Disclaimer: This thrilling tale of the exploits of the TCDA was penned by Pieguy in May 2012, and is here archived with nary an alteration or edit.


Miscellaneous Actions Department Constables KF and MFPC were relaxing in their Readiness Chamber following a successful foray into the “Sweeney Todd” penny-dreadful, in which they had banished a stubborn wraith from Mrs Lovett. Emm was busying himself creating a new variant of his Most Extraordinarily Spicy Curry Powder, while Kay polished her scythe with the Oriental Artificer’s latest blade polish – said to create such a fine sheen that the gore slid right off.

Suddenly, the whirring of the Transfictionally-Activated Computational Engine in the corner of the room was replaced with a harsh [BRRRRRRRRRRRINNNNNGGGG!] as the alarm bell drilled. Kay jumped, almost impaling herself on the scythe blade. “By Jove, that sound is as the Devil’s own scream! Do shut it off, Emm.”

Emm duly silenced the bell and examined the printout now scrolling up from the automatic typewriter. “My word!” he said, aghast. “It seems some dastardly Sue has managed to infiltrate Great Expectations! She’s attempting to influence poor Pip to wed herself instead of Estella!”

“The benighted harlot! Why, I’ve a mind to give her a damned good thrashing myself, ladylike or no!” Kay stood. “Very well, Emm, let us prepare to depart. Fetch the Portable Canonical Consistency Diviners; I shall set the coordinates on the Tele-Transportational Aether Sunderer and instruct the Chamaeleonizer as to our appropriate attire.”

As Emm made sure the PCCDs were properly wound, Kay opened the valves serving the Computational Engine’s aether sunderer and chamaeleonizer (properly Professor Hiram J. Beechworth’s Marvellous Canonically-Attuned Chamaeleonizer) and pulled the appropriate levers. Within just fifteen minutes, the controls were all correctly set, and a final turn of a crank opened an appropriately-sized rend in the Transfictional Aether leading to Satis House, where they were to pose as visiting cleaners.

“Are we ready, Emm? If so, then let us proceed; by jingo, we’ll expunge this dratted Sue from Dickens’ hallowed pages!”

“Hear, hear!” Emm picked up the briefcase containing their equipment, and together they boldly stepped forth into the thrilling world of fiction.