What About Midge?

A Barbie Fan Fiction by Missy Moser


Barbie - Oh, Ken!


Good Ken - Oh, Barbie!


[They Kiss]


Barbie - How was your day as President of the Whole Wide World?


Good Ken - It was good. How was your day as the most famous rock star in the world?


Barbie - It was good. I just missed your face so much.


Good Ken- I missed your face so much, too.


Barbie- Oh, Ken…


Good Ken-Oh, Barbie…


[They Kiss] [The Phone Rings]


Barbie-Not the phone, Ken. I’m too busy loving you.


Good Ken- I know, Barbie. There’s never a good time for the phone to ring when I’m busy loving you so much.


[They kiss hard, like things that are hard]


Barbie-I wish someone would invent a machine that would answer that. Like a secretary, but a machine with a person voice.


Good Ken- Oh Barbie, they have one of those. It’s called an answering machine.


Barbie-Oh, you’re so smart. That’s why you’re the President of the Whole Wide World.


Good Ken- I know, also I’m a Man. That makes me smarter. It’s just science, Barbie. That’s why there’s never been a female president and never will be. Men are just smarter than women.


Barbie- That’s not true.


Good-It is. But you sure are beautiful to look at.


Barbie- Oh, Ken. Will you answer the phone?


Good Ken-Okay, But only because I love you so much. Phone answering is woman’s work.

[Ken answers phone]


Good Ken- Hello? Yes. Oh, no…yes…well that’s horrendous. Hmmmm. Oh. My. God. Yes, Barbie is with me. Okay, then. Well, you’re a gentleman. Good bye.


Barbie-What is it?


Good Ken- It’s bad.


Barbie-Oh, no. Don’t say “bad”.


Good Ken- It’s bad.


Barbie- Oh no, ken! Don’t say “bad”.


Good Ken- It’s bad.


Barbie- Ken…


Good Ken- Barbie…


[Pause briefly]


Good Ken- It’s my Evil Twin.


Barbie- No!


Good Ken- Yes.




Good Ken- I don’t know. But you don’t need to worry. I will protect you.


Barbie- Oh, Ken…you’re my hero.


Good Ken- Yes, I know.


[They Kiss Hard, Real Hard]


{Back at Evil Ken Head Quarters}


Midge- She’s never going to leave him.


Bad Ken- Then I’ll take her! [Insert evil laugh here]


Midge- How do you plan to do that, Stupid?

Bad Ken- How dare you speak to me like that, woman! Do you know all of the filthy things I could do to you, Midge?


Midge- [Under her Breath] I wish…


Bad Ken- What was that?


Midge- What about with juice!?! From that special poisonous fruit that grows in Oriental Land, the kind that makes you look dead, but you aren’t dead. Then you can take her.


Bad Ken- Perhaps you aren’t as stupid as your ginger hair makes you look.


Midge- Thanks.


Bad Ken-That wasn’t a compliment. You’re a vile, hateful person. But I like your plan. I’m going to take it and use it as my own.


Midge- You can take anything of mine…Anything.


Bad Ken- I’m sorry, I really wish I could understand anything out of your mouth ever, or care to.


Midge- I could give her the juice…


Bad Ken- Again, all marbles, ENUNCIATE.




Bad Ken - Oh, that good…That’s very good. Yes, you give her the juice. Yes, yes, you could do that. Cause I could not do that at this time, not with so many law enforcement officials watching my every move. But no one in the world cares about you. You would be perfect! You get a little less revolting every moment.


Midge - Really?


Bad Ken- God No. You’re a horrid person. Never forget that.


Midge- Oh.


Bad Ken- But the idea is good.


Midge- Thanks, I saw an ad on Craigslist that said the President of the World was looking for a new maid.


Bad Ken- Oh, that’s good…


Midge- Are you liking me more now?


Bad Ken- Well, No. You’re a ginger.


Midge- Oh, it’s my hair.


Bad Ken- Will you leave? You smell awful.


{Back at the White House AKA Barbie Mansion}


Barbie- This is silly. We can’t just sit here.


Good Ken- I know.


Barbie- Well what should we do?


Good Ken- I have an idea…


Barbie- Ken, we did THAT already.


Good Ken- Barbie, Healthy adults do THAT at least five to six hundred times a day.


Barbie- Really?


Good Ken-Yes, really.


Barbie- Oh, I don’t want to be unhealthy. Let’s do it.


[They do it]


Barbie- You are so good.


