Title: Kimberley Janet O’Neill’s 1st Adventure

Author: Kim O’Neill

Fandom: Stargate SG-1

Sporked by: Thomas Greenwall and Orken 7861

Rating: K for Kill on Sight

Notes: Stargate belongs to MGM, not me.  The PPC does not belong to me either. Thanks go to Caddy-shack, Tranum, DigitalSocrates and Miah for beta duty. The link for the fic, which is the worst one I have done yet, is below.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6280240/1/Kimberley_Janet_ONeills_1st_Adventure

[Beeep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Beeeep. Beep. Bep!]

Thomas was alone in the Response Center when the console started beeping. Afraid of being shocked, he poked at the controls with his sheathed Ka-Bar. The alarm shut off, and the intelligence report showed up on screen. Without scrolling down, all he could see was the fic’s title. It was enough to make him groan and begin banging his head against the wall.

This was where Orken found him when he returned two minutes later. O’Neil had taken up a position in Thomas’ chair and was watching with great amusement. He had been planning on trying to tell Thomas about how hurt he had been by his pretending to understand him, but this was way funnier to watch. Witmol was ignoring him, and was instead trying to use Thomas’ distraction to break into his chip collection. This was proving difficult to do without arms.

“Agent Thomas! What in the name of Kandrona are you doing?” Orken’s exclamation startled Witmol, who jumped back from the chips. Thomas pointed at the console and continued hitting his head.

Orken frowned, but checked to see what was on the screen. He read the name and exclaimed “Oh, for the love of Kandrona. That is the worst name for a story I have ever seen! Who in there right mind…” Orken mentally chided himself. “A Sue would think that is a good name for her story. She named it after herself, of course.” Orken began scanning through the intelligence report for the mission, but was interrupted in his musings by the sound of Witmol, who was still trying to look inconspicuous, backing into one of O’Neil’s nests and causing a great ruckus. Orken gave him only a glance, and instead grabbed his partner and pulled him away from the wall.

Thomas cried out. “Dude! My hair! Let me keep banging my head! It makes the name go fuzzy.”

“Agent Thomas, we will kill this Sue, and you will feel better. Banging your head does nothing to kill her. Take Bleeprin instead if you need to block things out.” Orken removed a bottle from his pocket and gave two pills to Thomas. Thomas dry swallowed them. A few seconds later, his panicked expression had settled out.

“Thanks dude… I, uh, that title is bad.”

“Indeed it is, Agent Thomas. The rest of it, at least what I have read about, is bad as well. It is also written in the first person. Agent Thomas, did you get the dummy repaired?”

“I patched it, Orky. It’ll work.”

“Excellent. Gather your supplies and we shall get going. This Sue is dangerous, so I advise that you bring an automatic weapon.”

“I don’t care what you say, I’m bringing my-“ Thomas paused. “Wait a sec. Dude, did you just advise me to bring my AK-47?”

“I did not. I advised you to bring an automatic weapon.”

“Dude, that’s the same thing.”

Orken looked uncomfortable. “It is not. Now stop delaying and gather your things for the mission.”

Thomas gave Orken a smug grin. “If you say so, Orky.”

Orken was quiet for several seconds, before finally speaking. “Agent Thomas?”

“Yeah dude?”

“Don’t call me Orky.”

“Of course I won’t, dude. So, what are we using for disguises?”

Orken thought about this for several seconds. “We’ll do Russians again. That worked well last time.”

Five minutes of gathering later, the two agents stepped through the portal and into the fic. The dummy they had tossed in ahead of them was already inflated and expositing. It addressed the two agents, as there was nothing else around in the undefined space.

“My Name is Kimberley Janet O'Neill, that's what I'm told anyway. I always thought that my name was Kimberley Meree Jacob. Daughter to Allison Jacob and Russell Short. It all started just before my 16th birthday…”

The dummy!Sue gave more exposition, about dreams it had been having and how it was ATA positive. It proved to be enough of a wall of text that Thomas was able to use it to hit his head against. “This is so stupid… so… stupid. Why would an American baby be adopted in Australia? After all, there are plenty of parents who want kids in the US! Why do Sam and Jack even HAVE a baby? Why is there a team of four people who go ‘through a strange ring to other plants to explore’? Why are the abilities she is developing thrown in at the end like side notes? And WHAT IN THE NAME OF APOPHIS IS GRABBING MY LEG?”

