I’m Writing A Novel. How Hard Can It Be?

A novel has to be 50,000 words long. No one ever said they had to be GOOD words.

I looked at the alien with disbelief painted across my pale, perfect face, like so much blood on a clown. "What do you mean? There's no way that I..."

"Yes." Htrmly nodded sagely. "You did. You ate the last donut. And for that you shall pay a price in...BLOOD!" Slowly, he withdrew from his pocket a Acturian Collection Device. On Earth, in your timeline, you usually refer to them as "Dixie cups". The ACD was crumpled slightly from being pressed into a warm, alien pocket for Neptune knows how long. "Here. Fill 'er up."

With great trepidation, I gingerly grasped the ACD between my forefinger and second thumb. I had argued with the salesman about the upgrade at the time, but now I was glad I had sprung for a few thrills. A thought occurred to me, as I searched the pockets of my space pants for the broken glass I customarily kept there. "Wait. Before I do this, I need to know just one thing."

Htrmly looked at me with alien calm. "Yes?"

"I need to know... If I can explain myself?"

Htrmly blinked his seventeen eyes at me in surprise. This wasn't a question the Acturian Death Enforcers got very often I suppose. And why should they? Acturain Death Enforcers have been bred since the founding of the Sino-Martian-Google League that now ruled the known universe to be heartless and cruel. They gave no mercy in their relentless pursuit of justice. However, I had discerned from Htrmly's pale, pink eyes and mottled thremblans that he was only HALF Acturian and might possibly posess that scrap of decency I so desperately craved. "Why not?" he replied with a casual shrug. "After all, we HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!"

He laughed manically at that final statement. I licked my lips and laughed along nervously. I had already apologized for breaking the Universal Clock, that ran the universe. How many times can one say they are sorry for stopping time itself? It seemed cruel to throw that in my face at this time.

Sighing, I began my tale. "It all began when..."

It all began, I suppose, when I was a child. I was orphaned at an early age during the Great Spring Riots on Earth itself. I was adopted by a tribe of hippies. Hippies, as we all know, are unable to procreate themselves, due to their rampant homosexuality. However, they are not without a scrap of human kindness and they took me in. They named me, in the simple, yet beautiful way of their people "She Who Runs Naked Across Many Lanes of Traffic, Despite Repeated Requests to Put Pants On and Maybe a Shirt." I seldom use that name anymore, prefering to use my birthname, "Mary Sue".

They treated me well, almost in spite of themselves. I was fed on organic tree barks and vegetarian meatsicles. In the summers I would assist my family in their annual pilgramage to the nuclear power plant where we would link arms and sing the ancient songs of protest, before being playfully beaten by the security forces.

As an adult, I would frequently stop in front of mirrors, so I could better admire the ravishing young woman that I had become. I am short and curvy. I have brown eyes. I have long, dark hair that cascades playfully around breasts that could stop a truck. I moved away from my hippy parents and set out to find a place where people bathed, ate meat and had jobs.

Before I left, the Elder of our band, a young man called "He Who Is Not Actually Old, But We'll Let Him Be In Charge Anyways" called for the rite of blessing to be performed for me. The rite of blessing is an ancient, sexual ritual the details of which may not be known to outsiders. However, I will tell you that mushroom shaped bruises across your nipples don't heal very quickly!

After I left, I quickly found a job stopping trucks with my breasts. It allowed me to purchase a tiny apartment in a good neighbor and dream of bigger and better things to come.

At this point in my narrative Htmrly interrupted me. "Get on with it." He hissed, gesturing with a single envenomed claw.

I swallowed. "Of course. I was merely setting the stage. As I was saying..."

Chapter two

As I was saying, my job as a truck breast stopper allowed me to make a modest living. But my heart was unquiet. I dreamed of bigger and better things.

One day, as I was working, I was approached by a man who told me he was a doctor. "I am a doctor." he said. "I have grave news for you!" Quickly, he told me I was dying. "You have a brain cloud." he told me. "Its a cloud in in your brain. It will kill you very soon."

I was surprised and saddened by this news. I was not expecting to be told I had a brain cloud today. I did not remember visiting a doctor recently, but I thought that might be due to the brain cloud. "You don't remember me," the doctor agreed, "Because of the brain cloud."

"Doctor, what should I do?" I asked.

