Help! I'm being constantly tormented. By Neighbors, family, my community, the general public, even at school. Even right now, as I type this, there is dread and miser and woe. In my room, there are two rooms within my house opposing my walls, and one room opposing my wall, which is one of my neighbors inducing this torment. The other tormentor, my half-brother, which I recently got into legal troubles with. They all act like animals. I understand that in my position I may seem like, to a lesser or inferior beast like mind, a being that you would want to cuddle or make feel strong emotions for, like a cat. See I be by myself, no friends, no relationship, no type of reputation. I live around a lot of black people, defined by culture. Me I grew up by myself, I may have a similar skin tonality, but I am not apart of their culture. From what I've gathered, it would seem like what they do, to enter one into a relationship is, trance them out, or make them hallucinate. Then, make themselves seem superior, what a primal being would do to a small animal. This is what they all try to do to me. I could add in white people, by culture, but their more systematic. Excuse me for white and black here I know their are plenty of other races, but in actually we're all just lighter shades of brown, on a premedical globe. What the people surrounding me will do is, first, they will try and infiltrate my mind, get into my mind, which is psychological harassment. And now, once they've, for-lack-of-a-better-term "feel", they penetrated enough, they'll progress, or make a transition, into a new phase of torment. All this as part of some primal-animal-like-expression. We're all Human for crying out loud, some might not know, or may have fallen to their primal-lesser-baser instinct, other may take advantage of their stronger depth into the moment, or "being still". Or, they may just be what they are and have no way of acting otherwise around me, because one thing's for sure, theirs always been an unpleasant disdain between me and all others around me. Me being always upbeat, I feel plenty of people are obsessed with me. Especially my older half-brother, him along with nearly any other person around me, always talk in a form or manner, that is directed towards me. Another thing, what causes this need for penetration among people around me, at the moment, is a desire to see failure, so to say, "we're feeling your moment out (as this is for all humans, not just black) and, I feel you attempting something, So.. I know he's going to fail" but what the collective essence of what is sought after is the success, while the one's feeling it out would like to turn it into a problem. Which leads to, Why their feeling me out in the first place, Obsession. They penetrate my mind, with little quirks and mishaps, while I'm in action, I try to wait with whatever I'm doing, but those around me, would like to force and push me with no rest, like a slave. This is the relationship. What they'll do is; My neighbors will knock on the wall, or knock on something after I shout at them to stop and that I'm making a complaint to the landlord (I recently got arrested for a fight with my brother because of the latter, He would continually harass me, stomping on the ground whenever he came home, or when he saw me in the hall way, he would tell me to "move out his way" instead of saying excuse me, as if we were in some time of relationship, or he had a reputation with me to uphold, in the end I found a hair in my toothbrush and I thought it was him, so I yelled at him to "stop fucking playing with me" where he got in my face yelling and spitting on me, where recently he would spit on me, like a monkey does to something it like, and the facial expression he made was to make it seem like I enjoyed it, as if i were his slave, I believe this is him thinking my i am a primate or of lesser intelligence, So I pushed him out of my face, were a fight ensued, I picked up a blunt object, and swung at him,(he's much taller than I am) and missed, the handle broke, where he pushed me into a room we use for storage, that has plenty of clothes in it, got on top of me and starting laying blow after blow unto me, I tussled out of his grasp, and went to the kitchen and grabbed a spatula, (I was looking for an item to hurt him enough that he would understand that, I did not enjoy any of his primal forth-comings, and if he didn't understand my words, and I speak very clearly, then he was going to have to feel that I did not want a relationship, or his harassment, I wasn't trying to seriously injure him, or send him to the hospital or kill him or anything like that, just trying to get the message across, which was back off, and since he seemed to be behaving like a primate and my words, or constant police calls weren't getting across to him, and he continued harassing me, I'd have to hurt him to let him understand, If he lives in my house (my father owns the house, he doesn't live here, but our mother does)or doesn't wouldn't make a difference, I just don't want him to interrupt my everyday life, I was the one who ended up calling the police, and they arrested me for assaulting him with a weapon and him as well, but later I was told he wasn't arrested, where we both got restraining order against each other, and the judge told me that we could be in the same house but couldn't see each other, as well a an officer telling me this was possible along with prior-knowledge of this prior to this, then after further harassment after this event, I called the police again and they arrested me again, this time because I showed them the paper he had against me, where my paper was nowhere to be found, after the arraignment, the judge said I was to be nowhere near him, and that arrangements were made for me to move into the basement, and if I did go near him again, I'd be sent to Riker's island), These Neighbors and Neighbors outside will speak in a heavy sensual resonate voice, full of emotion, loudly, so as the one the voice is being directed towards will feel heavy emotion and be quite submissive towards them (me), My half-brother will speak sensually, and in a sexual tone, as if speaking to