Well. After reading this, I’m inclined to agree with those who claim the ‘fic is a troll. However, it needed killing very much. ~Terri Ryan, DOGA Archivist
Dafydd awoke to a pounding headache. He tried to move, but realised that it was not just his head that hurt. Staying where he was, then, he tried to bypass the pain and remember what had happened. All he could remember was something about a horde of Nac Mac Feegle. "What did they do," he muttered, "run me over?"
"You got in the way of their stampede," said a sanguine voice from off to his left. Fortunately, it was a familiar voice – but then, seeing as he could feel he was lying on the floor, he hadn't really thought he was in Medical. Opening his eyes, he turned his head and looked at his partner.
"And how did you escape?" he asked. "I remember you were there..."
"Yes, yes, everyone was there," Selene replied, amused, "but everyone else had the sense to get out of the way of a horde of little blue men shouting what were probably battle cries. Precisely why you didn't, I don't know."
"Stupidity is a family trait," he muttered, lifting himself onto one elbow and being rewarded by a jab of pain in his arm. In fact, he now remembered why he hadn't moved – he'd been too busy watching Constance. Frowning at the memory, he tried to lift himself onto his other elbow, and collapsed in agony.
As Selene watched, still more entertained than concerned, the elf closed his eyes and began to mutter under his breath. After a few moments, she realised it was a very quiet song – in context, probably a version of the healing song she'd heard about from Vemi. Her guess was proved correct when, on finishing the song, Dafydd sat upright with barely a grimace. "Right," he said, "Now-"
Thankfully, the console silenced itself before Dafydd could reach his sword. Mentally thanking Makes-Things, Selene got up from her chair and looked at the screen.
A moment later, she was cursing Makes-Things, both mentally and vocally, along with Upstairs, fanwriters, Tolkien, and anyone else even remotely connected to the PPC or Lord of the Rings.
Dafydd watched the vampire with a surprised, yet amused expression. "You know," he said, "this sort of thing is more my idiom than yours."
"You haven't seen this," hissed Selene, pointing at the console. Raising an eyebrow, Dafydd got up and wandered over. He only needed to see three words:
legolas, by Laura
"Sweet Cuiviénen..." He leant against the console. "Please tell me this is a joke."
"Upstairs don't do jokes," murmured Selene resignedly.
Dafydd shook his head. "But this thing... it's practically legendary. It's one of the worst LotR 'fics around. It's almost as infamous as 'Celebrían'..."
"Yeah, well, be thankful they haven't given us that to do, instead," snapped Selene. Dafydd nodded, emphatically agreeing, and Somewhere Else, those who enforce the Laws of Narrative Comedy took note.
At that moment, however, Dafydd and Selene couldn't care less about the Laws of Narrative Comedy. Grabbing their weapons and equipment – Dafydd, as ever, slipping the Ring of Sairalindë onto his finger – the pair of agents opened a portal and stepped through.
Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.
Dafydd stumbled backwards as the incredibly dense Words washed over him. Selene, who had gone through the portal first and was thus closer to Legolas, fell to her knees, hands over her ears as if trying to keep the world out – or her brain in. As Legolas named the baby, the horrible UnCanon of the name 'Laura' allowed Dafydd to regain his balance and stagger over to his partner.
"Look at him, Selene," he said, trying to catch her attention. "He's like some sort of living puppet. Look how he's moving!" Indeed, Legolas was going onto the horse – a painful sight if there ever was one – as though he had strings attached to his limbs.
The observation had the desired effect. Selene stood up, wincing, but said, "Shouldn't you be starting a charge list?"
"Do I really need to?" Dafydd asked. "I mean, everything in this 'fic is a charge."
"Still," replied the other agent, "it should be done. You don't want Upstairs to kick us out."
Dafydd sighed. "I suppose you're right. Shouldn't we be following, though?"
Selene looked up at the Words and frowned. Then she squinted, and tilted her head to one side. "I think I need glasses," she muttered.
"No, that's just this 'fic," Dafydd replied. Selene nodded distractedly, and continued trying to read it.
"Well," she said after a few moments, "after Legolas gets to 'the castle where he lived' and talks to his parents, there's a ten year gap."
