her head to rest against him wrapping her in his gentle embrace. “I want you to be happy,” he told her. It was true but it broke his heart at the same time. Happy and with me he added in his heart. He hated keeping the truth from her, but this was one burden he could bear for her. One burden he knew would probably crush her.

Jinmu felt the tightness in her chest ease as Rogar embraced her. Things were going to be alright and he didn’t hate her. With delight she snuggled into him as was her habit to relax in his warmth.

“You know we'll need to tell your father about Dron at some point. Unless you don’t plan on keeping him.” Rogar asked playfully.

The worry and tension that had knotted her guts was dissipating. Now that she was finally able to relax a little the lack of sleep was catching up fast. She yawned and joked, “He tasted yummy. I think I’ll keep him for now.” Luckily for Rogar her eyes were closed and she didn’t see his face wrinkle. Then she wiggled into an even more comfortable position.

“Would it be ok if I took a little nap here, I’m actually kind of tired,” she said with a little yawn. Rogar could feel her whole body relaxing in his arms as she snuggled against him.

“I had secured a room for my stay here. We might as well make use of it before we leave. I don’t think the commander would take kindly to us blocking up his halls. I’m a pretty large fire hazard you know.” Jinmu was barely awake but still giggled at his joke. Rogar scooped her into his arms and carried her to his temporary quarters. Once there Jinmu roused long enough to let Rogar settle onto his bedding before she collapsed onto him and nestled into his fur. She drifted off to sleep with a smile on her face as his familiar and comforting scent filled her dreams with visions of summer nights long forgotten.

Rogar laid there enjoying Jinmu’s closeness. She was so close that he could feel her pulse. Simply laying here, breathing the same air with her was exquisite and agonizing. What horrible bliss. Her smell was intoxicating, and thankfully there was no hint of Dron’s scent about her. No he thought, this has nothing to do with him for now. This time is for her and I alone. He pushed thoughts of Dron from his mind and turned his attention to Jinmu’s slumbering form pressed against him. His heart ached, there was no distance between them physically and yet they were miles apart.

Rogar considered Father Gar’s words to him on that day long ago. His suffering would help save Father Gar’s children and so many more. Judging by what he felt right now... he was well on his way to saving millions. Their talk today had brought them far closer than they had been, even before last night. It would do. Inhaling deeply of her Rogar drifted off to sleep and dreamt of a world where they were the same.