Indeed, there appeared to be a mechanical hand with two stalk eyes holding onto the leg of Thomas’ Russian BDU pants.

Orken gave it a glance and shrugged. “I assume that’s the “small seizer.” If what was said in the fic holds true, it will let go after twenty seconds.

Indeed, ten seconds after that, the seizer let go.

Thomas began gibbering. “Eggplant… not the eggplant… HAIL TO CAESER!” He shook his head. “Ugh… so bad.

Orken had seen this before, and was worried. His last partner had started talking like that right before loosing all sanity. As calmly as he could, he said, “Agent Thomas, take more Bleeprin and write down the charges.” Orken offered him more from his bottle.

Thomas liked the sounds of the first part, and after taking two more pills, wrote down the charges from the exposition. He had just written down the charge about sending explorers to plants when there was a sudden scene shift. The two agents found themselves outside the door to the principal’s office in a generic school. Because the school existed only to serve the principal’s office, there was no-one in the hallway to find them.

Author's Note: this is my first fan fiction that I have ever uploaded on this site. I have more that I have started and will upload them when I have a chance. Updates will be slow as I currently have 4 assignments. So I ask that you'll be patient with me. All Characters you do not recognize are named and based on people I know.

Thanks,

Kim O'Neill

Thomas rubbed his ears. “I always hate it when they do that. Stupid author’s notes...”

Orken also looked annoyed. “Indeed, Agent Thomas. Don’t forget to charge her for adding people she knows to the story for no obvious reason.”

Inside the principal’s office was the principal, named Miss. Burrows, Jack O’Neill, Samantha Carter and the dummy.

"Mum, Dad what are you doing here", The dummy asked them before it gave them a hug each. They looked surprised that it knew who they were.

"Kimberley, are these really your parents", asked Ms Burrows.

"Yes, Ms Burrows they are" replied Kimberley.

A new person, presumably the same Kimberley who had previously been narrating in the first person, appeared in the office. Thomas began banging his head into the wall again. Orken was intriqued. “Hmm, a sudden point of view shift. I wonder why the dummy hasn’t deflated. What do you think Agent Thomas?” Thomas mumbled something about zucchini. Orken gave him two more Bleeprin.

Thomas blinked a few times before writing down the POV shift as a charge. “Umm… what’s your name… Orc-ent? why is there a dummy in there if this has shifted to the third person.”

“I do not know Agent Thomas. And my name is Orken. You should know this.”

“I do now, dude! I just forgot. Maybe it’s the lovely brain numbing pills you keep giving me. Can I have some more?”

“Not just yet.”

“But…”

They were interrupted by the answer to their question regarding the dummy.

"The Air Force contacted me, a Major Paul Davis of Home Land Security. Apparently after Dr Frasier died, all her files went under revision. It took them ten years to go through the files and by that time Mum and Dad Got married and triplets, Grace, Charlie Junior and Jake", the dummy answered.

“Wait. Did it just shift back to first person POV? Dude, if that’s the case, why is the third person Sue still in there?”

Orken had a sinking sensation in his stomach. “I think I know why.”

"They have asked to take you out of school today, has Allison Said anything about this", asked Miss Burrows .

"We knew they were coming but they didn't say when. I have a note in my diary to say I can go with them", answered Kimberley.

Thomas blinked. “Wait a sec, dude. Did it just change back to third person again? The dummy’s still there, so…” He began banging his head on the wall. “Orc-ent! More pills!”

Annoyed, his partner said, “It’s Agent Orken,” but gave him two more pills.

Just then they were hit by another author’s note.

Authors Note: A new chapter. Last week of school, so hopefully over the holidays I will post more.

And then…

Before.

Thomas looked confusedly at the word. “What… before what, dude? What just happened? Why is the sky ceiling colored?”

Orken looked at him with concern. He didn’t know how much of what was happening to his partner was Bleeprin induced and how much was from the badfic. He glanced at the words. It was mostly exposition, and more point of view shifts. He could afford to skip it. “Agent Thomas, we’re going to skip ahead in location a bit.” He opened a portal.

Thomas looked at it blearily. “What? Why… uh… Ore-tent, is it?”

“We don’t need to see this. Besides, the Sue and the dummy!Sue are likely to spot us if we stay out here.”

“I can’t argue with that, dude.”

“Also, Agent Thomas?”

“Yeah dude?”

“My name is Orken.”

“Right! Orken, not Ore-tent! I was being silly. Sorry, dude!”