"Time in which to prepare for the rest?" The vampire nodded, and her partner sighed. "Right, then. We'd better get moving." Pulling out the Remote Activator, he set it to home in on Legolas, and opened the portal.
After a few moments of inactivity, Selene coughed. "Going to go through?"
"I guess..." Dafydd shook his head and stepped through, Selene close behind him.
"father mother I found this little baby in the woods"
"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die"
"That's a very good question, or statement, or whatever," muttered Dafydd to Selene. "How can people put baby in the woodsand to die?"
"Very simply I would assume. They take a baby, find the woodsand, and drop it," replied Selene.
"we are going to keep her"
"And then Legolas was happy for someriseing," added Dafydd, quoting the end of the section. Legolas' mother and father, having said their one line each, shook themselves as Legolas carried the baby out of the room.
"Darling...?" said Thranduil to his queen, hesitantly. "What... what was that?"
"I don't know," replied the Queen of Mirkwood, "but I feel faint..."
Selene poked Dafydd in the ribs, jolting him out of his contemplation of the monarchs of Mirkwood. "If we can stop empathising with the Canons for a while, we have a job to do."
"We've got ten years," grumbled the elf, "can't we spare a little time to reassure them?"
"Oh, yes, wonderful idea. Two strangely attired unfamiliar people suddenly appear in the royal court of Mirkwood. Does this sound reassuring to either them or us?"
Dafydd sighed, and shook his head. "No, but I just feel like we should do something..."
"We will," Selene replied. "We'll kill the 'Sue who's stolen their son, and return their lives to normal." Dafydd brightened up at that, before Selene added, "but first, you get to do the charge list."
Dafydd rolled his eyes. "All right, all right. Let's go and find a spot to sit in."
Eventually, they relocated to outside the castle. With no Suvian input, the building and its environs were trying to revert to their Canon form. As this would mean changing from a cheerful forest and castle to a black, spider-infested wood and a set of caverns, staying inside was dangerous – pieces of floor kept disappearing. Outside the walls, while the trees kept flickering between light and dark, there was at least no chance of falling.
As Selene prowled around the area – precisely why, Dafydd didn't know and couldn't be bothered to ask – the Elf leaned against a tree and began his charge list.
Rampant abuse of the English language.
Lack of pacing.
Making Legolas sound like an idiot.
Giving Legolas a castle.
There he paused. "There is one thing," he muttered.
"What's that?" said Selene, stepping around the tree. Dafydd blinked, not having heard her approach.
"She did give Legolas a living mother. You don't usually see that."
Selene frowned. "You're not going to let her off on that, though, are you?"
"Stars, no!" Dafydd gestured towards the castle. "Leaving aside that thing, did you see how Legolas was acting?"
The vampire shuddered. "I couldn't exactly miss it."
He nodded. "Exactly. I didn't use a CAD on him, but I'd be surprised if he was less that 90% OOC. Same goes for Thranduil, and he only had one line."
Selene frowned. "How can he be that out of character with one line?"
Dafydd shrugged. "His only known character, from The Hobbit, is extremely suspicious. Looking at a baby and saying Legolas can keep it isn't really something you'd expect." He shook his head and sighed. "Anyway, we ought to be getting on."
Selene grimaced. "Must we?" Dafydd nodded sadly. "I don't suppose the modified CAD has any new tricks up its sleeve?"
The elf blinked. "You know, I haven't even checked." Reaching into his pack, he pulled the device out, he flicked it on and waved it about for a bit.
[Bip] went the CAD. Both agents watched the readout.
Story 'legolas' detected. This story is on the proscribed list. This CAD will now shut down to prevent damage to the unit. Assume all Canons are approx. 99% OOC. Bring the CAD along to me when you're done. M-T.
With a final [Bip], the CAD screen went dark. Dafydd looked up at Selene. "Well," he said, "I guess it does have at least one new trick."
"Makes-Things got tired of having to repair them, I suppose," mused Selene. Shaking herself, she stood up. "Come on, elf. The sooner we get started..."
"The sooner we're finished." Sighing, Dafydd got to his feet, put his pack on his back and pressed a button on the Remote Activator. The blue doorway appeared, and he nodded. "Ten years into the future. Let's get gone." He stepped through, followed closely by Selene, into Laura's room just as Legolas walked in the door and said 'good moring'.
