Just who are the students in Satire class?

Charlie Whitaker

Charlie Whitaker was the smartest kid in school that was unable to put a group of words together in a sentence.  He graduated high school and was voted “most likely to become president.” Three months later he failed out of his political science class and was immediately selected to be the Democratic candidate for the 2016 presidential campaign. After being elected president, he was kicked out of the Oval Office for replacing all the computers in the entire White House with typewriters.  He was kicked out onto the street where he immediately found a winning lottery ticket on the ground.  After scratching it off, he saw that he had won $100,000,000.  He didn’t want to waste his money so he invested $20,000,000 in a class where the teacher would teach him about banking and investment.  Shortly after the class ended, the teacher asked him to invest the remainder of his money into his waterproof pencil idea.  After investing his last $80,000,000 he went broke and needed to find a new job.  Charlie then decided to make a living off of being a motivational speaker; however, he learned during the middle of his first presentation to a group of college students that he had no words of wisdom, so he resorted to handing out the thousands of waterproof pencils that he had invested in.  While at first the students were happy to have a pencil for their next class, they were upset when the pencils immediately dissolved when they got out in the rain.  Certainly most people had not had this many life experiences by the age of 22.  Obviously he ran completely out of money after all of these failed attempts.  After living on the streets for a year, he decided that jail would actually be more comfortable than the cardboard box he was living in.  So, one night he stole 100,000,000 waterproof pencils from the local factory. Upon entering jail, he discovered that he was sharing a cell with a man named Carl who had multiple personality disorder; however, the guards insisted that he had his own cell with no cellmate and only one bed.  He thought the guards were lying, but his cellmate eventually convinced him that the were telling the truth. Obviously, this just confused him even more, so he would argue with his cellmate all night and sometimes raise his voice at the top of his lungs.  He complained that his friend would never stop talking to him, so they moved him into a room with sponge walls; however, his cellmate moved in there with him as well.  It seemed that his cellmate would always share a cell with him so he decided to make the best of the situation and become friends with him. He met his demise at the age of 45 upon his release from jail. He and Carl went bungee jumping. Charlie did not know how to secure his harness; luckily, Carl did. Once Carl tied him to his harness, he jumped off of the cliff. After falling for 3 seconds, he realized that Carl never did exist.  He realized that he was not actually wearing a harness about one tenth of a second before he hit the ground.

JT Glover

JT Glover was a shining light to the world, who never turned on his lights. He was handsome, horse-faced, astoundingly dumb, fast paced, and coordinated. He lived for sports but died every practice. He was a peace full schitzophrenic who meditated to the sounds of screaming babies every morning. He spent copious amounts of time failing his classes, and barely made his way into Harvard. During Harvard he spent little to no time passing his classes. He was a star athlete on the chess team. He lived to work but rarely worked to live. He ran every morning and could not a remember a morning he had run. He was a shy, ugly, appalling, afflicted, disturbed, antisocial, thieving con-artist. He was elected class president and was idolized for his ability to improve nothing. He never worked all day, and always stayed up the entire night. At the ripe of age of forty five he adopted a loving dog in need of a good home from the SPCA hoping that it would add something to already full and exciting life and be a companion for his young children, who idolized him, to grow up with and learn the responsibility of taking care of an animal. Promptly he and the dog both died.

Corey Smolla-Malone

Corey was a great woman.  He was a raging feminist who bribed people to stop making woman jokes by baking cupcakes.  She would sleep with any man that asked, but didn’t want to sleep with any man who wanted to sleep with her.  

Corey was the most ethnic woman without an ethnicity.  She modeled for AP exam booklets because of her racial ambiguity, and would get into any college for her lack of race.  She was rumored to be Alaskan, Samoan, South Carolinian, Djboutian, Happy, and Turkish.  On her college applications for racial association she chose all of the above.  She could get in anywhere because of her race, which she lost.

Corey was the most honest liar to ever exist.  Corey was famous for telling those you-couldn’t-have-been-there stories.  She told stories of lesbian genocide to Ellen Degeneres and mass rabbit suicide to Bugs Bunny.  She honestly could lie like no other.

Some people thought she was smart, but only because other people thought she was smart, and they were scared to think differently.  Corey ruled the world.

