Goonwaffe | Prencleeve’s Grothsmore 

Chapter One | Direction in a Directionless Galaxy

Hello, I am Prencleeve Grothsmore. I’m a Eve Online pilot, just like you. I first starting playing in 2010 with a character called Graphite Vestian, I was approached by a goonwaffe recruiter. He promised to let me in and experience the highs and lows of a communist spaceship corporation, his pitch drove me in. I paid him the ISK. He ran off. After that I did some research into Goonwaffe, I found out about its vibrant history in the game of internet spaceships.   I learnt about the 2010 recruitment drive and propaganda that surrounded it, also I was inspired by the direction of the “great war”.

The concept drawn out by the fore-founders of Goonwaffe was mesmerising. An in-game organization formed by SA community members which can take over the universe (or null sec). Some may laugh at how serious I am, however what I’m about to say I ment, every word I ment. From that point onwards, I knew becoming part of Goonwaffe was what I wanted to do. So from there I set off on my conquest for glory.

I would go to any means to become a member of the Goonwaffe Corporation, and once in I would contribute effectively and be a good corp member. I began conducting deeper research into how I could become part of Goonwaffe. I began by sourcing out “legitimate” recruiters. I found a guy in GS_Help who claimed he could sponsor me to get in. In hope of joining a mighty communist space faring organization, I blindly followed him. I paid him 500 million ISK. And off he went.  Some will laugh at my stupidity, but as some will know. When you really want something, you become ignorant of the suffering you cause along your path.  Back then a friend had given me some ISK so it was not a problem to keep mindlessly wasting ISK.

Chapter Two | Hit by the hammer

My character, Graphite Vestian, was involved in a heavy heated argument with a pirate who had just blown up my hulk. I was annoyed, and made a racist remark towards him. He reported it, and Graphite was banned. This was huge blow in all my plans, as Graphite was my only account at the time. So I went back to the drawing board, I knew I had to make a fresh start. So I bought a tone of plexes and made a new account, Prencleeve Grothsmore. I knew this where I make my stand, this is where I prove to the directors of Goonwaffe that I am a worthy member of entering the holy grail of eve corporations.

Lots of people thought that I was spy, I told them I wasn’t, but my word ment nothing to them.  I told them a spy so dedicated and who had invested  so much would not be doing a very good job. They ignored me and wrongly believe my intentions worth nothing but malicious and to cause harm. One day I will prove them wrong, one day.

Still recovering from the loss of ISK from Graphite’s account, I spent a long time working back ISK. I was right in doing so, because I would need it in the adventures to come. After developing around 3 Billion ISK through running incursions and ratting, I decided it was time to make some progress towards the greater goal. I made some friends in SA, and started to enquire about becoming part of the infamous internet community. I decided I was not going to invest real money just yet.

I spent a while trying to find an alternative corp to goonwaffe, my attempt was failed. My corp history grew larger by the day as I could not find a corp that lived up to greatness of what is Goonwaffe.  I regretted doing this, because my long corp history only decreased my already small chances of joining Goonwaffe. I was convinced there must be at least one legitimate recruiter out there, so I went on my search to invest more ISK into a security deposit.

This time, I found a recruiter who directed me to a supposedly “official” site. The site was http://www.goonfleet.net . I was convinced that nobody would design & host a site purely for the purpose of scamming, so I walked into the abyss yet again. He brought me through the usual bullshit and how I could benefit from joining (the latter isn’t bullshit).  The benefits of becoming a “space-cowboy” and part of becoming part of the best premier pvp alliance in the game made my mouth drool. I controlled myself and tried to focus on the greater goal. So I entered my API details on the site. The site then told me to give a “security-deposit” of 500 Million ISK to my recruiter. Blindlessly I followed the instructions.

Surprisingly this time my recruiter didn’t block me nor did he “run away with my ISK”. Instead the application on goonfleet.net slowly progressed. Until the application on the site drew to a halt and then I realised I had been scammed. Most people would of thought this would of steered me away from joining Goonwaffe, it only drew my cause further. I enquired to some Goon officials and directors and they all told me like on the wiki “You’ve been scammed and your shit out of luck”.