Flipping his notebook open again, Dafydd did his best to ignore the appalling grammar and started writing charges. 'Accelerated aging' was followed by 'Treating Legolas like a personal slave' and 'Stupid clothing'. He turned to make a comment to Selene when suddenly the agents were jolted out into Mirkwood where they saw Gandalf and Aragorn.
"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"
"And Gandalf doesn't know either," muttered Selene, "so how did they-"
The pair were transported again, to Mordor, where they were greeted by Mondor the mini-balrog. While Selene talked to the little demon to persuade it to follow them, Dafydd watched the words. "Now," he wondered aloud, "where would be the sense in kidnapping this apparently-human girl, but not the Prince of Mirkwood? Why would you do it?"
"Dafydd," chided Selene, looking up, "Logic. 'Suefic. No link."
Dafydd nodded distractedly and scribbled another few charges onto his list. Selene wandered over, Mondor following after her, and watched the two characters. "The boss of the orcs? Do they have one?"
"Yes," muttered Dafydd, still writing, "his name's Sauron."
"So we have a Dark Lord who talks to himself? Think we could recruit him?"
Dafydd turned to stare in horror at his partner, who held his gaze for a moment before giving him a sharp-toothed grin. "Joke. But you must admit it'd be interesting. And he's barely Canon as it is."
"Nevertheless," the elf replied, "unleashing an OOC Maia in HQ is not-"
Abruptly the pair were back in Mirkwood. Dafydd staggered, falling against a tree to balance himself. On the path beside them, Laura and Legolas were sitting on a horse.
"Legolas whos that"
"that is Gandalf and Strdier"
Strdier jumped down from a horse that was far too big for him, fluttering over to join the agents and Mondor. Meanwhile Aragorn, suddenly appearing, said "Legolas".
"Strider long time seen"
Dafydd watched as the conversation wove its grammar-less way through the paragraph. "Really," he said, "it's not possible to write a charge list for this story. Everything is either wildly OOC, or spelling/grammar issues. There's nothing to charge."
"Mini-balrog creation, for one," said Selene, looking up. "Lack of respect for the dangers of Mirkwood – holding a conversation in the forest is a bad idea, as Legolas well knows."
"she is so cute"
"that will be my falut"
"he protects me thats why"
The Agents watched the quick-fire conversation, from Strider to Legolas to Gandalf to Laura. Selene looked back at Dafydd as Legolas said "I think we should go back to the castle".
"You can add in complete lack of logic, and probably causing Aragorn to forget Arwen."
Dafydd nodded, reached for his notebook, and-
-fell forwards as the floor dropped away and became cold marble. He caught himself with one hand, managing to avoid a cracked skull, and sighed with relief. "Eleni," he muttered under his breath, "I have got to keep track of these location shifts better."
Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"and then they had tea and went to bed.
The elf remained on the floor for the duration of the sentence, and then sat up as time resumed its normal flow. "Well," said Selene from behind him, "we've got a little while before the next bit comes up."
He nodded and turned. "I'll do the charge list, shall I?"
The vampire grinned. "Very good," she said, and wandered off among the stone pillars. Dafydd scribbled down the charge list, adding 'Almost killing a PPC Agent' onto the end in irritation. Then he sat up and looked around for his partner who, predictably enough, was nowhere in sight.
"Over here," came her voice from down the hall. "You should see this."
Muttering under his breath, Dafydd got up and walked over to where the woman was kneeling on the floor. "What?" he asked, irritably.
"This," she said, rolling her eyes and pointing at the stone in front of her. Looking at it, Dafydd saw that it was transparent, and that through it an underground tunnel was clearly visible. He looked at Selene quizzically. "I think it's part of the actual Halls," she explained.
The other blinked. "Aren't they gone?" he asked stupidly.
"Yeah," she replied, "they should be. Apparently this 'Sue canon is so thin that the original is showing through. I just hope it doesn't fall apart before we finish."
Dafydd's eyes widened. "Can it do that?"
Selene shrugged. "I've never heard of it happening outside OFUM, but if it intended to, this would be the story to do it."
