Title: Designed to Aid the Plans of a Stu

I’d like to thank Caddy-shack, Tray-Gnome, Aster and Miah for betaing this interlude. Not my most funny interlude, but certainly not as dark as “Mission ?”

Orken was sitting behind his desk in his secret office, going over documentation that was enough to easily get him thrown in jail for life when he heard someone clear their throat. It is understandable then, that he screamed like a small girl.

The man who had cleared his throat looked to be in his thirties, with medium length brown hair and brown eyes. He was wearing a business suit, and at the moment, a grimace. “Damn it, you’re loud!”

A blond woman of average height, who looked to be around the age Orken appeared (which is to say, her early twenties) who was similarly dressed in business attire grinned. “That’s what…”

The man held up a hand. “Don’t finish that. You’ve said that ten times on this mission alone, and I’m…” He was interrupted by Orken.

“Who the hell are you people, and how did you get into my office?”

The man and woman exchanged a look, and it was the man who spoke. “Well, honestly, we walked in the front door. Before we go any further, I want to ask you a question. What does it look like I’m wearing?”

Orken frowned. “A suit, obviously. Why are you ask- are you wearing a backpack? Why are you wearing a backpack?”

“Because I need to be able to carry stuff, obviously,” said the man, mimicking how Orken had drawn out ‘obviously.’ “The important thing is you can see it, which means you’re looking through the SEP field. I figured you were if you were talking to us, but no reason having to risk explaining all this to you again.”

The woman grinned. “Hannibal hates having to explain things twice.”

“Twice, I don’t mind. It’s when I have to tell you six times to take your Anti-Lustin before going near that damn Michael Shanks-“

“How was I supposed to know that he was in the episode of Outer Limits that fic was based on?” Immediately, she grimaced. “Damn author loves ‘how was I supposed to know’ a bit too much, if you ask me. I’ll be glad to get out of here and be able to act indignant like normal again.”

Hannibal rolled his eyes. “Alright, Kay, I think we might be getting a bit off track here, and we don’t have unlimited time. I think we agreed to rescue-”

Orken had gone from being frightened of the two intruders, to being confused, to just plain annoyed. “Would the two of you care to explain what in the name of Kandrona is going on here?”

“I was about to,” the man, Hannibal, said. “Hold your horses. Orken 7861, I regret to inform you that you are an Original Character designed to aid the plans of a Stu, and generally make him look smarter.”

“A what?”

“A Stu. A… well, I’ll say badly written original character for now, but that’s not precise enough. I’ll explain later. What’s important now, is that we need to get you out of here. We’re about to kill the Stu…”

“Wait one second, Mr…”

“Agent. Of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Agent Hannibal is the formal way to refer to me, if you feel the urge.”

“Agent Hannibal, I have to ask, again, what in the name of Kandrona is going on here?”

“Normally, I’d tell you to sit down, but conveniently enough, you already are.” Hannibal cleared his throat, again. “You see… you’re in a piece of fanfiction.”

“What?”

The woman, Agent Kay, spoke up. “It’s stuff people write about canon. Like, fan written stuff about Star Trek, or, in your case, Animorphs.”

“I don’t understand. Do you mean that we’re in something some idiot human wrote about those… people?”

“Not quite. More like the books that this whole universe is based on.”

“Books?”

“You know, fiction, novels, pulped-tree-based information storage, that kind of thing. Animorphs is a series of books in some places but this particular story is something that some kid who doesn’t know how to write wrote about the books. We’re here to kill the Stu he wrote in and fix things. Along the way, we figured we’d rescue you, since you seem to be the only other developed character in this thing, and hell, we always need more agents.”

Orken was opening and closing his mouth, as if starting several times and failing to find the right thing to say.

“Speechless, I see,” said Kay. “Well, that’s kind of understandable. I had a similar reaction when I found out people thought my whole universe was some series of books written by that dreadful young author… whatever his name was. Chris something? But we don’t really have time for you to freak out or anything, because I am really tired of this perfect Yeerk you’re working for, and want him dead. We need to get a move on here, too. The author is planning on deleting this garbage heap, which would have been great to know before we entered it. But noooo, Upstairs didn’t think that particular...”

Orken jumped up, interupting her. “No! That’s the Stu you’re here to kill? Irmish? How could that be? Irmish is a harbinger of truth! He will lead us to victory, and allow us to take our rightful place…”

Kay  was laughing. “Planning to overthrow the California government somehow makes you a harbinger of truth? How exactly, does that work?”

“We start here, and we hold the state hostage until… the U.S. Government relents?” said Orken, furrowing his brow. “Well, we have Dracon beams. That will help.”

“Yeah, we’re charging him for that,” remarked Hannibal. “If you don’t mind telling us where they are, that would be great, because apparently you’re hiding them in this nifty secret room. We’d love a few to take back with us.”