Orken gave him a worried look and herded him through the portal.

The two agents emerged in the gate room of the SGC. Thomas pointed to the Stargate and began jumping up and down excitedly. “Yay! It’s the spinny thing that sends people places! I love that show! Dude, we need to go through there.”

“No, we do not, Agent Thomas.”

“Awww… Door-pen….”

“Orken!”

“Right, Orken... you’re no fun.”

Orken said nothing.

A few seconds later, three people and a dummy beamed into the SGC.

The dummy noted that its molecules “resembled themselves.” Then...

General Laundry was walking through one of the blast doors along with SG-1. They stopped in front of the group of people who had just beamed in. Laundry put out his hand out and introduced himself to the dummy.

The mini-Unas General Laundry was an odd looking fellow. He was wearing what looked like a tattered Air Force General’s cap, and was carrying a load of laundry. He was talking to it in Unas, and on his command a hand formed out of a shirt and two socks, just in time to shake hands with the dummy. The real General Landry stood back with the rest of SG-1.

The two Agents were out of the Sue’s immediate line of site, and began conversing with each other. Thomas was getting a wild look in his eyes. “Minis that can command laundry? What is going on, dude? Gourds! Eggplant! NOT THE EGGPLANT!”

The Sue and the dummy!Sue were too absorbed in meeting SG-1 to notice a randomly screaming Russian. It also helped that Orken slapped his hand over his partner’s mouth and whispered in his ear.

“Agent Thomas! Be quiet.” His partner’s shoulder’s slumped, and he looked like he was relaxing.

Orken removed his hand and Thomas began shouting again. “HAIL TO CONSTANTINE, FOR HE IS A RIGHTEOUS DUDE!” This finally got the Sue and the dummy’s attention. They stopped their meet and greet long enough to stare at the two agents.

“Why is he screaming?” asked Kimberley.

Orken thought quickly and pulled the Bleeprin out of his pocket. “He is crazy man! I must give him medication.”

“Really? Can we watch?” asked the dummy.

By now, the Sue’s attention had alerted the canons to their presence. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and looked at the two agents. The effect was incredibly unnerving. With no other choice, Orken forced Thomas to swallow another Bleeprin pill. Thomas slumped in his grip, and when he let him go his fellow agent was no longer yelling.

“See? Uh... Boris is fine now.”

“I’m glad to see that. I’m a nice person, you know.” said Kimberley.

“I can see, babushka. Now I must get friend to medical room!”

“Have fun!” shouted the dummy.

The two agents stood where they were for a few seconds and the Sue and Dummy turned away. Just then, another mini, Jane t Frasier popped up next to General Laundry. The two regarded each other with some amount of suspicion, but Jane t was female, and after snorting, the General turned away from her. Jane t, for her part, turned away from the General. Just then, another mini, Ry’ac popped into the fic, but this time right in front of Thomas. He looked none too pleased to have been pulled into another story.

Thomas grinned bleerily. “Why-ac! Is been a lawww tie!”

Orken nudged him. “Use your tounge for speaking, Agent Thomas.”

Thomas nodded. “Right, dude. Ry’ac! How’ve things been? Foreskin here wouldn’t let me keep you. Are your new agents treating you well?”

“It’s ORKEN!” Orken covered his mouth when he realized his mistake. Luckily, the Sue had moved on and was no longer in the gate room.

“Right, dude. Forking.”

“Ore. Ken. It is really not that hard to remember.”

Thomas furrowed his brow. “It is for me. I’m having trouble remembering a lot of... uh... what’s the word for a non specific object, in its plural form?”

“Things, Agent Thomas.” Orken took a Bleeprin pill himself. This was going to be a long mission.

“Thanks, dude.”

Ry’ac gave them an odd look and decided it would just be best to ignore them. He wandered over to Jane t Frasier and General Lanudry. The General was now having two shirt hands juggle balls of socks, much to the amusement of Jane t.

Orken decided to leave them where they were, since nothing else was going to happen here. Carter and O’Neill were taking the time to show the Sue and the dummy every single room in the SGC, which was going to take a while. It was also a very chargable offense, but Thomas was in no state to write. Orken decided he would just have to remember the rest of the charges.

“Come, Agent Thomas. We’re portalling ahead a bit.”

“Okie dokie, More-hen.”

“It’s...” He took a deep breath. “Orken. Why do I even bother reminding you? You’ll just forget again.”

Thomas shrugged with one shoulder. “Huh. I feel like I just did that wrong.”

