INT. SURGERY ROOM
MELISSA, an overweight, middle-aged woman, is wheeled in on a
table. She's wearing a medical gown. Also in the room is
DOCTOR HAVERFORD, surgeon, DOCTOR KIM, general anaesthetist,
and ERIC, an intern shadowing doc haverford, and NURSES.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
Melissa, meet our general
anaesthetist, Doctor Kim.
MELISSA
Hello.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
He'll be putting you to sleep so
you don't experience any pain
during the operation.
MELISSA
(turning to doc kim)
Thank you.
DOCTOR KIM
Just doin' my job.
The table is brought into the center of the room, near all
the equipment.
DOCTOR KIM (CONT'D)
You ready? Any other questions?
MELISSA
Nope!
OK. Doctor Kim puts a mask over Melissa's mouth, delivering a
combination of gases that will knock her out for the
operation. He watches her face as well as some other signs,
adjusting the flow of the gas accordingly. After a while:
DOCTOR KIM
Ok. She's out.
Doc haverford releases a breath.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
Phew. Now that's out of the way -
was it me, or is that woman HUGE?
DOCTOR KIM
Oh yeah, totally. She is a FAT
woman.
Eric is cringing, although the nurses have no response.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
(manuevering towards the
table that has surgical
tools)
Fat like yo momma.
DOCTOR KIM
(continuing to finely
adjust a knob)
Oh no you didn't.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
This patient's so fat, she's an
organ donor for elephants.
They both laugh.
DOCTOR KIM
This patient's so fat, she's got a
gluteus maximus MAXIMUS!
They chuckle. Doctor Haverford is working with the tools,
slicing open Melissa's skin.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
This patient's so fat, she brought
down the health system just by
sitting on it!
They giggle as they both work.
DOCTOR KIM
This patient's so fat, we took her
X-rays with a weather radar!
They are laughing!
ERIC
Doc?
The Nurses saw this coming.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
(suddenly, solemnly)
ERIC! Don't interrupt me. This is a
very difficult bypass operation.
ERIC
I just think it's wrong that you're
calling this poor woman fat.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
Eric, you don't understand. This is
a very high-pressure situation for
me and Doctor Kim.
DOCTOR KIM
(while feeling Melissa's
pulse at her throat)
Yes. And mentally, we can keep
ourselves together MUCH better if
we can inject some mean jokes.
Otherwise, natural human empathy
can cause shaky fingers while
cutting someone open.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
We don't have the room for those
sort of mistakes, Eric. Melissa
doesn't.
Eric, feeling stupid, mutters an OK or something.
Doctor haverford keeps at it, occasionally asking for a nurse
to get an additional tool, or to clean an area out. Doctor
Kim is less involved at this point, but he is still paying
close attention.
ERIC
(tentatively)
Uhh...
ERIC (CONT'D)
This patient's so fat, the gown we
got her was a circus tent!
The doctors CHEER! Doc haverford drops his tools to hi-five
Eric, inadvertently slicing Melissa's skin. Blood starts
spurting from the thin slice.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
You've done something great today,
Eric. You may very well have just
saved this poor woman's life.
DOCTOR KIM
There are not many Doctors in this
country that can do what you do -
or not enough, anyway.
DOCTOR HAVERFORD
We'll see what we can do about
getting you on an accelerated track
towards physicianship.
Haverford and Eric shakes hands, blood spurting at them all
the while. Eric is smiling.
BLACKOUT.