Chapter 3 | The Birth of a Goon

I will not lie; at this point I was angry, very angry. I had lost so much, but I was prepared to lose so much more to become a well-faring member of the space guild known as Goonwaffe. Reluctantly  I made the step I should of made years ago, I became an SA member. I spent $10 on a somethingawful.com account. I looked at the Goonwaffe recruitment thread, only to realise I had to wait 3 months of active posting to join. I was screamed at and called a J4G (Whatever that ment :P)

To my surprise, Something Awful was actually a very forum to be around. There were plenty of good offers and there were active sub communities for every game/hobby you could imagine. So I spent a while chatting with the locals in SA and joining Minecraft/battlefield/tf2  goon only servers. I had fun, I finally felt like a real goon. 3 Months was a long time, and I don’t think I was willing to wait.

I contacted a nice fella called mastercolin, he was an SA goon. He was a nice guy, but I made him an offer. An offer which potentially could help me achieve my goal of becoming a member of Goonwaffe.  I paid him $20 to pretend to my account during the AUTH process to join goonwaffe. Nobody knew any the wiser as I whizzed through goonfleet.com (an actual official site). So then I got access to the forums.

The boot-camp forums were a nice place to hang out. I thought maybe this was the final step towards achieving my life-time goal. I am not exaggerating in any way when I say this was my life-time goal. I truly want it. I cannot describe in words how much I want to become a goon. It seems silly I know, but goonwaffe directors, or whoever is reading this. Hear me out load, I swear on the lives of all my family, friends and pets, joining goonwaffe is what I want the most.

When you think about it, I had invested alot: $10 for the SA account, $20 for the guy to pretend and 1.5 Billion ISK in scams. 1.5 Billion ISK is worth a fair amount of real world currency to. Let’s not forget the time I’ve invested writing this letter. It would all be worth it if I could finally become a member of Goonwaffe. I will walk to the edge of the Earth and back if it means becoming a member of Goonwaffe, I really want you to understand this.

Chapter 4 | The final hurdle

So I waited. I applied in game and waiting. I asked a few questions in GS_Help. And this is where the beginning of my troubles fell upon me. I met a few helpful fellas who didn’t question my legitimacy, and they answered by concerns. Then a guy called innominate starting doing some digging into my history.

Foolishly I named the SA account which I purchased “Sir P. Grothsmore” which was in direct connection with my main character Prencleeve Grothsmore. I tried lying my way out of it but inevitably they saw the connection and obviously realised that Mastercolin was not my account. Then they uncovered the deal I had with him and how I had paid him to use his account to go through the AUTH process.

My entire world had come tumbling down. Innominate was a director, I was at this feat. He rejected my in game application. All was lost, I truly though this was the end. Then I remembered how far I had came, and how much I had invested. I wasn’t about to give up my dream fly with fellow goons in New Eden. While writing this I feel like reciting the famous Martin Luther King speech “I have a dream”.  And his dream came true (well for the most part it did). I want mine to come true. You know what they say success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.

I bet your thinking, this guy forgot to take his meds, either that or he is bullshitting us. I am not, it sounds ludicrous, but I am not. I gathered up my senses and invited Inno to an MSN chat. Thankfully he accepted (God knows what would of happened if he had declined), and I told him sob story. I confessed to everything, the link to my account how I paid somebody to impersonate me. He told me what I had done was wrong, for the most part I agreed with him. I cried out to him, strangely part of him seemed merciful. I offered to write this letter to express how much I want to join. How badly I want this. And let me tell you know, I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I will do anything to become a goonwaffe member, anything.

So there we have it. I don’t know who you are; your probably some goonwaffe director laughing at me. But listen to me, read through the lines. And now I make a very broad and long-shot request. Let me into goonwaffe, I have already submitted an ingame application. For the love of god, for the love of my family, please accept it.

NOTE: As a practising roman catholic, I will abandon my faith if I have lied in any of the words above. I have lied before, but anything you have read in this letter is the truth and nothing but the truth.