Good Ken- I know. You’re welcome.


[Doorbell rings]


Barbie- Are you expecting someone?


Good Ken- No, but I’ll get the door anyway.


Barbie-Wait! What if it’s your Evil twin?


Good Ken- with so many law enforcement officials watching his every move, it’s doubtful.


Barbie- Wait! Your pants.

Good Ken-Silly me. They might have seen me in my plastic underwear. Oh, Barbie. It hurts me to love you so much. I almost love you as much as I love myself.


[Ken answers the door]


Good Ken- Hello?


Midge- Hi! I’m here about the maid job.


Good Ken- Oh! Well come on in.


Midge- Thank You. I didn’t know the President of the World would answer his own door.


Good Ken- Well, I do.


Midge- You’re a lot bigger and manlier in real life.


Good Ken- I know.


Midge- I wanted to know if you still needed a maid?


Good Ken- Yes, we do. Have you ever been a maid?


Midge- Here’s my resume.


Good Ken- Oh my. It’s mammoth.


Midge- I wouldn’t say that.


Good Ken- I’m very impressed. When can you start?


Midge- Really! [She leaps into kens arms]


Good Ken- [Ken is overwhelmed by his passion for a moment. Perhaps it’s his weakness for ginger hair?] Please, let’s keep this professional. I know how alluring I must be to you, being the President, and so robust and masculine, smelling of Old Spice. But I’m a one woman man.[he gets in close to her face.] You must stay away from me, even though every part of my body is aching to take your long ginger hair and wrap it around my neck, and auto-erotically asphyxiate myself. What have you done to me? You feel so wrong, but so right. [He breathes hard on her face] When can you start?


Midge- As soon as possible.


Good Ken- That’s wonderful.


{Back at Evil Ken Head Quarters}


Midge-Tell me you love me now.


Bad Ken- Oh god, no! Did you get the job?


Midge- I did.


Bad Ken- Remarkable! Now bring me Barbie.



{Back at The Barbie White House}



[--------------[This is also several weeks later]-------------]


Good Ken- Listen Maid, I’m going to really need you to get on your hands and knees and scrub. Like really put your back into it….Yeah…that’s excellent. You’re very good at that.


Midge- Thank You, Sir.


Good Ken- You can call me Mr. President or Master. Which ever feels more comfortable?


Midge- Thank you, Master.


Good Ken- That’s wonderful. Just wonderful.[Begins touching himself with his cupped ken doll hand.]


[Barbie enters behind him. He stops quickly.]


Barbie- How’s everything going?


Good Ken- She’s amazing.


Barbie- Oh, I’m glad. Well, I’ll leave you two alone. I love you, Sweetheart.


Good Ken- I know. I love you, too. [Pats Barbie’s face]


[They kiss]


[Midge starts to clean again]


Barbie- [From off stage] Ken, can you bring me something to drink?


Midge- I can do that!


Good Ken- You don’t need to.


Midge- [She touches his chest] Please, Master.


Good Ken- Pay attention to what I’m saying. Do you remember what I told you? I don’t want to have to punish you for crossing the line again.


Midge- No, I don’t want you to have to punish me again.


Good Ken- But we sometimes are forced to do things we don’t want to do. [He grabs her arm and heads into the broom closet. He takes off his belt] I’m sorry; you know this hurts me more than it hurts you.


Midge- I’m sorry, Master.


Good Ken- No, I’m sorry. Please, lift up your skirt.


Midge- Yes, Master.


Good Ken- That’s wonderful. [He spanks her, and then he pulls out his massive plastic ken doll erection. He grabs her hand and makes her hold it.] This is your fault. Do you feel bad?


Midge-Yes, I…


Good Ken- Yes, what? [Spanks her]


Midge- Yes, Master!


Good Ken- Wonderful…Now, I’m not mad at you. Just don’t do it again.


[He pulls down her skirt]


Midge- Yes, Master.


Good Ken- Now Would you please get Barbie a drink?


[Midge heads to the kitchen. She realizes this is her moment. It’s Drug Barbie Time! She fishes into her apron and pulls out a small bottle filled with pills. She takes out two pills and pops them into the orange juice. She starts to head up stairs, but stops when she realizes that if she gives Barbie the juice, her time with Good Ken is over. She’s fallen in love with him. But if she doesn’t give her the juice, then she’ll never have a chance with Evil Ken. She loves them both so much now. She wishes there was some way she could have them both. Then it came to her, KILL BARBIE!]