Orken reached into his suit coat, in what he thought was a stealthy manner. “I can’t allow you to disrupt his plan. Even if this is just something written by some stupid kid, which I am not inclined to believe, I believe in Irmish’s cause. We shall…” He was stopped when the rug flew out from under his feet, causing him to trip and hit his head on a Generic Bookcase behind him. He was out cold.

Kay groaned and began messaging her temples. “Remind me not to use magic in a continuum without it in the future. It hurts.”

Her partner gave a half smile. “You aren’t supposed to, so I shouldn’t have to remind you. But nice thinking there.”

“Thanks. Next time, you get to do something painful to disable the guy pulling a gun on us,” said Kay, wincing as another spike of pain shot through her head

“How about I buy you dinner?” joked Hannibal.

Kay ignored him, and instead began searching the room. It did not take her long to discover the “cleverly hiddon” secret panel that held the Stu’s cache of weapons. Inside, there were at least fifty hand-held Dracon Beams.

Kay grinned, despite the headache. “Wow. Okay, I say we split these. I’ll take twenty five, and you can take twenty five. We can trade these around Headquarters and…”

“How about we give him some? I mean, they are more his than ours. Say we give him twenty or so. It’ll give him a nice start when he needs to start trading for stuff,” interrupted Hannibal.

“Awww… ow. Okay, not worth arguing when I have a headache. I’ll ship this fool to medical so they can make sure we didn’t give him a concussion, and then we can kill the Stu.”

“Sounds like a good plan. I must be rubbing off on you.” Hannibal’s half smile had become a full blown grin.

“Oh, shut up and be nice. I will forever be a force of spontaneity and chaos,” she said as she unceremoniously shoved Orken through a portal to headquarters.

***

It took him three hours to wake up, and when he did, he had a terrible headache. He felt like there was a lump on the back of his head. When he moved his hand to investigate, however, he found that he had been handcuffed to the bed.

“So, you’re finally awake, Mr. Seveneightsixone. Took you long enough.”

The voice was familiar. He had heard it before, not too long ago. Confused, he opened his eyes. “Where... where am I?” The man talking to him was not in his field of vision.

“Medical. And I’m over here, by the way. You can stop staring off into space.”

Orken glanced to the side of the bed, and spotted a familiar man, sitting in a hospital chair with a book open in his lap.

“Agent Hannibal! I remember now. I was about to... and then...” Realizing that he had been about to pull a Dracon Beam on the man who had apparently captured him, he shut his mouth.

“Right. Kay knocked you out. She still has a headache, by the way, and that’s gonna make her cranky all day. That’s why I haven't minded sitting here for three hours. At least this way I get to read in peace.” He gestured with his book, which Orken saw was a thick volume entitled Return of the King. 

The two sat quietly for a bit and Hannibal at least pretended to read, before Orken spoke up. “Did you kill him?” There was a note of anger in his voice, but he was far more controlled then he had been earlier.

“Irmish? Yup. Charged him according to protocol and executed him. Dracon Beams make cleanup easier.”

“So he’s dead then. The man I put all my faith into, who you claim was nothing more than the figment of some idiot child’s imagination-” Orken’s voice gradually increased in volume.

“He was. You were, too, but we rescued you. You were too dangerous to leave there. I mean, Yeerk plans to overthrow the California government after the war was over are not canon, and I’d rather remove you than risk any kind of contamination.”

Orken gave a dark chuckle. “You rescued me. Right. That’s why I’m handcuffed to this bed.”

“You freaked out when I told you we were planning on killing the Stu. In fact, I think you were preparing to shoot us. That gun wasn’t set on stun, either.”

Orken said nothing.

“Look, I understand, I really do. That’s why I’m not mad that you were likely contemplating killing my partner and me. People under Suefluence have done much worse. You weren’t in control of-”

“I knew exactly what I was doing Agent Hannibal. At the very least, I would be eliminating a couple more crazy humans with murderous intentions from this god awful planet. You expect me to actually believe that I’m from a work of fiction, based on a work of fiction?”

Hannibal shrugged. “Eventually. I mean, you certainly aren’t the first. Also, for the record, Headquarters isn’t on earth. I’m not actually sure exactly how it all works, but it’s kind of transdimensional and stuff. You know, it’s not really important, you’ll get used to all that soon enough. If you still don’t believe me, there’s a nice man with a white coat who handles these kinds of things.”

Orken glowered. “Are you saying I’m the crazy one?”

The agent rolled his eyes. “No, Mr. Seveneightsixone, there is literally a nice man who wears a white coat in FicPsych that I know who handles these kinds of things. I just don’t remember his name at the moment.”

“Alright. I’m done with this. HEEEELLLP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!” yelled Orken.

It did not take long for a man who bore a striking resemblance to a character from a human sci-fi show Orken vaguely remembered to pull back the curtain around Orken’s bed and give Hannibal an annoyed look.

Hannibal spoke first, apologetically. “Sorry doc. Won’t happen again. Mr. Seveneightsixone here is just having trouble believing me.”