The elf shook his head. "Crazy," he muttered. After a moment of introspective silence, he looked up. "We'd probably best be getting on," he said.
His partner nodded. "Right." She glanced up at the Words, squinting a little to make sense of them, and then nodded. "Looks like Legolas has just asked the guards – sorry," she interrupted herself, "the gards to keep an eye on Laura's room while the orcs are kidnapping her, and... it all gets a bit confused."
Dafydd joined her in looking up at the Words. "So the gard walks into the room and sees the orcs, and does nothing. Legolas runs off down the hall, then runs back and asks the gards where Laura is. They say that the orcs took her, neglecting to mention that they stood by and watched..."
"And by that time, the orcs have apparently already returned to Mordor. I think we can safely assume that all the characters have gone insane."
Dafydd nodded. "But at least we've got a Geographical Aberration to work with now."
Selene perked up. "Does that mean we can kill her now?"
Dafydd pulled out the charge list and glanced through it. "There's not a lot of charges here, but they're all big ones... you know, I think we could." He glanced up again, skimming ahead through the Words, and smiled cruelly. "However, I recommend waiting until the end of the next paragraph. She'll be nearly dead anyway, plus we get to watch the orcs torture her."
Selene raised an eyebrow. "And while Upstairs tends to frown on agents torturing their targets, there's nothing against watching it happen at the hands of the characters?"
"Nope. Indeed, it's encouraged – we can't miss a charge, can we?"
Selene grinned. "No, certainly not." Glancing up at the words, she took a deep breath. "Location shift!"
Suddenly in Mordor, with Mondor still at their sides, the agents watched the next scene play out. "Wow," said Dafydd, leaning back against a black pillar, "so the orcs obey her orders?"
"And Sauron wears asbestos armour," added Selene, "or else is fireproof. Unless he's meant to be an eyeball at this point."
Dafydd shrugged. "According to the films, yes, but there are definite indications that he has a body in the book. He's said to have nine fingers, which-"
"Yes, yes, okay, just write it down." The vampire shook her head, internally bemoaning the pedantic tendencies of the elves.
"put her into the cell and bet her and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her"
Dafydd blinked. "Somehow, that doesn't sound like Sauron's type of orders."
"In this 'fic, are you surprised?" Selene sighed. "At least they obey him," she added as the orcs threw – or rather, trow – Laura into a cell and shut the door.
Dafydd nodded. "At least that. Shift!" With that warning, they managed to stay on their feet when they suddenly appeared in Mirkwood, where Legolas was 'getting the army ready to go and save Laura' while Milkwood the mini-balrog watched, and again through the shift back to Laura's cell, although Dafydd was very glad for the thick stone walls.
Laura was sitting in the middle of the floor of the cell, and the agents, knowing what was about to happen, settled down in the shadows against the wall to watch.
The door opened with a creak, and a group of orcs entered. Peripherally, Dafydd noticed that the action had slowed down to a normal pace, as if Canon itself were savouring this moment. The orcs crowded around the 'Sue, and when they moved away, she was tied down on her back with chains. "That's quite a sight," Selene commented, and Dafydd had to agree. Rather than binding her in place, as was normal, the thick iron chains had been tied in rather good reef knots and figure-eights.
"Impossible it may be," Dafydd agreed, "but very pretty."
Next, rather oddly, one of the orcs left the room and returned with a pot of red paint. The agents exchanged curious looks as he painted red stripes down the length of Laura's body. When he finished, he lifted up her miniskirt – with the complete lack of description, Laura had taken on the appearance of a typical teenage fangirl on Earth – and ripped off her underwear. Simultaneously deciding that not all torture was worth watching, the agents looked up at the Words.
"Ah, that explains it," said Dafydd. "He striped her. I wonder why."
"It's probably the only way he could get through having to rape a 'Sue," Selene commented.
"go away you bastard"
The pair looked back at the cell. "That was quick," Dafydd said, surprised. Selene nodded in confusion, and then laughed as a second orc stepped up to the 'Sue, lifted his whip, and rubbed it up and down the length of her body.
"I guess it decided 'whiping' was the same as 'wiping'," she said, grinning. Then she sobered and added, "A bit weird, though."