“No... that was fine.” Orken gestured to the portal. “Shall we go?”

The two agents emerged in a generic!House, right next to the front door. Three slightly less than seven year old children, two boys and a girl, their eyes panicked and darting from side to side, stood in the entryway, frozen until the moment they were supposed to greet their parents. Thomas gave them a sad look. “Dude... these little dudes are the... small people?”

“Children.”

“Right, the children of those two other dudes... we’re going to have to take them from their... creators?”

“Parents. And yes, Agent Thomas, we will. They will not like it, but it is for the good of canon.”

“What does a cannon have to do with this?”

“It’s... never mind, Agent Thomas. Just do what I tell you, and be quiet.”

“Alright, Gherkin.”

“It’s... never mind. Get on the left side of the door. I’ll take the right. We’ll tell the Sues we’re here to guard them.”

Thomas looked at the door with confusion. “Uh... dude...”

Orken pointed to the left side of the door, and sent out a silent wish that the effects of this much Bleeprin weren’t permanent.. “That side.”

The two waited for several minutes, which gave Orken time to think. His last partner had gone crazy, and he had just been trying to keep the same from happening to Thomas. He had had no idea that Bleeprin could cause memory loss to this extent.

Just as Thomas looked like he was going to get antsy and start pacing, the door opened, and in walked the Sue, the dummy, and her two supposed parents.

"Daddy, your home", shouted the little girl.

Jack leaned down and gave them a hug, the children than noticed Kimberley standing there.

"Who's this Daddy", asked the boy who looked like Jack.

"Hi Grace, Charlie, Jake, I'm Kimberley, your older sister "she informed the triplets.

Then there was an authors note.

I bet you didn’t see that coming.

If Orken could have addressed the author, he would have pointed out that the triplets had been mentioned back in chapter two.

There was another author’s note, and then the meeting continued.

"Are you really our sister", the triplets chorused?

Even the story seemed to be questioning whether the Sue induced unison speaking qualified more as a chorus or more as monotone and very unnerving.

The introduction continued, and the Sue gave her back-story again. Not once did she look behind her and see the agents, which was fine with them.

After the rehashing, the three children, the dummy, and the Sue headed off to bed.

Orken opened a portal to the next morning. “Come, Agent Thomas. We have to observe the Sue for a little while longer before charging her.”

Thomas did not respond.

“Agent... you. With the big gun.”

“Me?” asked Thomas.

“Yes, you. Your name is Thomas, remember?”

Thomas gave himself a forehead slap. “Of course! I couldn’t remember for a bit. Thanks... you.”

Orken did not correct him. It was better than being called foreskin again.

The two agents emerged in front of the door to the  Sue’s room, where the three triplets were jumping on her bed.

The dummy was sharing it with her, which was apparent as it began thinking about itself.

The dummy decided that it was a mix of everyone. It’s Mum, Dad, Granddad, Uncle's Daniel, Cam and Teal'c and it’s Aunts Janet, Carolyn and Vala. It also had eight cousins on Atlantis, Including the head of the military contingent, Col. John Sheppard and his 2IC Lt. Col. Even Lorne as well as former CMO Dr. Carson Beckett.

It had all their knowledge and memories of the Stargate program. It thought it was probably the smartest person in the entire universe.

Orken rolled his eyes at the last part. Orken nudged Thomas. “What is it with these things and thinking they’re smart?”

“What things?”

“Sues.”

“Who’s Sue?”

“The bad guys!”

“Oh yeah. Those guys.”

O’Neill chose that moment to open the door to the Sue’s room and walk inside. He was blocking the Sue’s and dummy’s line of sight, and she could not see the two agents. This would have been how the situation remained, had the mini-Wraith Lt. Col. Even Lorne not chosen that moment to squeeze his way between O’Neill’s legs. Thomas jumped back and made a ruckus, interupting O’Neill shooing the children off of the Sue’s bed.

"Out of bed now, Airmen", ordered the General walking into the room.

"I would Sir but there appears to be flying monkeys jumping on my bed and I can't seem to get out", the dummy replied.

Dad smiled at my reference to flying monkeys. Dad's favorite movie of all time was the Wizard of Oz. Dad managed to get the munchkins off of my bed and the dummy got out.

The children, dummy, Sue and O’Neill all turned to face the two agents. Orken began speaking. “We are guards! Sent to protect...” He dropped the fake Russian accent. “Never mind that garbage.” He knocked O’Neill backwards onto the floor, and tackled the dummy onto the bed.