Fain Riopelle

Fain Riopelle is a great man, with many astoundingly qualities, of which the most astounding is his humility. No one brags less than Fain, and he never fails to remind people of it at every opportunity. He is the proud leader of the prestigious Humility Association, and as such, speaks at all their press conferences, reminding everyone who will listen just how humble he and his cohorts are. The HA is often criticized for its outspokenness in regards to its own humility, but in such cases, the group politely reminds its critics that it is no one’s fault that most people are incapable of being as humble as those in their exclusive group. As Grand Ordained Deacon, it is Fain’s job to calmly and humbly handle any and all understandable jealousy directed toward the Association. It is Fain’s stance that if the critics cannot see just how humble the HA was, then he is doing a good job as the G.O.D.

Unfortunately, there recently arose a competing group known as the Association of Humility. Despite the obvious haughtiness of the new organization, it found many supporters in its campaign against the HA. However, Fain was clear-minded enough to propose a debate between the two groups. Three months later, the AH-HA debates were broadcast live on the country’s most well-known public access shows at three in the morning. It was a magnificent spectacle in which the Humility Association was clearly upstaged by the Association of Humility. After the HA was declared the winner, having gone into great detail concerning the various amazing feats they had accomplished but never taken credit for, the AH was crippled beyond repair, and they were forced to disband.

Currently, Fain is still working as GOD of HA, and on October 8, 2011, announced that the Humility Association will be directing its funds into research towards a means of extending the life span of a human being indefinitely, in the hopes that Fain will be able to remain the Humility Association’s immortal G.O.D. forever.

Holt Norman

Holt Norman was a giant of a man who was confined to a small space. His inability to swim made him and irreplaceable member of the swim team. Since he once lived in red-light, party-haven Amsterdam, he spent his years in Europe deep in a cellar studying the Bible. Born in Florida, he didn’t consider himself American, rather he considered himself half-Latino, half-European, and half retired. His most redeeming quality was mediocrity, and even then he was only half as good as most people at it.

For such a loud person, he was pretty quiet. His long attention span was only contained by his inattent-. He was extremely energetic, which is why everyone said he was dull. His respect for women was complemented by his inability to take women’s opinions seriously. His wealthy upbringing made him poor in character, and his natural tendency toward acrimony made him one of the calmest people around.

Peter Ferguson

Peter Ferguson can be described as the smartest B student in all of Collegiate. His albino complexion affected his constant desire to be tan. His dream of being  a college athlete was only possible in his daily naps.  He was productive in all aspects of his life except for the important ones that actually mattered. His favorite hobby was to read books, although he only read things he had been assigned to do. He still gets looks of envy and hatred from the German race for his Aryan profile. He never froze up in front of a girl, just like the Redsox never choked in September. He is always content no matter where he is, for he just daydreams of being somewhere else. He was interviewed to be the Dos Equis Man until they realized how uninteresting he really is. When asked what his best quality or characteristic is, he stutters and hesitates for there are just so few to pick from. He is very talented at soccer and football, for he has won countless World Cups and Superbowl championships in Fifa and Madden. Peter Ferguson  is a man you will forget about the moment he walks away.

Leah Clisham

Leah Clisham’s peers believe that she is stuck in the dark abyss of seriousness, and will never succeed in the realm of comedy. Leah, however, believes she is the funniest person in the world. The majority of the time she is laughing at herself while others scorn her terrible humor. Most do not know she is almost as good of a rapper as Lil’ Wayne. She has mo’ swagga’ in the rap game than any of her peers have in telling punny jokes. It is a shame that she is always quiet in her English class, stuck in fear of being shunned for her humor, because her peers would praise her for superior skills. Some may even try to show her up, confidently challenging the timid girl in the corner of the classroom. Little do they know they will verbally get smacked with words raging at them full speed and rhyming with precision. Leah may not be the funniest member of Mr. Svab’s English class, or the most successful, but she does not dwell on her serious demeanor because that is exactly what makes her successful in her thug life.