"You don't have any choice. You should fly to this remote island that I own, because I am also a wealthy, eccentric billionaire. There, you can either sacrifice yourself to the Volcano God, or I can hunt you for sport."

"I see..."

"Quickly! Here are your plane tickets and suitcase. My limo will take you to the airport." He shoved some scraps of paper into my outstretched hand and a plain brown leather suitcase that I did not recognize.

I made my way to the airport, lost in thought. In the space of just a few hours, I had gone from a happy, hardworking truck breast stopper that had been raised by hippies, to a dying woman on the way to a mysterious tropical island. How would THIS amazing adventure end?

I arrived at my destination, the mysterious tropical island that was owned by an eccentric billionare who was also a doctor. Getting off the plane, I was met by many tropical hula girls. They wait by the airport for rich American men to arrive. They then seduce them, marry them and lerave the island forever.

The girls were disappointed when I disembarked and they caught sight of my breasts. Not only were mine much more magnificent, but I was a girl. One slightly quicker girl quickly asked if I was a lesbian. However, I am not, so her attempts to seduce me, marry me, and leave the island forever came to naught. Naught is a fancy word that means the same thing as nothing.

On the island, I soon met my friend, the mysterious doctor who was also a mysterious trillionare. He took me to his mansion and we had dinner together. Dinner was excellent. I was very hungry because the airplane only served peanuts and I am allergic. We had tomato soup, garlic bread with cheese on it, a salad with carrots, and vanilla ice cream for dessert.

We talked over dinner. My mysterious doctor friend, who is also a very mysterious quadrillionare, explained to me my options. "You can jump into the volcano to appease our angry god." He explained. "Or you can allow me to hunt you like big game."

I considered my options carefully. This could be the biggest decision of my life. "I choose...THE HUNT!"

After dinner, I was taken to a room where I changed into a traditional Battle Thong and was given a swiss army knife. "You will have 24 hours." My my eccentric, yet mysterious host told me. "Afterwich, I will begin my hunt. I suggest you use this time to prepare yourself."

I was then blindfolded and driven out into the the jungle. I was left in the middle of the road. As the van drove off, I removed my blindfold and studied the jungle around me. I could hear monkies mocking me in the distance. I had only 24 hours to prepare myself to be hunted.

At this point Htmly interrupted. "Wait a minute. At first this sounded like you were ripping off 'Joe VS. the Volcano', but now it sounds like that Stephen Segall movie."

"You are right, Htmly." I nodded slowly, as if the idea had just occurred to me as well. "I have often thought that my adventures would make an excellent movie, especially if I were to be played by Jennifer Lopez. Or, if she is too expensive, Penelope Cruz. I have always wanted to be hispanic, you know. Now, if I may continue..."

Chapter Three

I found myself in the deepest jungle, armed with only a swiss army knife and my wits and clad only in my traditional Battle Thong. My childhood of being raised by hippies had not preppared me for such violence as I was forced to contemplate, but contemplate I did. I decided I needed to get myself as far away from the drop point as possible.

I began to jog slowly along the edge of the road, my gigantic breasts flopping cartoonishly in the breeze. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop.

Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop.

Flop. Flop. Flop.

Flop. Flop. Flop.

Flop.

Flop.

Flop.

Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop. Flop.

Flop.

Chapter Four

Monkeys. Why did it have to be monkeys? I sighed as I pushed the leaves away from my face as I trudged through the dense jungle undergrowth. I could hear monkeys chittering around me. I hate monkeys. Monkeys killed my mother and raped my father. Because of monkeys I had been raised by filthy, unwashed hippies. I hate monkeys.

My bare feet padded carefully around the monkey scat that liberally decorated the jungle floor. It had been nearly twenty four hours since I had accepted the strange challenge from my eccentric doctor, who was also an eccentric bizillionare. After diagnosing me with a rare illness, he had offered to hunt me for sport. I had accepted of course. What did I have to lose? My life? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

The doctor had given me twenty four hours in which to hide myself in the deepest jungle before he joined the hunt. At first I had used the time to jog along the narrow dirt road, my enormus breasts flopping in the stiff breeze. But after I had some distance between myself and my mysterious doctor/gagillionare friend, I had left the road to find a hiding place.

As I had been raised by vegitarians and lived in futuristic cities my entire adult life, I had no idea what was expected of prey. Should I hide? Should I build cunning traps? Should I devise some sort of crude communication devise and call the police? Truly, I was out of my depth.