Thomas charged into the room. “RAAAAAAAH!!! WHAT ARE WE DOING AGAIN!!?”

“Agent Thomas, train your gun on the girl!”

Thomas cocked his gun at Grace, the triplet girl. “All right missy...”

“THE OTHER GIRL!”

“Right!” He turned his gun on the Sue, who was in the bed next to Orken and the dummy. Orken held a knife to the dummy’s neck with one hand, and with the other opened a portal to a deserted stretch of Florida beach. He shoved the dummy through. “Come, Agent Thomas. You too, Kimberley.”

The girl, forgetting that she had telekinesis due to it only having been mentioned off hand, obeyed.

Once through, Orken sat on the dummy, and Thomas kept his gun trained on the Sue. Orken began reading off charges before the Sue could even speak. “Kimberley Janet O’Neill, you are charged with having a terrible name for your story, having an illogical place of adoption, creating a “small seizer,” sending a team of four people to explore plants, having an illogical plethora of ancient powers, being the child of Samantha Carter and Jack O’Neill, giving same said people triplets, adding people you know to the story for no reason, cycling between the first and third person for narration, resulting in two of you, having the word “Before” randomly at the top of a chapter, having your molecules resemble themselves...”

He was interrupted by Thomas. “Should I shoot her yet? That’s what I’m supposed to do, right?”

Orken groaned. “Yes, it is. But not yet! I’ll tell you when.”

“Right. Thanks War-Ken!”

“It’s ORKEN! Now please, I need to get back to charging her. Now, where was I? Ah yes... you are charged with creating the mini-Unas General Laundry, giving said mini a basket of laundry that he can bend to his every will, creating the mini-Unas Jane t Frasier, for summoning the mini-Unas Ry’ac from PPC headquarters, bending canon to the extent canon characters are willing to give you a tour of the entire SGC, for making an obvious and previously stated revelation seem like a surprise...” “

Thomas interrupted again. “Everything seems like a surprise to me, dude. Maybe that shouldn’t be a charge.”

Orken rolled his eyes, and continued.

“...for thinking you are the smartest person in the universe, for making everyone related to each other, for making Jack O’Neill’s favorite movie “The Wizard of Oz,” for throwing every canon character severely out of character, for having words capitalized in the middle of sentences that do not need to be capitalized, for making me give my partner enough Bleeprin that I had to end this mission early for his sake, before I could collect more charges against you, for being incredibly obvious in the fact that you are a Mary Sue, and finally, for being a Mary Sue.” He popped the dummy with his knife. “Now shoot her, Agent Thomas.”

Thomas opened up on the Sue, and did not stop. By the time he ran out of bullets, Orken could barely hear, and neither could Thomas. “SORRY SORE-MEN! I FORGOT TO LET OFF THE TRIGGER!”

Orken, who could barely hear the yelling, said nothing, but he collected the dummy, and portalled the Sue’s remains off the beach and into the sun. It was a boring method of disposal, but Thomas was not of the mind to object.

Orken sent Thomas back to medical and did all the clean up himself. He dropped the kids off at the nursery, sent the minis to the OFU, and neuralyzed all of the canon characters. He decided to keep the small seizer, since he knew he could trade it for something. He was exhausted by the time he got back to Headquarters, and after throwing the mechanical hand in a cage, he took the time to check on his partner in Medical.

Orken’s hearing loss was gone by then, as the clean up had taken several hours. His partner was lying on a bed, with a green substance in an IV draining into his arm.

“Agent Thomas, it is good to see you better. I finished up the mission.”

Thomas gave him a confused look. “Who are you?”

“Agent Thomas, I’m...”

Thomas broke out into a grin. “Just kidding, dude! I’m all better now. The doc says I’ll be just fine. Thanks for putting up with me when I was like that... and thanks for giving me the Bleeprin in the first place. That fic was bad. I might have gone crazy, and that isn’t treatable.”

“It was nothing, Agent Thomas. I was just doing what any partner would. Besides, I was mostly doing it to get you to stay quiet. It was not out of any sentimental motivations.” Orken’s face began turning red.

Thomas scrutinized his face. “Right. That’s why you did it. It had nothing to do with a desire not to see me go crazy. Admit it. You’re a good guy, Orky.”

“Agent Thomas?”

“Yeah?”

Orken seemed to be thinking something over for several seconds. “Never mind.”