his girlfriend, but direct his voice towards me, cars will hum their engines vigorously, and honk their horns sporadically and without reason, as to disrupt the peace. After initial progress of "penetrating my mind" with their little quirks, such as tap, shuffling of bags, knocks, creaking doors, stomping, or "pua"-techniques(which includes inserting commands), My neighbors (the one's outside, and the one's on the other side of my wall, I live in a two apartment build, with the apartments broken to make a house, with a store under it, with the building next door connected, mirroring my house, but still two apartments, which my uncle owns, we used to live their in the front apartment, then my father bought this building, where my room is now in the back of the building mirroring mine's apartment) will make then play bass heavy music, in-order to disorient me, leaving me unable to think clear as well as to stimulate arousal, and induce hysteria. These are just some of the monstrously the people around me have me deal with. My guess is because their being held under my their baser fears, and see a human rising over their own fear, and the human (me) wants nothing to do with any of them, and they have their own questions for this person, and the signals they read from me is rejection, right off the bat, they become some upset and irritated theirs no way to contact me without seeming inferior on the subject at hand, everyday life, so they degenerate, and ensue they're psychological harassment(what they really want is control, the kind that should not be mentioned, which gives rise to fear). This includes, making one insecure, Which was an initial attempt in contacting me. Another thing that has bothered me recently is, My former slavery to certain relationships in my life. These have been to my half-brothers (I have no full blooded-brothers), my entire entry into school, and my father, as well as people on the street, and public transportation. What they all have in common is that they are all obsessed with me in the same way. For one, one of my half-brothers, Patrice, has done me a terrible wrong in my life, first of all he pretended to, or rather deemed false-authority over me, saying I had to work for my father, when we first moved into my new home,(he doesn't live with me, the one that does, and mainly the only other one that has done me such a terrible wrong, name is Jeffery), which i think is a scheme between him and father, who wanted me to work for him. This is psychological abuse, where he semi-befriended me while instating authority over me (he's about 24, about 21 at the time, I was 15) which would be labeled a relationship, I call it slavery. Me I have no true friend, or confident, no one I could really turn to, not now or before, But new openings have arose somewhat, as if I could speak in a comfortable conversation, these people are in my new school, after changing schools twice, in my entry in high school, which I am currently finishing. They are my principal and my guidance counselor, along with some staff and teachers, who all seem to be obsessed, but to me, seem somewhat in the right place of mind, somewhat because of certain I've been put through by certain members of the faculty their, namely the principal. The two, him and my father, had me work at my father's store, after school, for two years, with little to no pay. They would alternate between buying me lunch, namely McDonald's.I did transfers, as it was a western union. I was allowed brief recesses on the computer, while we would alternate between doing transfers.I got paid some $20 a few several times spanning the entire two years, less then 10 times. Patrice was paid quite handsomely, Maybe because I'd have to work after school, from my time arriving around 4:00 to store close, and him from store open to when I arrived, except sometimes if my father told him to stay until store clothes with me there. When this epic, in my life was over, and the store was finally closed after these two years, I was left in a awkward state. I didn't go out much some I was really awkward, insecure, and paranoid with the friend I did have. I spent most of my time on the computer. What was really strange at this point, is that my father would stop by, sporadically, and stare at me, hard cold stares, for undisclosed amounts of time, but not more then 30 mins. Later, in the summer, was a first major conflict between me and my half brother. He visited me, telling me my father wanted me to cut my hair, which he had told me a few times before. I wanted to grow my hair, this was a relation which I couldn't see out of at the moment. After telling me to come with him to the barber shop a multitude of times, and after hold me down in my room on my bed in a wrestlers position, starring at me then hissing at me (I was so scared I thought he was going to kiss me) What happens if I remember correctly, We end up in the front of the house again, and he began in hitting me, with his fist, and with a belt, then he took scissors, and chocked up my hair, when I refused in going, he continued in pushing me down the stairs, ripping my shirt, and making me go outside barefoot. This was a major humiliation in my life. He told the barber to cut my hair and the barber promptly complied. This is another reason I believe everyone is scheming against me. after the haircut, he told me to follow him back to my house, and when i didn't he pushed me into a church building across from my street, and banged m head into the wall, telling me "You know me now". He then continued in forcing me back to my home, I didn't see, but I guess no police were around, and nobody around said anything about my current state of affairs, which is just another added notion to everyone's obsession with me. When we got to my home, my father and him had me in my room, they told me to sit on the bed, in my mind, now I realized, I felt, as if i were a slave, so I went "No!" I went hysterical here, and ran for my life, Patrice hit and punched and grabbed after me, while I ran when we got outside, he just walked after me, While I continued to run. I ran all the way until he was out of eye's view, and then I made