However, fate still smiled down upon me, like a great, big smiling thing that is very happy. I soon found my way barred by one of those filthy monkeys.

"Halt!" the monkey held one hand out in a "stop" gesture. "For I am a talking monkey and I am here to help you."

"Great Googly Moogly!" I cried, jummping back. "A talking monkey!"

"There is no time for your surprise now." The talking monkey told me firmly. "Quickly, you must follow me." With that, the monkey disappeared into the jungle.

Chapter Five

I carefully considered my options. I could stay here and be hunted to my death by a trazillionare doctor who had appeared mysteriously and told me I was dying, or I could follow one of the hated monkeys deeper into the jungle. With my naked breasts jiggling softly, I decided to follow the monkey.

I followed the mysterious monkey deeper into the jungle. He would pause occasionally and wait for me to catch up, before swinging further into the dense jungle. Where was this mystery monkey leading me? Was it leading me into some sort of monkey trap? I did not trust monkeys, but my options were very limited.

Finally, we reached our destination. It was not a moment too soon, for in the distances I could hear the baying of hounds. The hunters had begun.

"Quickly! In here!" The talking monkey waved at me with his tiny monkey hands. He was gesturing at the opening to a cave. "Go inside! You must hurry!"

Without thinking, I dove into the cave. Once inside, I could hear the echos of water drips fading into the distance. Could this be the mysterious Cave of Echos, spoken of only in legends handed down for generations? "This is the mysterious Cave of Echos," my monkey guide whispered to me. "It is spoken of only in legends that have been handed down for generations." The rock walls whispered back This is the mysterious Cave of Echos. It is spoken of only in legends that have been handed down for generations.

"Why have you brought me here?" I demanded of the talking monkey in a whisper. The cave sighed back. Why have you brought me here...brought me here...brought me here?

"This is a secret passage." The talking monkey explained. "It will lead us to safety." The cave echoed back. ...lead us to safety...safety...safety

I did not trust this monkey, but I realized I did NOT want to be hunted, so I decided to follow him. "Lead the way monkey." Monkey...Monkey...Monkey.

Chapter Seven

My talking monkey led me deeper into the Mysterious Cave of Echos. In the distance, I could hear the steady dripping of water. Drip...drip... drip ...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip... drip...drip...drip...drip

We had settled into a tense silence with each other. Monkeys were my natural enemy and yet here I was, following one into a deep, dark caveren. Stupid monkey.

Eventually, it became obvious that the Mysterious Cave of Echoes was in actuality, a tunnel. Natural light became visible ahead of us. Echoing down the passage were more jungle sounds.

"Here we are." We are...we are...we are. said my monkey guide. "I have led you safely to the other side of the island. You will be able to take a boat here and return to the mainland." You will be able to take a boat here and return to the mainland....take a boat here and return to the mainland...return to the mainland...the mainland...the mainland.

I protested "No! I'm dying of a rare brain cloud. I choose to die here, hunted like big game, rather than die alone in a gutter." ...gutter....gutter...gutter...

"Is he STILL passing off that tired old story?" My talking monkey guide sighed. "Look, the eccentric doctor/gazillionare that brought you here tells everyone that. He even told me that once. He is a big meany poopyhead liar." ...big meany poopyhead liar...big meany poopyhead liar...big meany poopyhead liar... "Now get out there, find some clothes, and go home."...go home...go home...go home.

Shocked by my monkey guides harsh words, I slowly brought my fist up to shake it in his face. "You've shattered me, monkey man. Monkey man...monkey man..."We'll meet again and we'll settle this once and for all!" ...settle this once and for all...settle this once and for all...settle this once and for all!

After I left my talking monkey at the exit of the Mysterious Cave of Echoes, I stopped a passing boat with my breasts and hitched a ride back to the mainland. I was a changed woman. My near-brush with death had made me quieter, more contemplative. I hated monkeys even more though.

"Wait a minute." Htmly interrupted me again. "That has nothing to do with stealing donuts. "If you are trying to trick me, I'll exact double my price!" A second Dixie cup appeared from his pocket and joined the first one, still lying on the corridor floor.

I put a shocked expression on my face. "Of course it doesn't explain my motives for stealing and eating the last donut, a rare cultural treasure of the galaxy. However, I told you that story so I could tell you this one..."