"Oh, it gets better. Watch." The orc with the whip dropped it on the floor, all the orcs sat in a circle around Laura, and...
"I bet one girl"
"no I bet one girl"
"no I bet one girl!"
The two agents were in fits of laughter as the orcs fought over who would get the chance to bet Laura. Despite the appalling grammar, or lack thereof, it was hilarious. Part of the hilarity was no doubt due to the fact that assassins have somewhat violent senses of humour, and as Laura was being 'bet almost to death', the fighting consisted of digging their claws and teeth into her and trying to drag her over to themselves. Her screams were music to Dafydd's ears.
Eventually, the squabbling orcs came to a decision, and all left. Through the open door came Sauron the Terrible in his asbestos armour, muttering to himself and holding a tube with the word 'Posion' on it.
"I wonder," said Selene thoughtfully. "Do you think that Posion is effective?"
Dafydd skimmed ahead in the Words. "Nah," he said, "it doesn't seem to have any effect."
"Ah," his partner countered, "but he's only injeting it." Indeed, after a few moments staring in confusion at the tube, Sauron shrugged, held it to Laura's mouth, and squeezed it, shooting a thin jet of yellow-looking fluid onto the back of her throat. "See," said Selene, "it's probably supposed to be injected. It might actually be quite useful."
Dafydd shook his head as the bemused Dark Lord left the room. "We've got enough poisons back at HQ, we don't need another one. Come on, let's get her."
"Gladly," replied Selene, standing and walking over to where Laura lay prone, staring up at them. "Any idea what to do with her?"
Dafydd got up and looked out of the window. Due to the insane geography of this place, the nearest trees of Mirkwood were only ten feet away. "Actually," he said, "I think I do."
"waht are you doing" stated Laura from the floor, and the agents looked down at her.
"Killing you, dearie," said Selene. "Dafydd? Charge list?"
The elf nodded, and flipped his notebook open. "Laura," he said, taking a deep breath, "on my authority as an agent of the PPC, Department of Geographical Aberrations, I charge you with distorting the characters of Legolas, Thranduil, Gandalf, Aragorn and Sauron, rampant abuse of the English language, using uncanonical names, lack of pacing, making Legolas sound like an idiot, giving Legolas a castle, accelerated aging, treating Legolas like a personal slave, stupid clothing, creating the mini-Balrogs Mondor, Strdier and Milkwood, causing orcs to perform pointless activities, giving Sauron multiple personalities, complete lack of punctuation, lack of respect for the dangers of Mirkwood, complete lack of logic, causing Aragorn to apparently forget Arwen, bringing tea into Mirkwood, almost killing a PPC Agent, nearly creating a canon rift, giving Mirkwood stupid guards, or possibly gards, making Legolas act like an idiot, massive geographical compression, making orcs obey a 'Sue's commands, giving Sauron asbestos armour, making Sauron stupid, tying chains in knots, causing orcs to commit utterly weird acts, severely annoying PPC agents and being an utter Mary-Sue." He stopped, gasping for breath.
"Do you have any last words?" asked Selene, filling in the end of the speech.
"what I don't understnad"
"Oh, believe me, we know that," said Dafydd, shaking his head. "Now, Selene, help me get her outside..."
Five minutes later, they had Laura on the ground outside. Her arms were tied to a rock in Mordor, and her legs to a tree in Mirkwood. The agents stood beside her, watching her struggle. "let me go legolas help"
Selene grinned at Dafydd. "I have to admit, this time you have surpassed yourself. You're sure it'll work?"
"Pretty sure, yes," the elf replied. "With this much strain on Canon, even knocking her out should release some of the tension. And then..." He smiled grimly. "Snap."
"Snap," echoed Selene, looking down at Laura. "Now, I know I already asked this, but do you have any last words?"
"let me go"
"Such a waste." Picking up a rock from the ground, the vampire clubbed Laura over the head, and then threw herself backwards as the Canon geography reasserted itself. Mirkwood was suddenly some two hundred miles from Mordor, and Laura, who had been linking the two, was a thin layer of blood and organic matter scattered across the landscape.
Dafydd grinned at his partner again. "Another job well done," he said, opening the portal back to HQ.