The doctor frowned. “I have a lot of patients, but not much patience for unnecessary yelling. If he’s medically fine, you should get him to Personnel for assignment, or FicPsych if you can’t stop this yelling.”

“I think FicPsych might be the best option at this point.”

“I’m not crazy! All of you are crazy!” yelled Orken.

“I don’t think you’re crazy... what’s your name?” started the doctor.

“Orken,” supplied Hannibal.

“Alright, Orken. I don’t think you’re crazy, but I do think you’re in shock, and saying things about how all of us are crazy just makes you seem, well, crazier.”

Orken spat at him. “This is what I think of you and your perceptions of insanity, you vile human kidnappers. You murdered one of the greatest leaders our race has ever seen! He was kind, insightful, intelligent...”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up a sec. Since when has kindness been a valued trait in a Yeerk leader?” Hannibal interjected.

“Since... since... well, he had a plan that...”

“We already discussed that, the plan made no sense!”

Doctor Fitzgerald, whose name Orken would not learn for nearly two more weeks, was giving the saliva on his sleeve an annoyed look. It did not really disgust him; it hadn’t made it onto his skin, and he certainly dealt with far worse bodily fluids in far higher quantities on a daily basis, but it was still annoying.

“Alright, Orken, I’m declaring you physically fine, to be released to the care of Agent Hannibal Hamlin, yadda yadda, all that stuff. I need to get back to work. Hannibal, if you wouldn’t mind unlocking him and getting him out of here as soon as possible...”

Hannibal nodded. “Alright doc. I’m almost done with him, I think.”

Fitzgerald gave a slight smile. “I’m probably not. He has the look of one who will be back in here every mission with some kind of new injury.” With that, he left.

Orken remained quiet, and the look on his face was not one of anger, but one of confusion. He thought about what Hannibal had said harder about things than he had been previously. He tried to remember how he had joined Irmish’s organization, and couldn’t. He also tried to remember why he had thought the plan had sounded like a good idea, and couldn’t. The most troubling thing of all was how much he remembered valuing his kindness. He could no longer remember why that had that seemed so important.

Hannibal watched the wheels turn in Orken’s head. When the look of confusion was slowly replaced by a growing anger, the agent knew that Orken had had his epiphany. When he started speaking, that just confirmed something Hannibal already thought he knew.

“He was controlling me. That... that thing. It wasn’t a Yeerk. How did I not... it... How could I have thought...” Orken said, stumbling over his words.

“We call it ‘Suefluence.’ Stus, and more generally, Sues, have something called the Aura of Smooth that gives them the ability to get people to do things they wouldn’t normally do,” said the agent, hoping that it at least partially answered the question,

“But this means I’m just a character designed to make a more important character look good! How can... I’m pointless. How dare he do this. What gives him...”

“You’re not pointless. Well, not anymore. You were there just to do the Stus bidding, but now you can be so much more. A real, well developed, individual! I can already see it happening. You have enough of a personality that you should adapt relatively well!”

Orken laughed, bitterly. “Yes. My entire purpose has been ripped away from me. I was an important member of a revolutionary organization, I was wealthy, I had a well ordered life, and now I find out that I was under the control of some nasty thing that was definitely not a real Yeerk, and I was created just to do all the things I thought I wanted to do... But hey, at least I get to be a well developed individual. I have no purpose, and the order of my life has been wrecked. I don’t know if you care, Agent Hannibal, but I’m someone who appreciates order. Thanks to this... Stu, and you, the order of my life has been destroyed.”

“Would you rather we killed you?” Hannibal asked bluntly.

“What?” Orken was taken aback.

“That was an option. You were a “super accountant” who stole vast sums of money and yet was never caught, you were athletic without exercising, you were wealthy, and you were, and I use the term loosely, witty. Probably enough to classify you as a minor Sue. If it wasn’t for your flaws, like your rather high opinion of yourself, and the fact you were clearly under the control of the fic’s main Sue, we would have killed you.” Hannibal said matter of factly.

Orken was once again speechless. Neither knew how rare of an occurrence this would be over the course of his career.

“So, instead of killing you, we brought you here. Now you get the chance to do something good, for once in your life, and help us protect Canon. It’s hard work, and you will have to endure some pretty terrible stuff, but in the end, it’s worth it.”

“I can kill people like Irmish? What if I don’t want to?”

“No reason you have to. There’s plenty of other divisions and sub-divisions and such that help Canon in other ways. I’m in Floaters, so I’ve done stuff other than kill Sues. That’s always a good option if you’re undecided,” Hannibal said, stretching. He fished around in his pocket for a bit before pulling out a key. “Now how about I get you out of these handcuffs? If you’re feeling better, I’ll help you get to the Department of Personnel and get you settled in.”

Orken rubbed his wrists a bit, and shook his head. “No. I want to be alone for a bit, if you don’t mind. Perhaps you could just give me directions?”

Hannibal smirked. “Wouldn’t help. Headquarters is a funny place like that.”