my way to a friend house, bare foot, with a tattered shirt on. At the friends house, I received a shirt and some sneakers. Later another ordeal occurred, between this time and then, I returned to my home, where I didn't hear from Patrice and if I remember correctly my father for a while, and I had picked up the hobby or habit of, walk extremely slow, as in snails pace, I did this for about a month straight, where ever I went, School, Church, on the street. What this ended in was a tremendously joyous feeling of enlightenment. But what happened in the end was dire. One day My father, arrived at my house along with Patrice. He insisted that my father wanted me to go to a mental hospital to be kept in observation holding for two days, or I had to leave my house. After refusing several times, and then finally accepting leaving my house to go out and find my place in the world, Patrice invited me back into my house, be taking all of Patrice's gesture's on my father who he makes out to seem like a semi-competent old man's, behalf. After a bit of talk, Patrice suddenly grabs me and holds me down saying I can;t leave, and that all I could do was, call the police, after screaming and shouting for him to get off of me. I take the phne from him, be completely disoriented from his presence by now, and called the police. When two police officers arrived I exclaimed I didn't want to go to any mental hospital. The two said we would have to wait for an ambulance or more officers, don't quite remember. When they arrived, Patrice and/or my father told them what they wanted, and without hesitation, and be evidently declining grabbed me and put me in the ambulance, to be taken to a mental hospital, even though I was 18 at the time, fully competent, and never having been diagnosed with any ailments. Later on I researched this act, and found it was an involuntary bakers act, which gives me reason to believe this was premeditated, schemed, and had other people involved. when I got to the hospital They had me cuffed, I requested my father and Patrice, leave my presence immediately, my mother soon arrived, and we waited for "papers" after a while my mother asked me if I'd rather go to kings county hospital, I was in terror of my father and half-brother so i agreed. I spent two days there. Today I feel like a weak, hopeless, measly scrawny, bum, for not doing anything and for believing I had obey this guy from the start whenever I think about this event. The entire ordeal left me enlightened, though. I requested not seeing Patrice, and got a restraining order from my father since then. Another thing I can't quite shake is my other half brother's Jeffery's manipulative ways. I He's been living with me since childhood, which is off. My mother claims it's because he's her child. But them I have one more half-brother, from her, who doesn't live with me. She's kicked him out. She's never quite clarified why he lives here. What's really disturbing is, as a child, while we're in the shower together (our mother has us bath together) for God knows why, maybe to conserve hot-water or something, he says "lets put our koo-koo's together! (koo-koo's a little nickname we had for penis)" which I agreed being all dwitty and stupid. Today I feel like this is a form of statutory rape. Now with his harassment in-towe, and with my other half-brothers absence, along with the fact that he doesn't go to school, or work, has brought rise to the very strong question; Why he still lives here. This gives rise to the idea to behind her Faust mask of light and joy, my mother is really a dark a conceiving woman. Well these are some issues I have faced and some that are currently, but just mild ones, and one that brings Great Great DEEP DEEP fear are/is:
I kinda sorta been doing some self talk and acting silly in school and in the street, what scares me is namely in school, someone might report me, and the principle might become akin to this matter and take drastic action
and also, I have a court date coming up regarding the assault against my half-brother, It's my first ever arrest for assault, and I had three charges including: assault with a deadly weapon, possession of criminal arm, and I forgot the last one. at the arraignment, the judge made it seem fine, just an order of protection, stay away until it's over, but I don't know what this upcoming court date is about! I don't know if I'll be sentenced to do time in Riker's Island (Which I am just ridden with fear with, I don't believe I manage a day in there as a prisoner, let alone an entire sentence, God Please I beg I don't get stuck in that place, especially because of a fight that ensued because I was being harassed, why'd it had to end with me on the opposite side of the law, and with a weapon) or If I'll get probation, or If they'll just let the case go since I grabbed the weapon in self-defense, but to me it was more of a warning against him, saying not to mess with me, and to leave me alone. I'm worried into a panic at the idea of being sentenced to jail, now I'm 18, but I have a weak experience with people in general, let alone in-mates in Riker's Island, I'm tough enough to handle myself, but a full on brigade on inmates strolling along, I'm used to still images on a regular basis, except when I'm at school, where there are people moving about, besides that, I'm not regular around people. I've recently discovered I show signs of schizophrenia, which leads to my self-talk and acting silly, to, tighten-up my face, which could and has lead to some confrontation, at my holding in the bookings, and in school. So here's wishing the best, and God please no Riker's Island, anything but Riker's Island! Well at school, I get bullied rather discreetly, well I wouldn't say bullied, more like making felt awkward. It feels like a relationship, and to me a relationship means slavery on my end, because I don't want any relationship. Well these are the end of my troubles, hope reading this has left one enlightened.-------------------------------------------------------------------Furthering my worries & apprehensiveness towards my family, after 19 years of my life, I've discovered that I'm naturally ambidextrous.