OPENING

Intro: 1:30 PM, on a Tuesday

Int: The bar

DENNIS:

Okay Charlie, this situation has gotten absolutely out of hand.

CHARLIE:

What, dude?

DENNIS:

I'm talking about your debilitating illiteracy!

CHARLIE:

Alright, I can write fine, okay, I get by.

DENNIS:

Um, no you don't. Look, I asked you to put a sign up saying, "Now Hiring; Seek Inside."

CHARLIE:

Yeah?

DENNIS:

Well, obviously you can't see what's wrong with what you wrote due to your condition, so Mac, get over here.

MAC:

What's up?

DENNIS:

Look at what Charlie wrote

Dennis holds up the sign that reads, "No horing, sex insid"

MAC:

Oh shit, that explains all of the god damn weirdos coming by asking about having sex in the bar!

DENNIS:

I know dude, I just caught it this morning.

CHARLIE:

Ohhhh, I'm sooo sorry i didn't get a fancy higher learning like the two of you!

DENNIS:

We all went to high school together! You should know basic phonetics even before you get into high school!

MAC:

Seriously Charlie, something needs to be done.

CHARLIE:

Alright, what are you suggesting.

MAC:

We're going to teach you to read.

CUT TO THEME, "MAC AND DENNIS TEACH CHARLIE TO READ"

SCENE TWO

Dee and Frank enter the bar, Dee has a noticeable black eye. Dennis, Mac, and Charlie are all sitting at the bar with books laid out on it.

DENNIS:

Holy shit Dee, what happened to you?

DEE:

I got punched in the goddamned eye that's what happened.

MAC:

Yeah well we can all see that, right? You look like a panda bear.

CHARLIE:

Pandas have two black eyes, dude

MAC:

I know, Charlie, I'm not stupid, you are. And that's why we are trying to teach you to read and write.

FRANK:

Ha! Charlie not being illiterate? That'll be the day.

Frank, who has been holding a cold beer over Dee's eye accidentally hurts her eye while saying this.

DEE:

Ow! Watch it you dickhole!

FRANK:

Sorry Deandra.

DENNIS:

So really Dee, how did this happen?

DEE:

Okay, so you know how I've been dog-sitting for my neighbor Mr. Celter? Well his dog died today. After I called him and told him the news, I had to get the dog out of the apartment, right? And this dog is huge, almost as huge as Mac used to be.

MAC:

Guys can we stop referencing that time in my life please? I put on mass, and now I'm not fat. I beat fat.

DEE:

Whatever, so I had no goddamn clue how to get this dog out of his apartment, so I ended up using one of my suitcases.

CHARLIE:

Oh come on, Dee? A suitcase? Trash bags are far superior for transportation of dogs, living or dead.

DEE:

Well charlie, if you were there, you could have told me that. But there I was, struggling with this thousand pound suitcase full of dead dog, when this guys comes up to me and offers to help. He helps me down the stairs and asks what was in the suitcase, and I just said electronics, because I didn't want to tell him the whole story.

DENNIS:

Yeah speaking of that, you should probably wrap it up, I think we're losing Mac.

MAC:

Yeah, I'm not paying much attention.

DEE:

Fine, so bottom line, this guy sucker punches me in the face and runs off with this suitcase.

FRANK:

You know what this means right? We need to track this guy down and get that dog back before Celter gets back to town.

DEE:

What? Why would we ever do that?

FRANK:

Hey, dog funerals are very important, we don't want a restless dog spirit haunting this bar because you were too weak to carry his body down two flights of stairs.

CHARLIE:

Oh shit! Do dogs really do that? I don't fuck around with ghosts, dude.

FRANK:

You're damn right they do. I've been haunted plenty of dogs in my day.

DENNIS:

Well you two idiots have to count us out of your dead dog caper, we're already way in over our heads trying to teach Charlie to read and write.

CHARLIE:

Hey, I'm making some progress.