Emma Brown

Emma was a self-proclaimed cynic with a never-ending capacity for positivity. She openly hated on everyone she met because she loved all kinds of people. Emma had many secrets which she hid in her voluptuous Jew-fro. Her utter obnoxiousness was a direct result of her sheer apathy and Jewish heritage. Despite her Bronx-like voice and copious curls, she seemed relatively Aryan. Only her luscious locks knew the dark secret of her family’s history. Changed to Brown from Bronstein at Ellis Island in 1920, the first few letters of her last name were the only remnants of her Romanian descent. In other words, a family of closet Gypsies.

Ellen Davenport

Ellen Davenport was the shyest girl on campus who was fixated on speaking in every assembly. Captain of the Field Hockey team, she had bruises on her legs from falling down the stairs every morning on the way to school. She was a fantaztik speler; she kame in secund in the speling be in eith grayd, out of too stewdents. Ellen never knew what she was talking about because she was always talking. She followed no religion so that she could follow every religion and celebrate as many holidays as possible. She hated to be alone, but if any one person decided to stay she threw them out for not leaving her be. She loved animals enough to eat them every day. She payed more attention to her dog than her younger sister because her younger sister reminded her of herself, but the more time she spent with her dog the more it resembled her too. She was quirky, restless, ordinary, tranquil, and always sure she knew what she was talking about.

Woody Chapman

Woody Chapman would run to the end of the world to avoid any and all work. He was proud member of the Virginia Academic Group, and thus was able to maintain a GPA of 1.8. He was the most uncreative artist ever, always stealing from others to inspire is utterly original work. His body was a wintry wonderland of Arctic indulgence. His pure lanky, angular, and cadaverous muscles impressed all sorts of preternatural women. Scientists tested him because they thought he was genetically identical to the missing link between primates and humans, unfortunately his genes resembled apes too much to fit the description. The way he blindly indulged into his artwork was much like a 37-year-old, unemployed, divorced, childless, mustachioed man living in his parents’ basement would jump onto the screen name “soccergirl1998”.

Charlotte Robins

Charlotte Robins is the most hardworking lazy person there was. Her ability to lay around all day and not feel bad about herself was uncanny. Charlotte always laughed at her own jokes but couldn’t understand why everyone was always laughing at her. She was always agreeable when someone gave her something to agree with. Her athletic ability was somewhat similar because she was the best athlete at Collegiate because everyone let her win. Word on the street is that she has a lot of money because every building in the city of Richmond has her name on it, but her diet of peanut butter and ramen begged to differ.

Reilly Klein

Reilly Klein is the smallest 225 pound boy to wander the halls of Collegiate. His woolly mammoth appearance in stature and in looks makes all women fawn over him as he walks by. He has the most beautiful, melodious voice as long as he doesn’t open his mouth. He moves through the hallways with the grace of a ballerina as he trips over his own feet and constantly bumps into people. His drive and work ethic can only be thought to be outdone by an overwhelming speedy Vespa. He also loves the great outdoors so he spends every waking moment playing hunting games on his xbox. His desire to excel in school forces him to excel in one other area, sleeping. Sleeping is his best subject, and even though Collegiate does not offer this course, it does not stop him from doing it. He is truly stupendous at it. His classmates describe him with superlatives such as best hair, most likely to not succeed, and most likely to commit a serious felony before the age of 20. He is admired by his peers and teachers alike.

Connor Odell

Connor Odell was born on the first of January in the Year of Our Lord 1994 AD. He was born 1.5 months early, or as his mother likes to say “7 months too late.” Naming him was an unyielding assignment. His parents wanted to name him after a family member, but none of the male family members approved of the little devil child taking their namesake. So until the age of 4, Connor went without a name. The name “Connor” was selected after his parents watched an episode of The Cosby Show which featured a walk-on character named Connor. Connor never liked his name. He always had trouble saying it. For some reason, whenever he told people his name, they thought he said “Carter.” To this day, there are dozens of people that are friends with Carter Odell. Connor became to get jealous of Carter’s popularity.

His parents had pale skin and light hair, but as Connor grew up, it became clear that he had almost black hair and very tan skin. This caused Connor’s father to give Connor’s mother strange looks. Especially during the summer, Connor became extremely tan. That caused people to mistake him as an African-American, Hispanic-American, or Native American, basically everything other than European-American. This never bothered Connor, but rather he started to appreciate this when he realized it could help him get into college.

