The team's second kill was passed on to Intelligence, and then to us, by a group known as the "PPC Board". I guess we should thank them. At that time, the story hadn't been updated in a year and a half, and now it's gone completely. From what there was, though, we think that Greenleaf Arrow is definitely more of a humour writer. But at least she had good spelling. ~Terri Ryan, DOGA Archivist
by Greenleaf Arrow
The rectangular portal flickered open… and then snapped shut again as Dafydd dropped the Remote Activator.
"Now that," commented Selene, "was loud."
"No kidding," growled Dafydd. "You'd think they could at least let us get out of this Suefic before giving us the next one."
Selene nodded. "No, that would actually be nice, and it's official Upstairs policy to avoid that. Okay, here's the plan. We both put our hands on our ears before you open the portal, and as soon as you get through you put the mute on. Then, once we've killed off the next 'Sue, we portal straight to the Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology without going back to our response centre first. How's that?"
"Sure, fine," Dafydd replied, and then added, "Ready?"
"As I'll ever be."
"Ah, that's better," said Dafydd as he took his hands from his ears. "Thanduril? You can come out of the corner now, the big nasty noise is gone."
Selene rolled her eyes at the baby talk, and then looked down at the Words. "Oh dear Eru!"
Dafydd glanced over. "It's bad?"
She hissed softly, and then said, through gritted teeth, "Silmador, the Land of Starlight, replaces Rhun. The Princess of Middle Earth. Upper Earth. Oh, and Iluvatar is dead."
Dafydd's face froze. "What did you say?"
Selene took a step back. "Calm down, Dafydd. It's not my fault. Wait until we get in, then you can take it out on the 'Sue."
In a very sudden switch of mood he grinned evilly. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get this over and done with."
With that the agents stepped through the portal, which closed behind them, leaving them in the dark nothingness of pre-fic space. All of a sudden, a voice boomed out. The Omniscient Author was giving an introduction.
The two agents listened - not that they had a choice - to the description of Silmador, the Land of Starlight. Halfway through, Dafydd looked over at his partner. "Did I hear that correctly? 5.4 times the size of Gondor and Mordor together? 5.4? What kind of number is that?"
"The kind that goes with Eastron hobbits. And large areas prettier than Rivendell. Now, that is just not possible. We've been to Rivendell, and even a Sued up version is beautiful enough that having such a large area prettier than it is impossible!"
"Well, that's one for the charge list," commented Dafydd, and then staggered as the story proper began, dumping the two agents in Rivendell.
Legolas entered the City of Rivendell - "It's a city now?" muttered Dafydd in disbelief - walking next to his horse. Selene blinked.
"Wouldn't it make more sense to ride it?" she asked. Dafydd glanced up at the words and quickly found the culprit sentence.
The handsome elf prince (A/N: keyword: Handsome) slowly took his eyes from the beautiful city of Rivendell to turn back to his horse.
The two winced as the Author's Note echoed through their brains, and then winced again as seven very anime-ish 'beings' appeared around Legolas. They were… odd. Fortunately their clothing actually made sense, although Selene wasn't sure about bracelets as armour, but when the leader spoke…
"Hello. My name is Windëmor."
"Hi Windymoor, I'm Stormyfield. Nice to meet you," commented Selene acidly before the... 'being' continued.
"I am the leader of the Seven Moramedorian warriors you see before you. We are from Moramedor, the Upper Land of Darkness, from Upper Earth. We have come down here to greet our old friend, Sauron. We have also come to find the young elven princess, Eledhwen Chúhana. Do you know where either of them are?"
Dafydd grabbed his notebook and started scribbling frantically, muttering, "… Moramedor… Upper Earth… friends of Sauron…"
"Oh yes, evil warrior beings routinely stop and ask for directons" muttered Selene as she watched the scene unfold, ignoring her partner. When Legolas claimed not to know where Sauron was, she winced. When the warriors decided this was a reason to kill him, she winced. When the 'Sue turned up and started killing the warriors, she was torn between cheering at their deaths and wincing at the badly written fight scene. When both the 'Sue and Windëmor started using fireball-type magic, she could stand it no longer and kicked Dafydd on the shin.
"Hmm?" he said, looking up. Then he saw what was happening, and his eyes widened. "Oh, she has got to die."
The last of the Moramedorian warriors died, and the 'Sue explained that she had been doing such magic since 'the time of Sauron and before'. Selene frowned. "But… if this is just before the Council of Elrond, isn't the 'time of Sauron' now?"
Dafydd sighed resignedly. "It's a 'Sue. Stop trying to apply logic."
She nodded, slapping herself on the forehead. "Oh, yes. I was forgetting."
Another Author's Note echoed through their heads then. A/N: I love using Old English speech. Sorry!
"So use it properly!" growled Dafydd. "Honestly, you'd think she'd put in some effort. Oh, how nice, she just contradicted herself."
Selene looked at him quizzically, and he explained. "Remember how Legolas arrived at the beginning of this chapter? Well, she now claims that he's been here 'many days'."
"Hmm. Interesting. And… what???”
Dafydd glanced over at the 'Sue, and had to agree with Selene.
"Have you used those sharp ears of yours not? I am the princess of Silmador, of the Fair city of Ainame. I am one of the ten elves created first by Ilúvatar. I am the only one that has never married, and I am the only one that is still here today, aside from Elrond. The elves of Silmador, where we were created, have a way of seeing the future. That is why Elrond can also see. He is also from Silmador. I know exactly what will happen, both to the ring and to thy people that depart with it."
Dafydd groaned and put his head in his hands. "There was so much wrong with that that I don't know where to start…" he moaned. Selene patted him on the back.
"Don't worry," she said, "we get to kill her soon."
He glanced up. "Promise?"
"Promise," she nodded.
The 'Sue made one last declaration of her superiority - that she was stronger and wiser than Elrond - and departed, leaving Legolas in wonder. Wonder that slowly turned to confusion as the 'Sue's influence left him and he wandered off into the city that had replaced Rivendell.
The agents portalled to the next day and watched the Council of Elrond with growing disgust. After the textspeak interlude, which just served to prove the laziness of the author, the farce - I mean council - began.
"We are gathered here today," said Elrond (A/N: We are gathered here today to celebrate this hobbit and this ring in holy matrimony.) "To decide on the ring's fate. Please keep it in your head that you are all welcome here at all times. This time, however, is in sorrow more than joy. Frodo, please bring out the ring."
The agents shuddered at the echoing Author's Note, and at the distortion of Canon. When Frodo brought out the Ring, Dafydd looked curiously at the sword in the stone in front of Elrond. "Are we being invaded by Arthurian Legends?" he asked, rhetorically. Selene just shrugged… and then glared down at the 'Sue as she both stole Aragorn's lines and insulted Boromir.
The glare continued until Elrond said, "Alas, there is another way." At that, Selene broke her glare to glance at Dafydd and say, "Isn't that a good thing?"
"It certainly sounds like it," he replied. "But perhaps… oh, dear Eru!" <
Yes, they had just come to the 'Iluvatar is dead' scene. Selene glanced up at the Words. Apparently, before creating the first elves (all ten of them) Eru had made a sword. When it was around the time that he was to die, he plunged this sword into a block of marble, for no apparent reason. In the time honoured King Arthur way, only the most powerful person in the world could pull it out. "Oh, I wonder who that could be," muttered Selene.
The next few lines were predicable enough. Eledhwen pulled the sword out, using her SuperSueStrength. Then came the next shock.
"So... So the sword has been pulled out. Thus, we can destroy the ring right now."
"I dare not, Elrond." said Eledhwen. "For if I destroy the ring now, the power would be released onto this earth. It would quickly kill all us here. It would then spread to the rest of Middle Earth. The ring must be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom."
"That is enough!" came a voice from the bushes. As the members of the Council stared, two elves stormed down to the centre of the group. They arrived, and the female - the one with black hair - pointed a shaking finger at Eledhwen.
"Princess Eledhwen Vanyarda Chúhana, you are charged with the following offences against Canon. The creation of Silmador, Upper Earth and Moramedor. Being Princess of Middle Earth and causing Legolas to act like a lovestruck fool. Messing with the characters of Elrond, Legolas and Aragorn. Using uncanoniacal magic and diminishing the power of the One Ring. Trivialising the beauty of Rivendell and turning it into a city. Screwing with the known backstory of Lord Elrond Halfelven - <I>half</I>elven, dear - and of the entire elven race. Using really bad Old English, far too many in-text Author's Notes, and wanton cruelty to the common comma. Line stealing, creating a geographical Mini, to whit, Orodurin, using Greenleaf as a last name, causing the death of Iluvatar - by Eru, you've got a nerve doing that - annoying PPC agents and, most of all, BEING A MARY SUE! For all these offences you are sentenced to DEATH. You have no rights. GOODBYE!”
There was a burst of lightning from the sky above. Flashing between the clouds and the ground in an instant, it struck the upraised sword in the 'Sue's hand and fried her in an instant. Dafydd stared at his partner.
"Did you do that?" he asked. She shrugged. He realised that asking further questions would get him nowhere, and instead stepped forward and grabbed the remains of the 'Sue. Opening a portal, he and Selene stepped through into Silmador, leaving the still dazed Canon characters to sort themselves out.
The country of Silmador was big, beautiful, and filled with trees. When Selene noticed a group of elves, dwarves and hobbits all dancing in a circle together, the agents discovered that it also burned very well when subjected to repeated lightning strikes.
As the inferno lit the sky, Dafydd kneeled down beside the remains of the 'Sue. In her hand she still held the remains of the sword, twisted into a very interesting shape by the lightning strike. Grasping it by the hilt, he pulled it from her blackened hand.
"This'll make a nice souvenir," he commented, shoving it into his pack. Then he glanced over at his partner and said, "Selene… you're not an ex-Sue are you?"
She looked over at him strangely. "Of course not. Whatever gave you that idea?"
He looked into her eyes - currently glowing - and out at the blackened fields beyond, where lightning still struck randomly. Even from here he could see the charred corpses of the former residents of Silmador. "Oh, nothing," he murmured.
She smiled, and the last of the glow faded from her eyes. "Good. Let's go home."
Dafydd nodded, keyed in the co-ordinates for the Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology, and opened the portal.