Connor loved every moment of his whole life, until the age of three when his sister was born. After that day, he was only half as happy as he used to be because he only got half the attention from his parents.

            Connor was always average. He knew when he grew up he would have 2.5 kids. He was so average he was invisible. In middle school he was rarely talked to, and if he was, classmates would say “Hey Carter!” In middle school, the only thing that wasn’t average about him was his height. He was the shortest boy in the grade. But that never stopped him from joining the basketball team. And he was good too. No one kept the benches warmer than him. But then in high school, he lost his individuality. He grew 5 inches and became the tallest short person in the school.

Jack Corrigan

        Jack Corrigan was a man of great virtue who could lie to anyone.  He was one of the choicest athletes on the Collegiate campus, excluding his poor ability to run and jump.  His work ethic was exceptionally average.  He never lost an argument, even when he was incorrect.  The Chinese National Competitive Calculus team was envious of his exquisite math skills.  He had endless sexual conquests, and his only kiss was from his mother on the cheek.  He was a straight A student because he only sat next to other straight A students.  Jack was the manliest of all men and used tons of oils to smooth out his baby soft skin.  He had a beautiful singing voice that could make anyone cry in pain.        

Chris Pembroke

        Chris was the most athletic guy at school. He became the third string kicker on the football team after being cut as the second string goalie from the soccer team. All the students were jealous because he drove the coolest car, a red Dodge Caravan that’s missing the front and rear bumpers. He was the most hygienic, cleanest-looking kid around. He wore old, hand-me-down wife beaters with brown stains and torn up overalls. He took a shower almost every week. He shares a house with his parents and all seventeen of his siblings. His mommy makes him a home-cooked meal every night, delicious spaghettios and vienna sausages. Chris is the proudest of his family. When he brought home his report card, his parents eyes lit up when they saw two Ds and three Fs. He was the most honest, caring, loving, kindest, smartest human being there was.

Chap Roberts

        Chap was the fastest white sprinter, so naturally he never won, and even more rarely placed. he drives a truck because he wants to be environmentally friendly; it would be so irresponsible to drive a vehicle that required roads. The asphalt in roads is detrimental to the long term success of any watershed in which the vile congealed tar and rock combination is present. He is a member of PETA because furry targets are much more fun to shoot at. During his senior year he was impervious to the senior slack because it was statistically impossible for his GPA to drop. He relied on his charm and charisma and a building with his grandfather’s name on it to graduate summa cum richo. Many people criticized his hatred of immigrants because he cut his own grass. Many people called him a sexist, but in truth he loved women and all the things he knew they were capable of just not the things they thought they were capable of.  

Sam Edwards 

        Sam was the best golfer on the team who, of course, never played. His teammates took him too seriously and could not stand to play with him. He was too bad. His idea of getting better was to sit on the couch and play Tiger Woods 2012. When he went to the weight room to lift, the bar weighed more than him. He was the strongest skinny guy on campus. Sam was not allowed to take test because he would do to well on them. Teachers trusted him.

Mr. Svab

Mr. Svab was a blindingly handsome man of minimal attractiveness. He was one of the funniest people on campus whose students never laughed at his jokes. His desire to lose weight was only tempered by his ability to eat 27 Krispy Kreme icing-filled, chocolate-covered glazed dougnuts in one sitting. He was always trying to get healthier by playing tennis with Dr. Thornton, whom he idolized. Dr. Thornton despised Mr. Svab’s idolatry, and Mr. Svab hated him for it. Mr. Svab’s resemblance to Tom Hanks was confounding to the students, 47% of whom thought he was Tom Hanks, and 13% percent of whom had never heard of Tom Hanks. He was a pessimistic, misanthropic, emotional shell of a man who strongly believed in the possibilities of humanity and the humble glory of teaching the nation’s youth. His ability to teach English was improved by his complete misunderstanding of basic grammar rules and where, to place a, comma. He was, in short, a confused, exhausted, corpulent, gloomy, distrustful, cynical, glass-half-empty teacher of unknown Communist origin who swore allegiance only to himself. He was the most visible of teachers on campus, since most students had no idea who he was.